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What specifically caused your issues??


Gmo

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Yea, that's it really..... I've suffered, probably as hard as I imagine it is possible to, with hppd..... but I can at least think, well I had a fucking blast for years..... and also, I knew the path I was taking. I was on self destruct, so can't really sit about crying because something went wrong. That was the whole point... I was gonna do that shit until I died or something went wrong.... So no guilt, just a tinge of "it's a shame I was born with an addictive personality"

So I have the good memories, and no major guilt or regret. I chose a path and that path led me pretty much where I expected. I could sit around and wonder about why I was so self destructive... but it's too far in the past to care now.... I was just a crazy teen who liked drugs.... no point lookin too deep, in my opinion..

I reckon when I hit about 70.... If I still have this, i'll dodge off to a jungle or something and have a trip..... just for old times sake.

Thanks man I needed to read that. I lay in bed basically every night just beating myself up about my drug use, and it honestly wasn't that extreme. I really need to let go of the past and try my best to deal with the present as opposed to my past mistakes. I'm always imagining these alternate scenarios and dreaming what life might of been like had I avoided those 2 bad trips......It's just life was EASY back then. No anxiety no weird thoughts, no brain deadness, just normality. I just can't stop blaming myself. But after reading your post I understand I really need to let go of it all. I was on a different vibe back and I was just interested in experimenting. If I, just like any of you, had known this was what was waiting for me we wouldn't taken the risks......or at least I wouldn't of. But it is what it is the past should be left in the past.

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Yeah im really not guilty about my drug use, since it really wasnt that much, i do feel bitter sometimes though that this would happen to me, and that im not able to trip anymore because i fuckin loved it and for a while there it really helped me. I started doin drugs at 18 and i only tripped 2 weekends in a row once, the other times waiting accordingly. It sucks because i know how much fun a depersonalized me wouldve had in college, i actually had the girl of my dreams in the palm of my hand right before all this happened, and it really does suck to think about, but now my only concern is gettin better. I think im past caring so much about what couldve been, ive resigned myself to a peaceful life, as opposed to the semi-wild one i visualized myself having, and if i get better, it really doesnt sound so bad.

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seriously man madchester hahaha it really is back! no lie even the biggest geeks at my school are stoners now, and some of them take trips and everything most of them take pills its serious madness up here! but ketamine has been a massive problem over the last 2 years with a looooot of people being addicted |:

bristol has a ketamine ward!!! its never had a smack or crack ward thats how bad its got... and then came the ket drout... probably the bet thing to ever happen to the youth of this country

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it isnt really much of a rave drugs hence people get so addicted,. you take it when you;re just sat chillin mostly, not out and abotu as much its more mentally addictive than physically i think, or at first certainly

everyone on the scene is fukin mental and depressed from so much drug use and such, and obviously are the kind of people that are naturally seeking the next level of absolute crazy drug experiences and seriously theres nothin crazier than a massive line of ket, plus it completely takes you out of this world, the only drug you can completely forget yourself and your troubles on! (apart from maybe smack dno stayed away from that, and crack and meth ofc)

thats my theory anyway

my best mates all happened to get addicted to ket in the few months after they broke up with thier long term boyfriends, after it always being just as available before then, and also cheaper before then too..

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I did mushrooms once.

Smoked weed many times.

MDMA maybe ten times. I reckon that's what caused it. HPPD is a big price to pay for a few nights of fun.

A lot of my pals at uni are into drugs. I didn't join in with them at first, but did later. Of course, none of them have any of these problems.

You can look back on it and have regrets, be frustrated. It's massively annoying, for a number of reasons that there is not point in going into, because at the end of the day, what's done is done - we can't go back in time and change anything so no point in stressing out about it.

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Yeah ive heard that k-holes are insane...my friend whos a massive cokehead did a gigantic line on accident and went into a khole for like 30 minutes or so, but when he came back he thought like 8 hours had elapsed, he was freaking out about a paper he had to write and shit, it was hilarious.

But idk, i took a MASSIVE dose of PCP, and i fought it the whole time so i didnt dissociate which was good, but it did trigger my first 6 month bout of depersonalization while it left my system. Now is nothing compared to those horrible 6 months, i basically spent em all in bed, with the most horrible fatigue imaginable.

