glmelton

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glmelton last won the day on August 24 2013

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  1. I too have been experiencing this recently. My psychiatrist had me on high doses of Keppra, Tegretol, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, and Haldol, In hopes of treating my hppd and tackling other metal illness's iv been facing.... but after several months of taking these meds i felt as if the side effects were becoming worse than my condition and that they where also making my hppd worse so one day i decided to stop taking all of them... "i should have tappered!" and its been to weeks and i feel better only i get these "brain zaps". Iv also experienced this after using mdma and trying to go to bed after my trip. I notice that it starts as a cluster around my temporal and occipital lobes then builds up and shoots down my spine sometimes... Symptoms described as "brain zaps," "brain shocks," "brain shivers," "brain pulse-waves," "head shocks," "pulses," "flickers," or "cranial zings" are common withdrawal symptoms experienced during discontinuation (or reduction of dose) of antidepressant drugs.[3][4] These result from a global downregulation of serotonin receptors in response to increased levels of serotonin in the synaptic cleft, but the specific mechanism through which this creates symptoms is not understood. I believe this is what im experiencing... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SSRI_discontinuation_syndrome
  2. These made me laugh haha Thank you because laughing isn't something i do often these days. And i do find it ironic that i spend alot of my time obsessing or focusing on my condition, what caused it, and how to cure it. Its like most people here will tell you to stop focusing so much on it and think about something else and just ignore it until it either goes away or you learn to cope with it. But me, i find solace in studying it , what and how it affects me as a person... Almost like as if someone hurt me and i was studying there weakness to plot revenge. (In our case a "cure") Because someday with the vast majority of information, people who are studying the brain, and neuro science. I believe that well will be able to find a cure within our generation and stand on the edge of the rabbit hole of hppd that we ventured out of and be able to look back at the hell we endured and give it a final fuck you and get back to our lives. But until then im going to stick with studying it and learning about neuroscience and pharmacology.
  3. Your post is never useless to me. No questions here, your advise seems to help alot and yeah iv just been using oxy as more of a band-aid rather than a treatment. Anything that can keep my mind off of hppd is like a vacation from hell imo. But never the less i shouldn't be on it or else it'll lead to a bad lifestyle that id rather not endure. Same with the klonopin it only helps when im on it but doesn't treat the condition. Damiana and/or Passiflora is something im defiantly going to look into. ​As for disability it wouldn't be an act i know if any one of us with hppd explained our symptoms to a doctor that had that authority we shouldn't have to be put in situations that cause us extreme anxiety and crazy visuals and lack of concentration and focus plus the mental mind fuck that come with this all. I'm not sure how other people do it but having hppd at least for me so far has been the most life crippling thing iv experienced ever... i feel like i would rather have lost a limb that have to experience this on a daily base's but of course im still only 5 to 6 month in so far so maybe it'll get to some point where i can function better in life. Or manage. It just weird when you lose a loved one for example your sad about it for awhile but you can eventually move on as the pain slowly fades... its not like you see a flashes of that person every time you close you eyes or are constantly reminded of the pain it caused when you lost the person... Where as with hppd its always there it always reminds you, it never goes away, it only gets a little better over long periods of time.... And i guess i do have a question where exactly you learn about the neurology and pharmacology of all of this? Because see so many people on this for talking about GABA receptors, serotonin antagonist, visual cortex synaptic and neuroplasticity, ect and i feel very intellectually inferior. When reading about it. I feel like im in the first grade compared to most people on this forum. Not to mention hppd has taken a toll on any intelligence i had left. I picked up a book "neurology for dummies" hoping to gain some insight on the matter but if you have any recommendations on any books that wouldn't be to over complicated that i can learn about pharmacology and neurology that'd be awesome. Again thank you so much
