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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

jbalsa2

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Everything posted by jbalsa2

  1. Hey guys. Just thought i'd have a little bit of fun with this one as it's not often that I look back on events that have taken place in my life and laugh - as is usually the case with me they're typically a little bit too "out there" for them to be funny, but in reality they are quite hilarious. Anyways, this happened about back in may of this year (2018) So I had been admitted into a psychiatric facility here in Alberta, after my parents deemed that my mental health and substance abuse issues were not matters that I could take into my own hands anymore. So I go to the psychiatric facility, spend my 21 day stint there, and, poor me, decided to let the psychiatrists there perform whatever procedures they deemed fit to treat my symptoms -completely unknowing of the damage that they would go on to cause my HPPD. When I was discharged from the hospital, I could barely speak a word of coherent english, as my mind was so frazzled, and basically told my parents that I did more damage in 21 days at a psychiatric facility then my 7 months plus of doing cocaine every weekend. Anyways after about two weeks of attempting to make a recovery from my recovery program at the psychiatric hospital, the symptoms just got way too bad, so I took matters into my own hands and decided to buy about $500 worth of xanax. I remember taking them, they were really good xans, a little bit too good. I took one and completely unbeknownst to me, decided to go on a mad rampage around the city in a complete blackout. The next events that took place are only events that have been told to me, or that I have read of in the police report of all the incidents that took place that night, as I have absolutely no recollection of anything that happened that night. I wound up driving to an A&W on the complete opposite side of the city that I live in, walked in, stumbled around a bit, and ordered a burger. I made my payment, and then according to the cashier working at the A&W, I began telling the cashier all about how I was pretty sure that I was god, with a completely blank stare the entire time. I then proceeded to sit on one of the tables inside the A&W (Not in the chairs, on the table) and began eating my food. I was apparently told to sit in a chair, and not on a table, at which point I apparently started yelling profanities at the cashier and then walked outside, proceeding to eat my burger and fries on a concrete bench outside the A&W. At this point, blacked-out-on-xanax me did something very smart... I took the keys out of my pocket and placed them on the bench beside me. This move was really smart on my part as it gave me plausible deniability for when the cops would show up. Anyways, apparently I finished my burger, and just sat on the bench outside for about an hour with a completely blank and emotionless stare on my face. At this point, the staff at the A&W were worried so they called 911, at which point the police showed up to me clearly obliterated out of my mind on an unknown amount of benzos. Paramedics were called (GET THIS) and literally could not find out what was wrong with me, and deemed me medically fit to carry on as I was, however the police, not wanting to just let me go, decided to call my parents so that they could pick me up. My parents get there, and see that im obviously in some kind of messed up state. They drive my car home while I ride in the passenger seat of my moms car. I get home, and apparently try to conceal some of my xanax pills in my room - at which point my mom starts yelling at me (Again, which I still have no recollection of) I start yelling profanities back, and my dad decides to call the police again. The police show up, and decide that they have enough on me to file an assault charge against me. GET THIS - upon finding out blacked out me was going to jail, I proceeded to stuff about 7 grams of marijuana in my pocket to take to jail with me - THIS IS IN THE POLICE STATEMENT!! So it goes on, I get to the police station where they book me, and destroy the 7 grams of marijuana that I tried to take to jail with me, however they didn't charge me with possession for the marijuana. About 2-3 hours pass, and i'm still experiencing full on retrograde amnesia - I'm off my tits and have no recollection of any of this ever happening - the police release me from the station with a court date set for the assault charges, and a set of conditions clearly stating that I was to remain at least a block away from my parents house. Well - what does blacked-out-on-xanax Jason do next you ask? He walks... straight back to his parents house still obliterated off his tree. I walked right inside, at which point my parents dialed 911 again to report that I was back. And so they arrested me again, only this time they held me overnight. I woke up the next morning and had absolutely no recollection of anything that had happened the prior night- they wanted to take me to jail, but I asked them if I could Bail myself out, turns out they take credit card. So anyways I bail myself out, dazed and confused, and find myself a lawyer who then gets the disclosure of the case. It's at this point that i'm reading the full on turn of events that happened, half horrified, and half chuckling as I read it. Long story short... my lawyer got me off with a conditional discharge - which means probation for 1 year and no criminal record - under the pretense that when emergency medical services had asessed me, they were supposed to hold me until I was no longer intoxicated and able to comprehend everything that was going on. I look back on this, and as horrible as it was, it was quite the hilarious night of cat and mouse. I later explained to my parents what had happened, and we all get along and chuckle about it now. 😂 -jbalsa2
  2. jbalsa2

