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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

Violet

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About Violet

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  1. It was terrible having my mind bleed together lol I realized I was a person of fragments that I could bounce between before and now it's like hard to pull out information of my mind sometimes just because I don't connect the same. Sometime I'll share my experience on here it was weird. but I've had good trips before. It was a bad one that messed me up. I took too many mushrooms by accident and trusted my boyfriends judgement than my own. We were both being dumb really. He was going to eat what I didn't and I didn't want him to trip so hard that we couldnt communicate so I took more than I had orgininally planned because I wanted to have a connection still going and I thought would have been too much for anyone if he had taken all of them. I thought well I cant control him guess I'll just do what will help. He feels horrible about it and blames himself even though I tell him that was my decision and that we didn't think this would happen. Then again I think to myself if I had at least one coherent friend maybe I could have come out of that. You're story sounds pretty much just like mine. I'm can only eat eggs (moderately), some nuts (moderately they make me bloat), kefir (moderately makes me bloat, some seeds, pumpkin seeds, eggs, fish, green apple moderately, and a large amount of greens / leafys. No additives. No grains. No sugar. No milk. Low in almond milk. Coconut milk/ oil to get rid of candida. Candida suppliments. Suppliments to digest food. Even then it's like awful to manage. I can completely understand and I'm sorry to hear that you are going through something similar. I wonder if we'll grow out of it.
  2. Thank you. I'm glad to be here All my doctors have pointed to stress. It's all like I work everyday to manage that stress and to chill out but it never feels like it's doing enough. My gastro wont give me a proper diagnoses. My regular doctor thinks it's all emotional and that I need to be medicated. I had a couple doctors actually just judge the hell out of me and treat me like shit when I was really honest about my experience. I cut them loose though. I just have been on antidepressants before which could help IBS - C but they depersonalize you as well. I'm scheduled to see a psychiatrist to give it a shot, and trying to get a new gastro because I don't know he's a little dismissive? Not a bad doctor...just that with how bad my issues are he sort of gave me the I'll see you in six months card. The mind can get real messy. Its what I think is behind most of this. Trying to treat myself like a friend and not like someone I don't like because of how weird I feel and how sick I feel all of the time. Positive quotes help believe it or not. How bad is your hppd?
  3. It's just so weird my mind at this point. It became like this overly complicated landscape with the associations and functions all messed up. How I relate to myself, how I relate to others. How I feel things, how I percieve things. Indeed acceptance is the key above all medication suppliments. But each day feels like I'm walking on eggshells with my mind and one wrong move Im stuck in the stagnetization that it almost seems to desire. I try to do less controlling of me being able to use my gut/bowels properly but they think that food is an invader and freak out. It's interesting as we actually have two brains our skull brain and our other brain that controls our gut. I know that seritonin, Gaba, Dopamine, Acetylcholine run the gut (and others it's complicated), and that I did Mushrooms and Acid and they agnonize seritonin. Would that mean I need to take away seritonin or add it? Feverfew and white willow are some antagonists (often used for migraines). Then I've also tried 5htp and acetyl-carnitine and felt not bad just weird on them. Rhodiola was one I was considering trying. Recently I've thought that it could be my neurotrainsmitters out of order as my brain works differently and thinking that it works differently chemically doesn't seem out of the question. I'd rather experiment with these first before going pharma. I'm terrified of all of that. Especially hearing about how people got worse visual snow from remeron. I don't have that but once in a blue moon I wake up if I didn't get enough sleep and that's lightly there (goes away in an hour). Either way I'm playing the chemist... Is there anyway for someone to test your neurotrainsmitters, could possibly a neurologist be able to deduce anything? I know that this one guy who has visuals and his thoughts all messy with anxiety found out he had like mini seizures in some part of his brain. Also I've been doing like chakra sort of things just because I knew that it would be a system in which I could utilize to get in touch with myself. Ive done surrendering to feelings, but it seems almost as if there is no coming out of this. The problem that I am having and my doctor is having is that I cannot be on laxatives my whole life because in a colonoscopy we found black and yellow spots for them (not good). Another holistic everything doctor did diagnose me with leaky gut, candida (not systematic but those tests are poohy), allergy to gluten, and I know that I have an allergy to even non gluten items because my body seems to think food is an invader. The one thing I remember in the hospital bed when I was tripping out was that I looked at my stomach and said I think I'm going to die and was convinced I was sick and going to die. Maybe I flipped some fucked up switch when this all happened. It was a cool trip and it just got to powerful and I felt so small compared to it and just freaked out. I really thought I was going to die. That's why there is another option that sounds out of this world. I am pretty functional, no visuals, just have trouble being focused and really feeling one