Spartan

Many thanks Jay Agreed Will do

My GP jiust dumped me because I was trying to explain the condition what I'm experiencing in like 30 seconds She was like , I don't want to hear it.. You don't want to hear 30 seconds of something despite living with something constantly for over 30 years ? It's dad because I really like my GP, I felt a bit agitated at the time, likely this is an effect of the medication. Though Likley it maybe too complex for her / freaks her out ? At the end of the day at conflict is just a difference between people's rules and beliefs etc Not to be taken personally. I generally do my best to live by the words "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind".

Absolutely 100% Jay Thankyou They are dropping me to 5 mills daily until I can see a specialist in June.. Tho even that is tough. I've done a drop of 0.5 and was delirium. Anyhow will most likely have to tough it out. The health care system is bollocks Especially for an orphan condition like this the no one understands. IIt's extremely hard work to try and get help and seriously man this condition is torturous at times. Don't mean to ramble on... Thanks again

Have been using clozapine for the past year up to 6 mils per day now. Prescribing doctor says she wants me to see a specialist psychiatrist before she can keep dispensing. I only have 3 days worth of medication left. I'm at the hospital now because I cannot see a psychiatrist because generally takes 6 months to book in so I'm trying to see one here now to get help. Feels like they have a very uncaring Vibe and understand nothing about the condition. I came in this evening because if I wait until 3 days time there's a possibility that I could hit a seizure or even die due to stopping the medication abruptly. This world is so f***** up and mentally retarded I don't know if I want to be here anymore. Period They're the ones that need to be in a ward not me. F*** this s*** they are seriously playing with fire

Ok thanks for sharing I'm very sensitive too. Yes for a Day or 3 . It completely spun me. I could not walk properly due to massive DP and throwing up. Exacerbated all symptoms hugely. Take care.

over the years I've used fitness / body building as a way to manage my hppd seeing as that is something i can control (my body and eating) and hppd is something I cannot control. yesterday i tried ammonium smelling salts for the fist time to take things to a higher level, would have to say it really F***ked things bad for me with much exacerbated visuals and severe DP. just wondering if anyone may have any knowledge of this. Its something I won't be doing again. Thankyou.

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I've been under alot of stress and really loosing my shi*. Like how is a person supposed to deal with vivid chronic, intense, constant open n closed eye hallucinations constantly. Like there is no "off button" wtf ... Like after 30 years being strong as all fuc* this is where suicidal ideation comes in just for some fuckin* relief. Like no shi* it's some fuckin* cruel, brutal and torturous shi* that most people could never comprehend in their widest. Only reason why in still here physically is because I love my parents too much and could not inflict the pain on them. Fuc* this hppd bullsii* why isn't more being done ? Just venting... Thankyou. Like each evening I'm engulfed in bizarre psychedelic realms.. I have to sleep with a light on. I mean how is it possible. I was hospitalised twice last year and I keep on getting advice to present at emergency care. Acute care team are ignorant as F and don't know anything about the condition. No one knows anything about the condition. Just talked to your psychologist every second week about self-care techniques and discuss symptomology yeah right what does that do absolutely nothing. Yeah and take this pill as a bandaid only, might take the edge off but then suffer the side effects as well as ongoing physical dependence. It's tough times tho will get thou it. Will keep fighting. I'm usually optimistic and positive thank you for listening to my is slightly bitchy and coming from a place of sheer frustration post that is partially a call for help. Thank you all these cool and supportive hppders out there. I know we have been in this battle a freaking long time, ever since the storm loaded days... Who would have thought, decades later here we are...... F

100% agreed thankyou

Thank you Jay that is super cool and awesome agreed 100%.. I really love the poem that you shared with us! This is one that has also resonated with me with hppd at times... and seeing as I have many traditional scars on my body as I underwent full body tribal initiation at the age of 17. Many thanks again To dream the impossible dream To fight the unbeatable foe To bear with unbearable sorrow To run where the brave dare not go To right, the un-rightable wrong To love pure and chaste from afar To try when your arms are too weary To reach the unreachable star This is my quest, to follow that star No matter how hopeless, no matter how far To fight for the right without question or pause To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause And I know if I'll only be true to this glorious quest That my heart will lie peaceful and calm When I'm laid to rest And the world will be better for this That one man, strong and covered with scars Still strove with his last ounce of courage To fight the unbeatable foe To reach the unreachable star

I will get through this make a strong come back . Keep fighting. I am a warrior. Thanks again

It's all good I won't do it ( I am safe ) cannot do because I love my family too much etc... tho have to say this is something I have seen experiencing quite strongly at times.

Like 30 + years is a really long time...

Tho generally at the end of the day when I'm feeling suicidal or possibly having these types of thoughts it's generally with the intent to escape symptomologies that have been greatly exacerbated... That don't switch off.. that are generally too much for any human being to endure, in my opinion/ perspective.

Many thanks Jay you are awesome and I can totally relate what you're saying.. At present this is the very darkest moment of my entire life beyond anything I've experienced and been extremely traumatic and stressful. Due to this high levels of stress and trauma has made my condition a lot worse ( I'm already super high spectrum hppd) and have upped my dose of K pin anywhere between 3.5 mils 5.5 mils per evening. I suspect that this may be inducing some suicidal ideation and was nearly hospitalised again the other evening. The reason this time has been extremely traumatic and stressful is because there has been a situation involving the legal system / Court, may have to attend... Though I can honestly say with the truth of my all my heart and soul that I have not done anything unlawful. Though it hurts massively because it involves my career and everything I've done over the past 30 years to help me manage my condition majority of the time naturally. Thankyou for your ongoing support.

Journey to the depths of hell

hppders have to be some of the strongest Mofos period.

This would be great to create and much needed. Thaughts on setting one up ? Thankyou.

Any ideas, hypothesis? Thabkyou.

Thanks will do Was only taking for 5 days of hell

That's how I'm feeling past 4 days current on the phone to suicide call back service Massive visual exacerbation, insane dp, insomnia, dp... Suicidal ideation Likley will have to stop taking. Thankyou

Mixing Klonopin and ssris..insomnia.. massive visual increase and insane dp dr nausea