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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum


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dukkha last won the day on February 6 2017

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  1. Hi all, I'm not on the forums much for obvious reasons, but I do like to drop by once in a blue moon to say hi. Today I want to ask you all a question. When you see the walls start waving, when you see static dancing on white surfaces, or when you feel your vision contracting, what is actually there? The answer is nothing. Now that's not something you didn't think you already knew, but the fact of the matter is that the answer is the same for those with HPPD and those without. Those people you like to call "normal people" (although I don't think that's an appropriate way to describe them in comparison to yourself) also have random visual input which they process in myriad ways. Us with HPPD also have random visual input which we too process is different ways. But ultimately, at the end of the day, the visual input is all arbitrary in the sense that it does not actually reflect external reality. It's as follows. Let's say you look at a table. Person A see it as a piece of wood with four legs that appears to be sitting nicely in a room. Then then label as "table." Person B (who has HPPD) see it's a piece of wood with four legs that appears to be waving and covered with static in a room. They then label it as "a table that shouldn't be like that and fuck my life I hate HPPD." Now really neither perception nor neither conceptual label is an accurate reflection of reality. If we were able to perceive the table for what it truly its then we would see more space than actual matter because, on the atomic level (I'm not a scientist) the space between particles is in fact greater than the space of the particles themselves. If we were to able to conceptually label it properly, well... actually the thing is that concepts are just that--concepts. They are just thoughts, just ideas that we create. They are no based in reality. Which brings me to my main point. While none of this experience of HPPD is grounded in reality, we believe it to be entirely real. That's where we are trapped. For as long as we believe our visual perceptions including to be "real," we will be trapped in whatever prison our minds create for ourselves, whether it be one with golden bars or with electrical fences and guard dogs. This may sound like a bunch of "just change your mindset, bro" nonsense, but I honestly feel like it is the truth. If you don't believe that change is possible please look more into neuroplasticity (if you are more inclined toward Science) or impermanence (if you are more inclined toward Buddhism). Changing your situation is possible and change rests within yourself, not in something external like some drug or remedy. Wishing you all health and happiness, Dukkha
  2. I really like studying languages.
  3. For me drinking has been a short term release and a long term postponement of symptoms. Take your choice.
  4. Hey brother, You speak true when you say "stress is the best friend of HPPD"! I think that may be your answer! Perhaps meditation isn't the way for you to feel stress free (meditation works for me though) but there is certainly a different way for you to relax. Peace & Love, Dukkha
  5. Hi there! Yes I do believe we are in it for life. But that doesn't mean our life is over! How did you find it only recently discovering the term "HPPD" to label your symptoms with. Did it help manage your symptoms or did it make them worse? That's really great you want to be a counselor. Something like HPPD might even be necessary to make one sensitive to others' sufferings. Lots of love, Dukkha
  6. Hi JoeyGeorgie, Welcome to the club brother! I know I can definitely relate to your symptoms. Sounds like you've got your ticket to enter the world of HPPD. You're case doesn't sound particularly abnormal though. Why do you think it is? The good news is that it's not going to get worse and get worse forever. That may be the case for a short time but you'll balance out soon enough. Obviously drug use is out of the question. Sounds like that isn't even an issue for you though. Caffeine (even in tea) also affects me in a bad way. I cut it out completely, which is hard depending on your culture, but it's definitely worth it. Exercise and healthy lifestyle stuff is a must. Exercise might give you some flare ups in the short-term, but in the long-term it's going to benefit your greatly. Much love, Dukkha
  7. Hi Rotbart, I must say, it's a pleasure to make your virtual acquaintance because you sound exactly like me. I also got HPPD from 2c-I (or 2c-B maybe?) but I'm sure the random shit in the ecstasy also didn't help. My symptoms are like yours too, my moderate visuals are manageable but the anxiety around speaking in front of people is terrible. I also use to be extremely eloquent before HPPD. Now it comes and goes. Sometimes I'm my old self and sometimes I feel literally retarded. Strangely enough, what I've found is that masturbation also can affect my voice a lot. I've actually gotten great result from abstaining from jerking off as strange as it may sound. I'm not opposed to it morally or whatever, but it's honestly what works for me. I know you're a young dude but if you're desperate consider giving it a chance. Wow man, reading your story again I have to say I'm touched. I remember myself when I was 19 and exactly in your position. I was in university and was loving the studies but struggling like hell from HPPD. So I guess the good news is that I'm 28 now and life got a lot better. I did well in my studies and began to get more confidence, and with the confidence I got my