Well, my journey with HPPD (and mental illness in general) has come a long way in the two years since I started having issues, and it hasn't really improved.
It feels like I've plateaued in terms of my illnesses. For awhile it was really bad and getting worse, but everything has tapered off some and I'm just kind of stuck at the same level, not really improving nor worsening (though I do feel like I'm getting worse). Through everything my HPPD hasn't improved and if anything, has actually gotten worse. I've learned to live with it somewhat, but it still causes me a lot of distress. I really just want something to actually help. Everything I've tried has failed in one way or another. Even if that something only reduces my symptoms by 10 or maybe 20% I'd be happy. Anything that makes me feel normal, like how I felt prior to 2015, is a plus and so far I've found nothing.
Sure, the clonazepam has helped tremendously with my anxiety, but I've traded one problem for another, namely dependence and tolerance. While I've managed to halve my daily dosage, I'm still dosing daily and I don't want to. Not only that, but the clonazepam is losing it's effectiveness. Before it used to kill all my anxiety, now it just sort attenuates the lingering, daily anxiety and does nothing for circumstantial anxiety unless I pop another tab on the spot (I had two panic attacks on Saturday, both simply because my phone rang and it took me several hours and an extra clonazepam just to get back to baseline).
I'm also getting more and more depressed, and the suicidal thoughts are starting to creep back in. Most days it's a chore getting out of bed to go to class and work. Most days I just want to stay at home in my bed sleeping or browsing the internet. I've lost my motivation and joy. This might just be seasonal though as in the summer and fall I was hardly depressed.
I don't know, maybe it's the stress and pressure of my new job, or some deep seated anxiety about what happens after I get my degree, but I just feel stuck and quite frankly helpless.
Sorry if this wasn't informative or thought provoking, or anything really. I just wanted to vent since I really don't have anyone to talk to, no friends, no therapists (not to mention I think therapy is a crock of shit), no family, no one that I can turn to and just say, "Hey, is it all right if we just talk for a minute? I really need to get some stuff off my mind." I mean, being lonely and not having anyone really gets to you, and your emotions just sort of bottle themselves up and fester. I've got a lot of things pent up inside, but no release and it's just really getting to me as of late.