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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

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  1. 3 points
    Some if not most of you may know I started a non profit for HPPD and VS with the help of several people with HPPD. After many years of hard work we have a neuropsychiatrist, Dr. Harry McConnell, on board who has taken up the mantle from Dr. Abraham and has designed the only fully comprehensive research study on HPPD. It will cover genetics, autoimmunity and utilize several means of neuroimaging. I’m encouraging all of you to get your family, friends even yourselves to donate toward this study because if something remarkable is found, it will change everything for us as a patient community. http://www.neurogroup.org/donate/
  2. 3 points
    If you think this sounds like a dream come true, you are wildly misinformed. It is not like tripping all the time.. You have no feelings of joy, or insight. Just all the very ugly aspects. Anyone saying otherwise has some very mild form is this. Imagine your strongest trip ever, now remember that feeling when you've come down but you are still fucked up (and remove any feelings of relief that you made it through to the other side)... You're disphoric, depressed, anxious, nervous, paranoid, your mind is starting to make normal thoughts, but something is still very off, your vision is all messed up, but without the joy and insight, it's just an ugly mess. Don't underestimate this illness. I'd literally rather have cancer, or have my arms cut off.
  3. 3 points
    This is quite funny really: "Can i still smoke weed?" "well, staying totally sober is the best bet" "What about spice?" "well, staying totally sober is the best bet, no more drugs of any kind" "Just some coke then?"
  4. 3 points
    Keep on fighting mate, I know how hard it is, but you never know what is around the corner. What is your current situation, are you on any meds? PM me if you need anything, even just to rant.
  5. 2 points
    Just as Jay mentioned, no one can answer those questions. We don't understand the underlying mechanism of HPPD or psychedelics for that matter. If you do your research you'll come across some explanation of LSD or Psilocybin 'mimicking' the role of serotonin in your brain but that's still speculation and probably not the whole picture. Maybe we will fully understand them someday but probably not before we have a better grasp on the brain. The brain is certainly still a mystery. The moral here being when dealing with these substances you never know what you're going to get. And this varies wildly from person to person. It all comes down to what you want out of life; what are your goals, what makes you happy. I can almost guarantee you that drugs will not bring happiness, they do not bring stability and they typically do not promote personal or spiritual growth. I used to be convinced that LSD and Psilocybin were the answer to 'finding myself', uncovering my spirituality and transitioning to a higher level of thinking. This lead me to binging on them (15 hits of acid in one night ) and HPPD and substantial regression which almost cost me my marriage and opportunities that were in front of me. Not to mention my personality. I think the most debilitating aspect of HPPD is the loss of self, the visuals are just distracting and of course bring guilt because they are a constant reminder that we fucked up. But knowing you used to be someone else and not knowing how to go get that back is very strange and depressing. I'm not trying to preach to you. We all have to make our own decisions but there are some things that cannot be undone or will take years to undo. The mystery of the mind is also in how resilient it can be if you give it the proper conditions to recover. So there is always hope! But if you have HPPD now and continue to explore the trippy life it will likely get worse. This is just from experience and the reports of others. The longer you let it get worse the longer it takes to recover and the more difficult it will be. Also on the subject of people dosing more than you: do you really know that they are okay? People are great at putting on a front (including myself) to escape the possibility that things really are not going well. I did just that. Not to say that there aren't people who can responsibly use these substances without problem but what's important is if you can. You know in your heart whether it's time to stop or not. The fact that you're here and seeking help is a great indication that you're mature and care about your life. Think long and hard about whether drugs are worth your happiness. Again not trying to preach but this is something I had to deal with and it's not an easy question. It can become an identity issue, especially when most of your friends are still exploring. You have friends here, please continue to reach out. Life is beautiful, sometimes we just have to step back and realize that. Take care and please keep coming back!
  6. 2 points
    No one can answer those questions.. You might be ok, you might completely ruin your life. It sounds like you got incredibly lucky to come through the other end and have a form of hppd that can be managed. I'd quit while you are ahead. I was in your situation and carried on pushing my luck and got totally fucked over and have had life altering, severe hppd for 24 years now. You say that quitting drugs would suck.... What sucks FAR more is not being able to have 1 moment of the rest of your life with any kind of peace or true happiness. What sucks is not being able to maintain eye contact with your wife as her face swirls and distorts... Or not being able to chat to your parents without crippling anxiety. Or going to a job interview feeling like you are on acid. You'll only realise how amazing peaceful sobriety is when it is no long an option.
  7. 2 points
    As we all know psychedelics work through the 5HT-2A receptor, and one of the features of this is that they disrupt signal coupling in the thalamocortical feedback pathways which basically means it desyncs multisensory data input and stops the ability to discriminate and gate incoming signal flow to the cortex. This destabilization leads to "subtle flickering or pulsing of light intensity; geometric grids and matrices; the perception of halos or auras around light sources; increased luminosity of reflective objects; the softening of line and texture resolution; and the inability to hold sharp focal contrast between foreground and background in depth perception." So it's possible that psychedelics lead to persisting destabilization of this feedback loop giving us some of the symptoms listed here additionally this feedback pathway fills in our peripheral vision and even if it's "the rate of multisensory frame saturation or neutralization was slowed or interrupted by even a few milliseconds, incoming sensation would begin to layer over itself with increasing levels of smoothing, liquidity, and phantom frame echo decaying in the wake of sensation." This may explain why people with HPPD see things move in their peripheral, additionally the fact that psychedelics "stop the ability to discriminate and gate incoming signal flow" might explain visual snow since it's basically the inability to filter out what we'd normally see in our imperfect vision. I have no degree in neuroscience or in pharmacology I am merely making assumptions based on the article I'm reading, If there are any faults in my theories please let me know I would like to improve my knowledge and understanding of pharmacology. Article I'm referencing http://psychedelic-information-theory.com/5HT2A-Agonism-and-Multisensory-Binding
  8. 2 points
    One more important fact is MORE PSYCHEDELICS WILL MAKE IT WORSE! This makes sense and most people here will tell you this. I'm not trying to tell you what to do but you have to be careful. I love tripping but I have lost my right to because I overdid it and that's okay. Trust me on this one; you want to stay away from mushrooms, DMT and LSD. I made the mistake of recovering pretty much completely then years later I started taking mushrooms again and it brought back my old symptoms. Anyway good luck and take care!