    HPPD Survey

    Right on, done, thank you.
  3. jbalsa2

    Feeling much better.

    Holy moly thats allot of ativan. Be careful, blacking out on benzos on those kind of dosages is common, and once you blackout, there's no telling what you will do. I wound up in jail one night because I took a xanax that had more than the advertised amount in it and assaulted someone. To this day I have absolutely no recollection of anything that happened that night. Also I urge you to use caution taking benzos, I got hooked on xanax a number of months back, my supply ran out and I almost had several seizures, and proceeded to go into the worst withdrawal symptoms of my life which lasted for a few weeks. It won't take long for you to become desensitized to benzodiazepines if you use them on a regular basis, and once that happens, its already too late - your hooked. BE CAREFUL!
  4. jbalsa2

    HPPD for 48 years

    Hi Tigress, Here in Canada it's starting to become a somewhat known condition, in some places more than others. The addictions and mental health clinics are aware of it - and the psychiatrists at the clinics typically prescribe lamotrigine and clonidine in combination to treat it. At the university of Alberta hospital the head of the psychiatry department is actually seemingly well versed in the condition and had actually told me that my best bet with treating the condition would be to test out an atypical antipsychotic called pimavanserin. Unfortunately this antipsychotic is still brand new meaning that it costs roughly $28000 us dollars per year for treatment. 😆
  5. jbalsa2

    Amitriptyline/Elavil

    Neato, maybe post back in a couple of weeks to give an update on if your hppd symptoms continue to remain unaffected 😊 I took mirtazipine for a while, a tetracyclic antidepressant and it worked wonders for anxiety and depression, but after about a week of use it caused my visual symptoms to become worse.
  6. I know exactly what you mean by being able to "feel" your hppd. I have nerve tension (as I call it) that directly mimicks my visual symptoms, but as the sensation of touch in my nerves. My rationalization of this is that the brain is ultimately what controls your nerves, and as you probably vividly remember during your trip, your trip brought on numerous bodily sensations ultimately linking LSD's moa to your entire body. So having hppd, your body is actually somewhat linked to your hppd resulting in you being able to feel aspects of your hppd. As far as what we feel, see and perceive being the same, that's highly doubtful, for example, I have hppd, and when I take MDMA (which I've only done a handful of times since the onset) my hppd symptoms completely 'line up' as it were. That meaning that the entirety of my hppd symptoms stop being the crazy hellstorm of visual snow and chaos that they are, and become completely in tune with my mind and my body. When I take MDMA, for a few short hours, my hppd wholely and completely attenuates the MDMA high without in any way shape or form being a nuisance. Im so certain in this experience in fact, that when im on MDMA, I can smoke copious amounts of weed and the weed has absolutely zero effect on my hppd. This concoction is really quite fantastic for me, especially since it's much like revisiting the days that I used to be able to freely get high despite the fact that I have hppd, but be certain I do pay the consequences the next day(s) That being said - maybe were part of a giant mindscape, a simulation as it were - and LSD and hppd symply give our brain the ability to outline or highlight the neurological functionality or method of action of the mindscape that we live in? 😉 Haha. I wouldn't go that far. TL;DR, we all experience visual symptoms on an entirely seperate axis from one another - it all boils down to specific neurosciences and environmental/perceptual factors.
  7. jbalsa2

