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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

MadDoc

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Everything posted by MadDoc

  1. MadDoc

    Can’t handle this much longer

    Keep going and don't give up. Wise words. Just being human is tough in and of itself. People who don't have hppd struggle to navigate their lives. What helped me was to admit that I have a disability. But like the runner who lost a leg, or the artist who is losing their eye sight, all we can do is keep trying. We just do the best we can. Get up each day and do it again. I realize what I've said is obvious, but it gets me through each day. Hang in everyone and take care.
  2. MadDoc

    Anxious and need help

    Weird! My visuals are very different. It's like I have extreme visual pattern recognition. Goes to show, we're all different and these chemicals can leave us with very different symptoms. Do your visuals come and go? Are there times, certain activities perhaps, where you don't see the world as a set of frames (if I understand it correctly)?
  3. MadDoc

    How is your mood ?

    Couldn't be happier to be here. When i think about how improbable it is that I exist at all, I feel quite happy to be greet the day.
  4. If weed is doing that to you, perhaps take a break? I'm not trying to tell you what to do. A reset might not hurt. If you feel you have hppd after a few weeks after dosing, that might not be what you're dealing with. Dosing can make regular experiences seem intense. Thought patterns can change, world view, your place in the universe, etc. That's not hppd. Disclaimer: I'm no expert or a medical professional. Friendly advice, stay clean for a couple months, determine where you are, and move forward. I still go out to hear shows, and go to psychedelic events. However, I don't indulge. I'm weird enough already.
  5. MadDoc

    HPPD

    This site has been huge for me. For decades I thought I alone was cursed with this condition. I go through life with a collage of visuals and man, that ain't normal. The people I used to dose with done report any thing like what I got sacked with. I don't internet much but this site allows me to communicate with others facing this disability (ability?). I think the moderator does a nice job. Again, glad the site is here, and seems to be humming along nicely.
  6. MadDoc

    Anxious and need help

    Would you describe the visuals you have? I have visuals as well. If I understand the kind of visuals you have, perhaps I can relate. As for anxiety, I guess there are a lot of ways you can approach that. All I can say is what I've done. Staying clean and keeping focused is what got me through. Reading, studies, learning a new skill, etc. Helped me a lot. Why? Because when I'm focused I'm not anxious and I don't hallucinate. I'm also big on meditation. Anyone who reads my posts (there might be one or two) knows I often bring up meditation. It's just mental focus, but it helped this old fool. Take care, never give up.
  7. MadDoc

    Feeling of constant dizziness

    Dizziness can be due to an inner ear problem or some other physical issue that can be identified. Your dizziness may have nothing to do with mushrooms or MJ. As I'm sure you're aware, panic atracks aren't uncommon with the hybrid bud available today. I mean 20 percent plus THC? Yikes! The stuff we had back in the early 70s was 2-4 percent and even that could send a soul into a tailspin. Go to the doctor and get the dizziness checked out. To combat other symptoms, avoid any psychoactive recreation and you might level out after a while.
  8. It's hard to say. For some, full recovery. For me, not so lucky. Taking acid for a while can change you. The way you see the world, your place in the universe, and unfortunately some of us are stuck with less desirable results. Each of us is different so I don't know how long it will take for the visual abnormalities to moderate or dissapear. I think continuing to stay clean is the best first action you can take. Move forward with your life, stay focused, and don't give the visuals too much attention. Not much of an answer I realize.
  9. Don't beat yourself up for using drugs. We're all trying to make sense of why we're here and psychedelics is often used as a step in the path to trying to figure that out. My mistake was that I thought psychedelics was the answer instead of a learning tool and I fried my noggin'. I can only suggest to not feed the guilt. What's done is done. Take what you've learned and move forward with the knowledge you might have gained from those experiences. I hope that didn't come off as too flaky.
  10. I started taking psychedelics around the same age. After six years of heavy use I finally stopped. I've had visuals ever since. I'm now 59. So yes, it can linger for a long time. Some of my symptoms have vanished almost entirely (Closed Eye Visuals for example) but the visuals are still with me. I took the natural approach. Sobriety, meditation, and I try to stay as focused as possible. I do this because when I'm focused I don't hallucinate. Don't despair, just because I have (probably) permanent visuals, doesn't mean you will. I'm just a run of the mill human and life is wonderful. Even with the visuals. Take care of yourself.
  11. MadDoc

