8 years of hppd and still doing drugs

[special k]

Hi I've had hppd for 8 years now. I'm 26 now, I had experienced multiple trips on acid and mushrooms when I got it. I never freaked out on the trips i had. In fact the trip that that noticed symptoms after was a mediocre one hit acid trip. My symptoms consist of snow, slight shifting of wall patterns, afterimages and trails.I don't have flashbacks or dp/dr I discontinued use of hallucinogens but continued to smoke cannabis daily.I also had a few amazing ketamine experiences with no increase in visuals about 6 months after symptoms appeared. I also took a small hit of pure crystalline dmt, also without any significant increase. After that it was just daily cannabis, symptoms slowly diminished over time to become less noticeable within a year or two . Two and a half years after getting it I took a year long hiatus from cannabis due to unrelated reasons. During the hiatus I didn't record changes in symptoms, so overall effect of the hiatus is unknown. I resumed using cannabis with slight increase in visuals, yet not significant enough to quality of life.

About 4 years ago I had the opportunity to use ecstacy, since then I've had around 25 mdma experiences. Visual symptoms increase during the experience and fade a day or two after, but they had not troubled me until a high dose experience. After using 8 tablets(prob cut with meth)and a 250 mgs of mdma in a 12 hour period and not getting a good sleep. I noticed a significant increase in visual the next day. This was disconcerting and caused me to question my use, I took a hiatus to figure out if i could ever do molly again, luckily the symptoms returned to baseline in two months

During the past year I used large amounts of Nitrous without any increase in symptoms. At the same time started to use low doses ( 1st and 2nd plateau) DXM in conjuction with my nitrous to reach deep dissociative states. I have not had any change in symptoms from dissociative use. Even when I am in states of dissociation involving hallucinations of a realistic nature, more crazy than anything I ever saw on acid. it is strange though the visuals on dissociatives are open eye it is almost as if my vision tunnels or blacks out before I have these intense deep visual states. The past year I have used molly on a monthly basis sometimes using as much as a half gram on a few occasions, usually just a few rolls though. I have also been using the nitrous and DXM about every other month or so, and smoking high quality bud daily.

I don't know why the drugs haven't made symptoms worse, and even when they did( high dose) increase they diminished after a month or so. At some point ( I think sometime before or after my year long cannabis hiatus) patterns no longer shifted even when I tried to make visuals occur. I do have anxiety issues and definately believe that the more one thinks about it the more symptoms occur, I believe that reading about hppd the day after my acid trip probably contributed to it. After reading many of the posts on here I feel blessed for the experiences I can have. At the same time it hurts to see others suffer an not be able to connect, those experiences that I miss dearly, that connection to the alternate reality.

Most times I just accept that I will never be able to take acid, shrooms, or dmt, yet recently I have been tempted by dmt. Has anyone ever had their symptoms stay the same even when taking new drugs and using regularly? The thing I am concerned with most is the visuals getting worse, i.e. I wouldn't want to have trouble driving or reading. If my symptoms never increased from this point I would be pretty happy. I just wondered if anyone else is like this, had symptoms decrease or took a break and returned to drugs without increase.

[2muchmandy]

What ul find is 99% of people on here dont even snoke anymore for fear of symptoms worsening or they want their life to improve. Most peoples lives on here have been shattered or completely rearanged not nececessarily for worse but not for good either. I myself would cut off my left arm to go back to a state of no hppd and minr is very very mild. Id love to be able to have a beer again one day but might not be able, its pretty crazy that u continue to use drugs but also that they dont have effects on u in the long run. My advice would be quit whild ur ahead or one day itl bite u in the ass. Anyway welcome to the forums

[special k]

Thanks dude, sorry I took so long to respond I didn't have access to a computer for awhile. The thing I wonder about is even though the dissociatives are a different class of drugs and work on the nmda receptors I still have some crazy visuals. Recently I had a third plateau experience that was a insane, I thought I had really fucked myself because I kept having closed eye visuals when trying to go to sleep. After finally falling asleep watching tv I was fine the next day. These kind of experiences make me wonder: If I can have these kind of visuals on dissociatives and be ok, could I trip on acid, dmt or shrooms again? I can do mdma, mda, and methylone without any problems. I'm not worried about having a bad trip really, just wouldn't want to permanently mess up my vision. Has anyone else ever tripped and not make their visuals worse?

