Year2

Me? Yes, I 'got' HPPD in 1981. I had bad DPDR for two years or so, but honestly I was still taking drugs far longer than I should have. After a few years it reduced to nothing and steadily improved. These days I'm of the opinion that I always had issues with depression, anxiety and probably OCD. I should never have taken drugs. If I hadn't got HPPD I think I'd be dead. It was a wake up call. My advice is to exercise, get healthy and treat symptoms individually. If you're anxious treat that. I'm also of the opinion that there's something masochistic about the condition. I'm a terrible worrier and if you obsess about the condition it makes it worse. Having said that, the DPDR combined with panic attacks and sudden social anxiety was awful. But I worked on myself in the end, and took myself, as I was at that time as a starting point. I mourned my previous self but it's self-defeating. Positive thinking is an amazing thing.

The DPDR goes away.

My advice is to forget the HPPD title and recognize that you are depressed and anxious. A huge swath of the population has similar stuff. If it's any consolation I had this for about 25 years before I found the name for it online. Pre internet, I had no idea if I was schizophrenic or brain damaged or whatever. I was amazed to find there were others with the same symptoms. The best cure for depression and anxiety is activity. Get on with your life, exercise and the panic etc WILL subside. Accept your present self and work on that.

I've had it for 36 years. The first couple of years were really bad but it does get better. I've said this before elsewhere, but I imagine we all get this at a very young age and it's hard to determine how much of the early angst is HPPD or just growing up, which is hard on most people. Also, despite my mourning of my previous self early on, if I'm honest I had suffered from depression and anxiety before drugs. For me things started to get better when I accepted my present self as myself. We all have growing up to do and, as a 55 year old I'm still growing and facing up to my behavior. Excercise is the best remedy in my opinion. And anything else that gives you a feeling of self respect and pushing on with your life. Everyone has their issues. The visuals become barely noticable. It's the obsessing over this and the past that's damaging. Treat the symptoms individually, not as a whole. If you're anxious, treat the anxiety. Don't kid yourself that a pill will cure this. That's how you got here in the first place. Get healthy. Good luck.

Hello mate. I would say you've definitely got HPPD. Like you I had it a long time before putting a name on it. I've had it for 35 years. There are good times and bad times. It is a curse but I've survived and it's a strange consolation that I see so many 'normal' people on SSRIs and drinking themselves to death. PM me if you'd like to compare war stories.

At the onset of HPPD (1981) I tried excercise and particularly running. After about 5 minutes I'd get a blinding headache in my temples accompanied by a throbbing black blindspot in the centre of my vision. I took up running about 10 years later which was fine, though the blindspot sometimes reappeared. About 5 years ago I was working out at the gym with an instructor. I got the blindspot, told her I needed a rest. I told her what was happening and the blindspot grew and grew until her whole face disappeared. The next thing I knew I was in an ambulance. Someone who was there who has a sister with epilepsy said I had a grand mal seizure. I'm very careful now when I excercise but this has been persistant. The throbbing in the blindspot moves with my heartbeat.

Well I'm in my 50s and I object a bit to being classified by someone here as 'old' However, having had this thing a long time, I can say that one of the positives is mental strength. I've never read of anyone who gets completely lost in the condition to the point they're roaming the streets ranting. Aren't we all aware that the symptoms are unnaturally imposed? One of the annoyingly persistent traits for me is a weird innability to talk properly that I get for a week or two about once a year. I realize now that it'll just pass and that I have to tough it out and it'll pass. Those with dementia are unaware of it. I have become somewhat absent minded the last couple of years but everyone my own age that I know has. As far as worrying about it goes, it certainly isn't worth it. Worry has been another lasting curse but fuck knows if it's HPPD or if I just have general anxiety. It runs in my family.

I'm guessing that you're both fairly young. I was 19 when I got this (I'm 54 now). One of the hardest things is that we change a lot as we grow older and the transition from teen to adult is difficult anyway. I think most of our hearts harden as we grow up but, to be honest, I see lots of fake empathy from people every day. 90% of it actually. I saw this girl recently go "Oh no! That's so awful for you!" when someone told her about the death of a relative. The girl never looked up from her cellphone. So don't feel too bad. But, I do think it's important to feel a sense of right and wrong. One thing I only recently recognized in myself (and I think due to HPPD) is my highly developed bullshit detector. I can spot pretention from a hundred yards and it's weird that I kind of know what games people are playing. Whenever I express these opinions to others it often sounds overly negative or paranoid, so I tend to shut up about it. But I've come to recognize it as a kind of unfortunate skill. Thus, I actively like, or love very few people. But those I do are well within my heart.

Having a job will force you to come up with the goods. I find it the best therapy. I'm a teacher and I just can't be anxious or depressed to teach. The worst symptom I still get about once a year, is periods of not being able to talk without slurring my words. No idea what that's about. I used to lecture in art history and a couple of times I got minor panic attacks wondering how I'd get through it. But I always did and it's satisfying to know that you can tough it out. The dp/dr goes away which is a good thing as it's the pits. Depression is rooted in going over the past, anxiety is fear of the future. Live in the present, stay off all drugs and learn to love and respect yourself. The latter is not a magic wand and every person has to do it. As a university teacher I've had dozens of kids come to me with sob stories of bi-polarity, depression etc. The hard fact is, that the world moves on and we can't expect people to feel sorry for us. Mental health has come a long way in some respects since I got HPPD. I went to my local GP 30 years ago and told him of my anxiety, depression and sense of hopelessness sometimes. He basically told me to grow up and get over it. I wanted to scream at him at the time, but basically it's sound advice. He was of a generation that came back from WWII, possibly suffered from PTSD in silence and had to live with it. My greatest fear was people thinking I was 'mental', which becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. I believe that I have a very self-destructive streak which I'm aware of and have to temper. I think I did before HPPD and I think that's part of what brought it on. I wonder how true that is for others? Another thing to consider is how many millions of 'straight' people are medicating themselves on drink and a whole host of pills. Why are their lives so awful? It amazes me on these forums the amount of people looking for a cure, or relief in more drugs, legal and otherwise. You can't put something in without taking something away. Clean living and self-respect are the only way. I hope this doesn't come across as a lecture. Just my musings after all this time.

