Kellen

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Kellen last won the day on October 10 2016

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About Kellen

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  1. Been seriously suffering again lately. Feeling majorly depressed and detached. I'm not in the healthiest mental state to be in a relationship but here I am with a girl I love more than anyone I've dated before. She shows kindness, compassion and understanding the likes of which I have never experienced. She says I'm perfect on the days when I feel my worst and has seen me at my worst and hasn't left running for the door. I'm having a bad day and she literally just called me from work to tell me she loves me and that I will be okay. I'm very fortunate to have built a very loving foundation with my partner. We are best buds and although I'm not near where i want to be mentally (I also often feel I don't deserve her) she reminds me that I am an amazing person with so much to offer the world. And even at my worst she can see through my condition to who I really am and she loves me for who I am. I spend so much time being lost in this condition. So full of doubt and uncertainty. Like I don't know myself anymore at all. But she really sees me as a pure person . and I treat her like the queen she deserves to be treated as. Just having her on my side gets me through the day. So I'll say to anyone suffering with this don't think you aren't worthy of love. Or that you are too damaged that no one could love you. You will meet someone who is patient and who cares about you enough to try to understand. All they can do is try. I never thought I would have someone like her in my life and sometimes I literally can't believe she is with me but she is and she is genuine. I love this girl because she is so kind, unique, smart, loving and caring and the fact that I get to be a recipient of her attention is just the icing on the cake. Don't be afraid of dating.
  2. Been a rough couple weeks but in retrospect 2016 was remarkably better than the year before. 2015 was the worst year of my life. This one had its bumps and im still totally fucked from hppd/lamitrogine but I've made progress with my bands and have met a very sweet girl and its going pretty well despite how fucked I feel. I remember getting laid on NYE last year and thinking well this year is already off to a better start than all of 2015 combined haha. I've been having a major flare up the past coulple weeks. My partner is in Europe and I'm worried im gunna be all whacked out when she's back but I'll just have to deal with that when I come to it. She knows I have issues and she is by far the most compassionate and understanding person I've ever met and I'm so lucky to have her. So lucky. To sum it up: 2016 was a shitty year for the human race but not so bad for me
  3. I saw that movie too. Total cgi wank fest but ya it fucked with me and my hppd at first. Especially when he's flying through all those dimensions of reality. But it tapered off and I got through the flick. Definitely an hppd trigger warning tho Glad to hear you're feeling better
  4. man these boards are dead. just curious where everyone is at in their recovery. any new meds/supps that are working for you? hows life? its getting to be that shitty time of year for a lot of people i hate the winter with the xmas lights every where and dead grey skies. I'm still getting off the lamictal 30mg. met an amazing girl tho and have halted my withdrawal to try and enjoy life for a bit. i still struggle a lot and my symptoms are still very bad but i have some very good positive things in my life to be thankful for. a much better year than the last for sure. wheres everyone at? i hope you are all safe and on the healing path
  5. Had a brand new symptom show up the other night. Was hanging on my friends porch with some candles lit when out of nowhere I got all these weird revolving patters and grids in my right eyes field of vision. I don't know if the candle light played some roll but it was really weird and it took over about 1/4 th my vision. It was like triangles and grids that swirled round And stretched I can't really describe it any other way. All different colours but mostly red/orange and purple. It last about 10 mins wtf has anyone had this? I can't believe Im still getting new symptoms like this after all these years I hope it doesn't happen again it was freaky
  6. I ordered th bio 3b g direct from them (biotics research) it doesn't contain thiamine cocarboxylase it contains thiamine diphosphate 1.5 mg so they must make different batches or something?
  7. Curious to know how this stuff is still working for everyone. Which brand have people had the most success with?
  8. Ya I'm not gunna take this shit. It's weird because my new pdoc has treated HPPD (he says mine is an anomaly tho) but I have no idea where he's getting the idea of trying ability from. Not gunna risk it
  9. you really need to reevaluate your life. How little do you think of yourself that you are willing no to risk PERMANENT damage by continuing to smoke weed and take fucked up drugs. if you are actually able to smoke weed you are in a place where you can recover. Most people with hppd can't even be around it. Stop risking things getting worse for yourself. get new friends. Join NA and meet positive sober people. No one is going to sympathize with you about how fucked up you are because you're being a fool by continuing to take drugs/smoke weed. Stop being stupid
  10. New p.doc wants to start me on abilify. Very reluctant to try it I have two weeks to decide. He knows about how badly I responded to respiridone yet assures me this will be different. Anyone taken this before?
