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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum


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etardnow last won the day on November 25 2013

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About etardnow

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  1. dont underestimate tinnitus, i haven't heard silence in a year now. why i do drugs? my enjoyment of life is amplified. don't get me wrong, once i somewhat dealt with the emotional shock of having hppd, i still had fun. i met with my friends all the time, went to raves (sober) and even the clubs sober. my initial return to drugs made me go on a spree but MDMA or cocaine is something i would do monthly at minimum. i mean I'm in asia right now and not doing drugs doesn't bother me one bit. hppd or not, in the long run, i guess its not a smart move to do drugs but in the short run, it has actually helped me heal from the emotional/mental shock i deal with from hppd. almost like curing PTSD which MDMA currently holds some merit in experimental trials. if anything, some of the medicinal drugs I've taken had some effect on hppd. i recently got strep throat and took some antibiotics of the fluoroquinolone class. my anxiety came back and tinnitus was temporarily worsened. I was quite surprised at the connection because my anxiety and tinnitus and other physical symptoms started when i took some ciprofloxacin last year. it was just a couple month after i got hppd so i just attributed it to hppd. right now, the visuals are my norm so sometimes i forget i have hppd but it hasn't actually improved one bit. its just that starburstings and ghosting visuals have become my norm that it doesn't even phase me, life goes on.
  2. Hey guys, its been just over a year now of hppd and wanted to give an update. TL;DR no improvements, broke my post hppd 10 month drug free streak and did not experience worsening. Anxiety and very very mild dp/dr is gone. I have no improvements on visual symptoms but anxiety and mild dp/dr is gone. With the anxiety gone, the visual symptoms arent such a bother and i learned that life goes on. After about 10~month of being drug free due to hppd, i gained enough confidence again and indulged myself into various drugs again. Did mdma again 3 straight weekends, smoked some pot, and tried cocaine for the first time and drank 2-3 times a week for a coupe month. i even tried all 4 in 1 day. In terms of worsening due to drug use, i think pot made it a bit worse(permanently) but overall its an insignificant change. ex, the tracers are more defined, so before if i only saw like 10 instances of tracers, ill now i have 15? i guess that means the duration of afterimage/tracer before it disappears have increased by a milisecond or so. i believe im one of those cases where the symptoms will never improve even after a decade. However, as long as my symptoms dont get worse, i think i won't mind. I realized that living in fear was such a big problem of hppd. Can i drink this caffeine? can i do a full exhaustion workout? can i drink till im fucked up? can i pull an all nighter? can i eat this junk food? can i take this med for my cold? One by one i tried it and each one did not worsen my hppd, so i went back to the unhealthy but satisfying lifestyle. i do realize that my symptoms are on the milder side so its easier for me to cope than other members but im the type of personality that has always learned to adapt and go with the flow. if i really had to say, the symptoms that bother me are tinnitus and hairloss. hairloss started right with hppd, and doctors say its genetic but i dont have baldness in my family and i just know its due to the brain change. (hormone expression or bad circulation or something i guess) also a random post i read from a reddit thread and regarding hppd. i've always side with this theory and it sounds about right in why we have hppd but i dont know if it has any merit. LSD increases the serotonin-receptor density in your brain. "Loose-connections" on LSD are due to neurons firing when they otherwise "shouldn't". While using LSD there is an increase in synapse levels of serotonin and the body reacts by increasing the receptor density to accommodate. This is also the reason for "flashbacks". You can get an increase in serotonin levels in the future which can trigger pathways that have an increased sensitivity to serotonin due to the increased receptor profile. The receptor density does decrease with time but it does create real changes to the brain. tl:dr, new pathways are formed on LSD, the newly opened pathway doesnt close up properly after lsd use resulting in hppd. im currently 1month drug free again due to my summer vacationing but the slightly worsened symptoms havent reverted to my baseline, so i assume this is my new baseline but its not much different so whatever. I might get hated on this but FOR ME this site has become toxic. Reading some of the post almost stirs up the ever familiar emotions of anxiety and worry that i had beginning of hppd. like searching for an answer that isnt there and becoming more desperate after reading each thread. Funny how when I did have anxiety, reading those posts and relating kind of helped me calm down but now reflecting back, it might not have been so helpful in the long run. i guess my mentality is a bit weak and i would rather ignore (is bliss) my problems then to face it and try to fix it no matter how long it takes.
  3. about 20 days short of my 1 year anniversary (wouldve been may 23) of hppd and drug sobriety, i took some M. worked the same and it was magical. I popped at the armin only 5hour concert anyways after trying M and everything was fun, i decided to smoke weed again and also try snow for the first time. for 3 weeks i went on a drug binge, 3 weekends of m, 3 weekends of drinking leading to coke, and every few days use of marijuana. as for symptoms, i think tracers, starburst, and visual snow in pitch black worsened but it was so minute that it didnt deter me from use. i also read that some people became "fixed" while high (due to the dopamine/sero w.e) but for me the visuals were pretty much the same. one thing that it sorta fixed was that i cant initiate voluntary nystagmus as easily anymore. but i did the drugs because i basically accepted hppd, the mindset i was and am in right now was much more different then what i was even half a year ago. I tend to not come to the forum anymore because it basically claws at my mental barrier. i havent gotten better symptom wise but my mentality is so strong now that i am rarely if at all bothered by hppd. The only thing that i hate is im going bald and i know for sure its fucking hppd and not genes. With hppd, I got testosterone related symptoms which include but not limited to balding. I also still dream every single day which sucks because i feel like that my brain is not getting the real deep rest it needs. ever since lsd i have become a very light sleeper and if i wake up after a good amount of sleep 5hours? then thats the end of my sleep. before hppd i used to be able to sleep 10+ hours. cheers
  4. trailing is one of the symptoms i started to notice later on, about 4-5month in. its not severe as in it fades in less than a second but anything that moves basically has trails if i focus on it through my peripheral vision. so even my hand will produce trails 100% of the time.
  5. hello. wow i havent been here for about a month now. i can relate what you mean by visuals not mattering because although my visuals havent changed, and even maybe worsened a bit more, my sense of self and being content with life has improved alot. to be a bit honest, i think this site is a bit toxic for our condition. i mean sure there are certain 'ways' and support to help us maintain our sanity but none of them are a permanent solution and i dont see one surfacing anytime soon. it only feeds the subconscious anxiety for those who cant handle it. *edit: its toxic because being a part of this forum is a constant reminder that we are not at a normal healthy state. i feel that it conscious or subconsciously, it impedes our progress into finding content with ourselves. however, time is the REAL cure. as i mentioned, visions havent changed at all but my state of mind has improved tremendously. it is only now that i can reflect back that i realize what kind of a hectic panicked anxious state of mind i was in. whats funny is that even two month ago, i said the same thing. If i really imagine pre-hppd, i realize that , yes, my mentality is in a hyperawareness fight-or-flight mode and this greatly affects how we perceive our hppd. I have hppd for about 7month now and my state of mind returning to normal. The only thing that truly bothers me is the fact that im shedding a lot of hair, maybe its a lot of stress or i also believe that its due to the hormonal/neurotransmitter changes but nothing can be done about that and im slowly starting to accept it as a part of me and hppd. had to shave my head to adjust to it. even things like tinnitus, i really have to get my attention to focus on it for me to become aware of it. before, i would 100% hear tinnitus before sleeping but now, its not something that my attention goes to. quite amazing to learn that conditioning/self-behaviour therapy works. i said this before but its like time allows my brain to 'forget' how to bring such things to attention. its a bit different from being cured. if i focus it, i can bring it to my attention and the intensity is still at baseline so i wouldnt say its an improvement of the actual symptom but rather it is having to forget how to bring it to attention is whats happening for me. if two symptoms of mine were to go away, shedding hair and the feeling of sinusitis, i would say that hppd is a small part of my life. the hair part sucks cuz its a physical visual symptom. oh and i did the whole healthy diet and no junk food, caffeine, alcohol lifestyle for about 6 month and i lost a good amount of weight, about 20kgs but it did nothing to help my hppd. i cant say the same for you guys but i started to indulge in the sinful foods again a it doesnt make me worse, in fact it kinda helps me feel 'normal' again. i even started drinking alcohol again and it hasnt changed anything. i did try a couple powder specks (yes, specks, like 10< grains of coke lol) coke and i believe it intensified my starbursting by 1% so a drugs are still a no no for me; dont blindly do a whole line just cuz you think you "can handle it". edit* and remember this is my account, i have read a few stories of where conditions where alcohol worsened hppd so be cautious. anyways ill be back in a month or two. keep on the fight, good luck bros and sis.
  6. etardnow

