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Red last won the day on June 28 2014

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About Red

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  1. I received a direct message from a user that popped up in my personal email box today regarding a success story post I made on here several years ago. It's one of the first ones on this thread. The direct message actually surprised me as I pretty much altogether have moved on with my life. I saw there were others that I'd missed and I apologize to those people. I did not mean to ignore you. I was happy to see that my post had given people hope. I thought I'd stop in here to give a brief follow up and update. I'm now a fully functioning human being. I'm not perfect but I don't feel like I have any disorder that didn't exist before my ill fated trip. It's kinda crazy to say but I feel like a stronger, more independent person now post HPPD. I'd never go through that again if I had the choice but for those of you in the middle of this, there is light at the end of the tunnel and even a chance to better yourself. I'm now a graduate student at a reputable university working on my Master's degree. I have prospects of going on to earn a pH.D. I'm proud of myself for having the strength to go on and so should all of you that are staying strong. I'm sorry to neglect the forum for so long but I literally had not thought about HPPD in such a long time. I hope you see that as a positive sign that one day the thought may never cross you mind except when you see an odd email in your inbox God bless you all. I thank everyone on this forum that provided support and I in turn hope to do the same. Red
  2. It was pretty long and slow, the best advice I can give is to find way to deal with it as best you can and try to ignore it. Don't allow yourself to give it too much power over you and obsess over it. After I was able to stop thinking about it all the time I just kinda woke up one day and was like oh hey, my vision is a lot better than it was 6 months ago.
  3. As far as the visuals go, the first thing to go for me was was the moving/wavey patterns. This was the biggest problem. Everything is stationary now! My only symptom really is slightly blurred vision and some floaters but they are much less defined and offer little more than a slight annoyance at times. Honestly, I rarely notice them.
  4. Here is my success story. I really hope this helps people because when I first got HPPD almost 4 years ago at age 23 I was a total train wreck and thought I would never get my life back. I am certain that this forum played a huge role in saving my life because for a long time I was seriously worried that I would have no other way out than to take my own life. This was definitely my darkest time and it makes me a little sick to think about it but I feel like I owe it to all the kids out there who are suffering. I'll get to the point. I took mushrooms for the first time ever and I flipped out. There seems to be a pretty standard story to fear, a feeling that the trip will never end, it was a feeling I had never felt before. In my mind, I went to hell if it does exist. I woke up the next day feeling wierd, just off, sort of empty. I didnt think it anything serious until a week later, on new years day, I woke up after a night of partying in Las Vegas, and I knew something was wrong, I was sick, I was throwing up, and I was terrified, my vision was changing before my very eyes, everything was moving, and I knew something was wrong, the first thing I thought when I got up...the mushrooms were coming back to get me. I tried to tell myself it would be ok, that I was just sick from drinking, but it didn't stop. I didn't eat for almost a week, and I went to the hospital to get an I.V. to rehydrate me. In the ER, there was a true psychotic woman having an episode, It terrified me, because I felt I could somehow relate to her. I thought I had really lost it and I would never be the same. I'd heard of people "freaking out" and stories from the 60s, musicians like Brian Wilson going nuts on acid ect. and I starting thinking I was one of them now. I went home and felt so empty, but I couldn't even cry. My parents came back from a trip they were on, and it was like I didn't even know them, I was in my own little world. Things that were familiar were foreign to me, nothing was the same. As I worried more, things got worse, I started having panic attacks daily, I couldn't sleep, and my visual symptoms got worse. I had horrible headaches, nausea, paranoia, depression, visuals, the whole nine yards. At this point I think i was pre depersonalized, the panic was very strong, and it drove me deeper into a state of numbness. I was having terrible nightmares when I did sleep, finally, I think my mental anguish drove me into a state of numbness, where I couldn't feel anything around me, just like a zombie. I would say this was about 4-6 months into it. I started seeing therapists, and it helped a bit to have someone I could talk to because I didnt have anyone. None of my friends got it, and I was scared to tell my parents. At that point I wasn't even sure if they were real. I started reading on the forums, and this was a real game changer. I started to learn about some of the things that were happening, like the depersonalization/derealization, anxiety, ect. But more than that, I learned that there were people just like me, that I could talk to and would understand me, and even better that some people had survived it. This gave me what I needed, a little hope. Something to AIM for, a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course I was unsure and skeptical that I would get better, but at this point, in what seems like a rather odd reasoning, I decided that I couldn't be any worse off, and that the only choice I had was to get better, I really had nothing to lose. I knew it wouldn't happen soon but I thought, hell, I've survived this long (it was probably a year in) I can keep going, so I kinda just put my life on autopilot. I bought myself some time, I said, hey I'm just gonna deal with this day to day, not try to push myself