HDDeer

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HDDeer last won the day on November 22

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  1. I feel like psychologists don't understand hppd because it varies, not one person's hppd is the exact same. My personal belief is that hppd is mental illness or brain damage done by rcs. The brain is obviously wired differently for people who are susceptible to hppd as opposed to the people that aren't. There's a reason for that. People are born with these hallucinations not knowing what the hell they are so they say oh i have hppd. My brother has severe autism, sees static, and weird hallucinations, whose to say I am not on the spectrum just because I haven't been diagnosed, at this point it might make sense.
  2. Was it a sativa strain? I heard Indica actually isn't too bad with hppd.
  3. I don't really know where else to vent about this, in all honesty, it's really bothering me that this could go on for so long, anyways let me begin. This is just a thought of mine I have, and I don't want anyone to judge me for it because I feel like it could make me kinda sound delusional. Let me begin, It's been about a year now since I first touched mdma, I remember when I first got my hands on it, I did it on Christmas eve and Christmas, lied to my family about where I was, i was doing it hours before work, there was a point when I did it something like 5 nights in a row. I picked up cocaine a few times which made me extremely suicidal, there was actually one time I had myself convinced i was going to spend all my money in my bank account on blow in hopes it would kill me(I don't know if it actually would have, and I still don't know if it would, I was just really reckless), it was a relatively rough period for me. I never had hppd during that period of time though. But mdma, I did stop doing it as I couldn't find pure stuff anymore. I ended up stumbling upon mushrooms and lsd, the first time I took acid, best experience I've ever had in my entire life. Mushroom trips while not good, always helped me with my other neurological disorder. Then I got hppd after a bad acid trip, I'm here now 7 months later, I think things have gotten better in terms of visuals, for the most part my anxiety is usually non-existent. But every time my hppd is beginning to show improvements, I find my drug addiction comes back harder and harder. I ask myself most times, is it even possible to truly have an addiction 9 months after the last time you even touched the drug? You wouldn't think so. Maybe it's just my mental state. I should correct myself, the last time I was doing hard drugs faithfully was 9 months ago, I did end up doing a Molly capsule back in June, that nobody even knows of, not my girlfriend not anyone in my family, only my nephew whose a few months younger than me. It definitely made my hppd worse, it has gotten better since, though my ghosting was virtually non existent before, and now while it's going away again, it's definitely a lot slower going away than it was before. Now, my hppd is finally getting better again, my mental capacity is so lacking, that I can't seem to get it through to myself that drugs put me here, mdma made it worse, but I find myself being drawn back into it. I have so much trouble fighting my urges. I know it's not a life to live, hppd or not hppd. My mom died back in 2010, and I'm relatively confident that I suffer from dp/dr because of it, my emotions are relatively numb, I feel like I don't care about my family like the normal person should. Drugs filled that void my mom left there when she died. It's been so long that I truly do not know wether or not if what i feel is normal, personally, something does feel off, and it did before hppd happened. Sometimes I kinda wonder, if my mom or even the universe for that matter, sees that I have some kind of purpose for good, which is why I was thrown into this mess with hppd to stop an addiction from getting worse, to fulfill something meaningful. Granted, it's very important to me to help someone, or change at least one person's life for good while I'm here, so maybe I'm just really lost in my own mind and this is all some weird ploy I came up with to comfort myself with this mess I'm in. I just really hope something in my life changes soon, because while my hppd may not be getting worse, something about my life is. I have a new job as a security guard, I work shift work, 7 days on and 7 days off, 12 hour shifts. And while it does pay decent, I just don't truly think it's for me. I want to do something meaningful. Sorry for the rant guys, haven't posted on here in a while and my urges and just my life all around have been coming in full swing, needed people I could relate to, to see this. Thank you.
  4. I remember sitting on the toilet one time on shrooms and I looked down at my body and it all just looked beyond bizarre to me, not that it was morphing or it looked funny or anything. Just a weird vibe I got, almost like I was just looking through my eyes as if I was only a pair of eyes. Weird stuff.
