Danny79

hi all, new member, hppd since 1995

16 posts in this topic

hi everyone,

I just wanted to say hello and offer a bit of hope to all those who are struggling with this affliction. I have had constant HPPD since 1995. This all started for me when I took acid at 15 years old, I'm 38 now, and have read through some of the messages of younger people who have only just recently become struck, and are naturally panicking and scared, just as I was.

I just wanted to say a decent life is possible. Maybe not the life you were planning or had hoped for, but a decent, contented, happy life, nonetheless: You will adapt. You will evolve. You will come to accept it.

I don't want to go on and on now and give you all lots to read. If anyone would like to chat, I would like that.

 

Thanks everyone.

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Hi Danny.  I'm new to this forum as well.  I think you bring a great message.  I noticed the first symptoms in the early 70s when I was about 14.  One common thread I'm seeing is that many of the people in here started using quite young.  I'm wondering if that has anything to do with it.  The mind is still in formation and the introduction of such strong mind altering chemicals may change trajectory.  I've had "residual" visuals for over 40 years and I still have them today.  But you're right, a decent life and even a wonderful life certainly is possible.  There's no reason you can't get an education, pursue your dreams, have wonderful relationships, get married, have kids, raise them well, and wake up in the morning happy to be on this planet.  Thank you for your positive message!

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hi MadDoc,

thanks a lot for your reply and kind words. I also believe the damage done was in large part down to the fact I was putting all these powerful, mind-bending chemicals into my system at such a young age, when as you say the mind and body is still developing, and I wasted a lot of time regretting and wondering "Why me?" and wishing I could turn back time and make different choices. For me acceptance is such a huge part in coming to terms with HPPD. I have thankfully now accepted the fact I will probably be this way for the rest of my life, and that is okay, there really are far worse things out there.

You're so right a wonderful life is possible for those with HPPD, and it is a great comfort for me to know there are people, like yourself, and probably many many others, who have lived with HPPD for a long time, and have not only adapted and learned to cope, but have flourished in life.

 

Thanks again. I hope to speak to yourself and other members of this community more in the future.

 

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While, I agree that a positive outlook is the key... I do want to give some balance and say that not every hppd long termer ends up with a happy, peaceful life... Anyone here that has known me for a while knows that i am positive and don't have any self blame or self loathing.. it's 100% the way to go and is a healing factor.. but while my life, on paper, has been good and I do get some enjoyment out of life....  I can't say that I have been really happy or at peace for a single day in 20+ years of this, it takes a fair effort to just get through every day without succumbing to anxiety and a mentally ill feeling that is simply crippling.

I'm not saying this to bring about negativity or fear, but I do not want anyone to get complacent and start taking drugs again, thinking that it will all work out fine as the years pass. As with everything hppd, every individual is different.

That said I am genuinely pleased that some of you are leading happy lives.

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hi there Jay,

I guess the reality of HPPD is it can either destroy you, or it can make you into something better. I can't speak for everyone but for me personally this is a choice. I can allow it to destroy me, or I can grow into something stronger. Like the old saying goes, "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger." - I couldn't agree more about not wishing anyone to continue taking or start taking illegal drugs, again. I am an alcoholic/addict and am currently 4 years clean and sober, through the help of AA.

A positive outlook is no longer a choice for me. If I allow myself to wallow in negativity then very quickly I can become overwhelmed with self-pity and suicidal. I avoid this by trying to focus on what I can do to improve myself and my situation, and where I can help others who are less fortunate than me; for I can think of numerous illnesses and conditions, where any kind of normal, peaceful, productive life, is completely impossible.

 

Wish you well and thank you for this chat forum.

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Well... hppd has varying degrees of severity too, just like any mental disorder... i dont allow hppd to define me... i have my own business, a wife.. I've travelled the world, lived in foreign countries etc etc... but in no way has it made me stronger... I'm a shell of my old self and suffer to an extent that it is simply hellish.

Personally, i'd take on most any other illness... crippling physical pain.. terminal cancer... I'd cut off both arms... I'd happily be blind in exchange for mental wellness. 

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Sorry... i dont want to hijack the thread as i truely do believe that a positive outlook is an amazing thing and can really help.... I've always battled and fought to have some semblance of a normal life and only through positivity and determination has that happened.

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I hear you Jay. I would certainly cut a limb or two off to not have HPPD. I have had cancer and survived (so far, touch wood!)

My HPPD is severe. I experience all the symptons constantly. But you know what? The level of suffering I have experienced has brought me to some surrender and truths that perhaps I would never of known otherwise. Just for me, today, I know my brain is not that important, at least not as important as I thought it was. What I mean is I have still got more than my share of what I need, my basic functions; I can communicate; I can walk and talk; I can experience pleasure. I have everything I need in order to fulfill my purpose for being alive, which is to help others. And the amazing side effect of that is I get an inner peace and self-esteem - btw I am only speaking for myself here.