  9. 2 points
    As you read through this site you will likely hear similar suggestions from people who have been dealing with this disorder. First off, from what I have experienced and read visuals are not a reflection of 'brain damage' they are likely some optical disorder that we have yet to pinpoint; a sensitivity to light or whatever you want to call it. However the cognitive impairment that I have experienced I am almost certain that it is due to anxiety. Anxiety brought on by the visuals and the regret and guilt they bring. Anxiety is a powerful driver that can be debilitating. So my advice to you is to cut back on the weed (trust me it's only going to exacerbate the symptoms) and make yourself busy. Find a hobby that you can throw yourself into, could be school, instrument, anything healthy. Get plenty of sleep, eat well and exercise regularly. All of these things will reduce anxiety. If the visuals don't go away immediately it's okay, you have to give it time. The important thing is to not dwell on it because there's nothing you can do but try and get better, you can't undo the past. Plus you can take solace in the fact that you're very young and from what I can tell mature since you've identified the problem early. I myself took significant doses of LSD around your age for extended periods and didn't realize I had HPPD for a few years. But once identified I followed the above recipe and eventually they diminished greatly. Please reach out if you have any questions, concerns or just want to chat. Take care and be well.
  10. 2 points
    When I was dosing, I used to dose frequently. Sometimes for weeks at a time. I also never really had a bad trip. You say that dosing so often over a short period of time was irresponsible. Learn from what you've experienced and don't beat yourself up. The important thing is you've learned that, for you, perhaps lsd isn't doing you any favors. As for your experience with cannabis, it's very common. I used to smoke all day every day. Quite suddenly it made me feel dosed, after that I started getting panic attacks. I had to quit all together. I took a pharmaceutical free approach to dealing with this disorder. Then again, I discovered I had a problem back in the 70s and you just couldn't talk to a doctor about using psychedelics. The one time I did the doctor basically told me I got what I deserved. As others have mentioned, take some time off from using cannabis. Let your mind level out and assess how you're doing. Hang in there and take care of yourself.
  11. 2 points
    I too used to take ridiculous doses but my drug was acid. Why did I do it? I just wanted to see what would happen I guess. Go deeper. We were also under the false impression that it was harmless. The handful of times I've smoked weed since I stopped dosing produced panic attacks and a scary psychedelic effect. My brain felt like it was being run by some alien software. Horrid! I think it's great that you reached out on this forum. You're not alone, there's a whole tribe of us who are dealing with this. Understand, there are people in this forum who life happy and productive lives. I've had this disorder my entire adult life but existence has been sweet. Welcome!
  12. 2 points
    Hey man! Greetings! First off, i know this is a scary and traumatic experience and I am very sorry you are having to live with this disease. It is debilitating but i think we can all agree there are a few cool things about it. Maybe. Sometimes. Lol. So, I developed my HPPD after three months of tripping nearly three times a week and then going off to Amsterdam and doing the “strongest shrooms on the planet”— this is what the shop adversities in March of 2018. It has now been almost a year and i am WORLDS bettter. Which is lucky, yes, but not necessarily uncommon so hold onto to HOPE and make sure to TRUST the universe. The only thing that will heal you and help you is quitting drugs completely. I know, this sounds terrible, i get it, I am addicted to many different substances, sadly. Anyway, i do not want to speak so much on myself and rather, more about what you can do to help yourself: -Eat healthy. Fresh fruit, chicken, salmon, smoothies, kale chips and lots of water were my main focuses when it came to food. And still are. I could barely eat the first two months and would have to force food down my throat. But make sure to eat. -Workout. It does not have to be something super strenuous or anything. Go for a stroll in the park or walk your dog or go swimming. -STOP SMOKING WEED. And doing other drugs. I continued to smoke weed for about a week and a half after my trip thinking it was helping me but it was only intensifying my visual snow, floaters, halos and paranoia. -talk to someone IRL (in real life). These forums are helpful but can also be quite disheartening — so go talk to someone. Whether it be a counselor, a friend, honestly anyone. You’d be shocked at how many people are accepting of this disease. It is real and it is valid and there is a lot of info online. Good luck. You’ve got this
  13. 2 points
    I thought i'd start a topic where we can all contribute ways we have made our lives a little better (non medicinal). Get healthy and sober This is the obvious one... quitting drugs, stimulants like coffee, smoking etc.... Then eating healthily and working out really do help alot. Forget the past It is easy to get caught up in a spiral of guilt, anger and jealousy about your current situation. Why did I do drugs? Why did I get hppd? Why are my friends ok? Like all the mistakes and regrets in life... learn from it and move on (not easy, I know). These emotions will just feed the anxiety and hppd. Change your life hppd is at it's worst when we are stressed. It is impossible to avoid all stress, but do what you can to change your lifestyle for the better. If you hate your job, try and change it.... If you hate the city, move out. If your friends don't seem to support you, move on (the real friends will let you back in, when you're ready). These are big, life changing decisions... but hppd doesn't have to stop you making them. Grab your life back hppd can strip you of your ability to do the simplest tasks in life. Retrain yourself to do these tasks. If making eye contact is tripping you out, just slowly do it a little more each day... The more you do it, the more normal it will become. Same goes for all sorts of things... making small talk, going out and about, chatting to someone you are hot for. Your life isn't over This is a key thing to remember. The 1st months and years can be very, very tough... But life goes on. There are numerous people on here that have gone on to have successful educations, careers, relationships and families. hppd is not the end of your life, your dreams or your happiness.
  14. 2 points
    Just try to relax and see how you heal over the next few months... Don't do any more drugs, try to eat well and exercise and just do things that take you mind off hppd (films, tv, books, sports... whatever works)
  15. 2 points
    I bet if you bought up the fact that you are considering suicide, you would quickly discover that you are far from a burden. I've seen too many people kill themselves thinking they are worthless, when in fact everyone around them loves and cares for them
  16. 2 points
    Hey, If anyone is interested, please get in touch. Many thanks, Alex
  17. 2 points
    Hey guys, Just wanted to report on what my experience with dosing with both Abilify and Levetiracetam (Keppra) has been like for me. I know most people have had bad experiences with Abilify. What I began noticing back when I was in the hospital, was that after they started me on keppra, the antipsychotics I would take (primarily Seroquel or Olanzapine at the time) would no longer cause adverse reactions to my hppd. They began having what I felt like was their intended effect - sedation. This was strange to me because for example, every time I took Seroquel prior to being on keppra, it would cause an exacerbation in my visual symptoms. With all of that being said; im one of the unlucky ones with HPPD, who upon getting HPPD developed a psychotic concurrent disorder somewhat on par with schizzoaffective disorder. Because I had HPPD I wasnt able to effectively use any antipsychotics to quell these symptoms. So then I remembered that after being on keppra, I was able to dabble with antipsychotics. So I figured I'd talk to my doctor about trying out Abilify. (Aripiprazole) The first 3 days, it made me feel really good and calm, then for the next two weeks it kind of made my HPPD a little but worse. I figured I'd try it out for at least a month before making a final decision. Anyways, that whole hypothesis about keppra enabling the use of antipsychotics proved true for me with Abilify as well. It's been about a month, and basically what happened was that the visual symptoms of HPPD basically got worse for a little while, but then returned to baseline after about two weeks. This is great for me, because IMO Abilify is one of the best antipsychotics out there. What's great is after my hppd returned to baseline, I've been able to keep the antipsychotic properties that Abilify has to offer - which so far is working really well for my psychotic/schizzoaffective symptoms. Just thought I'd post this little blurb, as maybe this could prove useful to those out there who suffer from *just a little bit more than hppd* TL;DR - keppra has allowed me to use Abilify effectively without causing my hppd to become worse, and has been helping my schizzoaffective symptoms while the keppra helps my hppd along side it. ?
