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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

MadDoc

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Everything posted by MadDoc

  1. MadDoc

    hppd is a bitch sometimes

    Hi Jason, it sounds like you have a good attitude. That goes a long way in helping one be well. You're also avoiding psychedelics and weed, that is another important step to getting well. You mentioned how your heart rate spikes. I dealt with that for a solid decade. You're practicing meditation. Stick with it! I used to have panic attacks until my doctor sent me to meditation training at a local teaching hospital. It's powerful medicine if you practice. It takes time for the deeper benefits to kick in, but it leveled me out. I practice daily anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes daily, rain or shine. The other thing that helped me was throwing myself into life. Going to school, raising kids, my profession, hobbies, etc. Keep busy, keep focused, keep moving. Perhaps it's worth mentioning, I've never taken prescription medication to treat hppd. I realize medication helps many people in this forum so I'm not knocking it. It just wasn't my path I guess. That, and few doctors had ever heard of this disorder during 80s or 90s. I'm an old guy who took a truck load of psychedelics when I was a kid. I stopped when I turned 20 after 6 years of heavy use. Life can be wonderful even with this disorder. Don't let it define you. Perhaps that's easy for me to say after all the decades I've had to get used to hppd. You mentioned "life is forever". It goes by in a flash. Either that or it just seems that way as the decades tick by. To me, it's gone by fast! I hope what I've written is at least somewhat coherent. Take care.
  2. MadDoc

    Sick but afraid to take medicine

    I can't take pseudoephedrine. For whatever reason I'm hyper-sensitive to it and it makes my visuals worse. That may just be my body chemistry. Other "over the counter" remedies don't seem to cause any issues with me provided I take the recommended dose. I don't take DXM for cough because it doesn't seem to work, and frankly I'm afraid to take it.
  3. MadDoc

    Cured hppd 100% full recovery

    Meditation is powerful medicine. It's wonderful to hear that the practice is helping. For me, it really helped with anxiety and greatly reduced the negative messages my brain kept bringing to the surface. Keep at it!
  4. MadDoc

    Psychedelics documentary (UK based)

    I'm not in the UK but I'm glad someone is willing to create a documentary about this disorder. Don't watch TV much, is Vice an internet or "cable" station?
  5. Anyone who has read my post realize that I basically repeat the same message. I'm going to do it again. I've had this disorder for a long time, over 40 years. Fortunately, over time, most of my symptoms have gone away or are greatly reduced. I still live with visuals and weird thought patterns. I'm nobody special. Just another Bozo stumbling through life but it's been a good life and I'm hopeful that I still have decades to go before the lights go out. We have a disability, and like anybody with a disability we have to fight harder to reach for the things in life that make us happy and fulfilled. All anyone can do is get up each day and do the best they can. Some days it's not much, other days we can accomplish a lot. For me, taking on life was what helped me learn to live with hppd. I understand that at first it can be really difficult but in the long haul I didn't let it define me. That's what got me fighting back, refusing to let this win. Hiking and walking are some of my favorite activities, as are reading, museums, music festivals, people, etc.. Finding a career that was interesting and challenging didn't give me time to implode as did raising a family. Start simple and build on what you have accomplished. Life is so very strange. Suddenly we're here out of nothing, and as I get older I realize our time here is brief. Take it in while you can. As Richie Havens used to say at his shows, "I'm happy to be here, I'm happy to be anywhere!". I hope that made some sort of sense and I hope I didn't sound like I was giving a lecture.
  6. I developed this condition long before the internet existed. The only people I talked to about it were the people I used to dose with. None of them had symptoms like me. I figured I was the only one in the world with visuals etc. A few years back I decided to see if there was anyone out on the WWW who had this condition. When I found this site it was a huge relief! I though I was alone. Now I finally realize that I'm not alone. As for the deep breathing exercises. My doctor sent me to meditation classes at a local hospital. I stuck with it and for me it has helped. It's basically mental focus and if you stick with it, it's possible these exercises will help you as well. Like learning a musical instrument, you have to practice. Many of my symptoms have gone away or are greatly reduced. It took time, but then again, my dosing history was a bit extreme.
  7. MadDoc

    Is this HPPD?

    Floaters are normal. Perhaps you're just noticing them now. I've never heard of lsd causing retinal detachment. I took a truck load of acid, and my eyes are still working fine. I suspect you don't have hppd symptoms. Perhaps some residual post-dosing weirdness. If you're concerned, stay away from drugs for a while to see how you're doing. Understand that hppd can be a truly debilitating condition, and it doesn't sound like that's what you're dealing with. Just my opinion you understand. I'm not a doctor, I'm just some old guy who has had hppd for a long time.
  8. MadDoc

    Please help

    If cannabis is causing such an adverse reaction (dab), perhaps you could set it aside for a while. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just a suggestion. I've never done salvia. It came along long after I stopped using drugs. I did consume my share of DMT and took fairly massive doses of LSD/Mushrooms. Losing your body, turning into a singularity, and similar experiences can leave the mind shaken for a while. It's not surprising that reality is not quite right after such a powerful experience. Again, you might want to take a break, give the brain time to reset, then see how it goes.
  9. MadDoc

    am i developing hppd?

