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  1. 4 points
    I was in a similar place as you for a long time. I remember when I first got HPPD it was like being transported into another world because my DP-DR symptoms were so severe. I literally thought I was dreaming this all at one point. Everything looked like a cartoon, people looked like they were sculpted from clay and my visual-spacial recognition system was so completely destroyed I couldn't move my eyes anywhere or track anything across my field of vision without a gigantic and long-lasting smear that persisted for sometimes minutes after I took my eyes away from it. I've made tremendous progress since that time and I attribute most all of it to abstaining from drugs and living a healthy lifestyle, especially with regards to eating habits. I don't know what to tell you other than you're not alone, many people here have suffered from intense HPPD and DP-DR and that 1.5 years is nothing in terms of recovering from HPPD. Also, I've been to so many dark places and thought I'd never make it out alive. I don't know how many times I've contemplated suicide, but I've always pulled through, always somehow found a way out and kept on pushing. After two years I'm so happy I did. Though I still have HPPD it's gotten so much better, especially after transforming my diet, and I'm finally in a place where I'm OK from day to day, which I never could say until now. HPPD is a very long road and a very strenuous fight, but as others have already pointed out life is worth living even if difficult. You just need to give yourself time.
  2. 3 points
    @Saff I remember the point in my life when I realized "this isn't going away". It's really hard to come to terms with having this disability (In my case, I consider it a disability). I also remember the.point at which I decided that it wasn't going to get the best of me. I think that determination is in all of us if we can find it within ourselves. Understand that you can live a good life even with hppd. Sorry to sound so preachy. Part of being old I guess.
  3. 2 points
    me im on acid rn and smoked 6 joints today
  4. 2 points
    For many years I had totally indescribable moving images in my head when my eyes were closed. Like tripping but far more wierd. They were so bizarre I really can't describe it fully. That's the one part of my hppd that went away. I'm not saying my head has totally cleared but it's much better though it took quite a while to heal. Just as a point of reference, I dosed heavily for about 6 years. You are not as you said "fucked in the brain". The fact that you wrote such a coherent post proves you're all there and clearly intelligent . The brain is very elastic and can adapt. I think the best thing to is to stop dosing and refrain from weed to see if things improve. Also, even with this condition you can live a wonderful and productive life. I mean that! Hang in there!
  5. 1 point
    Hey everyone, decided it might be a good idea to ask some people who have it and see their opinion so here goes. About six to seven months ago I went on this spree of taking shrooms non stop, I bought about an ounce of them and ended up doing around half of that in one month I was micro dosing everyday and on the weekends would do about an eighth on Saturdays and Sundays. I did this for around a month and even some time after that I did them around three more times shortly after. I've been a weed smoker for three years , smoking constantly everyday probably around two to three grams daily and would mix tobacco with my bowls for a greater head rush also was drinking pretty greatly while I would do this and I did this for around three years. I did mdma/Molly once with a buddy which has probably been around a year ago. Anyway here's the symptoms and issues I've been experiencing since then. •dizziness •head pressure and tension type headaches(mostly around the scalp,eyes and ears) •tinnitus •pretty bad dp/dr (gets worse at night) •increased anxiety and panic attacks •bad visual snow/static vision •brightening of colors/color intensity •shaky hands and legs(almost like tremors) •constantly feeling like I'm in a dream state / everything looks kinda fake •wavy lines and if I stare at something for like 30 seconds it starts to pulsate or having a breathing type effect to it •depression has worsened •people look sorta strange at the face/distorted including myself when looking in the mirror. •ghosting images/imprints, halos and bursts of like red and purple in my vision in circular pattern, peripheral vision is kinda distorted, colors will tend to look like other colors sometimes(blue will look purple for example) •change in heart beat like palpitations •things appear smaller or larger than they really are That's pretty much the main stuff, I've been having this for a little longer than a month, I've been on amitriptyline for anxiety and headaches and it seems to help a little with the anxiety at night. It's been pretty troublesome and I haven't been able to go in public all that much in fear the symptoms will worsen and I'll panic. Does this sound like hppd? Or something worse? Any advice on how to cope or get better? No doctors seems to really know shit about it around here. If anyone has any tips and pointers on how to deal with this please let me know. It's pretty hard to deal with so far.
  6. 1 point
    Please keep us updated on how the trip was going and the aftermath. I'm interested!