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Yeah ketamine roped me in pretty fast. That is crazy it is that big up there! I don't understand how you guys get it, is it diverted from vet clinics or what? In the states, it is very easy to get because it can be bought over the counter at vet clinics in Mexico... But other than Mexican sources it is almost impossible to find... At least in the western states. It is true, K is a hell of a drug. I would have kept going had it been available... Looking back I'm glad it was so hard to get because otherwise I wouldn't have stopped. It isn't physically addictive live opis or benzos but, for me anyways, it was quite psychologically addicting. Luckily it is pretty much impossible to OD on K or else I wouldn't be here. I didn't know it was possible to K-hole from sniffing it... I guess it would be possible but I've never hit the hole without IM or IV.

Oh and PCP is terrible stuff, I'm glad you only did it once, Boogres

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I didnt do it willingly, i bought weed from some sketchball i knew which turned out to be laced with it...id smoke a tiny bowl and be blasted out of my mind...this went on for about a week or so, when i finally decided to put all i had into a blunt and smoke it...tripped balls for 10 hours, took 6 months for the feeling to go away, i developed hppd about 4 months after this occurred...and i tested myself so i know thats definitely what it was...yeah, i tried to enjoy the trip, but it was just horrible, i could literally feel my brain frying.

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Wow the same thing happened to me! I was hitting a gravity bong with some Tongan kids and they loaded a bowl, told me to take a rip, and as soon as it hit my lungs I could taste it wasn't weed... I asked them what the hell it was, and they responded "Hahaha you just smoked PCP." I won't go into detail, but long story short, did some really stupid shit and ended up being locked in a room for a night. PCP is bad news bears. That was the first and last time for me.

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PCP, DOB and 2c-p were the worst thing in my expirience, they were the triggers. PCP turns you into idiot, who can barely connect three phrases into the whole story. HPPD from dissociatives IMO fucks up mental issues much stronger than classical lsd etc. After 1.5 years i feel sort of relief, and trying keep up with life, but this pcp "flow" will stay forever. Total loss of visual imagination bites as well....

In my country, ket is like an baobab in Sahara :D

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Luckily I missed the boat on the ket scene.... From what my mates tell me, it sounds a bit like a Salvia hit (the real out of body Salvia hits). I can't see anything being as fucked as Salvia when you really hit your inner space, cept maybe the few stories i've heard about people doing Datora (is that how it's spelt?).....

A friend of mine, who is proper pshyconaut did something when he was travelling in africa that put him in a state for 3 days, and he experienced all the bad things he has ever done to other people, from the perspective of the other person. He buzzed off it, saying it was very cleansing and stripped him of any lingering "bad vibes". Sounds like pure hell, to me.

Anyway, yea... madchester, stone roses, happy mondays back.... HAC51 next? That would be a blast from my past!

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Thanks man I needed to read that. I lay in bed basically every night just beating myself up about my drug use

I really think it is the first step to recovery.... and It is a hard step, i've guilted myself out many times.... but it's of no help.

The way I try and rationalise it is with the saying "everything happens for a reason". Maybe getting hppd stopped me from getting addicted to heroin (like some of my friends and family)..... Or maybe as a "normal" person, I would have been a right twat, doing more harm than good but feeling ok about it. hppd (or the previous drug use) has soften me... i'm not arrogant, I care for people, animals, the planet etc.... Perhaps if I hadn't got hppd, i'd be some corporate banker, cheating on his wife, neglecting his kids etc.

My point is.... when we look back with regret, we only tend to look at this bright, beautiful life that could have been.... but It's not just a 2 sided coin, we could have become better people without hppd, we could have become worse.

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Oh IMO, ket and salvia are entirely different, although they both force an OBE. Salvia is much much much more uncomfortable. For me, K gently took me away from my body whereas salvia ripped me into little strips, peeled my throat like a banana, and sucked me into some twisted space through a perceived amplification of gravity. I don't know anyone who has had a full blown salvia experience and decided to do it again. No good.And datura... proper spelling... is in its own little realm with all the other deliriants... Not dissociative and not psychedelic. I take what I said back, PCP wasn't my worst experience, datura was... For anyone who is interested in deliriants... Don't do it! I don't expect anyone to take my word for it, but they are not fun at all... Let alone the serious risk of death from OD.