with myself, and connecting to myself. I feel the lose threads of my shitty trip. I think about that trip every single day, every day. It has come to the point where I have realized that it's part of me and I need to accept it with open arms because of how associations work. When I avoid my experience and something that my brain will not stop thinking about I'm really just avoiding the pieces of me I associate with it soo. I decided to take what I learned from it and try to see the good things I learned every day so it doesn't go into a backwords spiral. There is a technique that I use. I imagine that I am tripping again and I imagine scenerios of how I would deal with things if I were in that state and it often gives me answers to how I should deal with everyday things. The part of me I feel is missing is the trip. The mushroom is part of me now. I wondered to myself though what if I were to rebalance this bad trip with a good one. I was messed up for so long and now like pretty functional except I'm convinced my sickness is all due to what was created in the bad trip. I don't want to lose my mind which I did. The imagination technique helps and I think it be better that I keep trying to restructuralize myself. It's just hard because of being ill I have to constantly focus on what my body needs. What suppliments to take to break down my food, what am I going to have to wear because fuck it looks like I'm preggo today and I didn't even eat one of the bad foods and If I were to stop eating what I currently eat there really wouldn't be much more to eat. What I'm trying to say is mushrooms sort of show you that you're not the only one you're an experience and you're life is the experience of life. Life is living through you so you can live through it and it's hard when I cannot seem to apply that when I'm so low of energy from the sluggish colon/bacteria/illess that seems to perpetuate my personal issues. Let's just say I'm depersonalized and often have derealization. I'm just going through my options and I don't really know what to do. If I cant get myself to properly dispell of waste I am prone to develope cancers and lymphoma. My mind is always fighting against my stomach working. It's like I have to shut of everyother part of my mind to do so in the slightest and it's so uncomfortable. It makes me feel like I am less than whole. I'm trying not to judge my experiences and simply let them be it just feels like crazy there is so much to do. Such as citric acid is derived from yeast I cannot have yeast, but it's pretty much in every sublingual V B drop and that reaally helps. Is there something other than Mushrooms or fungus or designer drugs that would help bring me back to a state that I could tie up these loose connections? I hope this doesn't seem like ranting it's just so hard to get out.
  4. Also I don't smoke pot anymore it makes me feel weird, I tried addeall once and I felt like I was better aside of gut and bowel. but I wont take adderall it just overworks your brain and makes you feel worn out. I've seen in cause depression in close friends.
  5. I'm aware that none or most of you are medical professionals, but unfortunately like many of you medical professionals have failed to help me. I have seen that many of you also have personal experience for what works what doesn't work. I suppose almost using yourselfs as guinea pigs. I guess I'm okay with that. Considering I was okay with taking Psychedelics suppliments helping my current state with suppliments doesn't seem like such a bad idea. Medicine History: (PRE HPPD I did this crap) I took ritalin for a short time as a child. At sixteen years old I ODed about three times on effexor. Completely horrible experience. Mental state was suggestible I hallucinated for a little. I ODed on my own personal coctail (migrain pills, antidepressants, ect), I did once more on acetaminophen at 19. I have tried zoloft in high school and out (hated it), Lexapro (didn't give it enough chance so I don't know), Effexor (too heavy hate it), Clonopin (Gave me rare side effect of extreme bruising), Ativan (I still have it take as needed though gives me short term memory). Before I started psychedelics I was on wellbutrin with the most success out of any of these long time off and back on again. It helped with my fluctuations but made me feel cold and void as a person. If you want to know why this all happened I did it, I had a bad environment, abuse, neglect, bipolar, borderline tendencies, rape, abuse. When I started living on my own I felt so much better without realizing that my coping skills were still the same. I knew I would evolve as a person naturally, but I never really understood when my highs were taking me too far in heights. I started smoking pot all the time with my roomie who introed me to drugs. I felt really good for the first time. I did mushroom three times with awesome trips. The first being the best trip, the second two good but not as good as the first. I had a good acid trip. I lost all the weight I wanted to lose. I had a lot of friends who found me interesting, quirky, cute ect. I was on the high of life and everything was awesome never feeling this good so I started to experiment. I had one bad acid trip that did have after effects, but none that I noticed at the time. The wortst was a really bad mushroom trip that sent me to the ER making me think I was dying. What a wonderful Valentines day (last year). I got psychosis for a month and a half. I was really truely lost. My friends all left me thought now that my weirdness was no longer (cute but I was being weird as I really didn't understand social mechanisms really anymore). I was suggestable, and my mind frame was what effecting me. My mental fluctuations were like a box I was confined in this tight box and I had panic attacks all the time. I don't have them anymore though. My thinking was airy and for awhile I couldn't control my thoughts it felt like I was falling into a hole in my mind and nothing could stop it but occasionally