    hppd is a bitch sometimes

    Hi Jason, By the sounds of what your describing, if you don't have hugely noticeable visual snow or static, I don't actually think your HPPD is LSD induced. LSD induced HPPD seems to have a very characterized set of symptoms. Now not to say that you don't have HPPD, but your symptoms sound more along the line of mushroom or mdma induced HPPD. I can't totally say that this is good news, but from what i've read people with MDMA and mushroom induced HPPD have much higher recovery rates compared to those with LSD induced HPPD. My advice - don't take any more drugs of any kind, and keep yourself busy - i'd be willing to bet with the severity of your symptoms, you could make a full recovery in *give or take* 2 years.
  8. Hi Vladchik, I've read that some people completely lose symptoms even after stopping keppra, and I've read of an individual who says if he stops taking the keppra that the visuals come back. If it were me taking keppra, and my visuals completely went away, what I would do is continue to take keppra for another year or two years after my visuals went away, and then slowly reduce my keppra dose to see if my visuals have gone away completley.
  9. Hey guys, Have made this thread for the purpose of educating either newcomers, or people who don’t have the resources yet on the medications that are available and most commonly used to treat and augment the symptoms of HPPD. Feel free as well to post here and ask questions. Lamotrigine (Lamictal): https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lamotrigine Lamotrigine, sold under the brand name Lamictal, among others, is an anticonvulsant medication used to treat epilepsy and bipolar disorder. This medication can reduce the symptoms of HPPD, and in many instances have even cured HPPD completely. Dosing: Lamotrigine should be titrated up slowly, starting at 25mg per day, and increased roughly every week until a typical dose of 100-200mg per day is reached. Starting lamotrigine too quickly can result in a skin condition called Stevens-Johnson syndrome, which is a condition that affects the skin on your body. It’s important to follow this titration process as this skin reaction can be deadly. Common Side Effects: Common side effects of Lamotrigine include sleepiness, headache, vomiting, trouble with coordination, and rash. Speak to your doctor about which side effects to look out for, and make sure to report all side effects to your doctor in a timely basis. Resources: Here’s the link for the NCBI case study that was done on Lamotrigine and HPPD - this can come in particular handy if you’re looking for some support in getting your doctor to prescribe you lamotrigine. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3736944/ Levetiracetam (Keppra): https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Levetiracetam Levetiracetam, sold under the brand name Keppra, among others, is an anticonvulsant medication used to treat epilepsy. This medication can reduce some of the symptoms of HPPD, primarily symptoms of depersonalizations and derealization, and in many instances has even cured HPPD completely. Dosing: Levetiracetam can carry with it some initial onset symptoms, such as increased irritability, and in some cases an increase in psychosis like symptoms. It should be started at the smallest dose - 250mg twice daily, and increased at a bi-weekly or monthly rate until the desired effect is reached. Most commonly effective doses of levetiracetam in patients with HPPD range from 500mg twice daily to 750 mg twice daily. Common Side Effects: The most common adverse side effects of levetiracetam include central nervous system effects such as somnolence, decreased energy, headache, dizziness, mood swings, and coordination difficulties. These symptoms often wear off within the first week to two weeks of therapy, but it is important to report all side effects to your doctor. It should also be noted that vitamin B supplements have been shown to augment some of these side effects effectively as well. Resources: Here’s the link for the cover and results page of the case study that was done on Levetiracetam and HPPD - this can come in particular handy if you’re looking for some support in getting your doctor to prescribe you levetiracetam. https://www.scribd.com/document/138316970/keppra-evidencias-curativas Clonazepam (Klonopin): https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clonazepam Clonazepam, sold under the brand name Klonopin, among others, is a medication used to prevent and treat seizures, panic disorder, and other movement disorders. It is a tranquilizer of the benzodiazepine class. Clonazepam is by far the most effective treatment for HPPD sufferers, especially in the short term. Caution should be used when using this medication, as daily or recurrent use can lead to tolerance and dependency. Dosing: Clonazepam dosages should typically be started at about a half milligram (0.5mg) and adjusted as necessary. It’s typically not recommended for someone to take more than 2.0 mg of clonazepam a day. Dosing, if done daily, should not be continued for a period of longer than 3 weeks, as tolerance can build up in this time frame. Some doctors prescribe doses of clonazepam to be used in a “per as needed” basis, meaning that the user can take a dosage of clonazepam 1-3 times per week to provide them with some relief while averting tolerance and dependency. Common Side Effects: Common adverse side effects from clonazepam can include a feeling of sedation, motor impairment, confusion, lack of motivation, and memory impairment. These side effects are typically rare if the dosage regime is started properly - at around 0.5 mg per day, with the risk of these side effects occurring increasing as the dosage of clonazepam is increased. Thanks for reading guys, and as always, if you have any questions comments or concerns, please comment.