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yea, makes sense that it is a nicer experience, the amount of people that love it.... I kept hearing about the K-hole and it sounded like salvia.... but seems not.

Salvia is not of this planet :blink: ........

I researched Datura as part of a film script idea I once had, sounds like pure and simple madness. No one, not one single person said anything good about the experience.

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Yeah postal, PCP is shit...whyd you try it so many times? hahah...what do you mean by PCP flow? one of my biggest fears is the fact that pcp is stored in the brain, and that flashbacks are actually chemical in nature. If i ever were to get a flashback...which is more than likely...my DPDR would probably go through the roof...I try not to think about it, and hope that it's nto the case, but considering the dose i took, i sometimes feel like im just being falsely hopeful.

And yeah i tried salvia once, it was horrible too haha, i hit it, next thing i know my arms are being pulled down by the ground and im stuck to it and i cant get up and my friend is telling me "chill man you smoked salvia" and all i said was whats salvia whats salvia like 10 times until i came down...i would have tried it again though :D

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That is pretty crazy you were able to talk while tripping on salvia... You are so right, it is not of this world. In the start of my experience I was sitting in the back of a car trying to yell at the kids in the front seat to stop the vehicle... I thought I was slipping out the cracks between the door because I couldn't move fast enough to keep up with the car... Forgot I had taken a drug, forgot who I was, etc. Horrid horrid experience. And yeah datura is god awful... One particular instance me and a friend decided to go fishing... So we went to the lake for a few hours, didn't catch anything, then realized we never left the house! I could imagine people falling off ledges, walking in front of traffic, etc. Completely reckless drug, that one is.

I don't really think anything is stored in the brain... But I could be wrong. There are metabolic structures in the brain called glial cells that metabolize anything and everything in the cerebrospinal fluid and in the brain tissue itself. I think it isn't the chemicals lingering in our brains that causes problems, it is the up-regulation, blow out of receptor systems, physiological damage (meth), lost signals, irregular signals, etc. that the drugs have caused while doing their thing...

It is interesting to me that, on the topic of this thread, most if not all posts had MDMA or e pills involved... It is interesting that only a small percentage of users exhibit HPPD... So it seems like it can be deduced that genetic and epigenetic factors influence the structural integrity of brain cells and neurotransmitter systems... I really wish this condition was better understood, but it seems like all the common ground we find could be an indicator of the type of changes or damage that causes HPPD.

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I think mdma causes so many problems that people don't know what to name it all as.

I've chatted to about a dozen of us that used to do alot of pills and everyone had some lingering problem or other... 3 had what I would call pre-hppd plus anxiety/depression... 1 had a full nervous breakdown, 2 had servere depression and several just said they feel different now.

Generation X is a mess, god help generation K.

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bahaa HAC51 became FAC51 but that went about a year ago now its some shitty cheesy club called rumours XD

and it pretty much ALL came from india until somethin happened and now there is none...

and PCP D: eurgh i would NEVERRR go there ever

wish id had the chance to try DMT though... and ACO

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Most drugs arent but PCP actually is, (lipid soluble or something?) Jamie Foxx actually got spiked with PCP when he was 18 and hes had flashbacks into his 30's...it's also stored in the kidneys i think. Whatever, i try not to think about it. And that datura experience is crazy hahaha i always thought an experience like that was a drug myth, like seeing unicorns on acid.

Oh and i never rolled...i wanted to try it, but im not really a big techno guy, id rather eat 4 grams of shrooms and listen to All Along the Watchtower. But the whole, girls rolling head and gettin nasty scene did have an allure to it.

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Well a lot of different drugs are hydrophobic, or soluble in lipids... A classic example is THC... I know that THC carboxylates in the glial cells so I don't see how PCP would remain stored in your brain unmetabolized. I will have to look that up when I get a chance. Did you hear about that from a reliable source?

And yeah there is no limit to the insanity of a datura experience. No myths and no truths, it just is. That shit grows everywhere around my town... Like on lawns and in gardens. It is a pretty hardy plant. There is a canyon in Moab called "Moonflower Canyon" specifically named after datura. But no one abuses it because it is so dysphoric as well as so deadly.

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