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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

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  1. 3 points
    Keep on fighting mate, I know how hard it is, but you never know what is around the corner. What is your current situation, are you on any meds? PM me if you need anything, even just to rant.
  2. 1 point
    Hi Jason, it sounds like you have a good attitude. That goes a long way in helping one be well. You're also avoiding psychedelics and weed, that is another important step to getting well. You mentioned how your heart rate spikes. I dealt with that for a solid decade. You're practicing meditation. Stick with it! I used to have panic attacks until my doctor sent me to meditation training at a local teaching hospital. It's powerful medicine if you practice. It takes time for the deeper benefits to kick in, but it leveled me out. I practice daily anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes daily, rain or shine. The other thing that helped me was throwing myself into life. Going to school, raising kids, my profession, hobbies, etc. Keep busy, keep focused, keep moving. Perhaps it's worth mentioning, I've never taken prescription medication to treat hppd. I realize medication helps many people in this forum so I'm not knocking it. It just wasn't my path I guess. That, and few doctors had ever heard of this disorder during 80s or 90s. I'm an old guy who took a truck load of psychedelics when I was a kid. I stopped when I turned 20 after 6 years of heavy use. Life can be wonderful even with this disorder. Don't let it define you. Perhaps that's easy for me to say after all the decades I've had to get used to hppd. You mentioned "life is forever". It goes by in a flash. Either that or it just seems that way as the decades tick by. To me, it's gone by fast! I hope what I've written is at least somewhat coherent. Take care.
  3. 1 point
    From everywhere I've read, SSRI's usually make hppd worse )): Klonopin seems to help some. People with hppd usually try to avoid SSRI's as a treatment for HPPD/depression/anxiety. As much as the general public would have you believe, doctors don't know everything. YOU are your best advocate, period! If your doctor is ignoring your symptoms/thoughts/feelings, especially concerning a medication, that's a red flag for sure. Doctors should always have your care in mind, and unfortunately some do not listen. Not saying that is the case, but even before I had hppd I had a doctor like this. My best advice is do your own research, and advocate for yourself. If your doctor doesn't listen to you about what's not working for you, perhaps it's time to look for another one if you're able. Unfortunatlely, doctors don't usually know much about HPPD. There is no exact pathway for a cure medication wise. Ultimately, do your own research and just know it will take time to find what works for you. Try not beat yourself up about how your HPPD came on. Try to focus more on reducing anxiety and focusing on recovery ((: It'll be much better to look forward rather than to be upset about the past, especially something that cannot be changed. Good luck!
  4. 1 point
    Well a little follow up, i am fine and i just got used to the weird patterns i see sometimes and weird fellings. I tried weed again and it was a very nice experience, Peace and good luck to everyone!
  5. 1 point
    Mate ..I’m experiencing cognitive impairments,dementia-like,ptsd like symptoms, eye tracking problems, VS, flashlights ,tinnitus,intrusive thoughts and sounds inside head (explosions) every hour , sort of motion blindness, black outs for split second ,visual processing problems,weird dizziness, weird headaches, head vibration sensation , others shit And I’m developing new symptoms every weeks my quality of life is very poor too and I’m fighting ,what ever is going on u should fight and fight ! I was thinking and fantasizing about suicide many times and i feel u and yes it’s living like hell right now but in the end u will adapt so other things will never bother u anymore .. there are ppl who have ALS , MS and much worse than us and living life what ever is going on . Hugs ? MA
  6. 1 point
    I certainly hope you guys consider otherwise. ? I attempted twice, first ditch being a complete failure and wound me up in a psychiatric unit for over a month. My second attempt I nearly succeeded, waking up 12 hours later after what should have been a fatal dose of heroin. I have to say this, after waking up after that 12 hours... Just opening my eyes and realizing I still had life to live was probably one of the biggest revelations of my life. My life has turned around since then, and I am considering school again and numerous other things which I would have never thought was possible in my situation. I deal with some severe side effects of my hppd, with a concurrent disorder - im diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and schizzoaffective disorder. I used to fly airplanes and had almost achieved my private pilot's license as a kid, and I lost it all to my illnesses. That being said, some times a month or two can change your entire outlook on life. I can't stress this enough; if your feeling suicidal, please go to a hospital, even if you can check yourself into a psychiatric facility or psychosocial rehabilitation centre; the therapy and time spent away from regular life can work wonders for your mindset. All is not lost ?
  7. 1 point
    I feel for you... The combination of mental and physical pain is just unbearable. I really hope the surgery works well for you, you deserve it. But please keep on fighting, you are both great people with an inner strength that not many possess and have helped countless people on here.
