pickl

Thank you very much for the feedback- yesterday I smoked 4 cigs and today only 2, so I'm on the verge of quitting. Does it take a while to notice how not smoking cigs affects HPPD? I mean I do feel the instant negative effects of nicotine right away on inhale, but even after hours of not smoking, my thoughts are still randomly looping to past events and/or future situations- mostly having to do with work and family. One of my friends told me that THC will take up to a year to detox from your brain- not sure I believe this one or not- I hope its sooner then that. Being a daily smoker since I was 16, I feel like it could take too long to come back to normal if this is true. I have pretty good self control with cigs and weeds, but when the weekends come and my girl and friends are getting all jazzed up, it's so hard to have a good time without following suit- not being able to conversate really really gets the best of me, and then anxiety kicks in and all I think is "I don't want to be here"- so I order another drink. Even when I'm at home, I can't find anything enjoyable- I am starting to think watching TV is no good for the situation either The only time I really seem to find peace is when I am asleep.

I have been dealing with hppd since november of 2013- I have found out since then what chemicals exactly caused it- I mixed some mdma pills, 3 to be exact, with what I thought was LSD25, however, I have found out through the grape vine that the LSD25 was actually 25I Now I am blessed with visual snow, and figures that warp and shift as they please. I have relooping thoughts that just will not end, I can't make small talk with anyone- my interactions with people, including my girlfriend consist of "yes, mhmm, I'm sorry", or an explanation of this problem. My girlfriend has a 6 year old whose father died unexpectedly 3 years ago, and as much as I try to be the surrogate father, I find myself wondering what to say to her, or always telling her not to do something. And I always tell myself, there is no way I am going to be able to handle this the rest of my life. Does anyone on here that has hppd have children? Depression gets the best of me, because before this horrid nightmare started, I was motivated, had all kinds of creative ideas, and could pick up and learn any job very quickly- I work a concrete construction job, and have been at it for the past 4 months- no matter how hard I try, I still have to be told to do something everyday, let alone shown the way- any suggestions on jobs for hppd'ers? Does anyone else have this problem? My sleep is very limited as well- I used to be able to sleep for 12 hours if I wanted to, but now I will get 5 hours at the maximum. I still smoke ciggarettes daily, and cannabis every now and again, it does help with sleep, sometimes- I don't really mind getting drunk on the weekends, it seems to loosen me up a bit, however, it leads to being peerpressured into doing recreational drugs. will completely stopping these help me get my life back? Being a DJ with HPPD has to be one of the worst things in the world! I am serriously slightly ashamed with listening to electronic music now- the depression just makes me not care about any music anymore. I find it hard to even think of exercising unless someone grabs hold of me and says were going- otherwise my only source of exercise is disc-golfing. I have been seeing a psychologist and have tried a few antidepressants and benzos, but Ive decided that no meds are going to be able to cure my "having to be told" situation. I do contemplate suicide every day, just because I know I could be stuck like this for life. The only thing that keeps me hanging in there is the thought of my parents and girlfriend having to burry me- I'm loosing hope and loosing my mind, I just want peace with myself.

I have a constant fuzz as if you were looking at a tv with static, halos around lights. If i look at any sort of wood or carpet parttern it flows in random directions. I have a real problem with racing thoughts of how independet and well off I was before my incident. I struggle with having to ask everyone in my life, wether it be at work- I forget things easily and can't seem to stay focused or am too scared to put someting in the wrong place. once I complete an easy task of putting scrap metal away, and have been instructed to pick up another area, or paint this or that, I have to ask 5 questions before I am able to attempt the task- then while performing the task, I wonder if I am doing it right or thinking of other struggles in my life. After i complete the task, i am informed it was not done to standard eventhough someone showed me how to do it properly. My condition was brought on from mixing what I presumed to be lsd and mdma- the night that I did this, the next morning, I was informed that my aunt had passed, and I hadn't vistited her while she was ill. So alot of guilt, and depression came from this, however, I do believe my persisting anxiety, depression, derealization, and depersonalizeation are strictly from the mixing of the two substances. Note: I had been an avid lsd and mdma user before hand, but was able to recover and be myself everytime after use- The doc tried me on fluoxitine, cytalopram, nortriptoline for sleep, and I am now on clenazipam- prior to seeking medical help, I tried lorazapam, which seemed to work for a few weeks as far as keeping my mind at work and not having racing thoughts, however, I do not want to have to go through dependency and withdrawl- i want to figure this out ASAP before I go completly bonkers and screw up my life more than it is. I am starting to realize, benzos only help the anxiety, insomnia, and some of the depression- Im starting to loose hope with meds, and would really like to talk to someone who is experienced in dealing with this disorder.

Hello HHPD community- I am Pickl, and I have been with this unfortunate disorder for around 4 months now. I sought medical help in early January due to increased fits of depression, anxiety, and losing my ability to function normally at work. I joined this community because I hope to find the right people to talk to about this ongoing madness that just seems not to decrease in severity. The medical help I have sought is through a free clinic as I do not have insurance at the moment, and so far I have tried 4 different medications that all seem to not have any effect. My biggest issue with HPPD is my disocial disability, and the worry that I may never be able to function in this world properly again. I am a concrete construction worker as current, and am laid off due to the deep frost of the 2013-14 winter- This job is proving to be suuuper stressful and before the lay-off, every day became worse and worse with insomnia. I would ask too many questions and needed help with everything. I know that everyone's case is different, but I am very interested to compare stories and try to find out what I have to do to keep a steady job, manage a family, and still be able to laugh and have fun with life. NOTE: I have had many thoughts of suicide since the inciting incident in November of 2013, however, I am not actively suicidal due to the hurt I know it would cause my friends and family.