eloquence and happy life back. I would like to echo Boozebome and say that basically you have to maintain and healthy and simple life. Obviously drugs and drinking, even weed (or perhaps I should say especially weed) should not even be a consideration. Try to do a little bit of exercise and meditation, but don't stress out over being perfect or doing a lot. A psychiatrist could help if that's an option or even just a friend you can talk to. The forum is good to get your shit out, but it's also bad if you start reading all the topics day after day. Get outside and talk a nice walk to get some fresh air. It's good if you have one or two good friend. You don't have to tell them about HPPD or anything but if you have someone who you are comfortable to be around then you can feel confident to say whatever you want. Basically the reason we clam up and cannot express ourselves is due to hope and fear. The hope of being accepted and praised and the fear of being rejected and disgraced. So spend time with friends who you can say any sort of non-sense bullshit that comes to your mind. And also think that the other people around you, students or teachers or whatever, are not going to be in your life forever and who gives a fuck about what they think. And to be honest, they are also too self-centered and too insecure about themselves to have time to pay attention to the little subtle oddities in your voice that, to you, sound like huge errors. So don't worry about it. Luckily you're a young dude whose brain is still growing. Thanks to neuroplasticity you can heal from this shit and get better. You sound like a brilliant young man who is experiencing some obstacles. Welcome to the game brother. Keep your head up and everything is going to be just fine. That's my 2 cents, as they say in America. -Dukkha
  8. Hi all, I haven't been on the boards in a year or three. I find that the less I think about HPPD the less it affects me. And, similarly, the more I'm on the boards, the more the conversations and discussions here loop through my head, and the more frequently HPPD dominates my thoughts. But today I decided to stop by. Why? I wanted to share a small piece of advice. Honestly, I had been thinking of doing this for a while but for some reason, it was so incredibly hard for me to open this forum and log in. Anyways, here I am now. What I want to share is what has worked for me and is what continues to help me. I speak to you from experience. I've found that the less I think of HPPD as a "thing" and the less that I see myself as a "victim" the less I suffer. What that means, is that the less you let this thing called "HPPD" be what identifies you, the less power it has to affect you. I know what this sounds like. It sounds like I'm saying "don't make a big deal out of it." And yes, that actually is what I'm basically saying. And I also know how most people are going to react. "It IS a big deal" or "that's f***ing easy for you to say" and so on. And you're right. HPPD is a big fucking deal and words come easy. However, I'm also a sufferer of HPPD and I know where you are coming from. Your symptoms may be far worse than mine. Or they might not. You don't really know. There are a lot of people suffering in the world. In fact, let me retract that statement--everyone in the world is suffering. You might not be able to perceive it, but there is a not a single breathing creature on this blue planet of ours that doesn't have a considerable dose of suffering. Some people's suffering has to worn on the outside. Do you think it's easy being physically deformed? Others, those like you and me, have to bear our suffering the inside. We may look "normal" and "just fine" to others in the street, or even to family and friends around us, but the amount of suffering we have inside of us is incredible. Indeed, it's mind boggling. And similarly, when we go out in the streets, on the subway, or for a drive and see all the other people going about their lives, you don't know--their suffering may be absolute nothing compared to yours. Or, it may not. Maybe you're is but a bit of spare change compared theirs. You just don't know. A person who has a toothache thinks that is theirs is the most painful type of suffering that can happen to you and the person who has a headache thinks that's theirs is the most painful type of suffering that can happen to you. That's whats called being human. We are all so incredibly self-centered and absorbed in ourselves. So naturally, us HPPDers think that HPPD is the most awful thing that can happen to someone. And maybe that's true. Or maybe it's not. All I know is that I wouldn't wish HPPD on even my worst enemy. But let me get back to my point about not letting HPPD become your identity. Once that happens, once HPPD becomes you and you become HPPD, it's over. Game over. You've started a cycle where you continually feed HPPD and it's ceaselessly grows in power over you. The more you think about it, the more it becomes real. The more you obsess over it, the most it becomes solid. Of course, it's hard not to think about it when the room is melting and and the anxiety feels like it literally about to give you a heart attack. But have you ever wondered why Xanax is so effective. I've noticed that after coming off a panic attack due to xanax my mind is completely clear, like a blue sky without a single cloud. The drug cuts through the snowball effect between the visuals and your anxious thoughts and suddenly you're back to neutral. And after pure hell, what a beautiful place that is to find yourself. And that is the state we have to cultivate. That is the state of mind that we have to start trying to inhabit if we want to live again. And that is where I am now, to be quite honest. I used to be in the deepest reaches of