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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum


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Everything posted by MadDoc

  1. Thank you posting the article and for your comments. One thing to note, in the drug culture in the early 70s, "flasbacks" were thought to be nonsense. They were portrayed in the media to be like experiencing a full dose. I had never known of anyone who experienced anything like that. We all realized that dosing made you experience the world differently once the dose wore off, but we thought it was limited to things like reevaluating your priorities in life. I never heard of anyone discussing the permanent disabling symptoms of hppd. If I had thought about it some, it should have been obvious. There were certainly some acid "casualties" around. We just assumed this was due to some underlying mental condition that had come to the surface. I wish the media had been honest about psychedelics. We all thought the flasback danger was just a scare tactic. Then again, I'm not sure I would have listened.
  2. I also had a love affair with acid. To me it wasn't just a tool to find answers, it was the answer. I was just a kid and didn't realize how wrong I was. Unfortunately, back in the early 1970s, there were a lot of people around who also thought it was the answer. As @sami stated, you haven't ruined you life. You're in a strange and unfamiliar place and that can be scary. In this forum there are quite a few people who have done remarkable things with their lives. While I don't consider my life remarkable, it sure has been a great ride. We can't turn back the clock and change the things we've done. However, once you get clean, the healing can begin. Don't tempt fate by continuing to use drugs. Set some goals for yourself and start moving toward them. Never give up on yourself. Hang in there.
  3. Welcome. You've come to the right forum. What you're dealing with is reminiscent of many of the posts in this fourm. You're in good company. I have a few suggestions. Early hppd like symptoms can moderate over time, but be patient. It can take a while. You may just be experiencing the "aftershocks" following your last trip. Stay away from psychedelics including cannabis. You mentioned that your symptoms are mild now. It can get much worse with continued drug use. Try not to focus on your symptoms. Instead, focus on your life, school, work, etc. There are quite a few people in this forum who have lived successful and happy lives with hppd. Try to be optimistic. I'm not trying to suggest you have hppd. I'm not qualified to do that. I'm no expert and I'm not a doctor. I'm just someone who has had this disorder for a long time. Hang in there, and take care.
  4. I just noticed this thread is "hidden". Was I not supposed to post here? If so, I'll remove my post. I was wondering why it was pink Interesting! I don't think I've mentioned this before, I'm dyslexic. My writing skills in grade school were poor at best. I've always loved to read, but I read very slowly. In high school I was labeled as "slow" even though I excelled in mathematics and the sciences. The creative arts (painting, drawing, etc.) came easily to me as well. I wasn't diagnosed as being dyslexic until I was in my early 30s (my wife suggested I get tested). Once I started using computers and had a keyboard, I found I could write! With a pen and paper, I still have difficulty. Even writing a simple note is difficult. It's strange because using a pencil and paper I could write symbolic mathematical notation with ease. Unfortunately, high school was when I started gobbling down psychedelics which didn't help. I hope my post is relevant to this thread. I read your post and what you dealt with in high school sounded very familiar. The brain is a strange place, at least mine is.
  5. For me, adapting really helped. I came to the realization that I have a disability. Over time, I accepted it and learned to adapt. Like losing one's eyesight or losing a limb, we find ways to compensate. Over the decades it got easier, and now it's just part of who I am. @justhere the phrase "I've adapted" sums up part of the process toward being well.
  6. I'd stop consuming weed. Around the time I quit dosing it started to give me panic attacks. Before that time, I used to smoke weed at every opportunity. I've only smoked a handful of times since. Each time, I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind. It's almost like my brain is totally out of my control. I honestly felt like I had lost it. Fortunately, it wears off eventually.
  7. First off, don't panic. You're here and you're clearly mentally intact. Try not to assume every symptom you have might be hppd. For example, muscle twitching. There are a lot of reasons that could happen. As humans, our interpretation of reality isn't always just exactly perfect. Don't assume every anomaly is related to hppd. Try not to focus on your symptoms. Take that vacation and relax. In the mean time, focus on work, fun, hobbies, friends, school, etc. It's too easy to implode making any symptoms seem worse. Never underestimate how strong you are. If you do have some level of hppd (note, I'm not a doctor or an expert on hppd) you CAN live a full and happy life. Read some of the recent posts in the "introduction" forum. There are a number of people who have done some amazing things. Also consider this. Psychedelics can have after effects that aren't necessarily permanent (trails fo example). Don't assume your symptoms will just get worse. If you stay clean, and that includes cannabis, the better your prospects. Stay clean, stay positive, and take care of yourself (and those around you). Keep posting, and read posts. Lots of good information in here, lots of bright people as well.
  8. I'm repeating myself (like most of my posts). I too felt alone for decades. When my symptoms became apparent, there was no internet so finding information was almost impossible. None of my friends who dosed as heavily as I did had the issues I did. I discussed it with a doctor once (late 80s) and he basically said "you got what you deserved for using drugs". Back in the early 90s I did see a short TV clip of a guy who described having symptoms that fit this disorder. He said that faces looked like different colored dots. I suddenly realized "it's not just me". Finding this forum was the first time I could really discuss what I live with. I just wish I'd found it before I was in my late 50s! So, no, you're not going mad. In this forum, you're in good company.
  9. Man, what you're going through sounds rough. I wasn't trying to make light of your situation, honestly. I don't know if my symptoms were atypical, but I didn't have DP/DR like you have. I had aggressive hallucinations, relentless CEVs, and ANXIETY. I always felt like I was on a low dose of impure acid. Not being able to "internalize information properly" is something I fortunately didn't experience. Your symptoms truly sound disabling. You write very well, perhaps that's an outlet that might be useful (I realize I don't really understand what you're going through, just an uneducated suggestion). Hang in, and take care of yourself. I realize those may sound like empty words, but it's all this Bozo has got.
  10. I know it's hard, and at times impossible, but thinking positive goes a long way. Helped me anyway, and I'm just your garden variety Bozo. Life is grand! We're the matter that woke up, and that's a special privilege in this strange universe.
  11. Welcome. You're more living proof that this disorder doesn't necessarily limit us. I've had hppd over the long haul as well. The good news is that some of my symptoms are almost totally gone. It took decades for them to go away, but I'll take it! Unfortunately, I can't shake the visuals, but I've had them for so long, they're just part of me.
  12. I have a very similar history. I started dosing just before my 14th birthday (1973). I assumed the symptoms I had would vanish when I stopped. Of course, they didn't. I too thought I was the only one in the world who was stuck with this. I stopped dosing in 1979, there was no internet, and nobody to talk to. I realized there's nothing particularly unique about me so I figured there must be others. When I found this site, I realized that I wasn't alone. Life has been good to me as well and many of my symptoms have nearly vanished. I still have significant visuals though. I'm almost 60. Welcome!
  13. MadDoc