Hi Zandzager. My advice is to get a job and tough it out. To me, the worst mentality is to put your life on hold until you're 'better'. I've had this thing for 35 years, though I don't think about it much anymore and the symptoms are barely noticable. Like it or not, it's now part of 'you' so you have to move forward. It sounds like your symptoms may well disappear but be strong and be ambitious. Most of us (all of us?) get this when we're very young. I was 19. I mourned my previous life too much at first, but the fact is, we all have to grow as adults and adulthood is hard for everyone, especially those who have been living a hedonistic (some would say selfish) lifestyle. The person you want to be lies ahead of you, not behind you. Much luck mate.

You're welcome.

Hello there. I rarely come here but I'm 54 years old and have had HPPD since I was 19. The first 2 years were hell. I'm not sure if the visuals/dp etc improved or I just decided I wasn't going to let it beat me and I had things to do in life. The visuals are still there whenever I want to look for them but you know, it's me. I took too many drugs and I was unlucky. After 2 years of having it and suffering unbearable panic attacks I decided to change my attitude. Probably the worst thing was the feeling of loss. Of looking at a clear blue sky. Of liking myself. But I decided that the person I had become after HPPD was the person I'd have to live with and work on. And that helped. I'm a teacher, good public speaker, visual artist, musician. I'm proud of my achievements. And the person I grieved for initially got me into the mess so I'm glad I'm not him anymore. The most lasting things have been depression and anxiety. But honestly, I think they were there before the onset and probably caused the fucking thing. I've always been very, very obsessive. I hate to sound like an old fart but...I lived with this without knowing if anyone else had it, or being able to put a name to it until 6 or 7 years ago. Thanks to the internet I now realise that the symptoms are uncannily similar in everyone. If anyone wants my advice, get on with your life and do the things you want to do. Don't wait until you're 'better'. Think of yourself as an anxiety sufferer and a depressive. Millions get these. The visuals are annoying but they don't get worse. Excercise. Do things to make yourself proud. At my very worst 35 years ago I couldn't form sentances and sounded like a stuttering drunk. These days I can lecture to packed classrooms. I couldn't have dreamed of this. Good luck on your journey. Remember that life is difficult for everyone.

This may be old news but this was published in the magazine back in May 2013. http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/elements/2013/05/a-trip-that-lasts-forever.html

As I said, that's admirable but if you see your life in a negative light until that happens, you may waste much of it.

I have 'had' HPPD for 32 years and I completely agree with this poster. I don't come to this forum very often - about 3 or 4 times a year, mainly to see if there's been any progress and also to lend support to anyone who may have just 'got' this often confusing thing. For the first 2 years I did the usual round of eye doctors with the same results you've all had. I tried dozens of homeopathic medicines. For anxiety a doctor gave me Valium. Getting out of it on further chemicals isn't going to do it. In the end I realized that this was now 'me'. You can't go back to the 'real you'. I had a tendency to look back on my glory days as a late teen with rose colored specs, but the period I was looking at, I was usually out of it all the time on various substances. And why exactly was I self medicating anyway? The only way through is forward. Do what you want in life and face it down. It's really not easy for anyone and a large percentage of the 'normal' population are miserable and hopped up on anxiety/depression meds and/or drinking every night. Society offers us very little. Marriage/house/cars etc...are the carrots most people chase endlessly without getting anywhere. The poster who said 'you don't want to end up middle aged and grey with HPPD' is part of the reason I avoid this place. I'm not making light of his problems but hey...I'm just going through divorce, have lost full time custody of my beloved son and I'm 51 years of age. I'm still looking to the future, have a wonderful girlfriend who appreciates me for who I am and what I do and I look forward to the next 32 years. My ex, hasn't got HPPD and never did too many drugs but does have a miserable drink problem and is constantly unhappy despite a fairly privaleged upbringing and many opportunities. Don't waste your life waiting for a cure and accept yourself for who you are, not who you were. I think it's admirable that people are putting their heads together here and asking questions but it's the negative obsessing that drags you down. As the above poster said, pretend you're ok and eventually you will be. I still get black/white microbe like specs if I look for them (I rarely do) but the awful DP/DR stopped after a couple of years. I am prone to stress (but maybe I always was). I teach and the worst symptom that comes back occasionally is an inability to form words without slurring or stuttering. I saw one other post regarding this. As I have to lecture classes this can be difficult at times (happens once or twice a year) but experience has told me to soldier on and it goes away after a few days. Do yoga. Excercise. Meditate. Fall in love. Be fascinated in the world. Confront your worst social fears and you'll be ok. I embarrassed myself with my weirdness for years but it gets better. One interesting thing is that I never remember HPPD as part of any life events or experiences after the first couple of years. The first two I remember as a bad trip. But I decided to move on. Good luck.