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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

MadDoc

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About MadDoc

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    Walking, hiking, the mountains. Reading, concerts, family. Politically active. 50s Sci-Fi movies. Philosophy.

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  1. Thank you posting the article and for your comments. One thing to note, in the drug culture in the early 70s, "flasbacks" were thought to be nonsense. They were portrayed in the media to be like experiencing a full dose. I had never known of anyone who experienced anything like that. We all realized that dosing made you experience the world differently once the dose wore off, but we thought it was limited to things like reevaluating your priorities in life. I never heard of anyone discussing the permanent disabling symptoms of hppd. If I had thought about it some, it should have been obvious. There were certainly some acid "casualties" around. We just assumed this was due to some underlying mental condition that had come to the surface. I wish the media had been honest about psychedelics. We all thought the flasback danger was just a scare tactic. Then again, I'm not sure I would have listened.
  2. I also had a love affair with acid. To me it wasn't just a tool to find answers, it was the answer. I was just a kid and didn't realize how wrong I was. Unfortunately, back in the early 1970s, there were a lot of people around who also thought it was the answer. As @sami stated, you haven't ruined you life. You're in a strange and unfamiliar place and that can be scary. In this forum there are quite a few people who have done remarkable things with their lives. While I don't consider my life remarkable, it sure has been a great ride. We can't turn back the clock and change the things we've done. However, once you get clean, the healing can begin. Don't tempt fate by continuing to use drugs. Set some goals for yourself and start moving toward them. Never give up on yourself. Hang in there.
  3. Welcome. You've come to the right forum. What you're dealing with is reminiscent of many of the posts in this fourm. You're in good company. I have a few suggestions. Early hppd like symptoms can moderate over time, but be patient. It can take a while. You may just be experiencing the "aftershocks" following your last trip. Stay away from psychedelics including cannabis. You mentioned that your symptoms are mild now. It can get much worse with continued drug use. Try not to focus on your symptoms. Instead, focus on your life, school, work, etc. There are quite a few people in this forum who have lived successful and happy lives with hppd. Try to be optimistic. I'm not trying to suggest you have hppd. I'm not qualified to do that. I'm no expert and I'm not a doctor. I'm just someone who has had this disorder for a long time. Hang in there, and take care.
  4. I just noticed this thread is "hidden". Was I not supposed to post here? If so, I'll remove my post. I was wondering why it was pink Interesting! I don't think I've mentioned this before, I'm dyslexic. My writing skills in grade school were poor at best. I've always loved to read, but I read very slowly. In high school I was labeled as "slow" even though I excelled in mathematics and the sciences. The creative arts (painting, drawing, etc.) came easily to me as well. I wasn't diagnosed as being dyslexic until I was in my early 30s (my wife suggested I get tested). Once I started using computers and had a keyboard, I found I could write! With a pen and paper, I still have difficulty. Even writing a simple note is difficult. It's strange because using a pencil and paper I could write symbolic mathematical notation with ease. Unfortunately, high school was when I started gobbling down psychedelics which didn't help. I hope my post is relevant to this thread. I read your post and what you dealt with in high school sounded very familiar. The brain is a strange place, at least mine is.
  5. For me, adapting really helped. I came to the realization that I have a disability. Over time, I accepted it and learned to adapt. Like losing one's eyesight or losing a limb, we find ways to compensate. Over the decades it got easier, and now it's just part of who I am. @justhere the phrase "I've adapted" sums up part of the process toward being well.
  6. I'd stop consuming weed. Around the time I quit dosing it started to give me panic attacks. Before that time, I used to smoke weed at every opportunity. I've only smoked a handful of times since. Each time, I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind. It's almost like my brain is totally out of my control. I honestly felt like I had lost it. Fortunately, it wears off eventually.