  18. 2 points
    People link floaters with hppd because, at onset, they are constantly monitoring their visual field and start to notice the natural things too. I had floaters since about the age of five. If they are problematic, you can get surgery that blasts them (they come back after a few years) Glad the flashing has stopped for you
  19. 2 points
    My symptoms were very very mild before the full blown hppd. Slight trails, halos. However, whenever I would smoke weed I would basically start to full on trip -- I had visuals similar to a low dose of mushrooms. I even had mild auditory distortions. Yes, I was smoking weed before the 'full blown hppd'. I only have moderate hppd I believe -- and for that i'm grateful. I didn't know I had hppd before I had my acid flashback smoking weed. I read your introduction post & in my opinion if you do have hppd, it's very mild. Stay away from all drugs, even nicotine if possible, and I'm guessing it'll go away. Not an expert by any means but it does seem extremely mild & that's my best advice. STAY CLEAN. Don't make the mistake many ppl did on this forum and push your limits ( including me ). You have the warning signs, now listen to them! Best of luck to you ((:
  20. 2 points
    Meth will make your life worse
  21. 2 points
    It's a bit like trying to cure a gunshot wound by firing another round into it. I've tripped post hppd and it made my visuals worse.
  22. 2 points
    Delucid is a complete moron. I wouldn’t listen to him and it seems like he is trolling. Thanks for opening up. I thin you should let your family know if they will be understanding, that way you will have help if you need someone there for you. The only reason really to see a doctor is if you feel like you need benzos which is typical if you experience terrible anxiety as a symptom. Other than that there is nothing they can do for you. Lemon balm in my experience was a decent supplement to help with the anxiety.
  23. 2 points
    Interesting post, I remember a similar post a while ago, but never as well researched. It certainly works for me in the very short term, but i'd never thought of trying long periods over months. Something I will now be trying. Onemorestep raises a good point about trying this in VR. Having complete immersion could be really helpful. I will research if this is available, if not... I will try to make a 360 video to try.
  24. 2 points
    Hello, I hope you are well. I contracted HPPD about 8 years ago from acid had a period of abstinence in which it almost entirely went away with the exception of the occasional 'flare up' usually when I was feeling anxious. I then had a period of 7 strong mushroom trips in about 7 weeks that seem to have brought it back to some extent so i am stopping psychedelics for now. I too am very interested in their mechanisms, applications and pretty much everything about them. However they CAN induce a detachment from reality which scares the shit out of me. Life is amazing and for a time psychedelics made me feel this in a deeper fashion however there were breaking points where I felt like I wasn't myself, detached from everything and everybody. This is not where I want to be. Be careful. My advice would be to take a long beak and see if things get better. Exercise, sleep and meditation are excellent tools to use to get out of the funk. It sounds like you just have visual distortions and not DP/DR; I think that's a much more manageable situation than what a lot of other people are facing. Quit while you're ahead before you lose your sense of self and place in this world. Also I think that it can lay 'dormant' within your brain, in which it is susceptible to reactivation. The moral being if you think you're 'healed' and go back to tripping the previous effects can come roaring back. I have gained a lot from psychedelics however I paid some prices, I think that for a while I was deceived into thinking that they were the answer. I really don't think they are the answer to anything. They do allow you to see beyond yourself and feel/know there's something greater than you out there, that we are all one and love is paramount to everything. However, these conclusions and facts exist independent of drugs and can be realized through meditation and mindfulness. There's a great quote from Allan Watts about the use of psychedelics "...when you get the message you should hang up the phone" Anyway I wish you the best of luck, take care.
  25. 2 points
    I started dosing young, just prior to my 14th birthday. I went through some rough and stressful years after I stopped when I was 20. You said "May we all find happiness again". After heavy dosing for six years, I didn't think I could be happy again. The chemicals that kept me fueled through my teens were no longer working and I realized that I had done some damage to my mind. It took some years of hard work, but I found happiness again. There's nothing special about me. I'm just an average human, but now I'm happy. It took focused effort, setting goals and not giving up. I think the hardest part was realizing that because I'm human, I'm flawed, but now I'm OK with that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that happiness is attainable even when you're in a dark place. One step at a time, stumble, get back up and try again. Take care.
  26. 2 points
    I'm sure we'd all pay $1000s of dollars for a legit cure (I offered the guy $50k for the rights, so I can make it free, if he proved it works... no response). Maybe it's just me though, but as a sufferer of hppd, I just wouldn't even give it a thought to try and cash in. I'd do everything in my power to make it free and available to everyone who suffers this shitty disorder. Anyway, as dayum says, all he has to do is send a copy to any of the mods to test, can be a watermarked screenshot. If it worked, i'd find a way to let the guy get rich and let everyone have it for free.
  27. 2 points
    I've flown 100s of times with hppd... Doesn't effect my symptoms at all. Have a good time, Sweden is a great, hope you meet Zlatan! He's a legend
  28. 2 points
    For work I travel to the Czech Republic roughly every three months. The first trip anywhere, for anyone, can be anxious. Most of the people you encounter in Europe speak english. If that's your primary language it shouldn't be a problem. Just relax and take it as it comes. Keep reminding yourself everything will be ok. The world has gotten smaller and foreign lands are familiar. In Prague Starbucks is a common sight. Traveling on a plane can be an anxious experience. I load music that I love on my phone and try to forget where I am. Yes, planes are weird, but they're very safe. Airports a just a pain in the ass, but if you stay calm, they're easy to navigate. Enjoy your travels. Having this disorder doesn't mean you can't have a wonderful journey.