  10. Actually there is a little bit more to it then that, science wise, in those who suffer from HPPD. Although you are not wrong in the sense that many people will have perceptual disturbances if they look at an object for long enough, this is just a neurological blip in the way that the biological brain works. One mechanism of action as to why perceptual disturbances are far more pronounced in those who have HPPD for example, is a proposed destruction of inter neuron GABA functioning. GABA is a key neurotransmitter that 'inhibits' and in turn would be a tremendous aid in our ability to tune out information that's not relevant to us. With people who have HPPD, they literally cannot tune out that information due to this destruction of interneuronal GABA functioning. This is why benzodiazepines for example, which cause an increase in the functionality of the GABA neuroreceptor, help people with HPPD. It doesn't stop the visual disturbances, but it certainly makes it 100x easier to ignore the fact that they are there and allows us to naturally cope with them or tune them out, which goes to support the GABA destruction hypothesis. Now you also have to remember that this is only one mechanism of action, of which there are several in people who have HPPD - otherwise an increase in GABA functioning to account for interneuronal GABA destruction would pose a complete loss of all visual disturbances, at least for the period of time that the person is on a benzodiazepine, which it does not, unfortunately do. So, it goes on, there is far more science wise that is going on. What you are trying to say, perhaps, is that all people naturally have the biological framework for which HPPD can base itself around. This is obvious. We are all human, we are all biological creatures, and there are natural disturbances in perception based off of the fact that there are mechanisms of action which cause our biological selves to function in the way that we do. :)
  11. Lamotrigine gave me an improvement of symptoms right up until the point where it gave me severe muscle movement disorders. There was no ability to continue lamotrigine for me; it was stop or go to the hospital. If anything on keppra, I've grown to like the stimulanty way that it makes me feel. I've noticed each brand feels slightly different - I take the Aurobindo brand generic because it has a more stimulanty feel to it, although I haven't noticed any change in libido. But that'll change from person to person. The name brand version of keppra made me extremely tired and somnolent. If you do try keppra, do two weeks at 250mg twice a day, and then go up to 500mg twice a day after two weeks. If after a month you haven't noticed the improvement or augmentation of some of your symptoms; you'll have your answer.
  12. Yeah that's exactly what I experienced on keppra, and it subsides. After a month of treatment the symptoms stabilize and you get used to the feeling of constantly being on keppra, which winds up being the as!e symptoms but at a very low level; where you don't notice the symptoms much to the point that they actually affect you severely. Sadly that's the thing about medications - you will feel medicated when on them. Just the way it goes. I take .05mg of clonidine twice a day as well, this med can be helpful with the initial onset of keppra, and I take it anyways to help with physical symptoms of anxiety. If you want the benefit, youl have to ride the onset symptoms out unfortunately. That's the nature of hppd.
  13. Yeah palinopsia is definitely very improved with keppra. I guess it's one of those 'youd have to try it to know what I mean' type of things. With keppra; keppra causes some central nervous system arousal, and it's actually indicated that keppra can cause psychosis on its own in otherwise healthy individuals. You know how HPPD is, mess with any other part of your brain and bam your hppd winds up getting worse. So it's in that sense that keppra made my symptoms worse for a while. Everyone's different, I can't be you to know whether you should continue lamotrigine or stop, but im just going off my own sense of judgement. Sadly for me I couldn't take lamotrigine at all as it caused me severe motor function and movement disorder related impairments. My body practically tried to rip it's bones out of its sockets automatically on lamotrigine.
  14. Yeah, but not the visual snow for example - that's still very much there. Before my visuals used to drag me into worse depersonalization if I zoned out on them or noticed them. On keppra I could stare at my visual snow for hours and not suffer a downward spiral of depersonalization.
  15. In the first month of taking keppra, my visual symptoms, although not particularly worse, became harsher in intensity. By the I mean that my visual symptoms felt like they had more of a physical impact on my brain then they normally would. Additionally, I became quite substantially more psychotic - to the point where after day 6 or 7 of treatment I was almost sure I'd have to stop therapy. After about 2 months into treatment is when I noticed the effect (to a measurable extent) that keppra was having. It's improvements are primarily in depersonalization, derealization, and if I had to put it in words - the grip that my hppd has on my concious thought process. My hppd just feels more manageable on keppra, my depressive periods are much more manageable, and my condition is generally more stable. Don't get me wrong I still have hppd - but there's a part of my old self that's returned again.
  16. I had a substantial worsening of my symptoms in the first month of taking keppra; but I rode it out, and now find the improvement I've been seeking. The way I see it, is if the worsening of symptoms you describe is tolerable, it would in my opinion be worth waiting it out for a month or two longer to see if things improve. The way I see it is that person from person, were not all that different - just like LSD gets everyone high, in theory lamotrigine should also give you the improvement that it's given others. The case report done on the lady who did see improvement on lamotrigine was on it for 6 months. If the symptoms remain tolerable, and after 2-4 months has elapsed and you still don't see improvement, I'd say try a different medication at that point.
  17. Yeah that's my point, if your noticing an exacerbation at 125 mg but not 100mg, maybe stay on 100 mg for a couple of months. The only reason I say that is because there's only really two medications out there at this point that present to you an actual cure over time. So if you exhaust both without really knowing for sure then that leaves you with no options right? In the end it's up to you, just my two cents.
  18. @Davidmckeon22 you have only been on it for a month and a half - perhaps try staying on just 100mg for a few months. With my keppra dosing it took at least 2 months for me to feel the positive change, and above that my improvement with keppra seems to be quite gradual - not something you'd notice in a week of dosing. Alternatively if your sure you'd like to stop you can always try taking levetiracetam (keppra)
  19. jbalsa2

