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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

The Former Fiend

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The Former Fiend last won the day on October 10 2013

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About The Former Fiend

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    London, England
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    Existentialist philosophy and the absurdity of being.
    Cosmological physics and the origins of the universe.
    Psychology, neurology and human behaviour.
  1. bpl4269, Puppeteer and lexikovs ... Hi guys, I've always had double vision and strange focusing since my onset and i've never taken any meds for any of my symptoms. Its always most noticeable in the morning or the next day after drinking. hppd24years ... I realsied early on that you must try your hardest to separate (as much as possible) the neurological defects (visuals) and the psychological issues that arise from them (anxiety, flashbacks, thoughts of loosing your mind). It may seem naive of me to suggest such a thing to someone who has been dealing with these issues for such a long time but to be honest the earlier one can do this the better. I understand this is because consciously combining the two factors leads to initiation of psychological trauma (or even just anxiety) simply by associating them with the constant visual (neurological) defects. And by constantly confirming/ self-affirming that the two must go hand in hand will make it more difficult for anyone to recover even a little bit as it is inadvertently creating a self perpetuating loop that must be broken for things to change. Anyone and particularly new sufferers ... I am going to write a detailed topic soon called something like 'the number one piece of advice i can give' or perhaps something less self aggrandising. It will be about separating the psychological from the neurological (something most people seem to severely overlook) and neuro-linguistic programming as well as simple ideas as techniques for doing this. This one idea killed all my anxiety and flash backs and is the only thing I believe will help anyone who tries it (the earlier the better). Our visuals may always be here but our demons can be killed (cheesy soundbite, i know lol). I will write this topic sometime over the next few days.
  2. Fair enough. Best answer I could give because it's a bit of a head scratcher. I have actually heard of people on these forums claiming HPPD having only smoked weed. It's not my place to say wether it's true or not but I have heard it claimed on numerous occasions. Also streaky lights, afterimages and DP/DR sound all too familiar. Denial is also common with early HPPD onset, however you sound down to earth and clear headed so please don't take that as an accusation lol.
  3. Hello mate, I can relate to some of what you have said. I tend to put such things down to a very gradual onset, mixed with a heightened awareness. HPPD onset is very often gradual and mine certainly was. Mine was induced by heavy use of psychedelics - most notably LSD. I have a wide range of symptoms including those you have mentioned. However, 6 months of a symptom plateau is a suspiciously long period of time for a prominent and distinctly new symptom to suddenly become observable - at least in my own knowledge and experience. Perhaps there is some kind of unknown psychological suggestibility within the neurological framework of the disorder. Intuition alone tells me this is quite unlikely but far from impossible and your experience does seem like a little more than coincidence. I know that there are definitely a handful of veteran members and 'sufferers' on this sight whose words would be of more use to you than my own on this kind of topic as they have probably read many more experiences and case studies on HPPD than I have. But to be honest there is so much about HPPD, and both more importantly and holistically the human brain, yet to be discovered as I am sure you are aware. Have you smoked anything since your unfortunate event that may have exacerbated or induced new symptoms?
  4. I read about this in New Scientist a month or two ago in an article framed around depression. The results sound very impressive... but I agree that more research needed before getting too excited.
  5. Hello hppd24years, This is a very old post, Alisa's comment seems to have been written a year and a half ago. All of the symptoms that you said you have not seen mentioned have been mentioned a lot in old posts. You are definitely not alone. Here are a list of most of my symptoms (i say most as i am bound to forget one or two): afterimages trails walls and floors moving and warping intense visual snow light fracture or 'starbursting' double vision shaking / vibrating vision (only when i am tired) eye cell 'floaters' strange changes of both contrast and hue peripheral movement flickers of blue or white patterns on smooth surfaces very subtle but odd changes of depth perception I do not get tinnitus though.