[SKARFON]

Hey man, my situation is somewhat similar to yours, although I am younger. I used MDMA about 20 times and had about 15 trips total last year on LSD, shrooms, 2c's, other RCs as well as coke, ketamine, the list goes on. I noticed HPPD after my first 2c-b trip May 2011 which stayed constant as I continued to use MDMA on a bi-monthly basis as well as other drugs. I quit all hallucinogens and stimulants altogether 4 months ago after a terrible serotonin syndrome experience. I was really drunk at a rave and ended up taking 6 molly caps from 3 different dealers, the crash came 12 hours later so I took 5-htp thinking it would help...I was wrong. Extreme tachyardia, tremors, dementia, hallucinations, muscle twitching/jerking...it was so bad that my jaw was clenched shut, I couldn't open my eyes and my hands were contorted like crab claws. Now, I have a lots of visual/fractal snow, very reminiscent of 2c-b after the comedown, as well as other typical symptoms...

Anyways, unlike a lot of people on here, I don't let it get to me so much and don't experience much dp/dr. I did quit weed for a month but now I smoke it because it helps sleep without sleep paralysis/lucid dreams, as well as relaxing me and lessening the long-term effects of serotonin syndrome. I also still enjoy the odd ketamine experience just like you, that is one drug I don't feel has a negative effect on my HPPD, granted I wouldn't do it more than once every few months;

As for weed, I smoke it almost daily but I try to stick to indicas because sativas can trigger anxiety, and hey, I enjoy some beers a couple of nights a week too....a lot of people here can't handle weed or drinks anymore but you know what, without those I'd probably become a hermit and be a lot more stressed out. Does weed make your visual symptoms a lot worse? That's the one reason why I would consider quitting.

[cs1234]

I think it's really cool to know exactly how drugs will effect your own HPPD. Of course it might surprise you and suddenly make symptoms worse though. I know that weed makes my visuals 2-5 times worse while I'm high, but that it only makes my visuals slightly worse in the long run. I haven't done anything else enough to know the EXACT affects. But I believe any drugs, whether they seem to affect HPPD or not, will stunt your recovery. And while it's fun right now living it up as a 26 year old, do you really want HPPD to last forever? How bad are your symptoms anyways?

[special k]

My symptoms are pretty mild, the first year or two I would look at walls and they would shift slightly kinda like the come down on mushrooms, visual snow, starburst, trails and afterimages. After I took a year long break from herb the shifting patterns gradually decreased until they disappeared completely. The other symptoms also decreased slightly. A few weeks after I had resumed smoking I noticed during the snow increased, afterimages burn in faster, starbursts larger, and trails are elongated. The symptoms increase when high and decrease as the drug is metabolized. I smoke everyday sometimes throughout the day so my symptoms are slightly increased pretty much all the time. Yet although the symptoms are increased because I smoke, they still don't outweigh the spiritual and psychological benefits of cannabis. It definately helps with anxiety and has allowed me to see the enlightening facets of life that I had never appreciated before .Most of the time I really don't mind the visuals. It's not that I don't see them it's just that I have accepted my vision at this point, probably the most annoying thing is walking into a dark room and even then it only last two seconds.

I continued smoking for two years after I got hppd, I didn't make it worse, but it didn't get better either. I stopped for unrelated reasons not because of the hppd. I was going through a tough time and had to stop and reassess my life. I stopped focusing on the hppd, which is also a big help. I've taken a couple 3 month long breaks after that first one without any decrease in visuals. It's a balancing act between spiritual benefits of substances and how it affects your hppd. Even though I might have more visuals the overall effect on my well being is well worth it. Now if I had dp/dr or herb induced flashbacks it might be a different story. I'm pretty sure my visuals will never completely go away, I'll never see the way I did before, but thats ok I've accepted it. After reading a lot of the reports on here I am grateful that it's not as bad as it could be.

