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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

sinisterbotanist

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sinisterbotanist last won the day on March 6

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About sinisterbotanist

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  1. When I first experienced HPPD symptoms (DP, DR) I was reading and listening to Alan Watts, who was really good at describing the Tao and Buddhism and Advaita. These developed into obsessive philosophical thoughts, and for a while I thought that I was stuck in an endless cycle of death and rebirth. I thought that consciousness was like some sort of curse, and that consciousness is actually immortality. I figured that since only death can precede life, life must precede death, and so we are reincarnated. Well, if I hate consciousness so much, and I kill myself, this consciousness will just be transferred into another form, and I'm not fixing anything, and there's nothing to fix anyway. I was not suicidal, I was just extremely into these sort of thoughts. These metaphysical ultimate sort of questions haunted me for a while, and still sort of do. Sometimes they would manifest into actual feelings. My panic attacks feel like I'm forever trapped inside of a goddamned endless and unfeeling universe. I know that all I have to do is breathe, and enjoy the flowers and the birds and music, where none of those thoughts even exist, only the joy of whatever I am putting my attention to. My "cosmic consciousness" mushroom experience taught me that no amount of thinking of thoughts can lead to enlightenment, or satori, or nirvana. Thought leading to this thought leading to this thought will never lead to cosmic consciousness. It is the divine within you all the time except unnoticed. Or something like that. HPPD absolutely is a learning experience. I do not think it is just that you ate some mushrooms and now you have all this shit to take care of. I think it is in itself a sort of spiritual crisis, a reprogramming of your sense of self in order to lead a more productive life. I could be wrong, but this is what my intuition is telling me, and I certainly am working to be better than ever before.
  2. The Zoloft seems to be working, at least with the depression and anxiety. I honestly feel quite normal, though I still have all the visual snow type stuff. And a slight sense of derealization, which is always worse on summer-ish days. I did space out my acid trips, and I even tripped after I starting having HPPD symptoms. That single trip was extremely boring. And then there was the extremely enjoyable but ultimately useless mushroom trip, since it did not offer any lasting changes in my day to day life, which is basically what I want. Actually, I didn't mention this, but over spring break I decided to use 2C-I. Didn't even trip, but it probably is the reason why I had a huge spike of DR/panic recently. D: I'm very interested in how much of HPPD is biological. Is it psychedelic chemical + brain predisposed to react badly to HPPD = HPPD? Or something more related to fears, or psychodynamics? In the book "The Secret Chief" it doesn't mention HPPD, and I remember reading churches who used ayahuasca did not report anything related to HPPD. So if psychedelics were used in an extremely positive context, and meant for healing, would HPPD be any less likely to form? On the DP/DR forum, there is a user who claims a series of ayahuasca ceremonies with shamans healed his DP. That is of course completely different from a few friends dropping acid in their basement.
  3. Hey, first post. I came from a derealization forum, since that's what has been bothering me the most. A little background on myself: I'm 18, starting college in the fall (studying music therapy/biology/psychology), and a musician. I've always been interested in psychedelics, and just over a year ago, I used LSD. The trip itself was glorious. I felt a sense of peace about everything, nothing mattered but those moments. I still think that to be the best night I've ever had. Four months later, I used LSD again in a completely terrible setting and basically had a negative experience, where I felt as if I were in a void of nothingness. The experience itself was very benign but the feeling of being nothing lingered on and on. I had a few panic attacks after that experience, and talked to a therapist for a bit. I set my mind to other things and forgot about my symptoms, mostly. Then, after six or so months after abstaining from psychedelics, I ate psilocybin mushrooms. I was looking for a healing or transformative experience. Basically, I experienced cosmic consciousness, and felt the most deep bliss for everything. A very incredible experience, though I did not know how to "use" it. I woke up the next morning feeling as down as ever, and particularly derealized. Fast forward to now (~6 months), and I'm at a peak of derealization, or was. A month ago I had a horrifying panic attack while driving to school. Extremely frightening.. I had about five more panic attack type things after this experience, and sought help for it. I thought it was a spiritual crisis, or something from my unconscious trying to express itself. I'm taking 100mg of Zoloft right now, and it just now seems to be working, I think. For the past two days I've felt "normal," aside from the visual disturbances. The reason I decided to look up more on HPPD was because I can't really enjoy looking at stars any more.. the sky is now just an ugly static field. Then I realized that the HPPD is my central problem. So basically what I'm wondering is, has there ever been someone to be finished with HPPD, use a psychedelic again, and not relapse? I'm extremely interested in psychedelic's psychotherapeutic value, and I honestly would love to use them once again. I'm extremely jealous of Ann and Sasha Shulgin, who've had probably thousands of trips with no ill effects. I'm assuming it's very likely to relapse, and I am saddened I will likely have to put my interest in psychedelics to a standstill. Though, self exploration absolutely is still possible. Carl Jung never used a psychedelic, and has some incredible insights into the psyche. My new therapist wants to do holotropic breathwork with me, not sure how that will turn out. Since it is an altered-state, it might make me feel worse.. anyway, thanks for reading, and please tell me about relapses! My symptoms: Extreme rush of fear/derealization, sometimes preceded by deja vu Depression, mixed in with the derealization. Waking up on the weekends for some reason is extremely difficult. A very very slight migraine aura type visual "dent" in the center of my vision that takes weeks to go away (haven't had it in a while) Visual snow & various other things that shouldn't be happening with my vision
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