    Staying clean is an excellent decision. Getting out and exercising is also a good move. Mind and body. Keep yourself focused on your studies, work, hobbies, social connections, whatever. My advice is to not implode. As someone said earlier, don't give your symptoms your full attention. Accept them, realize that they're a part of you, but don't feed them. Be strong and don't let this beat you! Life continues. You're doing great. Keep clean, keep exercising, and focus on the things that interest you and give you joy. What helped me? Staying clean, staying focused, and time. If you have some form of hppd you can live a happy productive life. It's possible that you don't have hppd at all ( I'm not an expert or a doctor). You were wise enough to seek sobriety early in life. That's key. Hang in there and take care.
  10. MadDoc

    Can’t handle this much longer

    Keep going and don't give up. Wise words. Just being human is tough in and of itself. People who don't have hppd struggle to navigate their lives. What helped me was to admit that I have a disability. But like the runner who lost a leg, or the artist who is losing their eye sight, all we can do is keep trying. We just do the best we can. Get up each day and do it again. I realize what I've said is obvious, but it gets me through each day. Hang in everyone and take care.
  11. MadDoc

    Anxious and need help

    Weird! My visuals are very different. It's like I have extreme visual pattern recognition. Goes to show, we're all different and these chemicals can leave us with very different symptoms. Do your visuals come and go? Are there times, certain activities perhaps, where you don't see the world as a set of frames (if I understand it correctly)?
  12. MadDoc

    How is your mood ?

    Couldn't be happier to be here. When i think about how improbable it is that I exist at all, I feel quite happy to be greet the day.
  13. If weed is doing that to you, perhaps take a break? I'm not trying to tell you what to do. A reset might not hurt. If you feel you have hppd after a few weeks after dosing, that might not be what you're dealing with. Dosing can make regular experiences seem intense. Thought patterns can change, world view, your place in the universe, etc. That's not hppd. Disclaimer: I'm no expert or a medical professional. Friendly advice, stay clean for a couple months, determine where you are, and move forward. I still go out to hear shows, and go to psychedelic events. However, I don't indulge. I'm weird enough already.
  14. MadDoc

    HPPD

    This site has been huge for me. For decades I thought I alone was cursed with this condition. I go through life with a collage of visuals and man, that ain't normal. The people I used to dose with done report any thing like what I got sacked with. I don't internet much but this site allows me to communicate with others facing this disability (ability?). I think the moderator does a nice job. Again, glad the site is here, and seems to be humming along nicely.
  15. MadDoc

    Anxious and need help

    Would you describe the visuals you have? I have visuals as well. If I understand the kind of visuals you have, perhaps I can relate. As for anxiety, I guess there are a lot of ways you can approach that. All I can say is what I've done. Staying clean and keeping focused is what got me through. Reading, studies, learning a new skill, etc. Helped me a lot. Why? Because when I'm focused I'm not anxious and I don't hallucinate. I'm also big on meditation. Anyone who reads my posts (there might be one or two) knows I often bring up meditation. It's just mental focus, but it helped this old fool. Take care, never give up.
  16. MadDoc

    Feeling of constant dizziness

    Dizziness can be due to an inner ear problem or some other physical issue that can be identified. Your dizziness may have nothing to do with mushrooms or MJ. As I'm sure you're aware, panic atracks aren't uncommon with the hybrid bud available today. I mean 20 percent plus THC? Yikes! The stuff we had back in the early 70s was 2-4 percent and even that could send a soul into a tailspin. Go to the doctor and get the dizziness checked out. To combat other symptoms, avoid any psychoactive recreation and you might level out after a while.
  17. It's hard to say. For some, full recovery. For me, not so lucky. Taking acid for a while can change you. The way you see the world, your place in the universe, and unfortunately some of us are stuck with less desirable results. Each of us is different so I don't know how long it will take for the visual abnormalities to moderate or dissapear. I think continuing to stay clean is the best first action you can take. Move forward with your life, stay focused, and don't give the visuals too much attention. Not much of an answer I realize.
  18. Don't beat yourself up for using drugs. We're all trying to make sense of why we're here and psychedelics is often used as a step in the path to trying to figure that out. My mistake was that I thought psychedelics was the answer instead of a learning tool and I fried my noggin'. I can only suggest to not feed the guilt. What's done is done. Take what you've learned and move forward with the knowledge you might have gained from those experiences. I hope that didn't come off as too flaky.
  19. I started taking psychedelics around the same age. After six years of heavy use I finally stopped. I've had visuals ever since. I'm now 59. So yes, it can linger for a long time. Some of my symptoms have vanished almost entirely (Closed Eye Visuals for example) but the visuals are still with me. I took the natural approach. Sobriety, meditation, and I try to stay as focused as possible. I do this because when I'm focused I don't hallucinate. Don't despair, just because I have (probably) permanent visuals, doesn't mean you will. I'm just a run of the mill human and life is wonderful. Even with the visuals. Take care of yourself.
  20. MadDoc