  4. Again sorry for the delayed response Well my disability application is long and strenuous I was told it’ll take them about 2 to 4 months to make a medical decision and that ill most like have to be seen by one of their doctors before they can make the decision. Because the psychologist and psychiatrists that I’m seeing now nether are doctorates or MD’s I guess. Basically they don’t have the authority to make a decision on whether or not I’m fit to work or not. So ill probably end up seeing a special disability doctor and I’m pretty confident that within the first half hour of explaining my symptom’s to he or she that they’ll know that I’m unfit for work and approve me for disability. Noopept did make me think faster but I stopped taking it, for some odd reason I felt well “weird” My last appointment well sucked! They asked me all the wright or I guess wrong questions and I kind of cracked as in just melted into a puddle of despair and started crying because there asking me about “thoughts of suicide” and I told them how I really felt on the matter. But this lead to my psychiatrists (med manager) thinking that I was more depressed because I dropped my Depakote and that it was a side effect of the keppra… So she insisted I continued the Depakote and halved my dose of keppra.. FML because iv always felt this depressed I just never really told them about it until then. “Bad timing” She also wanted to arrange transportation for me to a psych ward for suicide watch. I told her id drive there myself and never really went. I didn’t have a chance to ask to get referred to a neurologist either because it was basically all her over reacting, and me just crying and not talking haha so I felt like that was a waste of an appointment and also counterproductive.. Also my Therapist has me writing down all my negative thoughts I have and I think after she reads this notebook iv filled within the past week and a half sense I’ve seen her she’s probably going to need therapy as well lol But my next appointment on the 28th I’m going to ask to see a neurologist for sure and I’m still going to be completely depressed like I was so she’ll notice that the Depakote isn’t really working for me. And yeah I think your right about me mistaking my high generalized anxiety all day for psychosis although Im sure i have experienced true psychosis a few times in my life like when I first got hppd for example. My multivitamin is 21st century for males it contains 100mgs of magnesium, 2mgs of b6 and 6mg of b12, I’m also taking to melatonin tabs that has 3mgs of b6 in them so I’m totaling around 8mgs of b6 a day 6mgs of b12 and 350mgs of magnesium. My “nature made” brand magnesium just says 250mg magnesium but the ingredients say magnesium oxide, and magnesium stearate, plus some other fillers…. I also have to confess that I’ve been taking about 5mgs of oxycodone a day for the past few dyas and is has helped with my hppd a lot. Its helped with my visuals probably due to my pupil constriction and also my mood is really elevated. It’s weird because before I ever got hppd I never really like opiates but now they make me feel happy/euphoric and I feel like I care a lot less about having hppd because well they take away my depression for a little while… But when I’m off them it’s the same old hppd as usual but I haven’t noticed any increase in symptoms when I’m off them or on them either. I’m also growing a tolerance to them and I’m about to run out so I hope I don’t withdrawal to bad but I doubt it due to only taking a small dose a day. To update my med list Medication's: Keppra 125mg X2 - Most effective visually so far Klonopin .5 X 3, - Most effective with anxiety and some visualy Depakote 250mg x2 - No Effect Oxycodone 5mg - Helps with visuals and mood Supplements: Melatonin 3mg X2 - Helps Sleep and Mood Magnesium 250mgs - Helps little with visuals I think Multi-Vitamin - No effect but still taking Omega 3 - No effect but still taking Noopept 30mg - Dropped
  5. unfortunately yes i wish we had universal health care here in the us.. but yeah all my meds and appointments i have to pay for out of pocket iv probably invested around $3000(not counting the unpaid bills) in getting better already with little effects.. So anything that can save me as little as $30 is completely worth it right now.
  6. For those of you who are taking keppra here's a link to a coupon that'll save you $30 on your next refill. Im not sure if the coupons different for people outside the US. http://www.keppraxr.com/about/savings_program.aspx If i could i would just attach the pdf but the coupon ID changes for every download. Hence you have to get it directly from there site. Works for both insured and cash paying costumers.
