NotMyself

Memories and pain

7 posts in this topic

Anyone else feel a jab of emotional pain when thinking of certain memories before dp/dr/hppd or watching people enjoy life, hanging out in bars, having drinks, and thinking to yourself you can no longer indulge in those little things that provides a short reprieve from life's hurdles? It feels like I've always dealt with dp/dr/hppd until i look back and realized it's only been less than a year. I can't seem to think about the pleasant memories I had being a college student, going on trips with friends, dealing with trivial things, etc, without a jab of emotional/psychological pain because it was not long ago you were fine and then it just completely flipped upside down and you no longer have a life and is mentally removed from everything. It's painful because it's unimaginable that life could ever end up like this, like a giant car wreck where you're just enjoying the drive while listening to music, and then BOOM, you wake up in the hospital and finds out you're paralyzed from the waste down and will never walk again in your entire life. It's not like some bad, self-destructive habits where you steadily go downhill and after a year or two you realize you're life is a giant mess.

I don't mean to be pessimistic and I hate to sound like I'm saying "life's never gonna be great again" or "things are never gonna change for the better". It's just things has been going further downhill recently. I can't comprehend what is happening to my mind anymore, a lot of people can write about their symptom, whatever it may be, but my mind is so wrecked it can't comprehend and put into scale how wrecked it is. Many times it gets to the point where it's pure chaos, if it doesn't stop, I fear I'm gonna end up in a mental hospital. I can't even write this short post without feeling completely frustrated because my mind can't seem to work out and think of how I should write in order to express myself in the most clear way. Anyway, I'm near the brink of my frustration so I'll conclude this post since it has been an hour and a half since I started (didn't take breaks) and only manage to write barely two paragraphs. Peace!          

Edited by NotMyself
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damn, i feel kinda the same. but my suffrage is small. I feel disconnected and kinda lost. Days go by fast and i'm kinda waltzing through everything rn. I'm on summer break so a stress-free environment is really good for me. But i do tend to forget things in the short term like, thinking i need water for the gym, i forget about it and by the time i'm at the gym i remember i needed water. Things are different but we gotta live with it. Best of luck to you 

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I can definitely relate regarding the car crash analogy. That sums it up pretty well. 

There was a distinct period, at about a year or so, where my memory just completely shut down and the old memories I had almost didn't seem like mine anymore, like they were from someone else's life. This is a pretty common DP-DR symptom though. I think it's just been a result of living in a certain state for so long. Eventually your memories get coated with DP-DR vision and feeling and whatnot. 

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People drinking in bars are missing out on the wonderful life sobriety can bring.  I'm not going to go into some lecture about the evils of alcohol or any other mind altering substance.  Not with my history.  I just found that I didn't feel purified happiness until I was sober for a while.  

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8 hours ago, MadDoc said:

People drinking in bars are missing out on the wonderful life sobriety can bring.  I'm not going to go into some lecture about the evils of alcohol or any other mind altering substance.  Not with my history.  I just found that I didn't feel purified happiness until I was sober for a while.  

I should have been more clear, I don't mean that I wish I was functioning normally so I could go out and get hammered and do more drugs. What I wanted to imply was that being able to do those things means life ain't such a struggle and you're not in a place mentally where the thought of dp/dr/hppd even cross you're mind. If I could regain my sense of self and get my sober mind back, getting hammered wouldn't even be on the list of 100 things that I would wanna do much less try mind altering drugs again. It's just I somewhat envy those people because they are normal enough to be able to do those things and take life for granted. Hope you get my point! 

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I probably interpreted what you originally wrote incorrectly.  I have a double whammy of hppd AND dyslexia.  I often pull incorrect meaning out of written text.  Correction, I almost always do.

I wasn't trying to imply that consuming alcohol was your goal.  What I was trying to say is the people enjoying a drink or two aren't necessarily happy or normal.  People who seem totally together struggle with depression, anxiety, etc.  Those of us with hppd my be at one end of the spectrum but humans in general struggle with various mental disorders.  I mean, what's normal?

If it seems like I totally missed your point again please understand that I never seem to interpret the world in the same way other people do.  I'm always coming out of "left field" (sorry about the baseball analogy).  

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2 hours ago, MadDoc said:

I probably interpreted what you originally wrote incorrectly.  I have a double whammy of hppd AND dyslexia.  I often pull incorrect meaning out of written text.  Correction, I almost always do.

I wasn't trying to imply that consuming alcohol was your goal.  What I was trying to say is the people enjoying a drink or two aren't necessarily happy or normal.  People who seem totally together struggle with depression, anxiety, etc.  Those of us with hppd my be at one end of the spectrum but humans in general struggle with various mental disorders.  I mean, what's normal?

If it seems like I totally missed your point again please understand that I never seem to interpret the world in the same way other people do.  I'm always coming out of "left field" (sorry about the baseball analogy).  

Don't worry, i can see how my post could be interpreted that way when i mentioned hanging out in bars and having drinks and not being able to indulge in those things. I should've been more clear on what I meant to say.

It's true that just because people seem normal doesn't mean they aren't dealing with their own struggles. I myself was like that during many points in my life, smiling and acting hyper on the outside but on the inside I couldn't have been more unhappy. With where I am at now, it seems that all those times before dealing with boredom, depression, and other things seems like they're rainbows and sunshine compared to what dp/dr/hppd symptoms can put you through. I don't mean to put it on top of the pedestal of the worse things you can go through but the uncertainty of it all makes it really hard to endure. The psychological/mental chaos and anguish causes me to get completely lost in the middle of it that most times I forget that it's caused by dp/dr/hppd and becomes convince by it. 

Edited by NotMyself
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