  7. First off, don't panic. You're here and you're clearly mentally intact. Try not to assume every symptom you have might be hppd. For example, muscle twitching. There are a lot of reasons that could happen. As humans, our interpretation of reality isn't always just exactly perfect. Don't assume every anomaly is related to hppd. Try not to focus on your symptoms. Take that vacation and relax. In the mean time, focus on work, fun, hobbies, friends, school, etc. It's too easy to implode making any symptoms seem worse. Never underestimate how strong you are. If you do have some level of hppd (note, I'm not a doctor or an expert on hppd) you CAN live a full and happy life. Read some of the recent posts in the "introduction" forum. There are a number of people who have done some amazing things. Also consider this. Psychedelics can have after effects that aren't necessarily permanent (trails fo example). Don't assume your symptoms will just get worse. If you stay clean, and that includes cannabis, the better your prospects. Stay clean, stay positive, and take care of yourself (and those around you). Keep posting, and read posts. Lots of good information in here, lots of bright people as well.
  8. I'm repeating myself (like most of my posts). I too felt alone for decades. When my symptoms became apparent, there was no internet so finding information was almost impossible. None of my friends who dosed as heavily as I did had the issues I did. I discussed it with a doctor once (late 80s) and he basically said "you got what you deserved for using drugs". Back in the early 90s I did see a short TV clip of a guy who described having symptoms that fit this disorder. He said that faces looked like different colored dots. I suddenly realized "it's not just me". Finding this forum was the first time I could really discuss what I live with. I just wish I'd found it before I was in my late 50s! So, no, you're not going mad. In this forum, you're in good company.
  9. Man, what you're going through sounds rough. I wasn't trying to make light of your situation, honestly. I don't know if my symptoms were atypical, but I didn't have DP/DR like you have. I had aggressive hallucinations, relentless CEVs, and ANXIETY. I always felt like I was on a low dose of impure acid. Not being able to "internalize information properly" is something I fortunately didn't experience. Your symptoms truly sound disabling. You write very well, perhaps that's an outlet that might be useful (I realize I don't really understand what you're going through, just an uneducated suggestion). Hang in, and take care of yourself. I realize those may sound like empty words, but it's all this Bozo has got.
  10. I know it's hard, and at times impossible, but thinking positive goes a long way. Helped me anyway, and I'm just your garden variety Bozo. Life is grand! We're the matter that woke up, and that's a special privilege in this strange universe.
  11. Welcome. You're more living proof that this disorder doesn't necessarily limit us. I've had hppd over the long haul as well. The good news is that some of my symptoms are almost totally gone. It took decades for them to go away, but I'll take it! Unfortunately, I can't shake the visuals, but I've had them for so long, they're just part of me.
  12. I have a very similar history. I started dosing just before my 14th birthday (1973). I assumed the symptoms I had would vanish when I stopped. Of course, they didn't. I too thought I was the only one in the world who was stuck with this. I stopped dosing in 1979, there was no internet, and nobody to talk to. I realized there's nothing particularly unique about me so I figured there must be others. When I found this site, I realized that I wasn't alone. Life has been good to me as well and many of my symptoms have nearly vanished. I still have significant visuals though. I'm almost 60. Welcome!
  13. MadDoc

    Hppd flare up?

    Yes, there is hope for you. Don't start thinking there is no hope. Your symptoms significantly moderated before and that's a really good sign. I have no idea why the flu, tamiflu, or antibiotics would cause a relapse (I'm not a doctor or a medical professional). I'm hyper-sensitive to cold medications and don't take them. You may have a similar issue Have you had a physical since you were sick? Just curious. Stay clean, stay focused, and give yourself some time. I can't stress enough, your life is worth living! Don't ever underestimate your inner strength. Hang in there and take care.
  14. You're clearly mentally intact and you recognize there might be an issue. Be thankful that you discovered this early on. Also, you dosed quite recently. Even after a chemical like LSD wears off, there can be residual effects that aren't necessarily permanent. Try not to dwell on your fear because fear can cause stress and stress can make everything feel worse. As Jay said, stay clean and that included cannabis. Give yourself some time and be patient. Hang in there.
  15. Every one of us has different circumstances. Understood. Each of us can take the path of being negative or being positive. @hope1 I'm very happy to see that you're posting. Honestly.
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