Murtra

Another one

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Hey.

A month ago I had an experience that left behind something that might be HPPD. Done some different drugs throughout 2-3 years, mostly 1P-LSD. 2 months before I tripped on 1P-LSD, month before on ecstasy, and 2 weeks before smoked weed. I was in my room, dancing to some trippy music, while feeling a bit on the edge emotionally. Suddenly I started to see something resembling silver snow falling in front of me, and a point of light running on the walls. These hallucinations lasted for few minutes, after that I saw patterns on everything resembling those on high doses on acid, and after maybe 30 minutes only more intense color hues and minor "visual snow" remained. It didn't changed much since then.

I wonder if that's 100% HPPD. I feel a bit anxious all the time, my emotions feel stronger, I often feel tired despite sleep, have headeaches, I feel dazed/confused all the time, and I have trouble with maintaining focus. Lately I got diagnosed with a pretty big cyst in one of my sinuses that I'll have removed in the next few months, and I suffer from Gilbert's Syndrome. Blood tests are almost perfect, and I don't suffer from any mental disorders. Lately I'm under strong pressure (learning for exams and looking for a job), and stress might be making everything worse. I wonder if I can hope that this cyst might be main source of this condition and that removing it and stabilising my life might cure it, or I just should accept that it won't go away and learn to live with it. Also perspective of complete abstinence from psychedelics feels wrong, as I have learned a lot from them (LSD helped me make difficult decisions and evolved my atheist worldview into something resembling Alan Watt's ideas), and never tried possibly further lifechanging substances like DMT, mescaline and mushrooms.

Anyway, I'm 20 years old guy from Eastern Europe, nice to meet you.

Edited by Murtra
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Welcome.  I'm new here as well and I'm amazed at the abundance of information available in this forum.

I'm no expert on hppd and didn't even realize it had a name until recently.  You're still having visual issues like visual snow and colors, is that correct?  Are they present all the time?  

I understand that psychedelics can teach us many things.  However, there are some of us, like me, who end up with symptoms that we experience every waking moment.  When I started using psychedelics over 40 years ago I thought they were some sort of miracle and shaped the way I experience existence in positive ways.  However,  I see visual patterns almost all of the time and have for decades.  I dosed heavily for about six years.

I'm not a doctor so I won't dispense any medical advice.  The advice I would give is to stay sober for a while to see if the symptoms go away.  If they don't please understand it might get much worse if you continue using.  

Also, if you do have hppd, don't panic! Even if you have this condition, it's possible to have a wonderful and productive life.

I hope your surgery to remove your cyst goes well.  

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That's great drugs have enabled you to see the world differently but if you don't stop them now you might be that way permanently! Only you can decide what's best for yourself in the longrun but I'd urge you to at least give yourself a break for a while to see if your symptoms persist and to see how much you enjoy it. If you think life is pleasurable with 24-7 visual snow, patterns, headaches, etc., then by all means continue doing drugs. If not, then you might want to steer clear of the drug scene until you're completely healthy, or better yet, forever! You only get one life and one body. You might want to think twice before potentially damaging both forever!

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The more you do any substance (even ones like caffine, alcohol, nicotine etc.) it will make your hppd worse. Like fante said steer clear of all substances it will do nothing but harm to you, besides when i stopped all drugs outright i learned to appreciate life a lot more, and started enjoying the sober "normal" feeling a lot more then anything a drug could do. Just focus on staying healthy and drug free and your body and mind will thank you for it.

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Yeah, full abstinence seems as the most reasonable option. Didn't touched anything except green tea since that event happened (and I'm thinking about cutting this one too). It's just that I imagine future me, let's say 40 years older, with all the symptoms gone (maybe), and still abstaining from fear of getting HPPD back. Maybe I'll be able to get away with soft stuff like alcohol or marijuana then, dunno. Probably I shouldn't worry about that now. Anyway, I often forget that I'm not feeling normal, and it looks like I can function almost normally. Good for me that I always tried to focus on enjoying that "normal" feeling, and never did drugs often enough to rely on them, so it's not that hard to remain sober. I wonder if I can worsen my symptoms by meditation and inducing OBEs with music. Although I meditated a lot since HPPD arrival, sometimes I get extremely trippy experiences (feeling my body melt, float and expand, or feeling someone's presence), not sure how experiencing one would impact my mental health right now, and I didn't found anything about the second subject.

Edited by Murtra
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I do my meditation practice almost every day and have been doing so for a long time.  It helps with mental focus and my hppd is much less pronounced when I'm focused.  But that's me.  I doubt it can do any harm.

You mentioned being 40 years older.  It goes by in a flash.  Time is strange stuff!

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Got hallucinations again. Similar trigger to the previous one - listening to music and moving. Saw lots of glittery orbs everywhere except the point on which my eyes were focusing. They disappeared after few seconds and I'm back to normal. Still I'm seeing objects in intensified hues and see visual snow, but often forget about them and function semi-normally.

Is this how HPPD should work like? I'm a bit scared that it could be a different mental disorder, maybe that fear is groundless though.

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It sounds like hppd. Everyone experiences it differently though. Get your eyes tested to make sure nothing's wrong there. Concerning the drug use...I got hppd in 2009 and continued to use drugs. I was fine for years. Until I wasn't. You need to be really careful man. I wouldn't wish what I've gone through in the past year and a half on anyone. Do yourself a favor and abstain. It's just not worth it. That's all I've got to say.

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