    Advice

    Perhaps you could visit the doctor, describe your symptoms, but don't go into the fact that you dosed. Some of the symptoms you describe might have nothing to do with psychedelics. Tests can rule out other potential issues. As for drinking and meeting people, some of the nicest and kindest people people I've ever met were sober by nature. Something to ponder.
  12. I never had heard of "visual snow" until I found this forum. Hppd, at least the way I understand it, is a spectrum disorder. A little different for each of us. Early on my symptoms were hallucinations, anxiety, and Close Eyed Visuals. Over the decades the anxiety let go and the CEVs finally vanished. I still have the hallucinations and I'll probably have those for the rest of life. I think visual snow is a symptom that some people get but not all A segmental of the spectrum so to speak. I hope that made sense. Just my perspective you understand. I'm not an hppd expert.
  13. Thank you for posting. First off, I'm not a doctor or an expert in hppd. I'm just an older person who has had it for a long time. A lot of people have panic attacks from smoking weed. The weed that's available today is SO powerful. It's no surprise that you experienced anxiety from it. I know people who have smoked for decades who won't touch what's available today. Fortunately, you've decided to give MJ a rest. The symptoms may simply be indicators that you're susceptible to hppd. I honestly can't tell for sure. Many of the visual anomolies you describe could be caused by eye fatigue or common eye abnormalities. Us humans don't always perceive "reality" just exactly perfect. Old people like to tell stories, let me describe what I deal with. If I stare at anything, floors, ceilings, trees, clouds, within a few seconds they start transforming into patterns, animal, Aztec glyphs, etc. If I keep staring they start to move and sometimes the colors start to shift. I've had this disorder for almost 40 years. HPPD for sure. People in here describe derealiazation and anxiety that is truly debilitating. Some describe hppd as being on a low dose of acid all the time. Is this the kind of thing you're experiencing? As I said, I can't tell if you have hppd, early hppd symptoms, or if you don't have it at all. My gut feeling is that you don't have hppd. Please understand I'm not trying to minimize what you're dealing with. Anxiety is no joke but, unfortunately, it is part of the human experience in a world that can't seem to rest. This is what I would suggest. Continue to stay clear of psychoactive drugs like MJ, acid, etc. Focus on the things that interest you and that give you joy. Why do I say this? When I'm focused I don't have hallucinations. Staying focused and reaching for goals in life is what saved this psychedelic wreck. Even if you have some early hppd symptoms, and you stay clean, I'll bet life will work out fine and those symptoms will improve. Myself, and others with severe symptoms have careers, raise families, and have found great joy in life. Hang in there and take care of yourself. I hope that helps.
  14. MadDoc

    HPPD at 14

    I started getting hppd symptoms at 14. My first memory of this was seeing a vine and a flower form on speaker fabric after smoking some weed. I think if I had stopped taking drugs at that point it probably would have cleared up. At 14, your brain is still elastic. If you stop using drugs, including weed now, your chances of contracting hppd are greatly reduced. I can't tell if you have hppd. You may just have "post dose" anxiety. I continued dosing from 14 to 20. I'm nearing 60 and I have visuals that will probably never go away. Don't beat yourself up, take action. Get clean and reach for what you would really like to do in life.
  15. MadDoc

    do i have hppd?

    You dosed on mushrooms just once before the brownie? Note, I'm no doctor, nor am I an expert when it comes to hppd. I suspect if you avoid drugs you will level out in a few months. You may have the early indicators that you're susceptible to hppd. Don't tempt fate! Stay clean, keep focused, and don't dwell on the symptoms you're experiencing. I can't stress enough though, stay clean. Take care
  16. MadDoc

    I'm crazy

    "What type of math did you study?" My undergraduate degree was in math. My concentration was what they called "Abstract Algebra" aka Algebra. Graduate school ended up being computer science. I would have loved to continue with math but I had a wife and two babies to support. Also, I'm just too strange for a life in acedemia provided I could have pulled that off at all.
  17. MadDoc

    Almost 9 months..

