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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

MadDoc

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MadDoc last won the day on June 13

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About MadDoc

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    Walking, hiking, the mountains. Reading, concerts, family. Politically active. 50s Sci-Fi movies. Philosophy.

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  1. You buy your ticket, you take your chances. Perhaps a silly old expression but appropriate I think. I smoked my share of DMT way back when and it can be a very heavy duty experience. Someone said ( I can't remember who) that when it comes to DMT best to have heavy gauge wiring installed. There are no guarantees in life. It might work out fine, it might not. I'm in my late 50s and, for me, staying clean is the path to happiness. Not trying to give a temperance lecture, just my perspective. YMMV.
  2. MadDoc

    A visit to the neurologist

    Back in the mid-80s I had an encounter with a doctor who was a real piece of work. I told him about my visuals. I told him that I was no longer using drugs (not totally true, I was drinking). His response was basically "you deserve what you get for taking illegal drugs". He was real nasty about it. I made some comment (to the best of my recollection) that he was one hell of a doctor for making a comment like that. Needless to say, I never saw that doctor again. I've never mentioned this disorder to any other doctor since. Doctors are people, therefore they are flawed. Like any other cross section of humanity there will be a certain percentage of jerks.
  3. I'm assuming you no longer use psychedelics, right? Great to hear that you've bounced back.
  4. You don't sound "dumb" at all. You have a real concern and you're seeking information. I wish I had done that when I first had symptoms. Unfortunately, at that time, there was no Internet. MJ is really powerful these days. I have a few friends who have never dosed who claim weed produces visual and auditory hallucinations. You may be experiencing the same thing. You dosed recently and the brain can hang onto those "memories" for a while. Consuming weed might be triggering what was "learned" during those experiences. My advice would be to stay away from hallucinogenic substances including weed at least for a while. It can't hurt, right? I'm no expert on hppd and I'm not a medical professional. That being said, if you do have early hppd symptoms, you don't want to ignore them. In my opinion (an uneducated one) it doesn't sound like you have hppd but don't take chances by continuing to use hallucinogens. Hppd can be debilitating condition so give yourself a break to see where you stand. Regarding your prescription, I'm not suggesting you discontinue medication prescribed by a doctor. I hope that helps. Take care of yourself.
  5. MadDoc

    worth trying a sleep study?

    Is it worth trying? I'd say yes. You never know what you may find. The more that's known about this condition the better. That being said, I'm not going to volunteer for a sleep study. I don't think I could sleep at all with wires attached to my head in a lab.
  6. MadDoc

    Doxycycline... oh boy.

    Lyme disease is nasty! I spend a lot of time in the woods. No matter how careful I am, every few years, a tick gets me. I get the test every year and once had had a positive result. The treatment didn't have any noticeable effect on my hppd symptoms.
  7. I haven't fully recovered, but many of my symptoms are gone including anxiety, close eyed visuals, depression, and feeling like I was always slightly dosed. Granted, it took decades. All that's left are the eyes open visuals. They haven't diminished much. Every once in a while I have moments where my mind and body is "out there" but I can snap myself out of it.
  8. I think quitting smoking is one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I lost my mind for a month. I have a friend who quit smoking crack ten years ago, but can't quit smoking. Congratulations!
  9. MadDoc

    Who am I

    Keeping busy helped me. Focus, be it a hobby, work, reading, meditation (now, you knew I'd throw that in there), or whatever. Keep the mind focused and never stop learning. You're a painter! What a wonderful creative outlet! I took psychedelics basically non-stop for over 6 years. At times, I dosed for weeks at a time. The first year after I stopped was difficult. I started dosing as a kid just shy of my 14th birthday. It took time to relearn how to be a normal enough to functon in society. Stay clean and you should start to readjust. I also felt a deep depression when I quit. Part of that was due to the fact that I could never go back to psychedelics. It had been my constant companion for a long time. I missed that psychedelic "place". Don't make the mistake I did by drinking too much. I spent the better part of my 20s drinking. I was functional and accomplished a lot, but drinking delayed dealing with a lot of issues. I'm approaching 60 and still have visuals (open eyed only) but life is wonderful and I'm happy. Keep fighting, never give up!
  10. MadDoc

