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iHaveSeenEvil

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Everything posted by iHaveSeenEvil

  1. @China, Thanks for the kind words! =) If your HPPD has gotten better in the least I feel as though it will eventually all go away. Is very slow and gradual, but it does fade. I've always had floaters, which remained untouched by my HPPD. I've always known they were there, and I only really see them when I'm looking at a bright sky And my tracers/trails are pretty much gone. I'm assuming what I have left now is just what a normal blur is. My tracers used to be very bothersome, when people would talk with their hands or use a lot of hand motion to describe stuff it would really fuck with me. I don't have tracers that do that anymore. When people talk with their hands now I don't have that happen anymore. @hppd33 Coke is irrelevant to my HPPD, I've been okay with stimulants recently. Weed, Molly, ketamine, or ANY psychedelic I am done with forever. Anything that causes hallucinations or dissociation is 100% out of my life.
  2. So about five months ago I developed HPPD from a dosage of shrooms. You can all look at all the gory details of my symptons from something I had posted here if you're curious. Yes, it was fucking hell. http://hppdonline.com/index.php?/topic/3629-too-many-symptoms-to-keep-track-of/ So it's been about a week now, and I've been feeling normal, like entirely back to reality. I can't say I'm absolutely 100% cured, but I feel pretty fucking good. And yes, I had legit HPPD issues, not just me psyching myself out. I go almost all day and night without noticing any sort of weird HPPD thing, whereas before it was a constant 24/7 continuous awareness of my altered perception and visual problems. This includes socializing, work related stuff, cognitive processing, ect. I do have some issues with PTSD from it, so I think about it a lot, but even when I start thinking about it, it isn't triggering any anxiety or HPPD symptoms. I don't feel confused, anxious, no weird visual distortions, I don't feel like life is "fake" or "surreal" or a "dream", none of that fucked up DPDR shit either. I had mind blowing DPDR issues, like I thought I was done for. Not anymore, I'm feeling normal. I even did a bunch of coke and have gotten drunk a handful of times in the past week, and my brain remained normal. Not recommending either of those to anyone, by the way. I can now smoke cigarettes without it causing my visuals to get worse. I also have stayed away from weed and any other psychedelics or dissociatives, and caffeine. I've been taking seroquel to help me sleep, but I'm fairly certain that has nothing to do with my symptoms going away. I've taken it when I was having bad HPPD and it didn't do shit to help me. Either way, if I'm not 100% recovered yet, I am definitely on my way. It's slightly hard for me to tell what's "enitrely normal", BUT I am soooooooooo SOOOOO SOOOOOOOOOOOO much better than I was during my original onset. I was unbelievably fucked in the head, and now I feel so calm and collected. And no, this isn't a story about how I'm coping with it, it's seriously entirely going away. I'm confident that by the end of the year I will be able to forget I even had this issue. Even writing all this out, I still feel normal, even after dwelling and recollecting about it. Stay sober, fuck the drugs, stay active, stay social, exercise, try to live life as though there is nothing wrong. That's what worked for me, and what I will continue to do. Sorry this was a little long, but I really wanted to share this.
  3. I've always done really well with Xanax. 0.5mg to 1.0mg seems to do the trick. While it doesn't entirely remove the feeling of HPPD, my anxiey levels significantly lower, which makes everything manageable. I personally buy my Xanax illegally, but if you get the right doctor you might be able to get a benzodiazapine prescribed to you.
  4. Even though I feel like my HPPD is fading, the PSTD I've gotten since the onset is still fucking me pretty badly. PTSD is hell. >.>
  5. HPPD has grieved me with lots of depression, and mainly anxiety. I find it difficult to chill for a fucking minute. Before I used to be able to relax and enjoy a day with no worries, now it's like I'm in a constant battle to stay calm. I feel you 100%. This shit is a nightmare.
  6. I've had HPPD for 4 months just like you. For me I always find my biggest progress to recovery is staying sober, from everything. Fuck caffeine, sugar, tobacco, booze, and anything else like that. I fucking went to HPPD hell with caffeine, I mean fucking HELL, and after taking a break for a month I can now have a small amount again with no issues. Sobriety helps me heal. And I don't ever return to a point where I used to be after a good sobriety. I got shit faced last night, as drunk as I've ever been since I developed HPPD, and it didn't trigger anxiety hell like it used to. (Yes I know it was stupid of me to binge.) It's all getting better. Slowly but surely. It will get better, I promise. Please stay here with us. Also, Missjess, have you tried Xanax or any type of benzos? They have helped me significantly.