    Hppd flare up?

    Yes, there is hope for you. Don't start thinking there is no hope. Your symptoms significantly moderated before and that's a really good sign. I have no idea why the flu, tamiflu, or antibiotics would cause a relapse (I'm not a doctor or a medical professional). I'm hyper-sensitive to cold medications and don't take them. You may have a similar issue Have you had a physical since you were sick? Just curious. Stay clean, stay focused, and give yourself some time. I can't stress enough, your life is worth living! Don't ever underestimate your inner strength. Hang in there and take care.
  14. You're clearly mentally intact and you recognize there might be an issue. Be thankful that you discovered this early on. Also, you dosed quite recently. Even after a chemical like LSD wears off, there can be residual effects that aren't necessarily permanent. Try not to dwell on your fear because fear can cause stress and stress can make everything feel worse. As Jay said, stay clean and that included cannabis. Give yourself some time and be patient. Hang in there.
  15. Every one of us has different circumstances. Understood. Each of us can take the path of being negative or being positive. @hope1 I'm very happy to see that you're posting. Honestly.
  16. Just curious, have you had any medical tests since your surgery? I'm wondering if you have an infection of some kind.
  17. You're not "screwed". Not at all. Like I, and most people in this forum will say, stay clean. Avoid psychoactive drugs, that's very important! Be patient, I don't know if you just dosed that once. If so, it's likely the symptoms will fade. However, be patient. It can take a while. Keep moving with your life. Try to focus your mind on the productive and joyful aspects of your life. I'm an old guy who took a ton of psychedelics. Some of my symptoms appear to be perminent. However, I've never considered myself as being screwed. Life has been good to me, and I hope to ride this planet around the sun many more times. Hang in there and never give up.
  18. MadDoc

