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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

ramblingon

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About ramblingon

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  • Birthday 11/01/1982

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  1. Thanks for the replies everyone, it really means a lot to me. Jay1, that is actually encouraging. Thank you. I do have some money saved up, I'm seriously considering traveling, actually. I could manage to get away for a week or so, might do me some good. Also, yes I believe I have tried lamictal in the past, before I acquired HPPD. Might look into that again. Thanks for the offer of letting me PM you too, might take you up on that at some point. Gmo, I have all the visual symptoms, and DP/DR. I'm sure there are worse cases of HPPD out there, but I believe mine to be fairly severe. Thanks for the words, I appreciate it. I know suicide is a touchy subject. I'll just say It's not HPPD alone that makes me feel this way. But I'm not at that point yet. Thanks again guys. And I'm sorry for clustering up the forum with a thread I basically just complained in - I really wish I were in a condition to give something back to this community. I can't get this performance out of my head the past couple months: (NSFW - Language)
  2. This post may be depressing, and I apologize if it is. Haven't logged in in quite a while, just trying not to think about hppd too much. In a month I will have had hppd for 2 full years. I've learned to live with it a little since then, but not the life I want. It's hard to keep going everyday. I've tried medications, but no real improvement from them. I was depressed for years before I even got hppd, and this was the icing on the cake. I've almost given up and having a decent life. I really don't see this improving. I didn't want to go the benzo route, but I might have too try. I know assisted suicide can be a touchy subject, but honestly, i've been suffering for years. I tried to talk to people close to me about it, but they wouldn't hear it. I can't bring that up to my parents again, but I'm in constant suffering. I couldn't possibly kill myself while my parents are still alive, they shouldn't have to go through that, but I feel like a great burden to them. As soon as the last one of my parents keels over, I'm done. Now I feel like I'm just waiting out my miserable time I have left. Maybe I'll find a cure in the years before it comes to that. Keep looking on the bright side, everyone. I hope everything works out for you all. I wouldn't say I've given up completely yet, but I'm certainly at a new rock bottom in my life, and I can't even go have a goddamn beer to help pass the time, because of my HPPD. I don't know any of you, but my heart goes out to everyone with HPPD. Or any life crippling mental illness. And believe me, I've been diagnosed with more "mental illnesses" than I can count, and been put on so many medications in the last 15 years or so, that I think I can say I know what it's like.
  3. Hmm, well. I've tried keppra. It seemed to help at first. I liked it for a while, then the side effects started to bother me too much and I stopped. Side effects were extreme, extreme, fatigue (I was on it for 3 to 4 months, never improved, though my doc was increasing the dosage the whole time) and low libido. Then I've gone the supplement route. I currently take NAC, L-tyrosine, and Valarian root on occasion. L-tyrosine seems to help, NAC I'm not sure, but certainly nothing negative from it. Valarian root in nice, calming and helps in the anxiety department a bit, i'd say. I started taking this all at different times so I could note the effects/changes with each one. That's about it. I think DP/DR is my main problem now-a-days. Anyway, those are what i've tried.
  4. EDIT: Spelling error in title; your* HPPD, to me, is fairly unpredictable. I experience boughts of DP/DR every single day, during which I can't think. I've never felt more stupid than during those times. I fear being around people during those times, because of how out of it I must seem. Cognitively I'm just not there. I can't hold a conversation. I can't concentrate on anything, or think quickly if at all. I'm just there, kind of dazing or tripping out. I have no idea what triggers these things. Possibly anxiety, but to me it just seems random and unpredictable. Everyday. I really cherish my moments of clarity, however brief. I find myself going out less because I don't know how i'll be an hour from now. I start school soon and I feel like HPPD is getting worse yet again. It's been over a year for me, and I still feel so...for lack of a better word, stupid. All the time. I just can't think and concentrate. I've done okay for periods of time but it always comes back harder. How do you plan you life around something so unpredictable? Am I just setting myself up for failure thinking this way? In my head, I don't think so. There is something wrong with my brain chemically that I can't control. Is that true? Can this be mastered, and can I live a full life? I don't feel like myself. I think I lost that person a long time ago. I don't feel the love I used to have for family and friends, and I wish I did more than anything. I wish I could wake up, see a familiar face and instantly know how much that person means to me. Seems like I remember big things, but not details now. Such as...."This guy. He's been one of my best buds since high school. Cool." But I don't feel connected anymore. Sorry for the rant, think HPPD and DP/DR are hitting me hard today and I'm felling down about it. I was doing pretty well for a while and might have got too optimistic.
  5. Ludwig very inspiring to hear! Congratulations. You too Boogres. I've been living with HPPD for a year and some months now, and have been unemployed and out of school most of that time. A year ago going back to school was not an option at all to me, but wouldn't you know it, i'm all signed up and paid for to start back into college with a couple classes starting next month. I'm stoked. Side note: Damn school is expensive.