  7. Laizzes nailed it on the head. Hyper awareness can be an issue in itself. Whether or not you have HPPD, psychedelics can cause all sorts of weird issues with anxiety. You're lucky to have caught it so early or at least in the mild form it is. HPPD issues can and will build themselves off continued psychedelic use. Please, quit psychedelics while you're not too far gone!
  8. Everyone has floaters and can see static if they look hard enough. Everyone. You probably have simply become more hyperaware of what things look like after taking a psychedelic and you just so happened to notice them. They are both completely normal, and all you can do at this point is not worry about it, and you'll stop noticing it.
  9. The cigs seem to have an immediate negative effect on my visuals; tracers get worse like 30 seconds in. I have no estimate as for how long it affects them. Sometimes I have them for 5 minutes, sometimes the rest of the day. Cigs also can cause me to be light headed and anxious, and once the anxiety starts I start bugging about about literally everything and anything. And the mental loops you talk about can go on for hours for me. I understand about not feeling right at a party when I'm trying to be sober, all my friends smoke weed and drink every night. I find I can do fine (HPPD wise) with 2-3 drinks, which is significantly better than none, but I can't overdo it. So at parties I do have a few drinks to adjust my mood, but I can't get smashed anymore. If I have 5+ or wake up with a hangover it's game over for me the next day. DPDR and anxiety are crippling. Also if I even get second hand weed smoke at all I'll trip out hard for a few days. It's brutal. Right now you just need to focus on being relatively sober. Hell, switch to decaf coffee and caffeine free soda. I was upset I had to give it up cause coffee used to be my life, but then decaf saved my life, lol. I can keep to my regular morning tradition! It also clears up my HPPD brain fog, and I feel mentally normal, and free. Focus on what reduces anxiety for you and things will be more manageable. Keep busy, stay social, say safe! Life will improve, I promise.
  10. I would have never been able to understand HPPD before I got it. This community is a godsend!
  11. My friend had his wisdom teeth done without going under, he said he was nervous but the surgery itself wasn't bad. You're lucky you have an understanding dentist like that! You will be fine, I promise.
  12. Yes, I mean it wouldn't be considered "visual snow", but with my visuals and all always changing with new and bizarre symptoms, I always ask people if they see certain things in certain ways. In almost pitch black, I was seeing a lot of static, and asked my brother if he saw it. He said he totally could, he hasn't ever taken a psychedelic.
  13. Hey Alice, I feel ya on the mistakes, and it's okay. I find myself feeling better somedays and then drink too much and end up feeling dissociated and having visuals much worse in the following days. I always feel much better when I remain entirely sober. Like MUCH better. I feel free. We are only human, we make mistakes. Don't feel bad, and don't stress over it. Both of those are super important for recovery =)
  14. Hey Alice, as you said you considered yourself HPPD free at some point. You HAVE to remember that your brain is fragile, and can't handle drugs the same way anymore. If it went away before, it'll go away again. Keep your hopes up and I promise you'll feel right as rain again.
  15. Stop cigarettes and weed. And all stimulants. They make my HPPD and brain fog worse. Not to mention they blast my anxiety into an almost non functioning state. Being hung over fucks me up pretty bad too. For me personally, finding ways to reduce anxiety have helped me the most. HPPD feeds off anxiety. When I'm calm and collected, especially on a benzo or a few beers, I hardly notice it. Also, three and a half months in, I AM getting better. Slowly, but surely.
  16. I have HPPD, DPDR and visuals, but no visual snow. I mean I can slightly see staticky stuff if I look for it, but so can everyone.
  17. Yes, but I feel like the vertigo/dizziness is a byproduct of the anxiety. Is it kinda like anxiety leading up to a panic attack? Because when I get those "spikes" or random bursts of increased visuals I get anxious and I feel almost weak, like I'm sick almost. For me at least it seems that the anxiety causes the dizziness, versus the HPPD.
