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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

mgrade

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mgrade last won the day on August 8 2017

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  1. mgrade

    The Long and Winding Road

    I'm about to have another psychotic break. I can't handle this shit anymore.
  2. Hmm. So apparently it has the half life of a vitamin and has only 1% bioavailability. But I guess knowing all that it appears at least safe, I guess. Some say it can reset circadian rhythms. Others say it's kind of a garbage drug (maybe along the lines of buspirone). Tell us what you think of it. I think they said it was aromatic with some lighter fluid thrown on it. Loll
  3. mgrade

    Have some questions for you guys (sorry long)

    This has been something I have always heard about and actually experienced. A good friend of mine told me when I was young that if you took mushrooms and fell asleep (or suppose passed out) that "it would really fk you up". Those were his words. He meant it and he had seen cases of this. I had experienced this later accidentally (luckily on a low dose). But that is sort of an issue unto itself that sort of sub-clinical doses of psilocybin/mushrooms have a strange effect that sort of can put you in a longer term purgatory of sorts. This is less of the case with LSD. What they call microdosing LSD has merit. Anyway, back to what I am saying, this was always the advice I was given: never go to sleep on shrooms or before onset. The only way I can describe it is in abstract and perhaps semi-scientific terms. Certain people have very vivid dreams, other people couldn't remember a single dream if they tried. But regardless, when sleeping, a person enters into a realm completely subconscious. So an analogy I would make would be if you take shrooms and you are conscious, you know you have potential the psychedelic "scuba gear" to go into the depths of your subconscious and perhaps get yourself in a Houdini act and then try to get yourself out while learning something. But if you wake up hours after taking the drug you are like if you woke up 100ft in water with O2 running out and chained to a block of concrete. If you aren't expecting that, the existential implications are intense.
  4. Ketomine is a dissociative drug. Pcp is a nmda antagonist as well. I think what is going on in terms of me is this: you start with a fairly sensitive nervous system, you take an "over-quota" for your particular lifetime of certain chemicals, or one or two significant "ODs", ultimately (for me) the pleasure centers of the nervous system are altered, in other words this: the feeling of euphoria, wellbeing, elation, calm-happiness, anxiety-free ability to focus, the soothing assured opposite feelings to anxiety and panic and depression: all these things are absent from the psychedelic and dissociative and high-level cathionone/subcath/amphetamine/amphetamine-related drug experience: in other words, maybe at one point you smoked weed or drank or did K or LSD (and while things were "weird" and different a bit and consciousness was altered to an extent) there was an underlying feeling of tranquility or euphoria or "happiness" that ultimately made the experience enjoyable. But after youve blown your load (or brain) or whatever, these particular drugs leave you only with the anxiety, unsettling aspects to them when these drugs are taken. As far as just the sensory (vision) part goes, it is important of course to explore that and discover the exact neurological reasoning of such a phenomenon. But to look at what i am discussing earlier, it is a multi-line issue: dopamine, glutamate, serotonin, etc. And the "semi-organic" issues should not be ruled out, as well. Don't get me wrong though, the strictly visual issues of HPPD are important. Because people who have had issues with any of all the senses have been know to lose there mind in some cases and turn into psychosis. Such is the cases sometimes with people whose eyes are failing, or hearing failing, etc. So as far as the "anhedonic" part of all this goes, you ask yourself why does it feel good to take a klonopin or a ritalin or a lexapro or a wellbutrin. Well these are the systems that may be damaged. An analogy would be if you thirst and there is a spring in site, you go to the source and drink as one experiencial movement. The dry meets the wet. The receptor meets the ligand. But if you look at the drugs that i just mentioned a lot of the action/mechanism is somewhat indirect, in that they are "helpers" in double-ligand receptors or reuptake agents. So it seems two things are issues: 1. Low neurochem concentrations 2. Large number of receptors (The latter would explain our original sensitivity, perhaps for some cases/people). A third one could be right concentrations but in the wrong places of the brain. And a fourth is right number of receptors except in certain parts of the brain. The example of this fourth one is the idea that some people have excess dopemine and/or nmda receptors in the frontal and prefrontal cortices. So this brings me to the opioid receptors that have fairly direct ligands and cascade into dopamine. I always felt opiates used very sparingly are good in the treatment of anhedonia. This can sort of apply with the nicotinic system too. So think if i gave you 2mg of ritalin, .5mg ativan, an 1/16 vicodin, 5mg of Lexapro, a 1/16 of a propranolol, 1mg of klonopin, an aspirin, 2 ibuprofen, half a diet coca cola, a brownie, a cheeseburger, and a cigarette. You'd probably feel somewhat normal. And here you can realize how it is a very multisystem issue.
  5. mgrade