  7. 1 point
  8. 1 point
  9. 1 point
    Hey guys, I was posting over on the HPPD subreddit every now and again, trying to help people out. Someone linked this forum, so I figured I'd pop over here and introduce myself. As many of you know, HPPD can be the cause of much loneliness and feelings of alienation. I've met two people total in my life that also have HPPD, but it's not a topic they were looking to discuss in depth. Just a note, I'm also an alcoholic and addict in recovery with about two and a half years clean. My case started when I was about 22-years-old. My first "real" drug experience (not weed or booze) was what kicked it off. It was my first time taking MDMA. I also took about a .5g of mushrooms as well, which was also my first time. It was fantastic, really. I've dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life, and I thought I had figured out how to fix that problem. On the comedown, I had an episode of intense hallucinations, seeing people who weren't there, skulls flying around the room, blood dripping down the walls, the whole nine yards. After a few hours, my vision returned back to normal, but the event wasn't enough to deter me from overcoming my nature as an addict. After a few weeks, I was back at it, but those early times, I had no consequences, so I wrote it off as me mixing MDMA and mushrooms that first time. Eventually, I started taking molly more and more often, as well as mixing hallucinogens into my repertoire, and the hallucinatory episodes started recurring, taking a little bit longer each time for my vision to return to normal. After a three day binge, my vision never went back. CEVs, recurring night terrors, patterns, colors, things breathing, floaters, trailers, depersonalization, I had the whole gambit in that first year, only having the depersonalization go away after that period. It was rough for sure. Thoughts of suicide were constantly there, just below the surface. I gave half-hearted attempts to seek out help, but there was a part of me that loved the insanity. I loved being crazy. I loved being unique. I backed down off the hallucinogens, cycling through different phases of drugs and drinking, and the HPPD was always there, continually getting worse, always ready to torment me. I believed it was my curse for being such a shitty person. I deserved it. It was my punishment. As my using progressed and my life fell apart around me, my actual insanity intensified. I couldn't drive over a bridge without thinking about driving myself off. I couldn't hold a knife without wanting to jam it in my throat. I couldn't show up for work anymore, so I quit and moved back in with my parents. I thought I would finally have peace, but there was none to be found for me. I drank daily, used cocaine as often as I could buy it, trying to get away from the reality that was always right in front of my eyes. I wasn't even safe from my torment with my eyes closed. I hit my bottom 06/08/15 at 25. I went to treatment for substance abuse, and that was the last time I took an illicit drug. I wish I could say that after staying sober was a fix for me, that it got better right away, but it didn't. I was without my coping mechanisms, so that first year sober was worse mentally for me than my first year with HPPD. I had to relearn how to deal with life, to learn how to approach situations as an adult. Luckily, I learned a lot in that treatment center, and I continually learn more in my chosen 12-step program. I sit here enjoying my new life that has come from deciding to actually do something about my problems instead of wallowing in my misery. I just moved to a new town to be with my girlfriend, started a new job that has more opportunities for me than I ever thought possible, and know a peace that has been a mystery to me, except through chemical manipulation. My visuals are just as intense as ever, CEV, floaters, trailers, etc, but they're just there. They don't define me as a person. I'm waiting patiently for the day, if it ever comes, that I can see like I used to. If not and I have to be secretly trippy all my life, so be it. The one thing that does bother me about my situation is the difficulty I have explaining it to someone else, and that's why you see me here today. You guys know, and there's so much comfort in being around understanding company. - Brendon
  10. 1 point
    Well, you don't need to believe it, just to know it is true. Luck is a concept that easily describes people's misfortune. It would be unnecessary long to really go into detail as saying 1 in 50,000 LSD users will get hppd, because that person is susceptible to it, since he has Gaba or NMDA receptor dysfunction or whatever, which landed him with hppd. People on this forum are really the extremely unlucky folks that took drugs. There isn't a statistic to really point how many people develop hppd, but from how rare doctors encounter it, you might assume that it is rare. I mean, only Dr. Abraham, one guy on the whole planet is studying this? And he is doing this since the 80s, now that's sad and unfortunate to any hppders out there.
  11. 1 point
    hahahaha, how do these myths start? That's a load of shit, don;t listen to whoever told you that. If you got hppd from weed... you will almost certainly get much worse from stronger drugs,