  6. Thanks a lot Visual. Very helpful and I appreciate the response. I will say my interest in the brain/neurology has increased ten fold since the onset of HPPD, and the more I learn the better. I've got plenty of reading to do now. Thank you once again, your post throughout this whole board have been most informative to me!
  7. Cigarettes are strange for me. I recently tried to quit and failed after a couple weeks. I will say, for the most part, that I don't notice a difference in my HPPD smoking cigarettes. Although i've been smoking since before I acquired it. Strange note: Sometimes, usually when I have not had a stoge in a while, smoking a cigarette gets me really high for 5 minutes or so. I hate it, actually. Say I didn't smoke the night before, then the next morning that first cig will make me noticeably high. Like you're first time ever smoking you got that head rush? Like that, but more intense, only started happening after having HPPD for a while - defiantly not normal. Some people seem to do okay with nicotine and caffeine, others don't. You could always make you're best shot at quitting and see if it helps. Quitting is often for the best anyway. Wish I could be more helpful. Perhaps someone here has some real insight and not personal experience/speculation, though.
  8. Hi fella's. I just came across an article about theanine, and was wondering if anybody had looked into it or tried it? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theanine I guess it increases dopamine to the brain, which seems like it would be good (for me, anyway) and possibly decreases serotonin, at least that's been suggested. But I don't really know enough about this stuff, and was hoping some of the more knowledgeable people here would have some ideas about it? Pardon any dumb questions but.... " its primary effect seems to increase the overall level of the brain inhibitory transmitter GABA" Could someone explain what GABA is in lamens terms? I was thinking of getting this as a supplement and trying it. EDIT: BTW, I was posting as ramblingon, just changed my name if anyone cares/was curious. I think Lt. Broccoli is a rather fitting star trek reference for me
  9. I too have had OCDish thoughts from a young age about certain things. I was also diagnosed Bipolar before HPPD, but I really believe that to be a miss-diagnoses. It was a wasted youth followed by a bought of depression that was read far too much into by a doctor. I only mention this because I have mentioned the bipolar elsewhere on the board - just eradicating any possible confusion.
  10. I've always wondered about this. Mornings are the worst for me. Around 5 PM I usually get better. Not sure why. I think it may have to do with "mental control" as said earlier here. Being unemployed due to this and depressed, I dwell on such things all day, depression, HPPD, life in general, my lack of momories/bad memory are all I think about. Just waiting for 5 PM when I usually feel fine ( I use the term "fine" loosely) and the DP/DR sort of fades. But there have been times where I just say fuck it i'm going to try and enjoy my life, and have, mid day, felt great and not thought about HPPD. Though I find it exhausting. I've also thought perhaps the darkness around 5PM helps. Sure some visuals are worse at night (trails and light related ones, after images/starburst) but I don't notice the massive amounts of floaters in my eyes as much. Those really bother me for some reason. I can't not focus on them.
  11. And if that doesn't work, I will gladly make a financial donation to the cause. I feel like a owe a lot to this site and everyone here, such a great wealth of information. Much loves.
  12. Keppra has helped me quite a bit. It's made DP/DR better, but i still get it from time to time. It also helped cognitively, critical thinking, and my memory. Visuals it really has not done a lot for, but I can live with that. There are side effects that got to me these first couple months, though. The worst being depression, which I've struggled with even before acquiring HPPD - so if your not prone to that already you may be better off there. Also, it has been effecting my libido. Yep. taking 1500mg/day.
  13. I actually think about it all the time, and am considering sinemet. I got started on keppra right before/right as all of the hype and people having positive experiences started around this board. I will say i've seen some improvement with keppra though, but I still have DP/DR pretty bad at times, and visuals. But yeah, I actually am seeing my doc next week and plan on bringing up senimet and hopefully I can give it try. I've very excited about it. So far the only bad things i've heard is it's hard on the liver. The possibility of feeling normal, being able to live my life and work and do things and enjoy things someday is amazing to think about. That thought is one of the few things that keeps me going sometimes. for me...it's mostly that i got HPPD from drugs, and i'm very apprehensive/nervous about putting any type of pill/med in my mouth now-a-days. i was sort of waiting on people to report experiences and doing some research on it before i made the decision. even taking my first pill of keppra was hard for me to actually do.
  14. thanks guy, appreciate it. four days in and I'm doing okay. I wish I could tell you I haven't smoked a single cigarette, but i've smoked two per day the last two days, none before that. Going from 2 packs a day to 2 cigs a day i'm happy with for now. All I can say is i'm going to give this my best shot and hopefully quit all together soon.
  15. Only speaking for myself here, but weed would set off DP hardcore for me. I got HPPD from some acid I took, then smoking the day after I had a similar experience as you. Pot set of the DP/DR super hard for me, and it's been a bit of a hard transition seeing as all my friends smoke regularly, I quit smoking soon after. Weed only made things way worse for me after that. It actually took a few months of living in a sort of hell before I realized I had HPPD, but looking back now there were warning signs. But yeah, weed really effected the DP/DR for me. Might have been MDMA or LSD that set you off, but no drugs of that nature, including pot, are doing you any favors at this point imo. If I were you I would take this as a warning sign. It was for me. Best of luck, man. Glad your feeling okay.
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