  29. 1 point
    The University of Sussex, UK, is recruiting participants aged 18 or over to complete an online questionnaire relating to the visual symptoms associated with visual snow syndrome and hallucinogen persisting perception disorder (HPPD). To participate you should experience the visual symptoms associated with visual snow syndrome and/or HPPD. The questionnaire will take approximately one to two hours to complete, depending on the number of questions you answer and the detail of your responses. It will include answering some questions about what visual symptoms you experience alongside on-screen illustrations of those visual symptoms. You will also be asked about how your visual symptoms impact your life. Other questions include those which ask about some aspects of your medical history. The questionnaire must be completed either on a laptop computer, a desktop computer or an iPad. To complete the questionnaire, please visit: https://universityofsussex.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_blrsONUZAQ19BGZ Some extras: - You can complete the questionnaire in more than one sitting so long as you have cookies enabled and return to the same browser on the same computer. Your progress is automatically saved when you continue to a new page within the questionnaire. Your partial responses are saved for one week. - We are carrying out ongoing research on visual snow syndrome and hallucinogen persisting perception disorder at the University of Sussex. This is the first of a series of questionnaires which will be released over the coming months. It’s really important for our research that we receive a high number of responses, and so I would encourage you to complete this questionnaire if you are able to!
  30. 1 point
    The Visual Snow Syndrome study carried out by Dr Goadsby is close to starting a treatment phase of research . Yesterday Jen Ambrose posted an update ongofundme : https://www.gofundme.com/visual-snow '' Hello Eye on Vision Supporters!I'm sorry that there was such a long delay in hearing from me, but I sustained an eye injury in Feb and am only recently returning to limited computer use. I do have an update from London to share with you. Patients have begun to be qualified and scheduled for testing. Scans are scheduled for May and June at King's College. This is an important phase of research, because what is learned from these scans will determine how we enter into a treatment phase of research. Without this phase of research, we will not be able to proceed to medication testing. With that being said, I've been approached about funding for Dr. Puledda's salary for another year. Dr. Puledda works under Prof. Goadsby and is the primary doctor assigned to the Visual Snow research at King's college. As stated in previous updates we need approximately $70,000 USD per year to employ her. Currently we have only raised $20,000 USD which is a far off sum from what is actually needed to secure her. Almost all of you reading this who have VS have likely undergone an MRI. You have likely seen the very high bill to your insurance, or you have paid out of pocket. It's not uncommon to see bills over $1000. We are very fortunate that King's College covers all of these costs towards VS research. We need to assist them though by being able to pay Dr. Puledda for her time and efforts on our behalf. We would love for you to become a monthly donor and help us achieve our research funding goals. You can sign-up as a monthly donor here:http://eyeonvision.org/donate-to-the-eye-on-vision-foundation.htmlThank you, Jen Ambrose Please everyone make donations!! I know you guys got visual snow syndrome from drugs ( just as the forum info section itself says : drug induced visual snow syndrome ) but the symptoms are the same . A cure could be on the horizon if we start making donations!!! I've posted links about few other rare diseases that have found cures( or are close to finding one) purely by making large donations and not giving up . This is what patient determination and donations can do : https://www.hippocraticpost.com/innovation/gene-therapy-nervous-system-disorders/ https://www.technologyreview.com/s/603832/determined-parents-are-moving-the-needle-on-gene-therapy/ there are some other articles I came across a while back but I don't have the time to search for all of them again . However I hope that the above articles will inspire you to make donations for the visual snow syndrome research. It's the only option we all have left now !!!
  31. 1 point
    I was doing ok until I developed low back and pelvic pain. Shit changes as you get older and with it coping mechanisms.
  32. 1 point
    Did some LSD in the Navy during 1972 and then several days later, had a flashback of the trip. Never actually came down all the way...I seem to have gotten stuck. I spent the first 5 years frightened and anxious. Lots of alcohol. Lots of snow and tiny dots in front of my eyes. Things move in front of me, much like floaters. I think the roaring in my ears is the worst. Lots of noise. Never quiet...hard to sleep. Parts of my body seemed disconnected. Don't actually register. I could see my arms and legs but, never felt them in space much...if that makes sense. I think the hardest part is knowing there is something wrong with me. This seems to undermine my shaky sense of self. Loss of self esteem and worth...depression...worthlessness. Removes confidence. Never really found any medical staff that had a clue. I've continued to spend much of my time deconstructing my entire childhood in the hopes I could find some emotional relief. Extremely helpful as my anxiety levels have been reduced, but never enough to eliminate symptoms...although after 45 years there has been some lessening. I've tried most of the anti anxiety medications. Most simply knock me out or rot my stomach. To be honest the only thing that has ever given any relief was alcohol. I eventually stopped drinking so much because it never stopped the symptoms. The best part seemed to happen the next day. I usually felt better. Still happens. There is some relief, noise lessens, things 'look' clearer, skin feels a bit more like skin instead of many layers. Symptoms return, but I often feel slightly better...not sure why, but in an effort to keep my liver functioning, I can imagine it's the answer. I try ever 5 years or so talking to someone in the medical profession, but never really gets me anywhere. HPPD isn't really on anyone's radar and most physicians seem to that have difficulty admitting they don't know the answer, or that I might have anything useful to say, etc. Anyway, I'm writing simply to introduce myself and share another experience with HPPD. It's good to know there is finally a site where people can go and share/read other experiences. Thanks
  33. 1 point
    Sorry man but almost everyone here will tell you that weed is not good at all for hppd sufferers...there are a lot of topics about this on the forum. Take care man
  34. 1 point
    Hi there! It definitely sounds like you have HPPD. Welcome aboard. I've also had HPPD for around 5/6 months now, and I know how tough the first few months are. You can feel really scared and alone, and before I got used to it I didn't know what to do. Thats where the forum comes into play. People on here can really help you feel better but also just... less alone. And that's important. My first bit of advice is to just stop smoking weed (if you are still doing that). It's a drug that does not mix well with HPPD, and can not only trigger it (it triggered mine) but make your symptoms much worse. Quitting weed is for the better! The first two weeks or so after during withdrawal feel so horrible, but after that, it's a lot better. Quitting all other drugs is also beneficial, both the hard stuff and even stuff like caffeine or nicotine. I also have the sleep disorder stuff. I had very vivid lucid dreams for a few months, but the medication I'm on helps a lot! It's called clonidine. I have a much easier time falling asleep, and my dreams are less vivid and less terrifying as well. It's a blessing. I also take lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer that most other HPPD-ers find doesn't irritate their symptoms. However, medication is up to you and some people prefer to go without. I've also heard klonopin helps. Although they can't solve your visuals, they can help a lot with the emotional symptoms. I'd recommend seeing a doctor if you can find one that'll listen to you. I know it sounds crazy, especially now, but it'll become normal after a while. Please look more at the forum for coping mechanisms and possible supplements that might help you live day to day. But keep in mind, everyone with HPPD is different. Thing that work for others might not work for you, or the other way around! Keep experimenting and keep your head up. We're all in it together. I hope you start feeling better soon ❤️
  35. 1 point
    I realize this thread is old, but I found it through a Google search and registered to thank VisualDude for creating the post. I also thank him and everyone else for the many pages of questions and comments. While I do not have HPPD, I have other challenges and spent the past several years visiting doctors, having lab tests, and spinning my wheels with little progress. One of my lab tests (NutrEval Plasma) reported I'm low in B-vitamins -- particularly B1. Though I've tried various methylated B-complex products (I have a single C677T gene mutation), I've never noticed any benefit. After reading this thread, however, I'm planning to try the Bio-3B-G product from Biotics Research. Though I have no idea if the product will make a difference, at least I have something new to try. Doing something is usually better than doing nothing. So, I now have something for which to be hopeful. From what I've read, this is a pretty amazing forum with some really smart, supportive, and caring people. I wish you all health and happiness. Sincerely, Simon
  36. 1 point
    Hi Vladchik, I've read that some people completely lose symptoms even after stopping keppra, and I've read of an individual who says if he stops taking the keppra that the visuals come back. If it were me taking keppra, and my visuals completely went away, what I would do is continue to take keppra for another year or two years after my visuals went away, and then slowly reduce my keppra dose to see if my visuals have gone away completley.