  7. @ Odisa Thank you so much for you long detailed feedback it really helps right now. I can defiantly see why you’re an advanced member of this form. Not just with my post either, you seem to help a lot of people. Which I find to be the most help next to therapy and keppa. The mental health clinic I’m going to has me seeing both a psychiatrists (which I got confused for psychologist), and a therapist (which is probably my psychologist). Basically the difference is that my psychiatrist only listens to my symptoms then prescribes me medication where as my therapist or psychologist will actually listen to everything I have to say and help me with short term/long term life goals. Like overcoming social anxiety (through behavior cognitive therapy) and having me apply for disability. I’m not too sure if they communicate with each other that much but I do know they have the same network/software where they post there notes, symptoms, and medical history about me so either one of them can review what they have said about me. But yeah I have another appointment tomorrow and I’m still going to politely insist that I would really like to be seen my a neurologists because I truly believe iv done some form of brain damage/restructuring and I would like to see it for myself if anything. I find it’s interesting that you’re taking Phenibut as it has anticonvulsant effects much like keppra, and acts on the GABA receptor much like a benzo but also has properties of a nootropic. I just recently started dosing on a highly concentrated nootropic called Noopept as it helps with memory, learning, and relives anxiety. It doesn’t really help with any of my visual hppd symptoms but seems to help me concentrate better and think clearer/faster. Do you think that Phenibut is worth trying though? I’m not really worried so much about the combinations either because I’ve been on there sedatives for the past 2 weeks with little adverse side effects other that the drunk zombie feeling that I can handle. And I’m also dropping depakote because I really don’t think or notice any positive changes with it and its extremely expensive. As for the psychosis episodes it weird I fell like I’m just completely insane and no matter what I do or where I go I can’t seem to calm down and I get this strange lonely feeling like I’m fucked and there’s nothing or no one that can help me. But I still appear to be completely calm if other other people are around me(afraid of losing my cool and embarrassing myself, or making other people feel uncomfortable around me) , but on the inside I’m completely freaking out… Also as time passes it seems to be lessening in frequency of occurrence. @ hppd33 I would now say that keppra only reduced my visual snow and overall visuals around 40% to 50% “with” the addition of Klonopin, rather than the 70% I had originally stated. I’m not sure the first few days on it had some placebo effects with it or if I’m just growing a tolerance (if that’s possible). But in any case it “is” helping at least visually. The Klonopin reduced my visuals a little before I started taking keppra. But keppra seems to be helping the most. Well for me at least. So I do notice the difference. And no Lamotrigine “Lamictal” isn’t the same as Levetiracetam “Keppra” but it is in the same class of medications as an Anti-epileptic Agent. So it should hopefully be helping you. To update my med list Medication's: Keppra 250mg X2 - Most effective visually so far Klonopin .5 X 3, - Most effective with anxiety and some visualy Depakote 250mg - Dropping - little to no positive effect visually or mentally Supplements: Melatonin 3mg X2 - Helps Sleep and Mood Noopept 30mg - Helps Mental clarity and thinking Multi-Vitamin - No effect but still taking Omega 3 - No effect but still taking St. Johns Wort - No effect dropping Ginkgo Biloba - No effect dropping And now adding magnesium thanks to Sam93’s advice about visual snow Thank you all for replying, sorry it took so long to get back, and again I’m sorry if my post is riddled with grammatical errors. I’m defiantly not as smart as I used to be.
  8. Yeah my therapist thinks i should defiantly apply for disability at least until this all blows over. But my psychologist is certain that if i keep on my medications i will get better and that theirs no need to even apply she also doesn't think i should get an eeg done.. Which i would actually really like to see for myself. In any case the keppra is actually helping even though is still feel extreme social anxiety. And thanks for answering that question about being crazy. I wasn't sure if that was normal for us hppd'ers or if i was slipping into so from of schizophrenia. Because alot of the time i truly believe iv gone completely insane and that theirs no going back.