I would try to take a break from herb for at least a few months . You might feel a little more anxiety during the first month but it might be good to let your mind try to get as close to baseline as possible. For me this disorder definately has a psychosomatic/anxiety aspect to it and you might want to weigh the benfits of using versus the possibilty of it never getting better or potentially getting worse. I would say if your visual symptoms are managable enough and the herb doesn't cause anything more than some occasional paranoia/mild anxiety you might be ok. I would definately avoid phenethylamines and tryptamines for at least a year if not longer. It was at least four years post hppd before I tried mdma. Hang in there though, it was pretty heartbreaking the first few years, had some really tempting offers. (free garbage bag full of mushys!) It sucks but I think if I had risked it too soon and freaked out, I probably wouldn't be able to take any drugs today.

[nepuinthesky]

the only thing i could say is be careful man,

i also had only slight HPPD than a stressfull periode and still smoking a lot of weed increased my symptoms after 3 years of not taking any drug except of weed.

[special k]

Thanks dude, I am still respectful of my limits. I am pretty sure the herb won't be a problem for me it's just staying away from the acid that's tough. Have you smoked since your symptoms got worse?

[nepuinthesky]

yeah i didnt stop smoking for 3 weeks after my symptoms got worse. but i couldnt chill while high as i have done the last 8 years, snow was really fucked up and the afterimages was also a lot worse. i was still smoking 7 joints per day than i read about HPPD and stopped. since than my symptoms has improved but are still there 7 month later. for example the snow has improved alot its more like a vibrating of the whole texture.

there are two things i believe to be the cause of my symptom worsening first i was watching my side because of beeing in a pitch black room for 3 hours while high every where was floating colors, after it everything was grainy for ten minutes.

and the second thing is here in europe we have extreme weed its really a hallucinogen here. it has a high rate of THC and very low CBD.

this combination has brought up the new symptoms i think.

[Dancetrooper]

I also tripped 5 times MDMA, 4 times pills, and 1 time pure Crystals.

For me when i tripped, the visuals got heavy, extremily the Trailing and Veiling.

As you mentioned the symptoms go away after some days, also for me.

I never had problems taking MDMA-Pills (Others here said they would never do MDMA again)

BUT since i took those crystals my HPPD got worse, and improved again.

The Trailing (Starring) got really worse, normally when it happens, the object i aim starts to get deeper and deeper.

After the Crystal-Trip my whole Visionfield started trailing after a while of starring, everything was blurry, not only the object.

So 2 weeks after the trip i can say i almost came back to my Basic-HPPD, unfortunately i see some Veils sometimes on Cars and Trains, but only if i concentrate on them....

as i don´t have Panic-Attacks, Anxiety or Dp (Happily Pre-HPPD i think) i think MDMA is not as influencing as on a Full-HPPD.

ever heard about MDMA can give you Sound-disturbances??

I could swear on the trip i heard voices like echoes, my friends told me MDMA doesn´t influence that, but i never had sound disturbances on my HPPD.

[duro]

Hi.

I've had moderate HPPD for 5 years now. Good days are - hppd doesn't even come to my mind, bad days are severe anxiety, depersonalization and "weird" feelings (I think everybody with HPPD knows what I'm talking about). I drink alcohol 1-2 times a week, when I'm drunk I don't even know I have HPPD but the hangovers - they're insane. Sometimes when hung over, without any benzo (I don't use benzos regularly, only when things are going too far...) I find myself getting brain zaps, suffering insomnia and paranoia/fear.

Other drugs: I've used some RC phenetylamines in moderate amounts - the trip sometimes got really weird and out of control but in the long run, nothing made my HPPD any worse. However, with the high not being as enjoyable as without HPPD, the psychedelic phenetylamines I really don't care for. I've been very careful with tryptamines - shrooms started my HPPD - I only took 4-AcO-MIPT one time, the trip was not enjoyable, but not a horror trip either, no permanent damage done. I used MDMA crystals quite often for some time and even tho it made my visuals worse for a few days eventually it subsided. The MDMA experience is a lot less enjoyable for me since HPPD. The comeup is very chaotic, it's really difficult to pass into that relaxed state and sometimes I am completly unable to "let myself go". I like 4-fluoroamphetamine, but the comedowns are difficult.