  37. 1 point
    Great post, thanks. Just to add to the clonazepam section.... Here is a system that I use which allows a lot of relief with minimal risk of addiction/tolerance (it's worked now for 10+ years). I use a 4 days on, 3 days off benzo treatment with 14 days off every 3 months to further clean the system: Clonazepam (1mg) - Thursday 6pm Clonazepam (1mg) - Friday 9am Clonazepam (1.5mg) - Saturday 9am Clonazepam (1.5mg) - Sunday 9am Please note that if I feel ok on any of these days and have no social situations, I often skip the dose that day. And, of course, you could pick and choose any days, but they need to be in blocks, eg, mon, tue, wed, thu. This works for me, but tread carefully as these are crazy addictive drugs... Maybe try 3 on, 4 off first and never skip the 2 weeks off part. This is essential to test your tolerance and addiction.
  38. 1 point
    Fentanyl won’t make your hppd worse, and the anaesthetic they will use will typically be sedating in nature, perhaps a barbiturate. Both of these classes of med will make you feel drowsy and droopy but typically won't negatively affect your HPPD.
  39. 1 point
    I've already been doing this, so great to hear you think that's a good idea... I've been somewhat treating my hppd like a brain injury. Trying to just get lots of sleep, avoid stress, and relax. I've noticed lots of deep sleep seems to improve my symptoms, even just for the day. Thanks again ((:
  40. 1 point
    Dizziness can be due to an inner ear problem or some other physical issue that can be identified. Your dizziness may have nothing to do with mushrooms or MJ. As I'm sure you're aware, panic atracks aren't uncommon with the hybrid bud available today. I mean 20 percent plus THC? Yikes! The stuff we had back in the early 70s was 2-4 percent and even that could send a soul into a tailspin. Go to the doctor and get the dizziness checked out. To combat other symptoms, avoid any psychoactive recreation and you might level out after a while.
  41. 1 point
    Thank you for posting. First off, I'm not a doctor or an expert in hppd. I'm just an older person who has had it for a long time. A lot of people have panic attacks from smoking weed. The weed that's available today is SO powerful. It's no surprise that you experienced anxiety from it. I know people who have smoked for decades who won't touch what's available today. Fortunately, you've decided to give MJ a rest. The symptoms may simply be indicators that you're susceptible to hppd. I honestly can't tell for sure. Many of the visual anomolies you describe could be caused by eye fatigue or common eye abnormalities. Us humans don't always perceive "reality" just exactly perfect. Old people like to tell stories, let me describe what I deal with. If I stare at anything, floors, ceilings, trees, clouds, within a few seconds they start transforming into patterns, animal, Aztec glyphs, etc. If I keep staring they start to move and sometimes the colors start to shift. I've had this disorder for almost 40 years. HPPD for sure. People in here describe derealiazation and anxiety that is truly debilitating. Some describe hppd as being on a low dose of acid all the time. Is this the kind of thing you're experiencing? As I said, I can't tell if you have hppd, early hppd symptoms, or if you don't have it at all. My gut feeling is that you don't have hppd. Please understand I'm not trying to minimize what you're dealing with. Anxiety is no joke but, unfortunately, it is part of the human experience in a world that can't seem to rest. This is what I would suggest. Continue to stay clear of psychoactive drugs like MJ, acid, etc. Focus on the things that interest you and that give you joy. Why do I say this? When I'm focused I don't have hallucinations. Staying focused and reaching for goals in life is what saved this psychedelic wreck. Even if you have some early hppd symptoms, and you stay clean, I'll bet life will work out fine and those symptoms will improve. Myself, and others with severe symptoms have careers, raise families, and have found great joy in life. Hang in there and take care of yourself. I hope that helps.