  9. I will try and keep you guys posted on my success with keppra.
  10. Age 23 Date got HPPD 03/29/2013 Medication's: Klonopin .5 X2, Depakote 250mg X2, Keppra 250mg X2, Supplements: Melatonin 3mg w/B6 2mg X2, St. Johns Wort, Ginkgo Biloba, Multi-Vitamin, Omega 3 Symptoms Shutter Vision Static Vision/Visual Snow Tracers and After Images Dark Frame Surrounding Peripherals/ Tunnle vision Depersonalization/Derealization/ Numbness Massive Depression / Depressed and Insane Thoughts General Anxiety/Social Anxiety / Impending Doom feeling attention/focus difficulties Loss of libido Lack of Self Meaning/Unmotivated Lacking Cognitive Function/Confusion Severe Loss of Sort Term Memory Complete lack of ego Extreme Paranoia(People are out to get me every time someone tells a story I think its pertaining to me, when people laugh I think there all laughing at me) Everything looks clear/sharper (textures look really detailed) Sensory overload First off I want to apologize for any grammatical errors. I'm pretty sure I had mild Asperger's syndrome before I got hppd at least that's what a psychologist mentioned to me a few years ago but never had an official diagnosis. But regardless I was never fluent in reading and writing but excelled in math and science. I first noticed the visual snow after I went on a intense whip-it and molly binger one night I split a case of about 400 whip-its with a lady friend of mine i was loading my cracker with 5 at a time and after every hit I would take I would breath it into a large balloon then after the cracker was empty i would start inhaling/exhaling what was left in the balloon until I got to the point where I completely lost control over what my body was doing and I was so far dissociated I didn’t realize it. After id come too I noticed that there was a small/light vail of static over everything I looked at but it wasn’t that bad and I didn’t care that much at the time because I thought it would fade away in a few hours or days. And it did for the most part. But when I “REALLY” got hppd from staying up all night on about a gram of mdma and then when I started coming down I took 2c-I around 8am to hopefully keep it going and at first it was awesome for the first time in my life actually seen open eyed hallucinations like I saw thing that whernt actually there and I felt like I was rolling. It really was one of the most incredible experiences of my life but after about 4 or 5 hours it turned into a horribly bad trip I felt anxious and depressed and insane and this is when I felt the depersonalization for the first time and it hasn’t went away sense then. I noticed that everything looked a lot clearer and sharper and that everything has like a lot of static of visual snow over it. After a couple days of not sleeping I ended up getting a taking a antianxiety pill and got a several hours of much need sleep but when I woke up I noticed that I still had persisting images, visual snow, tracers, and most of my symptoms. I never feel completely calm. Now everything looks completely different sounds different I can’t feel anything physically. Every time I look at a bright light and look away I see the after image of the light for a few seconds. Or if I look at something and look away really fast the previous thing that I looked at is still there like an after image. And im not to entirely sure but I feel like a piece of my brain isn’t functioning anymore but I can’t seem to notice it. After the initial shock of hppd I kinda calmed down and living with my friends I found it hard to stay away from drugs. I just thought I should stay away from hallucinogens and so I did but I continued to use other drugs and found myself slightly addicted to smoking 4-fa and sometimes doing apvp(bath salts). And continued to do molly and whip-its. It wasn’t so bad having hppd at this point even though it completely scared me Id still do drugs without any noticeable change to my hppd symptoms. However I did end up getting really depressed over so girl problems I was going through at the time and the depression got so bad I just wanted to kill myself so I attempted to do so with a massive dose of a sleeping pill containing (diphenhydramine) little did I know it was an ssri and made you trip out in large dose’s and it considerably hard to actually OD on. And im pretty sure this actually made my hppd way worse. I finally came to the conclusion that I need to stop doing all drugs in general and get a grasp on my life. So I completely quit all drugs in general and moved to Williston North Dakota and landed a well-paying job I just assumed at the time that my symptoms would subside over time and I could just reintegrate back into society normally. But quit the opposite happened I actually was extremely nervous around everyone I meet at my new job. I didn’t talk to anyone about anything unless they asked me a question or told me to do something. I could tell that people defiantly new something was wrong with