hell and thought I'd never come back. And I'm not cured today either. Hell no. HPPD visuals are always there and will always be there with me for the rest of my life. That is one thing I know for certain. However I consider myself cured because, except for the occasional anxiety attack, I can live and I can be happy. Of course, the visuals are always there if I chose to look for them. But for the most part, I don't pay them any mind. Sorry, visauls, but I'm not going to give you the time of day. So that is how I don't let myself become a HPPD victim. I don't let myself think that I'm the unluckiest person on earth who had to get this terrible disorder when all my friends didn't and still trip all the time. I just see myself as a average guy, just another human being, who happens to have screwy vision and anxiety. Nothing more. If you can start to think of yourself like that, that is exactly what you will become. Likewise, if you think about of yourself as the person on earth with the most suffering, that is EXACTLY what you will be. A guy who seems himself as just another fucked-up guy can go out in to the world. He may be a little awkward, but he can still enjoy the joys and sorrows of life. A guy who see himself as a HPPD Victim has to stay inside his tiny room and suffer as the walls close in upon him. So you have a choice. My choice, and my advice to you, is to not think of yourself as the worst, the unluckiest, or most miserable person out there--even if that is exactly how you feel. When you start to change your mind, you start to change your experience. And hey, you might not be at the bottom anyways. There are a million different ways we can suffer in this crazy world and HPPD is but just one of them. I've been on these boards for ... damn... is it almost eight years now? Maybe more. And there haven't been that many people who killed themselves or died. The only I can remember is Andy, the UK fellow who was a Buddhist. I'm sure there might have been more but compare that with the teenage girl who got blackmailed until her nude photos got leaked online and she committed suicide. Or the people recently in India who lost their life savings when the 500 and 1,000 rupee notes got canceled over night and their family founds them dead the next day. In fact, I have heard a lot more success stories on this board than deaths. So, please, all I want to say is be gentle with yourself. Everyone is suffering too so don't think you're so damn special for having HPPD. You don't know. Maybe one day you'll be like a lot of others on this board who are back to living again. Maybe not. But I think a lot of that depends on you. I'm sorry for my blabbering but this is what has made a serious, long-term improvement in my quality of life, more than drugs or anything else could. I felt terribly guilty not trying to at least say something that might even just help one person even in the tiniest way. I doubt that it has but still I'm glad I finally got up the confidence to log on today and write whatever came to mind. Feel free to take my advice but also feel free to call it bullshit and chuck it out as you see fit. That's all up to you and it honestly don't make one bit of difference to me what you do. You're the one who has to bear the results. I'll make my choices and bear their results. Anways, I'll be back in some time. Please know that I pray for each and every one of your on the boards daily. I'm not sure if helps relieve your suffering but its the best I can do. -Dukkha
  9. hi all, my hppd visuals have been manageable for years now. however, my DP and anxiety has been increased and it's making it difficult to speak clearly (i think triggered by separating from my girlfriend and the jetlag of flying to the otherside of the world). anyways, now that i'm back in the U.S. i was thinking about trying some of the many available herbal supplements available for a boost of mental clarity and confidence. however, i'm scared that something in them might flare up my hppd again--who knows how our bodies will react to different substances if some random substances caused hppd? that being the case, i was hoping for some recommendations and cautions. basically the only think i'm comfortable taking now are homeopathics! but i was also considering: ashwagandha cordyceps 5htp melatonin seratonin what do you all think? ~dukkha
  10. hey jay! i was going to say that it's good to see you're still around, but then i'm not so sure if that's such a good thing after all haha! anyways i hope you are well Dukkha
  11. Hi all, Just checking back in to the forum and thought I'd make a post. I haven't anything special or mind-blowing to say but I just want to send my love out to you all. Please know that you are not alone, not matter how alone you might feel. We are all in this together, we all suffer this together, we all are connected in different ways. It sounds ridiculous to say but I think something positive will come about from all this. Anyways, stay strong and know that there is nothing to fear. Big love, Dukkha