  42. 1 point
    Jesus christ i finished watching 5 minutes ago and my vision is still clear, i am in tears, thank you
  43. 1 point
    Hi peeps, some of you may remember I was posting on here about a year ago.. Last post was probably 6 months ago now.. In my last post I said that "it" had started to decline and I was feeling ALOT better, not really noticing anything on a day to day basis.. So for those who dont know, I had serious HPPD for about 2 years following a lifetime of recreational drug use not to go into to much detail.. Had many symptoms, flares in my vision, movement, colidascope mesh type shit.. paranoia, etc etc... Very dark time... Nothing I would of acted upon but almost suicidal moments... "Oh my god I have fucked the rest of my life" was generally my first waking thought... So, basically I know the drill... Reading through these posts on here and the support people gave me really helped and I wanted to post some news on how things have changed... Basically im am FULLY recovered... Im sorry to say I cant give any definitive conclusion on how this came to be... But as I mentioned in my last post meditation was VERY helpful to me and I still practice it daily. On the whole I am glad I lived through the experience.. It was terrible at the time, I remember that, but the strange thing is I cant really remember how I felt when I had it really badly... I can but its like a bad dentist experience.. You remember it was unpleasant but you dont actually remember the pain.. What I would say is it made me wiser, and calmer, and made me appreciate the the fragile nature of the mind... BUT most importantly it reminded me YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT LIES AHEAD.... If someone could have told me, 2 years from now you will be chilling blazing a big spliff and all that will be a distant memory I would of been fine but alot of the suffering i endured was worry.... "I am going to go completely insane" " will it ever stop".... I know many have not been as lucky as me and I feel for them greatly, but dont ever think you can not recover.. Because you can!!!!!!!!!! Many reports I read said if it last more than a few months you will have it for life etc etc... Well thats not true either... At least not in my case... So to conclude... All those suffering I hope this brings you some hope and inspiration... As I said I dont know what aided my recovery.. But, the things I did do which I feel helped, were MEDITATION!!! Very helpful....Also.... Adrenaline!!!! I do track days and motor sports and I remember even when it was at it worst I never had any symptoms while racing... So... Maybe... The natural endorphins and concentration and adrenaline are beneficial... I know not every one can go racing but some kind of extreme sport or anything that gets you adrenaline going and makes you happy.. Other thing is lay off the weed... I do smoke again now but I stopped for the best part of 2 years and I wish I had not started again, not because it brings on symptoms but just because stopping made me realize how much time i spent on the x box smoking weed eating crisps.. But hey.... Oh and this also helped...Ignore the silly video, just the song.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vW867TrVHA
  44. 1 point
    My advice is to just relax and see where it goes over the next few weeks. Be very wary if a doctor tries to put you on any more meds, especially SSRIs or anti psychotics, which can make hppd worse. It is very likely you will recover naturally, just eat well, exercise, and try to distract yourself from the worry. There is nothing wrong with using the ativan every day for a short period, 2-3 weeks... This might help your body/mind get over the shock of the lsd. But if you don;t need it everyday, even better. Good luck, Jay
  45. 1 point
    This is one of those fads that I have a feeling we'll look back on in a few years and wonder what the hell we were thinking. The reason a lot of people get benefits from this sort of a diet is because for once they're eliminating all the toxic crap they put into their body on a daily basis. You could eat just kale or just oranges and probably get the same sort of results simply because you're no longer ingesting all the hormones and chemicals that are put into our food supply. Don't get me wrong, meat is incredibly nutritious and has all sorts of benefits -- especially for the brain -- but eliminating fresh fruits and veggies is absurd given those foods have absolutely zero negative impact on the body and can only provide more nutrition that our bodies crave to function properly.
  46. 1 point
    Someone on the visual snow fb group posted this . U guys might wanna read it , The person who wrote this believes that we need a combination of gene and stem cell therapy: '' I spend a lot of time researching how our nervous system works and what may contribute to the development of Visual Snow and other symptoms. Remember that there is a lot of vital information that I do not know, and may greatly benefit our understanding of this condition. Visual snow is described as an "epileptic" firing in the visual system in the brain. NMDA glutamate receptors, which are overexpressed after excitotoxic injury may well be the trigger of an increased spontaneous firing in the nerves. In turn, the brain would decode this increased firing as "visual snow" The idea is that remaining nerve endings have been damaged enough to overexpress NMDA Glutamate receptors, thus increasing their spontaneous firing. There are various factors that contribute to the development of this condition. Everybody first had an initial trigger, and this varies from person to person. Common causes include stress, trauma, recreational and prescription drugs, Lyme, mold, heavy metals, and other toxic exposures. But what they all result in is brain injury and neuronal damage. The consequences of such injury doesn't just cause break in communication between healthy neurons, but a cascade of events that can lead to further neuronal degeneration and cell death. That is where visual snow comes in. Think of a broken radio or a TV where it isn't able to receive and process incoming signals so the outcome is a lot of visual/auditory noise. Our brains behave in a similar manner when there is an interference with proper neuron function and communication. I strongly believe there are some genetic components that play a huge role in the development of Visual Snow and makes some individuals more susceptible to developing it. They are unknown as more research will be needed in this aspect. Medical researchers searching for new medications for visual snow often look to the connection between the nerve cells in the brain and the various agents that act as neurotransmitters, such as the central nervous system's primary excitatory neurotransmitter glutamate. Visual snow can be caused when damaged brain cells emit an excess of glutamate. Many treatments use ingredients that work as glutamate antagonists, or inhibitors. Communication between nerve cells in the brain is accomplished through the use of neurotransmitters. There are many compounds that act as neurotransmitters including acetylcholine, serotonin, GABA, glutamate, aspartate, epinephrine, norpinephrine and dopamine. These chemicals attach to nerve cells at specific receptors that allow for only one type of neurotransmitter to attach. Some of the neurotransmitters are excitatory; leading to increased electrical transmission between nerve cells. Others are inhibitory and reduce electrical activity. The most common excitatory neurotransmitters are glutamate and aspartate while the primary inhibitory neurotransmitter is GABA. It is necessary for excitatory and inhibitory neurotransmitters to be in balance for proper brain function to occur. Communication over synapses between neurons are controlled by glutamate. When brain cells are damaged, excessive glutamate is released. Glutamate is well known to have neurotoxic properties when excessively released or incompletely recycled. This is known as excitotoxicity and leads to neuronal death. Excess glutamate opens the sodium channel in the neuron and causes it to fire. Sodium continues to flow into the neuron causing it to continue firing. This continuous firing of the neuron results in a rapid buildup of free radicals and inflammatory compounds. These compounds attack the mitochondria, the energy producing elements in the core of the neuron cell. The