  6. Hello, Congratulations on beating the anxiety, well done. I understand that this was achieved about a month ago and that you have had HPPD for about a year. So after 12 months of true self healing you are at university, you have a job and are on your way to law school. Very impressive. Its not my business what you choose to do but it does seem unwise to start medicating after a years hard work when the chances are that you will have to sacrifice focus for decreased visuals. Why jump on a medication when you are doing so well and having overcome arguably the worst symptom of them all? Just my thoughts...
  7. Hello Vox, I agree with disguyhere (good name). It will get better with time but It often gets much worse before it does. Be prepared for this. I understand that you wrote this a few weeks ago now and I hope you have had a good look at the forum as there is a lot of helpful information on here that is likely to answer many of your questions. It sounds to me as though you are suffering from both HPPD and PTSD (post traumatic stress). I am a sufferer of HPPD and have had to suffered months of PTSD in the past. Are you having any recurring nightmares relating to your trip??? If you are having recurring dreams, as well as 'returning' to your bad trip feeling while awake, I am almost certain you are dealing PTSD as well. The silver lining with this is that as your PTSD fades, which it eventually will, you will loose a lot of the anxiety that comes with it and you will also, with time, stop 'returning' to your bad trip. Unfortunately there is no guarantee that your HPPD will ever go away though. You should attempt to separate the anxiety from the visuals as best you can as this could psychologically drag the traumatic stress symptoms and anxiety on for longer than necessary. Easier said than done though, I do realise. Hopefully you are already feeling a little better as it has been a few weeks since you wrote this?
  8. Used to be the nightly anxiety attacks and very mild DP - both of which I am glad to say I have overcome (Although I only experienced DP on 3 occasions that lasted just a few minutes - which I am very thankful for). I guess now it would be, although very generic and common given my range to choose from, the frequent and lingering after images paired with the intense vibrating visual snow. These are the two main culprits responsible for muddying the waters of my vision and robbing me of placid clarity. Nothing is ever still. I no longer have the ability to see a calm surface or even colour. Both a bright white wall or a pitch black room become a static and often vibrating mess. They are also the two most persistent reminders that I have stained my neurology, in a manner for which there is no known cure. Still coping though. Stay positive people : )
  9. nothingbutbluntz, You made another more detailed topic on this exact subject a few weeks ago in which you said you have had over 50 trips on shrooms and acid. Now you have said you get strange visuals, tracers, perspective changes... and all the other stuff that i have been experiencing for what feels like a very long while now. You may get things like after images as well yes? It is the steady onset of HPPD. Everyone who has spoken to you on both posts have said that what you are experiencing doesn't sound anything like schizophrenia. Its probably because nothing you have described relates to schizophrenia at all. I really don't know what else to say other than you definitely have HPPD sir. I recommended some reading to you that addresses YOUR ENTIRE SITUATION within its 300 pages. Including the hallucinated voices you heard (which you correctly identified as hypnagogic hallucinations in your last post - I get those too). As well as drug related hallucinations and even the difference between benign hallucinations and schizophrenic ones (schizophrenia is mentioned particularly in the last 100 pages or so). For example: Type 'palinopsia' first into google images right now and look at the tracers... see them? you experience these yes? Now type in 'palinopsia schizophrenia' into the regular google webpage search and see how neither of these are common in schizophrenia... 'Very rare phenomenon in psychotic disorders' to quote the first article that came up when i searched it just a second ago. Also type 'polyopia.' If you really still believe it is schizophrenia then you should go to see a doctor/neurologist and let them prescribe you with all manner of fucked up chemicals... or you could just read the book i suggested that has actually been written by a neurologist with a history of drug use and find out for yourself that you are deluding yourself and exacerbating a lot of the anxiety and stress your are certain to be experiencing given that you are obviously suffering from HPPD. If you want to find the book then re-read my last post on your other topic thread: http://hppdonline.com/index.php?/topic/2374-should-i-be-worried-about-schizophrenia/#entry18670 No offence but its only 300 pages so If you can't be bothered to read something that addresses almost everything you have mentioned then you can't be that worried about schizophrenia. Good luck fella