    I started dosing young, just prior to my 14th birthday. I went through some rough and stressful years after I stopped when I was 20. You said "May we all find happiness again". After heavy dosing for six years, I didn't think I could be happy again. The chemicals that kept me fueled through my teens were no longer working and I realized that I had done some damage to my mind. It took some years of hard work, but I found happiness again. There's nothing special about me. I'm just an average human, but now I'm happy. It took focused effort, setting goals and not giving up. I think the hardest part was realizing that because I'm human, I'm flawed, but now I'm OK with that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that happiness is attainable even when you're in a dark place. One step at a time, stumble, get back up and try again. Take care.
  18. MadDoc

    I'm crazy

    Thank you. I'm not sure if I'm particularly wise. I also hope I didn't go overboard giving a sobriety lecture. It's just what worked for me. Many of my hppd symptoms cleared up and I attribute that to sobriety, though it took a long time. I know people who live happy lives using drugs like alcohol and cannabis in moderation. I'm not one of those people. I had to stay sober to reconstruct my life, get an education (I also studied mathematics), provide for my family, and to not allow reality to dissolve into madness. I guess it's a matter of deciding what we want in life. Hppd can be debilitating disorder. You've accomplished so much, don't let hppd get a foothold!
  19. MadDoc

    My experience ...

    Natural ways? First off, stop using mind altering chemicals. I can't stress that enough. Second, stay focused. School, hobbies, family, work, anything to keep your mind engaged. I follow a diet that avoids processed foods. I also don't eat meat or dairy, but I understand that being vegan isn't for everyone. You're exercising and that's great way to keep the body and mind healthy. I've found meditation to be very helpful. Basically, it's just mental focus but it has helped me immensely. I hope that helps. Take care.
  20. MadDoc

    I'm crazy

    The psychedelic realm. I spent six years there. I found that my early trips had something to teach, then dosing just turned into something to do. After a while it can actually get boring. Life is short and the older you get, the faster it moves. I'd focus on perusing the things that make you happy. Focus on your education, your wife, your kids (if you have any). I used to think psychedelics were the answer and the path to happiness. I was wrong. Instead, sobriety brought me happiness. I haven't dosed in almost 40 years and don't miss it one bit. However, I live with visuals that will probably never go away. Take care of your mind, we only get one travelling through whatever "this" is.
  21. MadDoc

    Hello Everyone :)

    Psychedelics can make us question the very things that keep us grounded. That can be stressful! Stick to the things that keep you focused. Playing music and going to school are excellent activities to keep you engaged. I may have misunderstood what you said, so the following may not be relevant. You mention that you consider yourself to be a decent guy. Taking psychedelics doesn't mean you're suddenly a bad person. I'm sure you're still a decent person. People I've talked to in the past have told me they feel like terrible people because they ingested a mind altering chemical. IMHO, if you're a decent person before you dose, then you're still a decent person. You've just had a dip in the non-ordinary reality pool. Exercise and sticking to a good diet can certainly help (healthy body, healthy mind). For me, staying focused on school, work, my family, hobbies, etc. helped me keep it together. Give yourself some time and I suspect you will start to level out. Hang in there and take care.
  22. Relax, I doubt you're permanently damaged your brain. The weed these days is so powerful and the CBD has mostly been bred out it. If you smoke frequently it's no surprise you're feeling a little off. Take a break from smoking weed for a few months. You'll probably level out after some time passes. It never hurts to talk to your doctor if you're concerned. Hang in there, take care of yourself.
  23. Agreed. Getting on with life is very important. I've had this condition for roughly 40 years as well. Like having any other disability you have to accept the fact that you have it, do what you can to help with healing, and get your life moving. For me, sobriety was key.
  24. MadDoc

    Travelling with HPPD.

    Sweden is a wonderful country. Well, at least it was when I was there. I went to elementary school for a year in Stockholm. About ten years ago I visited again. Good people the Swedes.
  25. MadDoc

    Travelling with HPPD.

    For work I travel to the Czech Republic roughly every three months. The first trip anywhere, for anyone, can be anxious. Most of the people you encounter in Europe speak english. If that's your primary language it shouldn't be a problem. Just relax and take it as it comes. Keep reminding yourself everything will be ok. The world has gotten smaller and foreign lands are familiar. In Prague Starbucks is a common sight. Traveling on a plane can be an anxious experience. I load music that I love on my phone and try to forget where I am. Yes, planes are weird, but they're very safe. Airports a just a pain in the ass, but if you stay calm, they're easy to navigate. Enjoy your travels. Having this disorder doesn't mean you can't have a wonderful journey.
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