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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

MadDoc

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Everything posted by MadDoc

  1. Thank you for posting. The fact that your symptoms are improving is great news! Keep posting to let people know what's working for you. It might help someone else in the future.
  2. @justhere Never give into the negative messages the mind sends to your conciseness. Nothing wants you "dead". Keep fighting! Show this disorder that you're not going to give up. There are times when things seem bleak and depression takes hold. I understand that. It can take a while to find what coping mechanisms work for you. You'll find them as long as you keep trying. Hang in there, NEVER give up!
  3. For me, it's just the opposite. In the morning I don't notice my symptoms as much. As the day wears on and stress accumulates, the visuals get more intrusive.
  4. @Jay1 I couldn't agree more. Drugs like LSD and MDMA seem to help some people. However, it needs to approached carefully, be monitored, and combined with more traditional therapies. Regulation and accountability of the care provider should be carefully monitored.
  5. 90 percent is huge! That's wonderful! If you've recovered that much in two years, I think you'll see continued improvement. Whatever you're doing to deal with this disorder, keep at it! In the future someone will come to this forum, read your post, and it'll give them hope.
  6. I'm going to bring up meditation again. I even roll my own eyes I bring it up so often. So, here I go again. I too went through a phase of hyper-awareness. Every little thing became significant and simply "being" became more and more difficult. Compound this with a brain that was constantly chattering away and my stress started to become a health issue. I had a great doctor who sent me to meditation training. I stuck with it, practicing every day. At first it did very little. Over time I suddenly "got" how it was helping and it has helped me immensely. Without the practice, at a minimum, I'd be far more depressive and wound up. It levels the brain by teaching you how to choose which thoughts to "unpackage". Over time this ability becomes more of a reflex action. It doesn't cost anything other than time. You don't need a guru, crystals, or whatever. You just need a comfortable place to sit, persistence, and patience. Thought it was worth a mention (again).
  7. What sets me off? Any non-prescription cold medication. Even a tiny amount of pseudoephedrine feels like a nasty form of speed. Anything with dxm makes me feel sick. I'm talking about the correct dosage. Acetaminophen knocks me out. I'd rather be sick than take any cold/flu medications. At one point in my life I was given beta blockers to control my blood pressure. The doctor said it was a "minimal" dose. After I started taking it I became very depressed and I felt like I was in a fog all the time. On the other hand, I love hot peppers. I literally feel euphoric after eating hots. Almost like a mild opiate. I don't see a downside to that so I eat lots of hots. I avoid processed foods because they generally make me feel awful. I don't know if it's the chemicals, colorings, sodium or what, it makes me feel like I have a hangover. Cannabis is out of the question. Even a particle of weed sends me into a panic attack. However, I take CBD because just a small amount helps my insomnia. Perhaps I'm just a hypochondriac but I don't think so. Something is going on.
  8. When my daughter was about 5 or 6 she said to me "Dad, I like to make pictures in the trees". She's now making a respectable living as a working artist (ok, I'm bragging a bit, I'm SO proud of her). In any case I too wonder if this predisposed me to the visual aspects of hppd, my most significant symptom. Again, thank you for your responses. Communicating with someone who has had visuals for so long, and thrived, really helps.
  9. Wonderful to hear that things are improving. I think one of the things this forum communicates is that things often do get better. Sometimes just minor progress, but for most of us that's encouraging. I know what you mean about sensitivity to anything we ingest. Most of my life I've felt very sensitive to certain foods/spices. Also, I have a "over the top" reaction to "over the counter" medications. Interesting.
  10. My paternal grandfather had some issues. As the stories go, he used to "see" ghosts and had occasional fits of rage. That's all I know about it. My father, mother, and siblings have have no significant mental health issues. Same with the extended family.
  11. Interesting questions I've thought about it a lot over the years. I stay in contact with some of the people I used to dose with. They dosed as much as me and we took the same variety of psychedelics. I'm the only one who ended up with hppd. They all report being a little more strange than most, but no overt symptoms. When I was really young, I could see cartoons playing out in the branches of the trees at night if I stared long enough. I would see shapes in the space between branches during the day. It's like I born with some sort of enhanced pattern recognition or visual imagination. This was long before I discovered drugs. The visuals I have now aren't really the same, but I wonder if I was predisposed or if my brain was wired differently. I sometimes wonder if I had only taken "clean" LSD, would I have been afflicted. When I was young the acid we got wasn't very pure. I suspect it was mixed with something like speed or STP (DOM) because it was speedy and would last for 18+ hours (DOM wasn't uncommon back then). Clean acid isn't like that. I wonder if that adulterated "acid" had something to do with it. I also think dosing so young (and so often) was a factor. Started just before my 14th birthday and continued until I turned 20. My childhood was stable. No abuse or anything like that. My folks are good people. A lot to ponder, but no firm answers.