    Enjoying music.

    im quite the opposite. music helps me keep my mind of hppd and i tend to enjoy it more thoroughly because i rather focus on music then my surroundings. However, i do sometimes experience the random snippets of 'echoing' of what i heard earlier in the day. I guess thats just our excited brain shooting random neurons.
  7. etardnow

    I'm done! Finally!

    Also dylan if you are reading this, i hope you answer my question from the alcohol thread. Did you mean that drinking a responsibly excessive amount has less to zero effect on hppd vs drinking a buzzy amount and experience worsened symptoms? Maybe because more the alcohol, more the sedation = better for our overly excited hppd brains? vs half sedation and randomly activated brains.
  8. Could it be visual snow? or noise i like to call it. Kind of like noise in a camera picture? or Like how a tv screen feels digital even though its displaying crisp sharp images and colors. It might be worse at night because during the day you are being strong but when you are ready to sleep, you wind down mentally and physically and it lets your 'guard down'. Dont worry though, time heals. no pain no gain. lol Remember that the brain counts in months and years when healing. Personal experience: Got vertigo one morning from drinking the most i have ever drank the prior night. It lasted 1+ year before it went away. Thinking back on it, I find it amazing and reassuring that our brain is in fact healing and it takes 1+ years to do so.
  9. etardnow

    I'm done! Finally!