me. My shift was 12 hours a day everyday for 6 weeks I also lived where I worked and my phone ended up breaking so I literally talked to no one at all I would just spend all of my spare time in my room and the other time I spent working and trying my hardest to avoid any social contact with anyone I could. I was stuck there for 6 weeks and for some reason every minute felt like an hour time moved so slowly. And all I could think about was that I need to get through this and get back home and everything will be better being around my friends and people I could actually talk to. Toward the last 2 weeks I was the I acctuly started seeing a psychologist who of course never herd of hppd before in her life and just thought I had drug induced schizophrenia and prescribed me olanzapine an antipsychotic. I tried one that same night and it was so horrible made me feel a hundred times worse and like I was having a really bad trip. She later prescribed me with a anti-depressant Lexapro which made me feel really happy for like an hour or two then really shitty for the rest of the day. I eventually got fired from where I was working because of my worsening symptom and came back home. Now I barley talk to people. Ill hardly look people in the eye’s when people try and talk to me ill be quite the entire time then try and end the conversation and leave. Now I usually just try and avoid people because its always awkward. Most days I spend without talking to a single person. Then most days I’ll get really nervous and no matter what I do I cant seem to calm down and my inner voice just keeps telling me that im worthless, that my whole life is a joke and that im not good enough. Out of a 24 hour day I leave my room for about a half hour and its only to eat and shower. Iv been seeing this psychologist back here at home and when I originally asked for keppra she got really tense and hissed a little like as if I insulted her beliefs or something. And instead she put me on Depakote 250mgs 3 times a day and Klonpine .5mgs twice a day to treat my mood and hopefully my visuals. Depakote did nothing for my visuals but did help my mood some I noticed that I was slightly less depressed but not necessarily happy at all. Plus I noticed taking Depakote 3 times a day gave me a sever headache so I lowered it to twice a day. When I saw here again to weeks later I told her that my mood was a little elevated but no change in my visual symptoms. She proceeded to tell me she had done some research herself and I presented her with the case study on keppra. And she agreed that it was the best liable treatment from my condition. So now I take 250mgs of both keppra and Depakote in the morning and right before bed. Results well I’m still very nervous around any person even close friends of mine. However keppra a reduced my visual symptoms a lot I still notice visual snow but its about %70 less, after images have significantly reduced, trails and tracers are about %90 reduced, my depersonalization, de-realization, and numbness is down like %70. My anxiety is down like %40 I feel like I can think better with less brain fog and confusion. And its only been 4 days now im excited to see how ill be after 3 months. However there is a down side to keppra when I was taking Depakote and klonpine I bailer noticed any side effects at all. But with the addition on keppra I fell heavily sedated almost like a drunk zombie. I feel like im shit faced without the head change sometime ill stumble or bump into walls. I fell a little dizzy as well. I do fell a little more agitated but nothing like the infamous “Keppra Rage” iv been hearing about. Iv also been taking gingko for memory and St Johns Wort because its an mild ssri and I haven’t noticed any sever changes in symptoms I’m just really desperate to get rid of this intense depression. I feel like I don’t have any emotions at all anymore like I can’t feel happiness or anger or anything anymore only a really low baseline sadness…. And I’m hoping that just maybe it’ll help my increases my mood. Is it normal for people with hppd to feel so insane it repeats all though out the day in my head? All I think about is “I’m insane, no im normal, nope I’m defiantly crazy, no its just the hppd I’m fine it’ll get better.” I also notice for a very brief period in the morning when I every first wake up calmly is that I feel completely normal I can feel the bed sheets brushing against my legs. I run my hand through my hair and it almost tickles because I can feel my hair move. Then after about five minutes my body pretty much goes numb and my symptoms slowly fade in. Any advice form anyone would be great I defiantly want to stay positive and get through this and get on with my life. Because my psychologist isn’t sure I can qualify for disability because I can still function and communicate but when I’m around people I freak out or end up getting fired from jobs. So financially I’m in a bind which doesn’t help my depression.