  12. Back in the early 80s I spoke to a doctor about it. The doctor basically said I deserved what I got for taking illegal drugs. That really shocked me. I haven't brought it up with a doctor since. Quite a few years ago I told another doctor I had a "stress disorder" but never mentioned how it came about. She sent me to meditation courses and it helped immensely. I have a young primary care physician now, I'm thinking about bringing it up with her. I figure, why not? I'm almost 60, I've learned to live with it. I've been called a workaholic because I'm always working on something. It keeps the hallucinations at bay. Yeah, it's been a long haul, but life is good and I'm happy. Thank you for your reply.
  13. Challenging yourself by taking demanding courses is an excellent strategy. It's what I did once I stopped dosing. When I'm focused, I don't notice my symptoms as much. Keep pushing toward your goals!
  14. I felt the same way when I found this forum. I was finally not alone with this disorder. If it's only been three to four weeks, give yourself some time. You went through a very intense experience and it can take a while to settle back down. I especially remember DMT being like that. I remember it used to make me like I'd stepped up to some abyss, like stepping up to the edge of the Grand Canyon. That always made me feel uneasy and just strange for a while. I've taken the "no medication" approach to dealing with this disorder so I'm not much help there. I understand, medications have helped many people in this forum so I'm not knocking them. It's just not the path I chose. I'm glad you found this forum. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. Your experiences may help others in the future. Also, dig into the conversations. A lot of very bright people post here. Their advice and experiences have helped me a great deal. Take care and hang in there.
  15. In life, there is always change. We move, new jobs, school. People drift in, people drift out, and sometimes we lose someone. Without a disorder like hppd, life constantly shifting can be hard to deal with. Having this disorder can amplify the stress of change. All we can do is the best we can do. I found that facing change and dealing with it gets me through. I don't want to turn into someone who insulates themselves to avoid the stress of change. I can see how I could have easily taken that route. Also, wherever you end up, however life changes, stand up and be proud of who you are. Just because we have a disability doesn't mean we're lesser people.
  16. Welcome. Your post was well written and communicates a lot. No need to apologize for a long post. It sounds like a lot is going on in your life. It's very likely your body and mind is adjusting to not having any THC. The weed these days is POWERFUL and it's no surprise that you're feeling off. I'm curious, did you dose a lot? I'm asking because the more you dose, the higher the likelihood of having some level of hppd symptoms (note, I'm not a doctor, just an old guy who has had hppd for a long time). It's difficult to say if you have hppd. If you're concerned you're doing the single best thing you can do, staying sober. Keep clean for some number of months and see how you're doing. It's very possible you will level out. In the mean time, take care of yourself. Keep posting to let us know how you're doing. Your experiences could help others.
  17. Keep posting if you have the notion. Your experiences can help others.
  18. @Beefheartfan Surround yourself with those who care about you. I realize the brain can send constant negative messages to the surface. There are ways to control these thoughts and keep them from constantly replaying in your mind. For me, setting goals and working toward them helped a lot. It kept me focused and kept me from imploding. When I look back, I feel proud of what I've done and that feels better than any drug ever could. I'm nobody special, just another human stumbling around. If I can feel good about my life, anyone can with a little hard work. I'm not a religious sort, but I think it's a miracle that we're the matter that woke up to experience whatever "this" is. We're here for a very short time. You're not only matter, YOU matter.
  19. Yes! Back when I used to take psychedelics, I rarely felt any sort of anxiety. By the time I quit I realized that I was in rough shape. Anxiety was a BIG problem early on. Consuming cannabis made it much much worse. Even one hit of weed could put me into a full blown paranoid panic attack. Over time, my anxiety dissipated for the most part as long as I stay sober. I tried cannabis some time ago (ten years ago?) and it still makes my anxiety and visuals go crazy. I mean, to the point that I think I'm having a heart attack. There is someone in this forum who describes hppd as "being on a low dose of acid after the learning and euphoria are gone" (roughly what he said). I still feel slightly dosed after all the years I've been clean. So yes, it's common for those of us with this disorder.
  20. I had to relearn to focus. When I stopped dosing it felt like all I could manage was to let my mind drift. I forced myself to go through regimented mental exercises that slowly helped me get my brain working. Every day, day after day. It helped a lot.
  21. MadDoc