    Life

    I've always felt like an alien mistakenly dropped on this planet. The way I think is just different. I make associations between things that seemingly have nothing to do with one another. People find it weird. I'm pretty sure all the psychedelics I snarfed down had something to do with it. Perhaps it's because I'm getting older, but I no longer care what people think. That being said, it's far more difficult when family doesn't understand. We depend on our family members for support, acceptance, and love. I'm lucky I guess. My parents and siblings are now very accepting of my weirdness. However, that wasn't always the case. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Sure, I'd love to hear your music.
  11. After I quit dosing, I had problems with anxiety and depression through most of my 20s. I self medicated with alcohol and I became something of a workaholic just to keep my mind occupied. When I was busy, I felt ok, when I was drinking, I didn't care, but I could never feel centered. My depression and anxiety went hand in hand. My brain was constantly full of negative chatter that would never shut up. It made me feel worthless no matter what I accomplished. I also constantly put myself down for being such a "burn out" because of the cronic visual hallucinations and CEVs. The anxiety/depression got better once I stopped drinking (I was around 30), my meditation practice (here I go again) finally shut up the negative mental dialogue, and I started jogging around the same time which also helped. I still get the winter blues when the days get short, but it usually doesn't stick around for long. These days, everything just rolls off like I'm coated with Teflon. Part of getting older I guess. That's how I remember it. My 20s were a long time ago.
  12. MadDoc

    Hello

    Welcome. First off, look through the posts under the various topics. There are some bright people who post here. Lots of good advice. Then there's me, who offers repetitive advice (: The only symptom I still have are (eyes open) visuals. What works best for me is staying focused. Work, hobbies, reading, cleaning the house, anything to keep my mind focused. As soon as I lose focus and I stare at anything the visuals start. For anxiety I meditate daily. I've been doing the practice for decades and it really helps. I also can't smoke weed. Makes my visuals intolerable and, for me, it makes me feel awful. As for eye pain, have you seen a doctor? As I said, I have visuals, but have never had any eye pain. I hope that helped, even if just a smidgen.
  13. MadDoc

    need help and hope..

    I've heard from a lot of people who used to smoke weed who can't use it anymore. These are people who don't don't have hppd. I don't know if my sensitivity to weed was just a natural progression that seems to happen to others or if was caused by all the psychedelics I consumed. I know it happened quite suddenly. I was smoking all day every day, then one day I just couldn't. I quit dosing shortly after weed quit me.
  14. MadDoc

    need help and hope..

    I think sobriety is key to making progress. That's the path I took anyway. I drank off and on for the first ten years after I quit dosing. I didn't start to feel pulled together until I quit drinkin'. Weed is impossible in my case. It makes my symptoms skyrocket and I get what can be best described as alien visual thinking. Strange because I used to get weed by the 1/4 pound just for personal use.
  15. MadDoc

    need help and hope..

    I'm no expert on hppd. I can only speak from my own experience. For me, hppd is most definitely NOT a degenerative disease. In my case many of my symptoms eventually dissapeared. Anxiety dissapeared first, CEVs were the next to vanish. I'm not sure if I ever had a severe case of DR/DP. I think I did to some extent but I also think it was less severe than what others are dealing with. I felt like I was on a low dose (sometimes not so low) of acid 24/7. That feeling is either long gone or I'm so used to it I no longer notice. As for hope, there's plenty. There's nothing special about me. I got an advanced degree, got married (still married after 37 years), raised two wondeful kids, and have a happy life. I hope I didn't sound like a pompous jerk saying that. I'm just trying to communicate that even with HPPD, you can follow your dreams and live a happy life. I've had this disorder for a long time and still have significant visuals. However, life is wonderful and I'm happy to wake up each morning to be able to live another day. That may sound ridiculous, but I'm a ridiculous human and that's how I feel. Anyone who has read my posts knows I basically say the same thing over and over. I want anyone who suffers from this disorder to have hope. Never give up. Hang in there, and take care.
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