Recently I discovered ketamine and MXE and I really like dissociatives, preferably K. Even though it does produce vivid imagery and extremely psychedelic state it NEVER worsened my HPPD, visuals-, dp/dr-, or anxiety-wise, therefore I put them in the "safe" category.

I really liked weed before HPPD but now I don't smoke it that much, because it simply isn't that enjoyable and seems to worsen my anxiety almost all the time (except when I'm drunk;) so the daily basis is gone... A puff or two from a joint is o.k. but two fat bongs like before...not anymore. (Makes me sad, I really liked weed)

Keep in mind - your brain can behave differently than mine, don't take my experiences as knowledge base for yrself and do your research carefully. If you feel you are really fucked, then stop drugs, it's the best you can do. Give yourself a break, clear your head and maybe some day....

Good luck to you all

[Davidirl]

From my experience MDMA, Ketamine and Alcohol are drugs you can do but drugs like weed, lsd and all other psychedelics are just bad and make it really worse.

I also think speed makes it worse.

When I do Alcohol, all my anxiety is gone for the duration the alcohol is active so it's worth for me to do it, even though the next day the hangover is kinda sucky but it isn't that bad if you didn't drink too much. (I drink Alcohol once a week)

With MDMA all anxiety is gone and I feel great, the week/2 weeks after MDMA I have less DP/DR but my visual snow is worse but this only lasts for a few days. (I do MDMA once in 2 to 3 months)

With Ketamine I did have some not feeling right moments but I guess that's just normal with Ketamine.

When the Ketamine effects stop I feel better than normal.

The Visual snow is worse after Ketamine and a few days after using it but I don't notice any change in my DP/DR. (I don't do Ketamine often)

When I smoke weed I get flashbacks and I think I'm tripping and stuff.

I start to see patterns on some walls.

The Visuals snow etc. gets alot worse and the DP/DR gets insane.

This is just my experience with drugs so I'm not saying that this are the effects others will get from it.

I will keep using Alcohol every weekend and I will keep using MDMA once every 2/3 months just because I think it gives me a boost or something like that, just a moment when I can like forget my problems.

But I totally accept them again when I'm sober again.

I also had a period of 3 months when I did totally nothing and that made me feel alot worse.

I wouldn't recommend DMT to you btw, it's a really heavy psychedelic drugs.

It could make everything worse.

[mgrade]

The thing is, is that you have become one with the drugs and accept your state of intoxication as normal. The problem is I highly doubt you are living up to your full potential. I think that if you were to smoke a massive amount of PCP, do a few grams of bath salts, drop a few mg of LSD, and shite-load of DOB, all together, that your moderate symptom of HPPD would turn to severe. Basically, you are putting your head in the lion's mouth, in hopes that he might whisper some universal/cosmic truths. If you feel the need to continue taking these drugs, perhaps there is some reason (i.e. addictive personality, neurotransmitter/psychiatric disorder, you don't feel right/good sober, etc.).

[duro]

I think that if you were to smoke a massive amount of PCP, do a few grams of bath salts, drop a few mg of LSD, and shite-load of DOB, all together, that your moderate symptom of HPPD would turn to severe.

I doubt anyone here considers doing this

[mgrade]

I think that anything in moderation, if you take some sort of homeopathic dose, will probably not harm you .....but for instance if you take 15 tylanol, chances are you'll drop dead. Street drugs can be shady. And unless you are a chemistry genius, you should leave it up to the drug companies, for most issues. Now I don't really like drug companies as big-business-political-power entities, but while we are on the subject of chemistry......an example is Sandoz drug company produced the purest LSD and cocaine pharmaceutically in the 1960's and 1970's. These companies do mess up sometimes but probably better odds than most corner-store dealers.