falling on little edges and cliffs. I couldn't concentrate couldn't compute thoughts the way I normally did. I was without a paddle in a deep scary ocean that was my mind. I had deep ego loss, and figuring out how much control to give my ego as it does serve to protect us was hard. I had to rebuild it from mindfulness being in the present and learning from my woes of the past. For the record I am 22 now. Live in my own apartment. Work. and have a successful relationship without blame to to the person who brought me into these drugs. We had different learning experiences to cope from, but those were our own battles. Life has been rough for us but we stayed together through the roughness finding beauty in the way that it is. The reason why I think I'm not getting over my hppd is that. After my terrible trip and losing all associations to who I was or thought I was or even being functional as a person is that I widened my mind body connection with this painful experience. I literally cannot poop. I can't move my bowels. It's honestly terrible. This started a few weeks after my experiences. Starting with food allergies, then to extreme bloating, constipation, constant urination. Due to my suggestable nature and thought of death that truely peaked me in my trip. I was assured that I had cancer, that I had some sort of strange movie like premonition and the fear ate me up. I've had colonscopies only finding damage from my constant use of laxatives. This has been going on since febuary. I constantly feel tired, fatigued, bloated, constipated, all the time which effects me emotionally which ends up effecting the loose strings of the hppd that I try to tie up everyday. I more so have the depersonalization, derealization than I do any visuals (I get them occasionally but I don't feel bothered such like tiny splashes of colors). At the moment I cant eat bread, beans, milk, any sugar, any additives, and everything has to be in balance or else it's just too binding for me. I have candida, leaky gut (intestinal permeability that leads to the allergies or really food intolerances), and I can't really poop. I think the inability to poop is the cause for the allergies and bacterial overgrowth. I eat organic veggies in different ways smoothies, soup, steamed, I am doing bone broth. I eat fish chicken, pumpkin seeds, green bitter granny smith apples. If I eat one thing that is none in balance or intolerance my stomach grows to a huge amount and stays like that for the rest of the day. I am fairly thin weighing about 127 lbs and being 5'6 female. It's disheartening looking pregnant when you are not and not knowing how to deal with that if another were to give that sort of attention.I have been reading about how many of the neurotrainsmitters effect our guts and how our gut is like our second brain. Seritonin, GABA and some others play a role in this. I deduced pehaps the suppliment that would help my gut working is the one that will help me move on with my thought disorders after my encounters with psychedelics. I believe that the trainsmittors can be healed with time. What I'm looking for is heal my trainsmittors and brain, general mood balance, brain health, and possibly tackling this gut issue.I tried a few suppliments. Melatonin helps me sleep. Sometimes I take magnesium. St Johns was good at first. Ginko is good occasionally. I'm scared to go back on perscriptions. I know what thats all about. I don't want it to ruin my trainsmittors anymore than they already are. I don't want the split to widen even more... Everyday I take a candida management suppliment, vitamin without iron, garlic, NAC just started , Vitamin B drops I just started and not going to do everyday, and I have a lot of enzymes, suppliments that help me break down my food. I drink aloe water when I can afford it. I'm not very well off with money and thought about social security but the thought of tackling down this issue is unbarable. My doctors all know and they think this is all emotional based. I go to therapy. I just feel lost like I don't know what to do. I just finished a book called the how of happiness which has really great long term happiness based techniques, great advice. Exercise is hard when I feel honestly horrible most of the time. I've been getting better at socializing but I'm not where I was a year ago and honestly it will take time. Part of me has thought that if I tripped again and had a good trip maybe I could go back and fix the bad connections. With my current health and fresh state I thought against this. I at least said let's deal with the current issues without that fist and I haven't thought of that since. I don't hate the shroom it was a big learning experience and all I could do was take the positive out of something that was probably the worst episode of my life. I sort of relapse day to day. Sometimes I feel really good and confident in my character and get a lot of things done other days I get destracted and my mind fights against the idea of change wanting to stay still doing nothing and in the end being nothing. I get lost in there a lot. Sometimes no one knows I'm so on it and other days they can tell I'm real off. I'm trying to find reasons to be inspired to keep up with this and that's why I'm here. Many people left my life, I guess I understand since I'm just not the same. But with a community that really understands I was afraid to go into that at first but I guess laying the truth out that this is really my life right now and having other people accept that I guess that would be amazing. Self acceptance can be a hard one but worth it. I just...don't want to live like this forever you know? I want to be able to use the bathroom and get my health back more than anything. I work about 25 hrs a week due to feeling so ill all the time which I know is both the body and mind infuenced. It was just the craziest draw back to get sick and both ways than just one.
  6. New Member. Workin on my Bio.

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