too hard, and maybe in a few years I'll at least be able to function. That was a big deal, I accepted my situation, that it was gonna suck now, and that it would be a long time before I got better. During this time I had a lot of bad days, I also had some good ones. But every time that I had a good day, I kinda put that in my mental bank. Like saving pennies at a time. They add up. I made habit of doing things that would promote overall well being. That meant regular exercise programs, eating better, meditation, and yoga. I began to make steady improvements, I started having more good days, and things looked better for me. Someone once described HPPD as sort of like throwing a stone into the water, a huge splash, then lots of waves, ups and downs, and the slowly get less and less intense and I would totally agree. There was a long period of about 1 1/2- 3 years into HPPD that I began to get frustrated because I would feel great and think I finally beat it, then relapse again, I just wanted to be better, but again, time heals. This coming New Years day will be my 4 year anniversary of the day HPPD and I can say that this is behind me. In fact, I look back on it and I almost don't believe myself. It's almost like it was just a terrible nightmare. Which is how I had hoped I would look back on it some day. I want to put it behind me and never look back. But at the same time I want to help the kids that are on here because I know how terrible they feel and they need help just like I did. I owe it to someone because I survived and I want people to know that you can beat it but it takes work and commitment. I still feel a little lost, like I'm not sure who I am as a person, but I at least feel like I know where I am (haha). I just spent 4 years in a nightmare and now I'm awake. So I will try to offer some advice. The forums are great for helping you out, but don't spend too much time here. Don't spend hours on hours reading about peoples problems, about mental disorders. Education is good but at some point it will only make you more obsessive. Also, there is a lot of negativity here that will bring you down, because people that are on here are mostly here because they are having problems, not because they are doing great. For every 1 success story you will read about 20 horror stories. It's like watching the news, they only report on the bad stuff, you will never turn it on and have the reporter say "hey, everything is great." Again, do stuff that promotes good health, a healthy body is a healthy mind. Get outside and enjoy nature. I found it easier to connect with natural objects. Try to feel the sun, or the breeze on your face, little things like that. They can help you feel alive. Stop doing drugs, alcohol, tobacco, or limit your intake if you can. Smoking weed really made things worse for me. Talk to someone that can offer something positive and will understand your situation. If anyone ever wants to talk, on the phone, email, whatever, hit me up. Believe you can get better.
  5. Hey, I just discovered the forum is back! I was on it before it went down, then just gave up on internet forums to deal with hppd on my own. I'm going on 3 years since I got hppd coming up this December. I've been through a lot of sh*t from panic, to crazy thoughts, major depression, to EXTREME derealization, visual problems, and most recently a sleep disorder that made things just terrible. At first I was sleeping all the time, like 12 hours. Then I couldn't go to sleep. I really didn't sleep more than 5 or 6 hours a night for about a year which was really tough. But I'm happy to report, I'm doing about a billion times better then when I first started having problems. Lately, I'm just confused. If this makes sense, I feel normal enough to not say hppd is my biggest problem, but I still have mental problems. I really just feel kinda bipolar. I will slump into these depressions, they can last for weeks, then one day I will just wake up and be all stoked and come out of it for a while and be like see why did I even had those suicidal thoughts. It's like I'm constantly arguing with myself about whether I am depressed or not. Which leads me to my next issue, the dual self. I feel like I have two trains of thought, and they constantly battle each other, and they are both me, but sometimes don't seem like me. It's constantly going in my head to the point that when I actually talk, I'm suprised to hear my own voice. I don't know if it existed before hppd, or if it's something I developed out of thinking too much. But meditating seems to help because it kinda clears things out of my brain a bit. I try to think that it's just intrusive negative thoughts that are making me depressed. But it's hard to determine if it's me or just something that I am fighting off. In a lot of ways I think I am just in denial about having had hppd. Like I never really accepted that it was a major problem. When I look back on it, or tell someone about it, it brings no emotion. Maybe I just blocked it out, or maybe I don't remember. You know I never told my parents about this, I've just avoided them. I've just been waiting for it to go away before I talk to them. Now I look back and it's been three years and they probably just think I've been a total asshole because whenever I do talk to them it's like a 10 minute phone conversation that I just can't wait to get over with. I kinda tell them that I've been depressed, but they have no idea for real. It's just crazy, my mind goes a billion miles a minutes, I can't shut it off and I have all these different ideas, not just hppd but about all things, it could be about what I should do that day, like a thought to go read a book, or go do this, or do that with my life. But then when I bring it to reality theres just like this groan that goes through my's painful to do anything. I just get frustrated with myself. I wish I could bring my inner merged with my outer active self. I don't get it. I really don't. Ok well I got off on a bit of a rant there haha, but anyways...uh good to see the forums is back because this is really the best place for anyone with hppd. Without this place, I don't know where I would be.