    The Long and Winding Road

    No, Jay. I was put in a situation where my meds needed upward adjustment. My meds have not changed in 5 years with the exception of klonopin from 3 to 2 to 3 to 2. This is a verrrry complicated, bizarre situation here. With my father a doctor for 50 years, DAs, pdoc, pharmacies, state health, ritual abuse etc. Ive been on these meds for about 20-25 years. __________________ Im not getting off the meds in the slightest. I actually need to up the meds.
  6. mgrade

    The Long and Winding Road

    My days are pretty numbered. There are several places in Europe where I can have a psychiatric euthanasia. The symptoms are intense both physical and psychiatric. Despite all of what i can do, I am going through nonstop brain zaps from not being on enough SSRIs, my back wont go out of spasm, i cant concentrate, my memory capacity is extremely poor, i cant remember numbers past 3 digits for longer that 20 seconds. I have little to no contact with my family. They want nothing to do with me. Im surrounded suddenly by an evil evil community. One i would avoid like the plague prior to me coming here. The back pain and years of psychosis and hallucinations have done me in.
  7. mgrade

    The Long and Winding Road

    Yeah well the Phoenix program is the order that is limiting free will, causing pain and cognitive defects. EMF weaponry on US citizens damaging thalamus, hypothalamus, hippocampi, and pigmented nuclei and a means to engage in population control in "emergences", a eugenics ideal with family in mind and to "save money, to save the planet", irrespective of the trillions spent on defence and exUS funded terror groups. This still goes on, ie Syria. I would do virtually anything in my power to help you especially if I had a panacea. You and I both know the endless research we have done to not only help ourselves and each other but to help everybody in this community; spaced as we can be ultimately we are a tight community, who has a deep level of compassion and basically ...love. This is a grueling condition, one which we seem to know a lot about and first hand to boot. I have discovered I in fact am a targeted individual. Someone who is stalked by community groups such as Chamber of Commerce to Local Emergency Units. I have been working as a journalist for a local paper and in fact covered a story involving local public work's connection to the DHS, in most cases via Fusion centers. When I say DHS, i dont mean foremen and flagmen for the most part; we are talking about Engineers, Accountants, ('Infrastructure Managers') and ultimately the direct coordination with business vs. Radical political agendas that may pose a threat to that (one example of this coordination is Infragard. But on the local level we talk about local fire, enforcement, etc. Community Posses, CATs, Leadership groups, and ultimately a wholly arbitrary and capricious violation of personal data, extreme damage done to members of US citizenry often irreversible and executing fascist agendas of non lethel to lethel population control and eugenics and organized crime, suppression of thought and action through political means in its mildest and Electromagnetic no touch weapons at the more advanced, banning of books, censorship, lives destroyed by COINTELPRO, and the outlandish truth of US military bases and US "lily pad" bases, that make it impossible to avoid. The reality is there are probably high thousands numbers of these places: bases including lilypads and historical naval posts). All they know is rank and order. But now they pick and choose kids from MIT etc. to support their cause.
  8. mgrade

    The Long and Winding Road

    Im at like having DP from 9-21. Having DR from 26-33. I am starting to get it again. And they refuse to medicate me properly because the pdocs dont understand i have 25 years being on these psychotropic drugs; my first hand experience with these drugs is profound. They wont listen. Ive been studying psychpharm for near 10 years. The docs are tied into Social Security and Social Services, the state capital, snd insurance. Ive had HPPD since 2007. Ive had ADD since '94. Depression clinical since '98. Generalized anxiety and panic disorder since 1999. And now Im being gangstalked. Because i hold radical views and i am educated and am deemed a threat. The Citizen Corps, and Infragard, FBI, DHS fusions, TSA and CATs, ex military security, all the way down to volunteer fire companies, are laying waste to me. Mainly in the form, Im guessing, 2hz-6hz or 300mhz-300ghz. Straight Directed Energy Electromagnetic Weaponry with the veil of No-Touch population control emergency management, gaslighting in accordance with multilayered neo-Phoenix program. They probably have me on the Thompson Reuter World-Check list.
  9. mgrade