  12. Greetings all, I'm making a post here after a very long time. At least a year and a half I believe. I wonder if there are any posters stills around from when I used to post... Anyways I consider myself to be a so-called "success story." That is, HPPD is no longer dominating my life. In the fall of 2008 changes in my life triggered depression/anxiety which in turned triggered the come on of HPPD (i believed the seeds had been planted a half year prior by a bad experience on 2c-b. This went on for a while, took some meds, tried my hardest to keep up with university, did some meditation, and life slowly started emerged from the gloom and darkness of the HPPD reality. I lived in central Europe for a year and some months and came back home and HPPD became less and less of something that I thought about everyday. HPPD is a two way street. That is to say that if one is anxious about HPPD, it makes the overall situation worse and, since one's overall situation is the object of the anxiety, the anxiety and HPPD are compounded in a snowball effect-like way. However, the opposite is also true - the less one minds HPPD the less it pushes back. The less it pushes back the less one is impaired by it and so on. This, I believe, was my cure. Therefore the greatest advice I can offer to any member here is to look the deamon of HPPD directly in the face and, with the sincerest knowledge that you will NOT recover and that it might even get worse, tell yourself with a smile this is how it is going to be forever. Be one hundred percent confident that this is true. Smiling one thinks that this is how my life is now that is OK. I will continue on and that's that. I absolutely understand that this sort of approach is akin to standing on the verge of a nightmarish rabbit hole and making a leap of faith in endless darkness and is therefore not in the tiniest way an easy task. However, if one can muster the courage that is needed to give rise to this sort of mindset and continuously maintain it then one will be able to liberate themselves on their own from the hell realm of HPPD. Of course HPPD is not static, it changes day to day, but if one can make this sort of vow, HPPD will naturally dissolve on its own accord. I'm not free from HPPD in the sense that visual snow, floaters, tracers, DP, depression, and so on have completely vanished. They are there. However, these do not dominate my life and mind anymore and are only noticeable when I intentionally focus on them. I have had several ... hmm what to call them ... "flare-ups" in the past years. One of which I found myself thinking I was going back into it for good. However, from these "flare-up" experiences I found that this state of mind described above does provide results. Anyways, I apologize for not checking in with the forum for such a long time. I imagine the majority of you would do the same thing if you felt recovered from HPPD - so I hope you would not blame me, and I certainly would not blame you. (As a side note: it would do many members a great bit of good to get of the forums at length or indefinitely. There is certainly a great amount of support you all share with each other which is the best quality of this forum. However, the HPPD terms and outlook on life as well as the pain of the other members come to dominate one's thoughts and thought patterns and does not but compound one's problems and HPPD.) Just as if one managed to escape from a burning building it would be selfish not to head back to rescue the others, especially if you carry something that can act as a fire extinguisher, I had meant to make this post here for a long time. To be honest I'm ashamed I did not write it earlier and I hope it can be of some benefit to you all, whom I feel a strange but close bond with. Today I'm elated to share my little experience with you all. Death can come to take us at any moment, often sooner than we expect. I'm glad to have made this post before that time. I remember one member who passed away (username Andy) during my time posting here. I wrote a little something almost a year ago in remembrance of him. I didn't actually didn't communicate with him too much but we share similar beliefs (reincarnation, etc.) so I felt close to him in someway. I'm not sure if you'd call it a poem or a eulogy or what. So with the fear of being already overly verbose, I'l conclude with it: I never really knew you, Beyond the flowing white of Your Buddha avatar. We all met on the same plane, Having faced the same unfaceable Problem. The suggestions for solutions were Limitless: Drugs, herbs, therapy - anything alternative. On that gloomy little island you called home. You huddle alone with the answer. Sadly the bottle runs quickly dry. On occasion this bundled fear blossomed into a lotus. As you took position in meditation Perhaps this was were our karmic connection was cast? Sadly this was short lived As was your precious human birth Aspirations of as much greatness I can muster - I send out for swift attainment of the unsurpassed state! -Dukkha
  13. I can relate to the speech thing, where the brain and mouth don't seem to make the connection. I'm not sure how much is HPPD, thuogh I feel some is, and how much is me being ... me. My question for you though is how does your ability to communicate and express yourself change according to environment. D. ... also ...sorry to hear that the new year is not starting off so hot for you .. i wish you all the best for quick improvements
  14. Yes I totally feel you on the caffeine issue. It really doesn't sit well with me but I love loose leaf tea so drink minute amounts. Even though it perks me up, it leaves me feeling drained over the next few days and takes away energy from me over all. But as to your issue ... if Klonopin is making you tired, you could experiment with the lowest dose you can get away with since you said it is necessasry. Also, how is your diet? Getting lots of greens throughout the day and solid protein in the morning is like letting your body run on high octane fuel. Regular exercise routines throughout the week can also give you sustained energy. You're body will start producing more energy than if you lead a sedintary lifestyle. Also there are vitamin combinations, essential oils, tinctures, herbal supplements and all sorts of stuff that can be energizing. So ... I'm essentially advocating the natural path to energy. Dukkha
  15. Has anyone ever had any energy work done? For HPPD or otherwise? D
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