    I call it good days and bad days. Imo, you are not over the anxiety yet.? Afterall, improving or not, the existence of symptoms are basically a constant attack on your mental health and anxiety.... but only if you perceive it that way... I say this because, for me right now, i think 99% of the anxiety is gone. I still have visuals and i dont think they are improving at all and i think its even worsened a bit with the meds im taking but because i dont have anxiety, it really has no effect. Even though i havent really seen an improvement in visuals and even a significant worsening in physical symptoms, I can say i feel so much better and normal then i did few month back. Think of the times you did drugs and experienced these changes but didnt have anxiety, it was great. But with anxiety and the mental perception that it creates, it can be hell. One thing that reminded me of this was catching a cold. Before hppd i didnt care anything about a cold or aches and stuff, but when got a cold this winter, i went straight to the doctor got some meds and took it religiously. It was then that i realized, wow ive really changed, im mentally weaker now, getting anxious over a cold... Realizing this is starting to make me stronger again though. Also, maybe try not to visit the forum too much if you are not actively using it as a means of research and journal logs and trials etc. I cant speak for others but when i havent visited in a while, it is when my anxiety improves. But when i comeback once in a while, i get a tiny bit of anxiety. Its like i accepted hppd but coming back here reminds me that its a fucked up disorder and i am fucked and its breaking down the mental walls that im building back up, especially if i am writing shit down like i am. Once in a while though, its a nice place to let it out. There is really no point in reading about all these failed trials and cries of help if you are in a bad state yourself. Of course helping others and being supported can be a healing process as well.
  10. So for about a month, i had a presence sensation in my noise to where it connects in the throat. (where you would feel if you induced snoring/snort). But a few days ago, it felt like that sensation slowly climed down to my throat and it inflamed it pretty much. I blamed the sensation to hppd but it just might be and i coincidentally got a cold. Or maybe its a long ass infection that i wasnt able to fight off naturally. Anyways i went to the doc and got prescribed these meds and one or a combination of them has worsened my snow (significantly because before i had to put effort to notice it, now not so much) and maybe worsened tinnitus. Which are the most likely.... im guessing either the antibiotics or the acetaminophen are casuing them. maybe the antihistamines. anyways my tinnitus development coincided with the timeframe i was taking ciprofloxacin. I really hope my tinnitus doesnt worsen.... i was prescribed a weeks worth and i would love to not take them but this sinus presence has been here for already a month.... thoughts? acetaminophen 325mg Hedera helix (english ivy) rebamipide cerrfuxoime Olopatadine
  11. etardnow

    Worst symptom?

    a few physiological symptoms. going bald, eustachian tube problems, and bad skin.
  12. someone ban this troll plz hes been asking people to suck dick.
  13. It took me about 2-5month for my visuals to reach a relative baseline and even now (7month in) i still get random new symptoms. It will settle down eventually and you will be on the road to recovery.
  14. etardnow

    Alcohol and HPPD

    hmm i dont know if that get drunk theory is a good idea. It kind of makes sense when i think about how (even before hppd) drinking a little gave me a headache early while drinking a lot didnt really give me any. I always thought of it as experiencing the hangover early while awake rather then when i am sleeping. When you experienced the adverse effects of only a couple, did they return to baseline? This is my first time drinking in about 6 month and i am not really phased by the worsened symptoms. The only reason im not drinking again right now is because the longer lines from starbursting is going to effect my driving. As for the energy thing, I was a fucking beast on molly, i literally danced straight hours and kilograms off lol. I can still dance the night away hardcore on sober and people think I'm on drugs but i think its more of a mental thing. I dance harder to get into the music without drugs etc. I think the 'headpressure' is from the eyemuscle. One weird thing is i notice that my right eye feels a bit heavier as if the muscles were a bit stiff. Its feels more natural to have the right eye partially closed.. dont know what to do about this Heart palpitations i had quite a bit in the beginning, and nowadays i get them when i wake up from naps(specifically naps) and it feels like my whole body is shaking. WIth hppd, my whole blood circulation probably went to shit. These days i get frequent muscle fluttering(benign fasciculation) but all these random symptoms, i cant do anything about it and neither the doctors so i dont try to think too much of it. I also developed extremely dry skin and some body acne which sucks and is probably a symptom of whatever caused hppd. My guess is fucked up hormones+neurotransmitters. I've always asked that question to others myself, are you 100% cured? they never say its 100%. I want to try weed because for me, my symptoms came after i took a break of drugs. My hppd wasnt a trip that never ended. I had signs of hppd (text movement) after my lsd but i continued daily weed smoking without any problems. Its only when i took some meds after a month of being fatigued/energyless, that my visuals developed. I have a theory that maybe daily weed smoking was protecting my brain from the inevitable hppd.
  15. Unfortunately that's not how hppd works. While there are some users that have some decrease of visuals that coincide with the decrease of anxiety, its not always the case. HPPD as we know it is that our brain is too-excited. Benzos basically works by improving a chemical called GABA which is used by our brain to decrease the excitability of neurons. This would result in the calming effect of many functions in the brain, one of which is anxiety and visuals.

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