  8. 1 point
    Hey, If anyone is interested, please get in touch. Many thanks, Alex
  9. 1 point
    Hey guys, Just wanted to report on what my experience with dosing with both Abilify and Levetiracetam (Keppra) has been like for me. I know most people have had bad experiences with Abilify. What I began noticing back when I was in the hospital, was that after they started me on keppra, the antipsychotics I would take (primarily Seroquel or Olanzapine at the time) would no longer cause adverse reactions to my hppd. They began having what I felt like was their intended effect - sedation. This was strange to me because for example, every time I took Seroquel prior to being on keppra, it would cause an exacerbation in my visual symptoms. With all of that being said; im one of the unlucky ones with HPPD, who upon getting HPPD developed a psychotic concurrent disorder somewhat on par with schizzoaffective disorder. Because I had HPPD I wasnt able to effectively use any antipsychotics to quell these symptoms. So then I remembered that after being on keppra, I was able to dabble with antipsychotics. So I figured I'd talk to my doctor about trying out Abilify. (Aripiprazole) The first 3 days, it made me feel really good and calm, then for the next two weeks it kind of made my HPPD a little but worse. I figured I'd try it out for at least a month before making a final decision. Anyways, that whole hypothesis about keppra enabling the use of antipsychotics proved true for me with Abilify as well. It's been about a month, and basically what happened was that the visual symptoms of HPPD basically got worse for a little while, but then returned to baseline after about two weeks. This is great for me, because IMO Abilify is one of the best antipsychotics out there. What's great is after my hppd returned to baseline, I've been able to keep the antipsychotic properties that Abilify has to offer - which so far is working really well for my psychotic/schizzoaffective symptoms. Just thought I'd post this little blurb, as maybe this could prove useful to those out there who suffer from *just a little bit more than hppd* TL;DR - keppra has allowed me to use Abilify effectively without causing my hppd to become worse, and has been helping my schizzoaffective symptoms while the keppra helps my hppd along side it. ?
  10. 1 point
    I thought i'd start a topic where we can all contribute ways we have made our lives a little better (non medicinal). Get healthy and sober This is the obvious one... quitting drugs, stimulants like coffee, smoking etc.... Then eating healthily and working out really do help alot. Forget the past It is easy to get caught up in a spiral of guilt, anger and jealousy about your current situation. Why did I do drugs? Why did I get hppd? Why are my friends ok? Like all the mistakes and regrets in life... learn from it and move on (not easy, I know). These emotions will just feed the anxiety and hppd. Change your life hppd is at it's worst when we are stressed. It is impossible to avoid all stress, but do what you can to change your lifestyle for the better. If you hate your job, try and change it.... If you hate the city, move out. If your friends don't seem to support you, move on (the real friends will let you back in, when you're ready). These are big, life changing decisions... but hppd doesn't have to stop you making them. Grab your life back hppd can strip you of your ability to do the simplest tasks in life. Retrain yourself to do these tasks. If making eye contact is tripping you out, just slowly do it a little more each day... The more you do it, the more normal it will become. Same goes for all sorts of things... making small talk, going out and about, chatting to someone you are hot for. Your life isn't over This is a key thing to remember. The 1st months and years can be very, very tough... But life goes on. There are numerous people on here that have gone on to have successful educations, careers, relationships and families. hppd is not the end of your life, your dreams or your happiness.
  11. 1 point
    Hey, hope you're doing okay. You seem to be in an okay frame of mind which is great. One thing I cannot overemphasise is to stay away from hallucinogens. I mean it's your choice but I was a regular MDMA user (and hadn't tried any hallucinogens) for a couple years until developing HPPD. I first noticed HPPD visual symptoms from my first acid trip. I never did acid again but continued to do MDMA regularly for a year after that, noticing no difference to my symptoms whatsoever, in fact within that year my symptoms faded to barely noticeable. Then I did magic mushrooms for the first and last time and everything changed, I woke up in a completely different world with my visual perception completely changed, intense DP/DR, etc. I now will never touch any drugs again, very sadly because I loved MDMA. But it is just not worth the risk. It's now been 6 months and my vision is exactly the same as the full-on HPPD onset, if not worse. I'm coping a lot better but there were a lot of suicidal thoughts in the beginning and I would give anything to take back that trip. Having said that you got your symptoms from MDMA so it may be worth avoiding that as well. I know that sucks to hear but it just isn't worth the risk from what I've experienced. Also, funnily enough I was the same as you with MDMA. When I was either really fucked, or coming down from being super fucked, I used to see fluorescent colours on everything and people's skin would look pink with yellow stars on it - something I see now on most people's faces in lowlight. Also whenever I shut my eyes on MDMA I'd have this square in the center of my vision with all kinds of weird, video game, cartoony shit playing through it. No one else who did MDMA with me would have these experiences, I wish now looking back that I could've known this was a sign somehow. Sorry if this is another lecture telling you what you don't want to hear but it really is worth knowing and considering whether it's worth the risks... Hope you're all good!