    The Long and Winding Road

    I suppose you could say that. It all is about Humanistic Psychology (and Humanistic Psychology at its best!). Maslow's Pyramid. Once you are fed etc. and basic physical needs are met, rise up in sacred. But notice the top of the pyramid does not include ripping people off, greed, sanctimony, extortion, throwing around socio-political power-weight, slumlords, etc. As far as contemplating Raijin, choose from Socrates or Harry S. Truman.
  10. mgrade

    The Long and Winding Road

    Humans can "manage" technology at the moment. But only time will tell. If I told you in 1970 that Nixon would try to rig the election in the future, or in the 1980s that in the future Donald Trump would in fact be president, you would say I am irrational and that I would certainly have a pessimistic view of the future. Orwell, Bradbury, Huxley, Asimov, A.C. Clark, Verne, etc. are not too far off. The competitive or capitalist view of society is sort of like conservation of energy. For the socio-capitalists can't find spirituality, they need to take it from someone else. They at some point realize it is far more valuable than social power or influence. But that sort of sacred energy does not just suddenly appear in the psychopath or the businessman. They need to sort of "destroy" it in someone else to obtain it. But at the end of the day the spiritually strong will only spread light and the businessman shall remain exposed, and devoid of light.
  11. Oliver Sacks said hallucinations are just part of the human experience. But it disturbs me when I think of a man like John Nash who was a genius completely halted in his tracks. Though, I can't imagine reading a Somerset Maugham book while listening to Leonard Cohen. I talked on the phone for decent amount of time (a few years ago) with Dr. A. He said people who suffer from HPPD are a sort of an odd group of people. I'm still not exactly sure what he meant. Nevertheless, this world is changing at a rapid pace. There is a great disparity between the rate of technological growth and the rate of human growth. The very thing that is profound about the psychedelic experience is that time stands still for a moment. You can sit on a bench and watch businessmen hurry off late for a meeting. And you wonder what is so important? The world is not going to be solved; and taking a jackhammer to Lao Tzu's "What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly" is a giant waste of time. People who are negatively affected neurologically by a chemical not only reach an Ego-Death but often a Spiritual- or Sacred-Death. Most people just think or scheme about things business related or moving up the ladder in socio-political manners. But most people dont ponder or contemplate or reflect or dream, in what I find a normal way of being. Sure, some of these yuppies or failed-idealism baby boomers might go to a yoga class or try meditation, etc. But they dont get it. You cant reach deep spiritual planes if you are slimy. Slimy is not what youve done, but the "way" you think. Here you can see a direct syllogistic correlating chronology between Carl Rogers, Abraham Maslow and James Fadiman, Slanislav Grof and Leary. Socially you can see it from Socrates, Nietzsche, Bukowski to Robert Anton Wilson, George Carlin, and Eckhart Tolle. There is a greater good but it is not for the group; it is only for you; it is only for you to be love; it is only for you to spread it. Thank you
  12. Yes I know he had a history of that. But the the BND is basically a faction of the CIA in a lot of ways. The whole key to the Phoenix Program and bio, EM, or chem warfare on a country's own citizens is based in broad application of gas lighting. In other words, there is a movement towards No-Touch weaponry. The trojan horse exterior to that is "non-lethal weapons". There are non lethal weapons in the hands of security, police, and military that would make you wish you WERE dead. With no touch weapons, it's extremely hard to trace and prove. If you want to see what this sort of thing has done to a citizen of my country, watch a man named Mr. Rush questioning Zuckerberg at the recent Congressional Facebook Investigation, recounting his experience with COINTELPRO (let the man speak for himself):
  13. Ulfkotte died suddenly in his 50s. Shortly after whistleblowing. When he was alive, supposedly the German government banned the German book. I don't speak German. The book was prepped to be published in English. Then Udo suddenly dies. Fricken sow, don't know German.
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