  5. I have nerve damage in parts of my body and taking mushrooms somehow helped those nerve endings while I was on them. I was able to feel the soft fibers of my hair through my fingers which I couldn't feel sober. I also always looked more attractive and muscular on shrooms(I believe the way I saw myself on shrooms is the way I actually look to people) when something treats you positive it's hard to imagine it treating you badly. But I'm sure it would if I took them.
  6. Man mushrooms always treated me so well, sometimes I wanna believe it would still treat me good with hppd. But mdma always treated me too good, bad time. Those days are over.
  7. I think what we describe hppd as is nothing but symptoms of true mental illnesses we brought out by doing drugs.
  8. I get in this state where I'm dreaming but actually awake. Right before I fall asleep every time. I like it tbh
  9. I'm not a doctor but from what I believe is that hppd is just undiagnosed mental illness that was triggered during drug use, it may also be a form of ptsd. Those are my two theories, I'm not saying you should listen to me or any means, but I feel like in most cases of the term "hppd" people don't tend to hear voices. Usually when I see something like that I tend to think of schizophrenia and schzioaffective disorder. If you haven't gone to a doctor you probably should because it could be more to it, but might also not be. Research chemicals are still also relatively unknown in today's world so as far as telling you if it's just the chemical that left a mark on your brain we won't know. Just try to strive forward. One day even if it doesn't go away you'll accept it and it'll still be less.
  10. I think you also have to be open minded to the fact that you were also on pharmaceuticals which in a lot of ways can do more harm than good. I'm not saying that's your only problem there could be more to it.
  11. Hey everyone. I've been off the page for a little while since I got a new job, requires me to be gone from home for 12 hours a day 7 days a week and after my 7 days I get a week off. The job itself is doing me wonders, It shows me that I can still live a functioning normal life even with a few vision problems and some anxiety. The time I usually get to notice my symptoms is when I'm driving on the highway late at night, so tonight when I was driving for the first time in a week I noticed my ghosting was a lot less severe. Ever since I started taking magnesium oxide I've also noticed my visual snow has nearly completely gone! I don't wanna say there's only 5-10% of it left but I will say it's about 50% less than what it was about a month ago. If you're someone who doesn't have a job or had dropped out of school due to hppd, my honest suggestion is to push through it and not let it dictate the things you do. If you let hppd control the way you live your life you're getting sucked into it and it becomes you. There's more to you than hppd, there's so many other things to be done. On one final note, I think the last time I was on this page was the 29th of August and I will say not browsing this page every day benefited me so much. I came back here for the first time in a week tonight and after reading some posts I felt my anxiety and nervousness levels rise. This page can be very helpful to you to get advice from people or if a new symptom arrises. But I was so much worse off when I was browsing these forums 2-3 times a day every day. Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate the page, as far as I'm concerned we are all family fighting a battle and I would do anything for every one of you that was in my power. But there needs to be a point when you step back from the forums and pick yourself up and move on with your life. I will still be around, just not every day, I encourage you all to do the same.
  12. Imo, ssri, snri and anti psychotic are just as bad as recreational drugs when it comes to hppd. There's very few known drugs that have helped people in regards to hppd but I'm sure you already know them. Stay off the pills tho for sure. If you can manage life without the dependency of benzos and other drugs(including recreational) then I believe you have a chance of completely recovering one day. Just try to accept it that this is your life and try to live with it. That may not seem like the greatest advice but it's realistic and doesn't mean you shouldn't be hopeful because it can very well go away. If you do feel lonely sometimes if you have a Facebook page join the hppd page, there's like 1700 people in it. Pretty nice people. But some say the less you think about hppd the better it is for you. I kinda agree. Take a magnesium supplement like magnesium oxide or citrate, stuff does wonders for your anxiety and vs
  13. Hey there, if it is bothering you so much my recommendations for you would be to start eating healthy and doing cardio for at least one hour a day. You need to try your best to not pay attention to it, once you've conquered the early stages of hppd it gets easier
  14. Lyme has been linked to a lot of cases of vs. If you test positive, you should be relieved.
  15. I found it to be the most useless supplement yet. Im done with that garbage.