  11. I know this sounds horrible but I'm actually making peace with the fact that I know that's how I'm going to die. By my own hand or doing. I know one day I will have reached my limit of what I can handle. As bad as it is I'm still here. I'm still functioning on some basic level. But it's not looking good for me. I still see my self deteriorating mentally and physically. I'm bitter. I hate that I'm like this. I've done nothing to deserve this. I cry and scream. And I can accept where I am. But I can not accept this as my life. As the rest of my "life". If it doesn't improve, If I don't gain some resemblance of reality back. Of how to function, then I know in time I will put an end to it. And it kinda brings me comfort knowing I can make all of this stop. I'd feel bad for my friends and family. I have a lot of people who love me. But this cross is too hard to bare. Im here but not really here anyway. And I do suffer. DAILY. It's not about giving up hope. It's about having realistic expectations. I don't expect to get better. Only to get worse like I have been. But I'll hold off until I can't take it anymore. Until it becomes too much. Whenever that may be.
  12. from a user on askapateint "I could no longer hack the Lamictal because I could no longer hold conversations -- I simply could not remember events or experiences in my life enough to talk about them. I had intense itching all over my head, neck and ears. It was severe and affected my work. After going off of Lamictal, I felt normal again. However, I have fibromyalgia and the pain started coming back so it was suggested by my pdoc that I go back on the Lamictal. Not trusting in my own experiences and thinking perhaps it had been something else that caused my past suffering, I started it again. And guess what? All of the symptoms returned. Sure doctors are educated but there's a lot they don't know. The long term affects of these drugs aren't known. Many drugs have helped me -- I couldn't hold a normal life without them. But be aware. You are the best expert for what goes into your body and what you feel as a result" amen!
  13. i knew it! if you read through my posts i provide enough links and examples to state my claim. no drug is a miracle. im showing the other side of this medication through my own personal experience. your post just reminds me of the doctors who dont take the patients word and will cite facts and figures because it cant possibly be that this mind altering drug they prescribed you could be fucking with you. preposterous! dude i KNOW lamitrogine has compromised me. i dont need to prove it to you. or for you to try and convince me otherwise. there is no debate. there are many many people who are trying very hard to get off this drug because it can be an utter nightmare for some. i know how i used to be before the med even while dealing with hppd. this is different it has changed me. anything that can potentially help can potentially destroy it would be ignorant to think otherwise. im on the lamitrogine withdrawl support group. im not alone in this. do the research you you will find countless first hand accounts of how this shit is messing with peoples lives and minds. read some of these reviews http://www.askapatient.com/viewrating.asp?drug=20241&name=LAMICTAL&page=2&PerPage=60 also read what ive been through on this thread. its not just hppd. its not the natural progression. its the fact that i introduced a chemical compound this has wrecked havoc on my mind and my over all well being. if people want to try it then ya okay go for it but im pointing out that if it goes wrong for you it can come at a hefty price. ive dealt with repirdal, effexor, prozac and they were NOTHING compared to this. the smallest doses are actually the hardest to come off of (look it up) and im down to 25mg from 400mg and there is no question the WD mixed with the current dose is whats causing me so much bullshit.
  14. Lol do you work for galaxosmithklien? Guess because you cited some articles and studies it's all in my head huh? Remember there are two sides to every coin and there are quite a few people feeling the other side of Lamitrogine. And There's just as much evidence to prove It.
  15. I've been at 25 mg for 4 months now. even at this low dose it hasn't evened out and the withdrawal effects haven't ceased. I no longer think these are withdraw, effects but they are the actual effects of the medication It looks like the damage its done to my vision in permanent "The capacity of available tests to detect potentially adverse consequences of melanin binding is unknown. Clinical trials excluded subtle effects and optimal duration of treatment. There are no specific recommendations for periodic ophthalmological monitoring. Lamotrigine binds to the eye and melanin-containing tissues which can accumulate over time and may cause toxicity. Prescribers should be aware of the possibility of long-term ophthalmologic effects and base treatment on clinical response. Patient compliance should be periodically reassessed with lab and medical testing of liver and kidney function to monitor progress or side effects.[40]" Wonderful This shit has effectively poisoned my vision and it most likely won't get better even when I'm off it. Here's another juicy bit "Lamitrogine has been implicated in the apoptotic neurodegeneration of the developing brain.[49] " No kidding This shit has made me slow, taken away my humour, I can't remember ANYTHING, put me in a constant state of intense derealization and seems to be killing my fucking brain I guarantee you you will see law suits against lamitrogine start popping up real soon. I strongly urge everyone to stay far far away from this shit. My plan now is to switch to the brand name and start taking the pedicatric 5mg pills and reduce very slowly until I'm off. I know this shit has done permanent damage to me I was never this bad before. HPPD is more than enough for anyone to deal with don't ad to it by taking lamitrogine.