    Sick but afraid to take medicine

    Acetaminophen, advil, pseudoephedrine. Actually you should be fine as long as you stick to any of the over the counter cold and flu pills. Just don't go hard on a bottle of cough syrup and you'll be okay.
  20. jbalsa2

    Suicide

    I certainly hope you guys consider otherwise. ? I attempted twice, first ditch being a complete failure and wound me up in a psychiatric unit for over a month. My second attempt I nearly succeeded, waking up 12 hours later after what should have been a fatal dose of heroin. I have to say this, after waking up after that 12 hours... Just opening my eyes and realizing I still had life to live was probably one of the biggest revelations of my life. My life has turned around since then, and I am considering school again and numerous other things which I would have never thought was possible in my situation. I deal with some severe side effects of my hppd, with a concurrent disorder - im diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and schizzoaffective disorder. I used to fly airplanes and had almost achieved my private pilot's license as a kid, and I lost it all to my illnesses. That being said, some times a month or two can change your entire outlook on life. I can't stress this enough; if your feeling suicidal, please go to a hospital, even if you can check yourself into a psychiatric facility or psychosocial rehabilitation centre; the therapy and time spent away from regular life can work wonders for your mindset. All is not lost ?
  21. Hey guys, so my keppra trial had a very abrupt ending. I tried to introduce lamotrigine into the mix, which caused both meds to give me a muscle movement disorder. I had to stop taking keppra immediately, which was a painful withdrawal. Anyways, was started on naltrexone 50mg a day (it's fucking expensive - $270 for 30 days) But anyways, it only took 3 days of dosing 50 mg every morning for me to notice the immediate and immense effect it has had on my hppd. My DP/DR are gone entirely, and my visual symptoms have separated themselves from my DP/DR, meaning my visuals don't even bother me anymore. I love how it only took me 3 days to notice the effects. I guess I owe props to that one guy who's account name is "naltrexonewonderdrug4me" ?
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