  6. Seems this board has changed a bit since I have been here's been about 9 months. I've been in and out of here for the past two years since my hppd has started. I've gone through a lot since then, and would like to think I've made progress but I am not really sure at this point. Even as I'm writing this I still get the feeling where I'm struggling to write, as if this is fruitless. But I'll try to go on. I made a few posts here and there before but alot of the time I didnt really feel like they would be read or truely considered so I've been largely dealing with this on my own. I feel locked in my own head and it's not healthy. I know a few people that have reported problems similar to hppd in the past but they either don't seem to want to talk about them or I don't know if they are on the same page as me so I feel like its like talking to a wall. Same goes for my therapist. I think he has a pretty decent understanding of anxiety, depression, ptsd, ect from a "from the book" sort of way but I feel like hppd is a different breed. He is concentrating on what I consider "real" issues like my past relationship with my family, ect, which I think has some relevance but it really doesnt hit the nail on the head for hppd and I again feel somewhat helpless. It even seems to be warping this into a whole different realm to where I'm not even talking about hppd anymore and I wonder if I'm starting to generate new problems for myself in my head. A psychiatrist has suggested that I might be bipolar and try Zoloft which I am pretty reluctant to take. I just wish I had someone that could kinda read my mind a little bit, which I know is asking alot, but it seems like alot of people here can take someones broken description of what they feel and come out with "I know how you feel". I think if I could just have a conversation from time to time with someone in my world it would help alot because I feel locked away from the rest of the world alot of times and it seems like it may be coming out in strange ways. Lately I have been having episodes where I start to feel something rising inside me, and I get a tightness in my throat like I have had many times during anxiety, but this time I have an insatiable desire for destruction. Even if I scream, yell, whatever, It does not satisfy. I just want to break things, or crash my car, or something. Of course I would never want to hurt anyone or anything but I just think its me lashing out and feeling the frustration of trying to force myself back into the outside world. I hope that doesn't freak anyone out, I'm really a nice person, I just hope some of you understand. I have so many other instances that I want to share with someone, like how sometimes I feel so inside myself that I start to talk to myself in my head, and I will answer back with something, that I already know what I will think, but I will still have this conversation in my head, a battle of thoughts, and it starts to freak me out, like who else is in here with me. But if I speak out loud to myself, it doesn't feel right, like my verbal self wasn't even a part of it. I know that sounds crazy, but no I have never vebally heard or seen anything and I have been over plenty of times with my therapist how I fear that I could be schizo. I know this is not true, but the stress, rambling thoughts, overthinking, restless nights, meaningless theories, and billion different directions that I take myself are really wearing on me. I tend to keep to myself anyways, so it's always been easy to get an idea and have it stay with me for a while. I know this was alot about psychological theory but it all started with the same stuff everyone has had...extreme anxiety, panic attacks, blurry vision, afterimages, headaches, head pressures, ringing ears, nausea, depersonalization, lethargy, depression, I've had it all. Like I said I've been doing alot better, I have plenty of fine days. Even days when I feel normal, and I've even felt compelled to officially write my "success story" for everyone. But they say hppd comes and goes in waves like throwing a stone into a pool and I can't say I'm totally cured. I even wonder if i've even just gotten used to things sucking and that I'm not even getting better, just getting used to being out of it...and that scares me too. But theres just too many things to talk about. I wrote this after a day where all day i felt like destroying everything in sight, but oddly on the outside, i kept the same calm cool persona when I talked to people at work. Most of the times I felt like bursting out, but its just odd how I've trained myself to function while ignoring whats going on inside, which is something I don't think is truely good. Anyhow I've rambled long enough, long story short, if you would like to talk sometime about the good and bad, to be mutually benficial, hit me up at