    Intro

    For me, it was to just try harder. Ages ago, when I would try to read a book, shapes would form around the text. The shapes would start to move around as well. In any case it made it very difficult to read. I forced myself to sit down and read every day. After a while the hallucinations went away as long as I was focused. As soon as I lose that focus, the hallucinations come back but at least I could read. Fast forward a number of decades and reading is easy. Fighting back and not giving up is what got me through.
  22. As for medications, I'd look into the "medications" area of this forum. You may want to post your question there. I think there are a lot of people who do make a full, or nearly full recovery. What happens though is people who do recover drift away from this forum so we don't hear about it (not my observation, another person broght that up and it makes sense). Because you've only dosed three times, and because your symptoms appear to be mild, I suspect any remnants left over from psychedelics will fade. It really does sound like anxiety is your biggest issue. You're seeking treatment for your anxiety which is an important step forward. In life, there are some things we can change, and others we can't. Never give up on yourself. Find your inner strength and use it to help you move your life in a positive direction. There are some people in this forum with severe cases of hppd who have done some amazing things.
  23. I've tried an array of natural therapies for anxiety over the years. For me, none of the herbs, plants, etc. on their own did much. However, eating a simple diet consisting of natural foods helped me feel better overall. I stick to a vegan diet and avoid fast and packaged food. I'm not preaching, it just works for me. I also stick to a daily meditation practice which has been a huge help treating my anxiety (I mention this all too often and it's probably getting repetitive). I use CBD when I have insomnia and it works well. I don't take any pharmaceuticals. That's me, we all have to find our own path to wellness. It's like a puzzle you have to solve. Dig through the forums. Some people have had success with herbal treatments. Others have had success with prescribed medications. Lots of smart people post here.
  24. Have you had your eyes checked? I have visuals most of the time, but I've never had an issue with double vision. Strangely enough, I've never had what's described as visual snow either. We're all different so there isn't one set of symptoms that fits everyone. Understand, I'm not a doctor. My opinions are based on what you've written. You've only dosed three times. I'm convinced that if I had stopped dosing early, I wouldn't have perminent visuals. It's been only 90 days since your last dose. It can take a while to bounce back. You mention you detect some movement when you look at a speaker. I see patterns, faces, animals, weird symbols, etc. If you do have early hppd symptoms, they sound mild. It really does sound like anxiety is an issue for you. You have someone helping you with that, that's excellent! Many people's symptoms improve over time, but be patient. One more thing. I've had hppd for decades but I've had a wonderful life. Even if you have a mild form of hppd, you can have a very bright future. Again, stay clean, stay focused, and stay strong. Being human is difficult for anyone especially as the world speeds up. All we can do, is the best we can do. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. There are some really bright people who post here who may have some good suggestions. I hope what I've written makes sense. It's late, and my old skull needs sleep.
  25. I don't think you have hppd. I honestly don't. Try not to dwell on the symptoms you do notice. In other words, don't feed them. Focus on those things that will improve your life and make you happy. Over time, I suspect what symptoms you have will improve. You've decided to stop using drugs. That's the single best thing you can do to avoid hppd. I'm not saying you should never have a drink or have a little nicotine. I am saying that avoiding psychedelics and cannabis is the safest thing to do. Give your symptoms time to subside. It can take months, so be patient. Also, don't attribute every anomaly to hppd. As humans our sensory interpretation isn't always perfect. For example, double vision may very have nothing to do with taking psychedelics. Thank you for posting. Hang in there, and take care of yourself.
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