WOLF70M

Thank You HPPD

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Hey guys,

I haven't been on this site in quite some time, but I was reflecting on the past 6 years of perceptual disturbances and thought that I would write a post that may shed a different light on HPPD. I am very thankful that HPPD has become a part of my life(yes, even when I start melting or the room keeps changing sizes). I'm sure by this point many of you are thinking "wow, this guy is fucked in the head" , but let me elaborate a bit more. At this point in my life I am happy, I love who I am, and I am in a great place despite my visual and tactile disturbances not wavering in the slightest. Pre-HPPD, however, I could say none of the good things I listed above. I lived my life constantly brushing my anxiety, depression, and insomnia under the rug like it didn't exist. HPPD amplified these problems to a point where I could no longer just pass them off. It forced me to change. I had to open up to people about myself and my problems like I never had to before. I had to focus on the things that I could control (anxiety, depression) rather than the things that were out of my hands(perceptual disturbances). This was not an easy process at all. I struggled immensely for a year before I developed the coping skills I needed to allow myself to be happy. One of the biggest turning points for me was when I was finally able to forgive myself for the long series of decisions I made to get myself caught up in in everything. I fortunately haven't had any other trauma in my life, but that almost made it harder to forgive myself for creating such a traumatic event for myself all because I wanted to get high. I also thin that it was important that I accepted the fact that HPPD was a part of me; this is the way I see things now and that ok. In fact its more than ok! I have a hugely different perspective on life than I did before and I think that is one of my biggest assets in life. I couldn't imagine where I would be if HPPD didn't come into my life (probably still getting high off of stupid shit all of the time with no future plans).

HPPD helped me figure out what I wanted to do with my life (though I almost dropped out because of it)

HPPD is the reason I became a social worker and have a great job that I love

HPPD helped me learn the communication skills I needed to open up to someone and have an actual meaningful relationship with someone

HPPD stopped me from doing drugs allowing me to eventually become an all-american in cross country.

HPPD taught me how to enjoy life while coping with insomnia, depression, and anxiety

HPPD made me the man I am today

I used to blame HPPD for making my life miserable, but now I see it as an integral part of my life. Wish you guys all the best. - Josh

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Thanks for posting this. Seems like there's been a string of these types of posts lately, which is great. The more success stories on this site -- full recovery or not -- the better. 

I've also had times where I've tried to look at the positive side of HPPD, that I've lived my whole life with untreated anxiety and unprocessed trauma, and now I finally have an opportunity to address my mental health, which I don't think I would have ever done otherwise. In a way it's almost like something had to happen to me to make me realize all my underlying issues, although I could have done with something much less severe, traumatic, difficult, prolonged, etc. 

From what I can tell, HPPD changes people forever. I don't think anybody is ever the same, even those who recover rather quickly. I'm a totally different person than I was two years ago with totally different dreams and goals in life, all due to HPPD. Though in the end I will in a way be grateful for life and this entire experience I also think the level of suffering I've had to endure is inhumane and as many people say, I wouldn't wish it on anybody. 

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I think one of the great positives for me, firstly with lsd use, and then even hppd, has been my empathy for others has increased greatly, especially natural life, animals etc... the flipside is i now constantly worry about how other people are feeling, the plight of the planet, of animal suffering etc!... But I still think that it is a better, more positive way of thinking and it gives me some goals that i can go out and achieve.

If I ever were to be cured of hppd, that compassionate mindset would stay with me... As well as mental resilience beyond all recognition of how I would have been if i had coasted through life. I also like that I am no longer in pursuit of material possessions or the need to impress anyone. Destroying your ego can have some positives, no doubt :)

Maybe I would have developed this way without hppd, but I think it is now cemented in my personality.

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