    Advice

    Perhaps you could visit the doctor, describe your symptoms, but don't go into the fact that you dosed. Some of the symptoms you describe might have nothing to do with psychedelics. Tests can rule out other potential issues. As for drinking and meeting people, some of the nicest and kindest people people I've ever met were sober by nature. Something to ponder.
  21. I never had heard of "visual snow" until I found this forum. Hppd, at least the way I understand it, is a spectrum disorder. A little different for each of us. Early on my symptoms were hallucinations, anxiety, and Close Eyed Visuals. Over the decades the anxiety let go and the CEVs finally vanished. I still have the hallucinations and I'll probably have those for the rest of life. I think visual snow is a symptom that some people get but not all A segmental of the spectrum so to speak. I hope that made sense. Just my perspective you understand. I'm not an hppd expert.
  22. Thank you for posting. First off, I'm not a doctor or an expert in hppd. I'm just an older person who has had it for a long time. A lot of people have panic attacks from smoking weed. The weed that's available today is SO powerful. It's no surprise that you experienced anxiety from it. I know people who have smoked for decades who won't touch what's available today. Fortunately, you've decided to give MJ a rest. The symptoms may simply be indicators that you're susceptible to hppd. I honestly can't tell for sure. Many of the visual anomolies you describe could be caused by eye fatigue or common eye abnormalities. Us humans don't always perceive "reality" just exactly perfect. Old people like to tell stories, let me describe what I deal with. If I stare at anything, floors, ceilings, trees, clouds, within a few seconds they start transforming into patterns, animal, Aztec glyphs, etc. If I keep staring they start to move and sometimes the colors start to shift. I've had this disorder for almost 40 years. HPPD for sure. People in here describe derealiazation and anxiety that is truly debilitating. Some describe hppd as being on a low dose of acid all the time. Is this the kind of thing you're experiencing? As I said, I can't tell if you have hppd, early hppd symptoms, or if you don't have it at all. My gut feeling is that you don't have hppd. Please understand I'm not trying to minimize what you're dealing with. Anxiety is no joke but, unfortunately, it is part of the human experience in a world that can't seem to rest. This is what I would suggest. Continue to stay clear of psychoactive drugs like MJ, acid, etc. Focus on the things that interest you and that give you joy. Why do I say this? When I'm focused I don't have hallucinations. Staying focused and reaching for goals in life is what saved this psychedelic wreck. Even if you have some early hppd symptoms, and you stay clean, I'll bet life will work out fine and those symptoms will improve. Myself, and others with severe symptoms have careers, raise families, and have found great joy in life. Hang in there and take care of yourself. I hope that helps.
  23. MadDoc

    HPPD at 14

    I started getting hppd symptoms at 14. My first memory of this was seeing a vine and a flower form on speaker fabric after smoking some weed. I think if I had stopped taking drugs at that point it probably would have cleared up. At 14, your brain is still elastic. If you stop using drugs, including weed now, your chances of contracting hppd are greatly reduced. I can't tell if you have hppd. You may just have "post dose" anxiety. I continued dosing from 14 to 20. I'm nearing 60 and I have visuals that will probably never go away. Don't beat yourself up, take action. Get clean and reach for what you would really like to do in life.
  24. MadDoc

    do i have hppd?

    You dosed on mushrooms just once before the brownie? Note, I'm no doctor, nor am I an expert when it comes to hppd. I suspect if you avoid drugs you will level out in a few months. You may have the early indicators that you're susceptible to hppd. Don't tempt fate! Stay clean, keep focused, and don't dwell on the symptoms you're experiencing. I can't stress enough though, stay clean. Take care
  25. MadDoc

    I'm crazy

    "What type of math did you study?" My undergraduate degree was in math. My concentration was what they called "Abstract Algebra" aka Algebra. Graduate school ended up being computer science. I would have loved to continue with math but I had a wife and two babies to support. Also, I'm just too strange for a life in acedemia provided I could have pulled that off at all.
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