  10. Hahahaha I think you trump me then mate as you are clearly the late Christopher Hitchens resurrected in digital format! I love Hitchens, one of my heros. And yes having looked back at my posts they do seem like a bit of a sails pitch. But to be honest the main reason I encourage people to read this is that so many people on the site are not neurologically literate and let their symptoms make them feel as if they are going insane or even schizophrenic and this unnecessarily adds to the anxiety that our infamous disorder carries. I even read of people on this site saying they fear that they are going mad after experiencing hallucinations that occur with or without HPPD such as hypnagogic and hypnopompic hallucinations and that are really nothing to worry about. I believe it can help people become more comfortable with their symptoms and quieten the anxiety. Also the book is very informative and interesting, as is all of Dr Sacks' work... Available at fine book shops everywhere
  11. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl. Its a first person account written by the neurologist and psychotherapist (Frankl) who spent three long years in an Auschwitz concentration camp. He experienced complete dehumanisation. He was tortured physically and emotionally, he was separated from his family, he was starved. He experienced the worst kind of suffering imaginable and both witnessed and experienced unparalleled cruelty, including cannibalism. He still managed to find a reason to live. He was released after three years and created a form of psychotherapy called logo therapy. He even managed to live a relatively normal and happy life after his release. This is not a solution. This is a book. The book is not even 200 pages long but is rich with all matter of inspiration. Read it and realise that there is purpose in life if you are WILLING TO LOOK FOR IT. .... On a personal note (SORRY IF YOU HAVE HEARD ALL THIS BEFORE, I CHECKED YOUR PAGE & CONTENT AFTER WRITING THIS AND REALISE YOU HAVE BEEN ON THE SITE MUCH LONGER THAN I HAVE AND HAVE SEEN AN ACTUAL DR ABOUT IT... BUT HERE GOES): I don't wish to sound harsh but seeing as you feel the way you have been, try to look at life as a giant computer game rich with purpose (IF YOU ARE WILLING TO LOOK FOR IT). Step by step improve yourself, day by day. Some days you will feel better and others you will crash back into oblivion. You must accept these days just as you must embrace the happy ones. Change who you are... become who you want to be and realise that people have experienced much worse things and have truly come out stronger for it. Stop torturing yourself. I suggest getting into a regimented programme that you create for yourself: - Wake up and go to bed at approriate times - direct sunlight is proven to make people feel better (vitamin D blah blah) - Start exercising intensely 3-5 days a week - natural endorphins and dopamine blah blah blah - Eat healthily: meat, fruit, veg, oats, fish oils etc.. (The paleo diet is the best if you are serious about it) - Start mediating - sounds like a load of omming and arring but it lowers cortisol (dominant stress hormone) - Read interesting non-fiction like the book i recommended (or anything that is relevant to improving the way you currently feel) - Stop self destructive behaviours such as biting your nails, only eating junk and staying up all night/sleeping all day etc.. these sound unimportant but behaviour patterns come in groups - Groom yourself. Not in a vein or narcissistic way. I mean brush teeth twice a day, stay clean, cut hair or comb regularly, only wear clean clothes, trim your toenails, moisturise etc.. you probably do this but take pride in these actions as this will psychologically install self worth over time but you have to stick to it. - Take up or expand on something creative: Art, Graphic design, music producing software, musical instruments, writing etc... Something in which you can document PROGRESSION (this is essential even if it is not 'creative') - Make a list of everything you admired about your life and yourself before HPPD and the ones that you still have and find ways to increase the frequency or intensity of these in everyday circumstances. - SET GOALS both short and long term - the future is what drives us to fill our existential vacuum. --- Do not take medication if you havn't already tried ALL OF THIS --- After you have been doing this for a solid and unfaltering month you should START to feel better. Having taken care of yourself in this manner you will have a foundation on which to progress wether this be relationships, career, family, creativity - it could be ANYTHING and through this you will find meaning and relevance. But you cant help yourself without addressing the basics I listed above (i've probably missed a few out but its a good start). For now, your motivation can simply be: your personal struggle to find purpose and recapture your own relevance This sounds ridiculous and cliched but is what works.
  12. They are called HIPNOGOGIC HALLUCINATIONS (Hypnagogia). Look it up and understand it is nothing to worry about! I get them and used to get them less often before long before HPPD.
  13. Please read 'Hallucinations' by Oliver Sacks... Keep on dancing.

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