mitochondria become depleted and the neuron withers and dies. Excitotoxicity has been involved in a number of acute and/or degenerative forms of neuropathology such as epilepsy, autism, ALS, Parkinson’s, schizophrenia, migraines, restless leg syndrome, tourettes, pandas, fibromyalgia, multiple sclerosis, Huntington's, seizures, insomnia, hyperactivity, OCD, bipolar disorder and anxiety disorders. (Doctors use two basic ways to correct this imbalance. The first is to activate GABA receptors that will inhibit the continuous firing caused by glutamate. The second way to correct the imbalance is use antogonists to glutamate and its receptor N-methyl-d-aspartate (NMDA). These are termed glutamate or NMDA antagonists. By binding with these receptors, the antagonist medication reduces glutamate-induced continuous firing of the neuron. This explains why some drugs like clonazepam and lamictal are able to help relieve symptoms in some patients. They help reduce excitatory action in the brain temporarily) Anxiety, depression, brain fog, depersonalizations, visual disturbances (including visual snow, palinopsia, blue field entoptic phenomenon, photophobia, photopsia) headaches, tinnitus, are all common symptoms associated with increased excitatory activity in the brain. Excessive glutamate is the primary villain in visual snow. Included below is a list of things that can lead to excitotoxicity. The list includes trauma, drugs, environmental, chemicals and miscellaneous causes of brain cell damage. (Keep in mind everybody's bodies behave and react differently to various substances) -Severe Stress (Most people that are stressed out don’t realize that once the fight-or-flight response gets activated it can release things like cortisol and epinephrine into the body. Although these boost alertness, in major concentrations, the elevated levels of cortisol over an extended period of time can damage brain functioning and kill brain cells) -Free Radicals – Free radicals are highly-reactive forms of oxygen that can kill brain cells and cause brain damage. If the free radicals in your brain run rampant, your neurons will be damaged at a quicker rate than they can be repaired. This leads to brain cell death as well as cognitive decline if not corrected. (Common causes are unhealthy diet, lifestyle and toxic exposure) -Head Trauma (like concussion or contusion) MRI can detect damaged brain tissue BUT not damaged neurons. -Dehydration (severe) -Cerebal Hypoxia -Lyme disease -Narcolepsy -Sleep Apnea -Stroke -Drugs (recreational or prescription) -Amphetamine abuse -Methamphetamines -Antipsychotics -Benzodiazepine abuse -Cocaine -Esctasy -Tobacco -Inhalants -Nitrous Oxide -PCP -Steroids -Air Pollution -Carbon Monoxide -Heavy Metal Exposure (such as lead, copper and mercury) -Mold Exposure -Welding fumes -Formaldehyde -Solvents -Pesticides -Anesthesia -Aspartame -MSG (Monosodium Glutamate is found in most processed foods and is hidden under many various names) -Solvents -Chemotherapy -Radiation -Other toxic exposures Inside the Glutamate Storm By Vivian Teichberg, Ph.D, professor of neurobiology "The amino acid glutamate is the major signaling chemical in nature. All invertebrates (worms, insects, and the like) use glutamate for conveying messages from nerve to muscle. In mammals, glutamate is mainly present in the central nervous system, brain, and spinal cord, where it plays the role of a neuronal messenger, or neurotransmitter. In fact, almost all brain cells use glutamate to exchange messages. Moreover, glutamate can serve as a source of energy for the brain cells when their regular energy supplier, glucose, is lacking. However, when its levels rise too high in the spaces between cells—known as extracellular spaces—glutamate turns its coat to become a toxin that kills neurons.* As befits a potentially hazardous substance, glutamate is kept safely sealed within the brain cells. A healthy neuron releases glutamate only when it needs to convey a message, then immediately sucks the messenger back inside. Glutamate concentration inside the cells is 10,000 times greater than outside them. If we follow the dam analogy, that would be equivalent to holding 10,000 cubic feet of glutamate behind the dam and letting only a trickle of one cubic foot flow freely outside. A clever pumping mechanism makes sure this trickle never gets out of hand: When a neuron senses the presence of too much glutamate in the vicinity—the extracellular space—it switches on special pumps on its membrane and siphons the maverick glutamate back in. This protective pumping process works beautifully as long as glutamate levels stay within the normal range. But the levels can rise sharply if a damaged cell spills out its glutamate. In such a case, the pumps on the cellular membranes can no longer cope with the situation, and glutamate reveals its destructive powers. It doesn’t kill the neuron directly. Rather, it overly excites the cell, causing it to open its pores excessively and let in large quantities of substances that are normally allowed to enter only in limited amounts. One of these substances is sodium, which leads to cell swelling because its entry is accompanied by an inrush of water, needed to dilute the surplus sodium. The swelling squeezes the neighboring blood vessels, preventing normal blood flow and interrupting the supply of oxygen and glucose, which ultimately leads to cell death. Cell swelling, however, is reversible; the cells will shrink back once glutamate is removed from brain fluids. More dangerous than sodium is calcium, which is harmless under normal conditions but not when it rushes inside through excessively opened pores. An overload of calcium destroys the neuron’s vital structures and eventually kills it. Regardless of what killed it, the dead cell spills out its glutamate, all the vast quantities of it that were supposed to be held back by the dam. The spill overly excites more cells, and these die in turn, spilling yet more glutamate. The destructive process repeats itself over and over, engulfing brain areas until the protective pumping mechanism finally manages to stop the spread of glutamate." Recent research has confirmed that hypermetabolism has been primarily found in the right lingual gyrus and left cerebellar anterior lobe of the brain in individuals suffering from visual snow. The definition of hypermetabolism is described as "the physiological state of increased rate of metabolic activity and is characterized by an abnormal increase in metabolic rate." Hypermetabolism typically occurs after significant injury to the body. This means that the brain is trying to compensate for the injured areas in the brain by increasing metabolism to meet it's high energy demands. It is trying to function to the best of it's ability under the circumstances. Normally the body can heal itself and regenerate under the right circumstances. But it is extremely difficult for the central nervous system - which includes the spinal cord and brain to be able to do so, due to it's inhibitory environment which prevents new neurons from forming. That is where stem cells come in. Stem cells are an exciting new discovery, because they can become literally any cell in the body including neurons. This is an amazing scientific breakthrough and has the potential to treat a whole host of conditions. Scientists are currently doing research and conducting trials. Excitotoxicity can trigger your "fight or flight" response. If the brain and the body remain in the sympathetic fight or flight state for too long and too often, it is degenerative; it breaks us down. If this cycle continues, then eventually the system burns out. It is this cycle that results in autonomic nervous system dysfunction. The results are disastrous, digestion is shut down, metabolism, immune function and the detoxification system is impaired, blood pressure and heart rate are increased, circulation is impaired, sleep is disrupted, memory and cognitive function may be impaired, neurotransmitters are drained, our sense of smell, taste and sound are amplified, high levels of norepinephrine are released in the brain and the adrenal glands release a variety of hormones like adrenalin and cortisol. I believe in order to find a treatment or cure for VS and it's accompanying symptoms, we need to address the underlying cause, reduce the excess excitatory activity in the brain, repair the damaged neurons, regain proper communication between neurons, rebalance the autonomic nervous system and prevent further cellular damage. We also need to figure out what genes, if any come into play. There is still a lot we don't know about the brain because it is such an remarkably complex organ. ''