  18. Above all, I would say shrooms HPPD gave me hyper awareness and anxiety. Terrible addition to my PTSD, OCD and depressions I've previously had. I can't tell if I feel normal or not because I keep obsessing over if things feel normal. Yes, I do have mild visual disturbances like tracers and trails that are objectively HPPD, but I look at every detail in everything I see. Constantly. And I notice weird shit that isn't abnormal but I interpret it as abnormal. I see a light flicker and think its a visual white out, or a contrast change. I'm hoping one day I stop obsessing over these new DPDR and visual issues and that they die down, and I can just forget about it. Forever. I feel like if I could wipe my mind of any memory of ever doing shrooms, I would feel 100% meow. But that's also the curse of PTSD and OCD.
  19. Nope. Not yet at least, HPPD seems as though it's subsiding.
  20. For me the first month was the worst, especially that whole aspect with not feeling like I was in time or space. But after the first month I noticed that I started feeling more normal. It was critical that I stayed away from weed or anything of the sort though, if I was exposed to it at ALL it would like reset my entire healing process. Also cigarettes and caffeine were important to stop. My visual disortions are dying down more and more every day, slowly however, but surely. My thought processes are starting to return to normal too, and everything is starting to feel more normal. I'm not CONSTANTLY thinking about it 24/7 anymore, which I used to do. Now I can chill out and feel relatively normal. I think in the next few months you will notice that you're starting to get better. Eat well, exercise, and stay away from drugs, and you should start feeling better over time.
  21. Hey dude, I've been in Hell for a while now with this but ever since I stayed 100% away from weed I've been feeling better everyday. I mean, I won't smell a bag of weed, I'll leave the room or party if I'm getting second hand smoke, everything. Even slight second hand smoke triggers severe symptoms for me. It wasn't until I made a super hard effort to remove ALL WEED that I started making HPPD-free progress. 10 days is a good start, but you seriously have to stop smoking. Maybe forever.
  22. I've had so many symptoms ranging from visual disturbances; tracers, trails, ghosting, auras (it makes people look green-screened), dimension distortions, vibrations, horrid light sensitivity, colors issues, entire hue distortions, things looked cartoonish, or too contrasted, I had massively blurred peripherals, I could always see my nose and eye sockets, and I can't tell if I have visual snow. I can't distinguish between what is normal or not. I also have had issues distinguishing between objects, there seems to be no definitive lines between them and everything looks like a giant mess of nothing. I've had flickering and white flashes, but that was rare, brief, and only during my onset. And the DPDR symptoms, everything. Out of body experiences, can't feel my hands, body doesn't feel or look normal, I feel like I'm in limbo or a dream, I don't feel real, nothing feels real, feel like I'm floating away, my own reflection feels fake, lack of confidence, lack of meaning, lack of existence. I would watch TV and have a hard time believing those people were real and were video taped... Everything felt automated. Chaotic vertigo and dizziness was the worst, I felt like I was close to not being able to walk. It felt as though someone was pushing me or punching me, almost like in a nightmare where you can't move properly. The sound of my own voice became bizarre and fake at times. Massive cognitive issues; couldn't map out roads in my head, sending texts or calling people felt unreal, couldn't analyze my life right, my thought patterns changed, couldn't organize complex thoughts, massive brain fog, memory went to shit, reading things felt bizarre and fake. Time didn't exist to me, I didn't know what 6pm or what a Monday or Tuesday was. Side effects; massive anxiety, panic attacks, depression, PTSD, suicidality, all sorts of fucked up shit. I felt too disconnected from the world to even consider telling someone what I was going through, because it just felt too fucked up and fake to talk about. And I got major OCD over everything I did. I am always questioning and over analyzing every single move I make. Massive binging on booze and benzos, it eased the issues to a normality level. I am almost constantly checking for "reality". Functioning in everyday life and at work was so fucked. It was so fucking fucked. Straight fucked. I could go into so much fucking detail about each of these symptoms but there is just too much to write. Does anyone else feel like symptoms come and go? Like some sick fucking game? They aren't all always present, but weekly all sorts of weird unexplainable shit seems to cycle through my life. To the point where I don't know how to keep track of just how many shitty and fucked up things have happened. Might I add, over the three months I've had HPPD it seems to be getting much better. It's not just me coping, but it actually dying down. I'm actually feeling more normal now. A few months ago I felt like this site didn't exist even when I was reading it... Now it feels like a very tangible, real thing. Just wanted to throw that bit of encouragement out. I AM getting better. I often feel "normal" when entirely sober. There are a ton of symptoms I know I missed or forgot, but I was just curious as if other people had such an eclectic range of symptoms.
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