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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

wandermoon

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About wandermoon

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  1. You guys need a 'save draft' when typing out posts. cause I just typed a whole long story out and accidentally hit back space and lost it all. I tried using the forward arrow but I had been logged out for being away for too long? Even though I was just typing that whole time. :C I'm definitely not going to type it all out again. Long story short I can not find anyone to prescribe me adderal. I was on my moms insurance for 25 years through a private medical group "Kaiser Insurance, since then I've spent the last 3 1/2 years bouncing from provider to provider and they all tell me they cant help me and to find a new provider. My kaiser medical file goes back to when I was 5 years old documented proof that I have been on stimulants since I was 5 and that I have gnarly bad adhd needing stimulants to treat me. I jumped through their hoops, I took their shitty meds that did make my condition worse, albeit temporarily, but they wont let me try it my way with adderal. I 100% no for a fact adderal will not make my visuals worse, I took it the whole first year I had hppd until I lost kaiser when I turned 25. I also have been taking it for the last 2 weeks, I bought some from a friend because I was seriously tired of being rejected and literally being a vegetable when I am at home. Also I have tried meth and cocaine as well as some other stimulants post hppd. Looking for something to self medicate. Cause it appears no one is ever going to help me. Meth gave me mild psychosis til I got a good nights sleep and cocaine gave me heavy psychosis lasting up to 72hours after last use. a lot of stimulants seem to do this I hear voices of people saying negative things about me and putting me down. But its always a temporary condition, it has gone away every time. Also adderal doesn't seem to do this at all. Not even an increase in my static or floaters, from what I read majority of people do have problems with stimulants but I didnt read individual cases on adderal. The only theory I have is that I have been on it since 4th grade and my body is just used to it. Anyway I don't know what to say to get a provider to help me. I don't know the right words. I have been to 10+ and have tried everything from being completely honest about my hppd and all my drug use to trying to lie my face off, but my adhd diagnosis and my hppd diagnosis is both from kaiser. I can't give them my adhd medical history without revealing I have hppd too. I don't know if I should be honest about my drug use post hppd. The last provider that just rejected me like 3 weeks ago, thats when I up and bought some adderal for ridiculous prices. This last provider was suppose to be an Adhd specialist and it was bogus. The therapist who did my intake assessment the one that shows if I still fell into the category for patients who need stimulants. She became my regular therapist after. I told her about my condition She was... surprise... unfamiliar with it and I told her it was in the dsm5 book, she pulled the book out and looked it up. I also told her about this website and she looked it up too. She then told my practitioner about my condition and the website and the practitioner told her that she wasn't worried about it. So I really thought these were going to be the people that helped me, but the practitioner waited 4months that was legit the soonest appointment for a prescriber at both of their locations. She waited 4 months just to tell me she couldnt help me and that I needed to see a neurologist. When I've already seen two from other places. Anyway before I keep rambling. I dont know what to say or how to talk to a psychiatrist or any doctor with a prescription pad, they are willing to throw all these fucked up SSRI's and anti pyschs at me that I do have bad reactions too. But none will let me even try adderal for a short period to see if it helps or I react badly to it.
  2. so i have had hppd or what i believe to be hppd for the last 10 months. it isnt super severe, but it continues to worsen. i've used a ton of psychedelics over the past couple years. i stopped using everything about 8months ago, after first really noticing my symptoms. i mixed mushrooms, mdma, lsd and lsa. had done this a few times before also with ketamine. i believe the lsa use is what triggered it. but of course i can not say for certain of anything. at first i was just hoping it was nothing and it would go away if i took a break, it was really mild. i used lsd on 3 occasions after this, which didnt really aggravate my symptoms much at all. last use was new years. my symptoms didnt get really bad til this past month, maybe 6weeks ago. i was taking adderal for severe a.d.d. and i was using kratom to sleep, because i also have severe insomnia, somtimes drinking a beer to help. anyway i noticed a huge increase in my visuals and have been off the adderal for 2weeks and trying to not use the kratom, but ive used it on 2 other occasions, when i could not fall asleep for the life of me. my symptoms are a lot like the comedown of lsd lights are bright (red,) like the break lights of cars are brighter than i have ever seen them on lsd. i get rainbow halos off white lights and colored halos off whatever color light it is, these are so bright i can not see past them. i get lines coming off lights in all directions, (also impossible to see past.) clouds really pop out and grab my attention during the day and they glow like on lsd at night. trees also pop out and they have this pattern that i saw on my last couple lsd trips, the ends of them kind of look like that (italian pinch and curl mustache.) also if there are no clouds i see a white spotted pattern on the night sky i can also see stars that i never saw before and others cant see them if i look at things too long they start to wave or breathe things not related to lsd i can see the squiggly hairs in my eyes 24/7 in the peripherals of my vision i get visual snow (blurry and sometimes staticy) and get palinopsia (after images) sometimes (usually in darker settings) i also started seeing this yellow/white light out of the corner of my eyes thats just a dot and it swerves around on the ground for a couple seconds and then disappears, this comes and goes. also i used cannabis less and less til i stopped using it entirely 3months ago. when i got my first symptoms, it started to feel worse and worse. made my heart race in my chest, but when i checked my pulse on my neck it felt fine. i felt confused and really weird in my head, the last few times i used it, i legitimately thought i was going to die. i couldnt feel my lungs, couldnt breathe, felt light headed and almost fainted. it also gave the room a tricolor haze. half the room was red, half was turquoise and the ceiling looked orange. (when researching hppd, i couldnt find information like this anywhere.) anyway. i didnt want any of these symptoms to get worse, but i was hoping someone could help me try and find medications that would work for me, i get kaiser insurance on may 1st. i have severe a.d.d. anxiety that worsened with my hppd severe insomnia (can't sleep without aid) even when i try and meditate i also have the mthfr genetic mutation. that makes me feel fatigued and confused 24/7 to the point i have to force myself to do things. the adderal helped, but not 100% i did start taking 5-mthf, but i havent noticed it helping yet. only started 4days ago. do caffeine and alcohol both make symptoms progressively worse? any help is appreciated. sorry if my post is scattered/unorganized, it's just how my brain feels currently.
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