  47. 1 point
    Yeah i know. This may sound dramatic but i am always unlucky, and that's why i think it's HPPD in the back of my mind. It could also be a very mild case, or just similar and hopefully temporarily symptoms. Palinopsia/afterimages is really the only symptom i still have, which is weird because palinopsia is always a symptom and not an condition. I asked for help on the bluelight forum and most of them said palinopsia will go away by itself. I just hope this is a short-term thing, and i believe it is because i've seen significant improvement. And probably improvement most people with HPPD would kill for. I also believe that HPPD could be divided in two sections. Section 1: Symptoms: Visual snow, trailing, palinopsia, micropsia and macropsia (Alice in Wonderland syndrome), floaters and possibly photofobia, anxiety, DP/DR. These people are prone to depression and anxiety attacks, highly sensitive minds, strong emotions, fear of never being normal again, worrying it's permanent and blame themselves a lot for what happened. From the research i did i can conclude that this is most of the time not permanent, unless if they keep using psychedelics. The brain has a significant skill of healing/recovering/adjusting itself. Section 2: Symptoms: Morphing objects, breathing walls, crooked lines, flashes, very vivid vision, seeing organisms/demons that aren't there, CEVs, lucid dreaming, very big fear of going insane, everything moves, hard to see depth, weird large spots in vision, feeling of plastic cap in skull, sometimes think it's a cool thing to have these disturbances, feeling of frame rate problems in vision. Could also accompany a lot of the disturbances from Section 1. These people are not always anxious, but that depends on the kind of person. They have very realistic dreams and symptoms seem more like a hallucination. Most of the time not because of a bad trip, but because of large doses of psychedelics. The durance of these symptoms vary, some people notice them diminishing after a few months, some people already suffer from them for ages. I don't believe HPPD can truly be permanent, although there are people who already suffer from it for more than 30 years (I read about a man on this forum that already suffers from this for 43 years). Keep in mind that these trips/drugs alternated your brain in a chemical reaction. That means that another chemical reaction could reverse this. We just need the research and experiments to find a permanent cure. It's a chemical inbalance that just needs to be balanced again. And I consider me having a very similar thing to HPPD (possibly very very very mild HPPD) but i can imagine 100% what you guys are going through. I'm very fascinated by this condition (not really in a very positive way). But i'm motivated to fully recover and find something that may improve life for a lot of people here. I do also believe that a lot of people already have recovered, but don't want to be associated with this disorder anymore, that's why they don't post, they just don't care any more and try to forget what could easily be one of the worst moments in their lifes. Look how many people visit these forums, these aren't all of the sufferers. And the people who suffer the most post, the ones who don't suffer/overcame their suffering/recovered don't post anymore (except for a very small amount of them) because they just don't think about it anymore. For example: you don't find a lot of success stories about Anxiety Disorders/PTSD on the internet, while a lot of people have recovered from this! You should take this in consideration when researching HPPD and reading the horror stories. If you read on official medical websites about HPPD they say these visual disturbances in most cases last from months to years, and in worst case scenario for some people may be permanent. 50% recover in months, 1 in 50.000 psychedelics users get this disorder (don't know if this is measured in years, i think it is). Do the math yourself. How much people are on these forums? These medical websites do need research to back up their arguments, so it's hard to believe that they just post stuff that isn't true. I am in no way a proffesional in this kind of stuff, but when I'm interested in something i'm immediately like really really interested in it. Keep your hopes up! Just keep in mind that recovery is possible. It's just the sacrifices and effort your willing to take, and looooooottttsssss of patience. I know what you're thinking, don't be such a cry-baby because I've only had these symptoms for 1,5 month now and you're already recovering (still don't know if it's HPPD). But it feels like years right now. I wish you all the best, I think I'm going to research this disorder when I'm older. You should see this as a very harsh warning, just stay away from alcohol and drugs, please! That's a big part of recovering. adios!
  48. 1 point
    I tried this for like a week this month. Noticed that (at least for my weird brain chemistry) there was some increase in serotonin. I get sexual side effects from SSRIs that were similar to what this causes. Also when I stopped taking it I had a HORRIBLE time two days later--- feelings of SSRI withdrawal, muscle tension and cramping all throughout my body, extremely decreased motility, extreme depression.... Lasted for a day and then I was much better the next. Except for the motility. I didn't shit without an enema for a week. Now I'm going once every two days which still isn't enough. This could eh unrelated to the compound though unless it triggered one of my HPPD symptoms (gastric issues) Good antidepressant effect though while it's working. Also I was taking VERY low doses. I think I probably ingested between 20 and 40 mg throughout this whole thing (insulfated). I found it to be powerful enough when taken in small increments throughout the day (1-3 mg) First few times I didn't notice much but after a while I would get a sort of rush while taking it. Maybe something I will take in the future sporadically but I'm talking like once a week to prevent whatever happened last time from reaccuring.
  49. 1 point
    When I first experienced HPPD symptoms (DP, DR) I was reading and listening to Alan Watts, who was really good at describing the Tao and Buddhism and Advaita. These developed into obsessive philosophical thoughts, and for a while I thought that I was stuck in an endless cycle of death and rebirth. I thought that consciousness was like some sort of curse, and that consciousness is actually immortality. I figured that since only death can precede life, life must precede death, and so we are reincarnated. Well, if I hate consciousness so much, and I kill myself, this consciousness will just be transferred into another form, and I'm not fixing anything, and there's nothing to fix anyway. I was not suicidal, I was just extremely into these sort of thoughts. These metaphysical ultimate sort of questions haunted me for a while, and still sort of do. Sometimes they would manifest into actual feelings. My panic attacks feel like I'm forever trapped inside of a goddamned endless and unfeeling universe. I know that all I have to do is breathe, and enjoy the flowers and the birds and music, where none of those thoughts even exist, only the joy of whatever I am putting my attention to. My "cosmic consciousness" mushroom experience taught me that no amount of thinking of thoughts can lead to enlightenment, or satori, or nirvana. Thought leading to this thought leading to this thought will never lead to cosmic consciousness. It is the divine within you all the time except unnoticed. Or something like that. HPPD absolutely is a learning experience. I do not think it is just that you ate some mushrooms and now you have all this shit to take care of. I think it is in itself a sort of spiritual crisis, a reprogramming of your sense of self in order to lead a more productive life. I could be wrong, but this is what my intuition is telling me, and I certainly am working to be better than ever before.
  50. 1 point
    Great idea Jay. Yeah number 2 is really tough. Keeping busy so you don't have time to dwell on it definitely helps.
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