    HPPD Relapse

    That's rough. Having your symptoms fade away only to have them come roaring back. Fortunately, I've been able to avoid prescription medications due to lifestyle changes. Granted, I've only dealt with age related issues like cholesterol and blood pressure. I think it's important to tell our doctors and healers that we have, or have had, hppd. I suspect most of them won't have a clue, but perhaps it'll prompt them to get one. Hang in there. If your symptoms faded chances are they will again.
  19. Never give up. We're given this amazing opportunity to witness whatever "this" is. There are a number of us old folks in here who have dealt with this disorder for a long time and we're all doing surprisingly well. It's easy to fall into despair. I sure did early on. I look at it as a disability. If I had lost my eyesight or lost a limb, what can be done? Do I bail on life or get up each day and do the best I can? As for not caring, there are folks in here who do care. People trying different techniques, prescriptions, and lifestyle changes that might help. People share what they find and they wouldn't do that if they didn't care. Do the big corporate interests care? No, they just care about how much money they can squeeze out of everyone. It's heartless, and it isn't fair. As a species we could do so much better. This disorder can be so hard to deal with. Throw trying to live, and it's even harder, at times ridiculous. Personally, I wouldn't trade this opportunity to be here for anything with or without hppd. I realize I'm babbling again. I guess being a space shot is also permanent in my case. Hang in there, and I hope you continue to share in this forum. You never know how your experiences might help someone in the future.
  20. Permanently? I suspect my visuals are permanent, so yes, it's possible for some symptoms to loiter around. Understand that I took a ridiculous amount of psychedelics at a young age. It doesn't mean anything is permanent in your case. That being said, many of my symptoms have vanished or have significantly moderated. Degenerative? I associate that term with something like Alzheimer's disease. I've had this condition roughly 40 years and my mind is as sharp as ever. I'm no expert on hppd. All I really understand is how it has effected me. I'm not sure if that addresses your concerns, but I hope it was useful.
  21. I'm all for studies, that's fine. However, understand that this forum is for those of us who are suffering from the repercussions of using psychedelics. Long term well-being isn't exactly what many of us are experiencing. For what it's worth.
  22. I think taking drugs like LSD changes everyone to some extent. It's a powerful experience where you can look into your own mind, not something that happens every day. I'm an awkward human too, but I was born that way. Don't beat yourself up for being a little out of step. Some of the most successful people I know come from the awkward ranks. My suggestion is the same in most of my posts, lay off drugs, at least for a while. You're young and it's likely you'll bounce back. If you continue getting high, who knows. Just my opinion, you understand. Also (more advice from an old guy), don't dwell too much on "the rest of your life". Focus on making progress now. Never give up on yourself, just because you're altered from drugs doesn't mean your not a worthy person. Take care of yourself, stay clean, keep focused, and chances are good that you'll be doing ok after a while. Also, be patient. Hang in there and take care.
  23. I don't have visual snow, never have. I have visuals to beat the band, but no snow. Categories, taxonomies, labels, etc. never quite fit in the real world. I think hppd a spectrum disorder as varied as the people who have it.
  24. I've tried an array of supplements and vitamins. None of them did much of anything for my visuals. We're all different though. Just because they didn't help me doesn't mean they don't work at all. My visuals are deeply burned in unfortunately.
  25. @HalluciSofos I had the exact same reaction to cannabis. I used to smoke it all day, every day, then very suddenly, panic attacks. From what I've heard it's not that uncommon. Lay off the weed, at least for a while, and see how you do. I take CBD to help me sleep from time to time. It's the only sleep aid that doesn't make me feel like a zombie in the morning. Keep calm, you're here and your cognition is clearly intact. I don't know if your symptoms will get worse. Hppd can be variable where it's bad for a while, it seems better, and then it slips again. Don't assume any increase in symptoms is permanent. As others have said, stay away from psychoactive drugs. I can't stress that enough. I don't take any medications but others in this forum have had success with them. Read through the forums, lots of bright people post here. Don't give up on yourself, keep focused, and do the best you can. Hang in there!
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