  12. 1 point
    btw - at the moment it sounds like you are still in a place where you are free to choose your next steps, whereas for me, I had a mental breakdown (after a binge at Glastonbury 1995) that meant I pretty much no longer had a choice... It was either stop drugs or be in a 24/7 psychotic state. Our disorders can get almost infinitely worse and it only takes one session to go to a new level of hell... This is not a scare tactic, just a simple fact. At the very least, give yourself a real, prolonged break of months.
  13. 1 point
    First thing I would address is the "why me" focus. I had a very wide group of friends in the 90s rave scene and we hit it HARD... For some time I had the "why me" focus too, but what became apparent over the years is that the majority had some issues with the drug use, even if they were not quite as obvious as my hppd. Overuse of drugs will get to most people in one way or another, so try and look past the negative feelings that you were one of the unlucky few. I can't add too much more that K.B and Cosmic haven't addressed. I went from getting high in one form or another every day for 2-3 years to drug free overnight and it was very hard, you have to pretty much cut everyone out of your life who is part of the scene (for a while at least)... my friends I drugged with are still some of my best friends now, 23 years later, so it is only a temporary thing, if they are cool, understanding people.(in fact, once I quit, a few others joined me and the group in general realised we'd pushed the limits, though I had to move out of my hometown as temptation was too strong).
  14. 1 point
    Some people get this condition the first time they do psychedelics while some go years abusing drugs before HPPD symptoms appear. You're clearly a member of the latter group which means you're much more invested in the drug culture and will likely find it more difficult to abstain from future drug use, as you allude to above. You really have two choices at this point: Quit drugs and drastically increase the odds of recovering to your pre-HPPD state, or keep doing drugs and keep messing your brain and nervous system up even more. There is no middle ground with this condition. You cannot abstain from drugs most of the time then do acid or MDMA every three to six months, or even once per year for that matter. HPPD is the disassembly of some aspect of the nervous system and brain. Putting them back together takes years and years while tearing them apart takes only a single pill. You have to decide what matters most between your former life of drugs and partying or your future life of inner peace and happiness. Again, you won't be able to achieve both by continuing drugs. This is a decision you must figure out very soon. Most people here will tell you the same thing: Drugs aren't worth it. They are a temporary, hourly high; HPPD meanwhile is often for life. HPPD is a horrific condition that can get increasingly worse with further drug use to the point you wish you were never born. I hope I don't come off as rude but it's important to understand how your life is currently at a tipping point. Once you have HPPD you're already way in over your head. Any further movement in the wrong direction can leave you permanently compromised where as immediate abstinence can potentially save your life. I say "save your life" because this condition can make you suicidal. There are plenty of stories on this site documenting such tragedy. I hope you value your life and happiness more than your current lifestyle that will inevitably end soon enough. It's not too late to turn things around and start new, but if you continue down the path of drugs and partying it certainly will be. Good luck.
  15. 1 point
    so i first realized something wasn't right a week after my first and only acid (or potentially some sketchy research chemical) trip which took place on may 28th, 2017. i was a typical pothead for a couple of years before hand but the stuff has made me feel like i was on acid ever since. about a week after my trip, i took a fat dab which took me right back to my acid experience. After that night i began to experience symptoms of hppd. i would encourage you to look at my post history and read my original post from when i first realized i was experiencing symptoms of hppd. i am making this post because i wanted to shine a beacon of hope for those of you who are experiencing what i wet through over the last 6 months. Here's what i have to say; you are gonna be okay. Its is very shocking to have these changes in your perception of reality. it really is. acid was life changing without a doubt. it changed the way i interpret reality. theres no changing that. i had departmentalization. i still do from time to time, but its something ive learned to live with. my symptoms consist of after images, double vision, floaters, starbursts and halos around lights, patterns and hypnagogic hallucinations before sleep. acid took a crowbar and opened the hell out of my third eye and i wasn't ready for it. i remember how i felt when i was first going through this and i made a promise to myself that if i made it out the other side i would make a post to encourage others to keep trudging through the mud of hppd. Heres the bloody truth. all of the visual symptoms i had when i first got hppd i still have today. they haven't gone away. however, i still do consider myself lucky. Today i feel that i have made great progress in overcoming the burden called hppd that has taken a hold on my life. i am here to tell you that these symptoms do not have to dictate your attitude or the direction of your life. i live with these symptoms and they no longer get to dictate how i feel. Hppd taught me the power of my own will to overcome the negative experiencess that i have in life. it taught me to value what i do have and to not take it for granted. i still have a stable mind and a functioning body, and i will forever be gracious for those things. Basically, if you are coming to this post because you have hppd i really want you to understand that your well being is entirely in your hands. Whether or not your symptoms fade, it is your mind state that really counts and that is the first thing you should be focusing on if you are looking to get better. Everything will be okay. But you have to stay strong in order to achieve that "okayness". Its so easy to get lost in that spiral of negativity but it takes strength to believe in yourself. please if you have any questions leave them below, i will be happy to give you my input. i had a lot to say but i cant organize it all in this post, i know i had a ton of questions when i came to this forum so don't hesitate.
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