I still get bad days when I am full of self-pity. And I can dwell on what I don't have. I don't have a wife or a career, or a family of my own; I've never been able to drive a car; I really struggle sometimes with social situations, etc - but what I do have is peace, the vast majority of the time, and I am grateful for what I have. I am not a shell of my former self, although I did think that for a long time. I am just different now. Limited in some areas? Sure! But are these areas in which I am limited really that important??

 

Wish you peace my friend.

Edited by Danny79
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I think this is a really good conversation.  When I said "life can be wonderful" the last thing I wanted to imply is that continuing to use is A-OK because things are going to turn out swell.  In my opinion sobriety is the single best thing you can do for yourself at the first sign of this affliction.  Now that I'm a stones throw away from 60 I can say that I'm happy and life is great but it wasn't always that way.  I stopped using when I was 20 and my 20s were, at best, difficult.  I got through college, I got married, and we had kids BUT I was struggling.  I had horrible anxiety, I had to work really hard because my focus was so "off", and frankly, I felt like an alien who had been dropped on this planet.  If I could go back and talk to my 14 year old self I'd scream "Don't take that purple tablet!!!!".  Someone talked about acceptance in this forum  and in my 30s I just started to accept that this is who I am that I have a self inflicted disability like it or not. 

I realize that this disability must have a huge spectrum and each of us has it at a different level with different symptoms.  I don't want to minimize the fact that it can be debilitating.  Then again, I don't want people to despair.  I saw a topic in this forum on suicide and it really freaked me out and I deeply hope that anyone struggling with those thoughts can and will get help.  I guess what I want to communicate that a good life is "possible". I don't have any secret formula or golden key to happiness.  I guess I'm trying to say is I'm one of the afflicted and I love life.  
 
This is all so new to me.  It was only a couple of weeks ago that I could register in this forum and reach out to others.  This is huge and I may come off as a little over zealous at times.
 
I should apologize to Danny79.  Now I've taken your introduction and I've send it into another orbit.
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hi MadDoc,

I appreciate very much your input and words. As a newbie I'm not aware of the ettiquette, but I promise both you and Jay that no apologies are needed by me. I used to really believe I was the only one in the world with this affliction. I didn't even know HPPD was a "thing" until 2012. I just thought acid had f'ed me up. I was extremely happy to find out it was a recognised condition, and if I'm honest, that I wasn't alone (although I would not wish this upon anyone).

I whole heartedly agree with importance of acceptance and taking responsibility, and realising that yes I did this to myself! I only have my own experiences to share and what has helped me, and at the risk of labouring my point I have to remind myself (alot!) that it could have been so much worse. For example, a friend who I grew up with has lived in a mental care facility since he was 18 years old, unable to look after himself, basically a zombie; he was a normal teenage kid before and now he is like this and will be until he dies, as a direct result of his drug use - would I swap places with him? I would not. But I bet he would swap places with me.

 

There are so many stories like this, and worse - so yes, I am grateful for what I have.

Edited by Danny79
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By the way, I know I must sound like a real twonk for declaring my "purpose in life" is just to help people! I didn't mean for it to sound so grandiose and preachy, and just rereading I think it does.

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>> As a newbie I'm not aware of the ettiquette,

I'm always second guessing myself and tend to apologize often even if there's nothing to apologize for.  I also don't post on the web very often.  While message boards are old hat to most they're kind of unfamiliar to me.

>> I used to really believe I was the only one in the world with this affliction.

YES!!!!!!!!!!

I've felt this way since I was a kid.  Before the internet there was nowhere to go and nobody to talk to.  The one doctor I talked to back in the early 80s was so rude and basically told me "you get what you deserve".  I literally felt like I was the only one who struggled with these symptoms.  I finally realized that there's nothing special about me so there must be someone else out there with the same problem and there must be a name for this malady.

Edited by MadDoc
Foolish typing
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I think it sounds fine.  One thing for sure, I'm in no position to judge others.  I'm just an awkward human bumbling through life (:

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I like the sound of that mate =) Oh boy, I am one awkward bumbling mess at times! LOL. My experience has been the vast majority of people find it endearing.

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You are right about the people who came off worse in the drugs scene, i also have a friend who has a deep psychosis from mdma use and it really has crippled his life in ways that i couldn't imagine, he is constantly in and out of mental homes... for all of my inner sufferering, i can still function, earn a living, have a caring wife etc... so need to remember that more and be grateful.

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MDMA wasn't around back in my day (insert Grandpa Simpsons' voice).  What was available periodically was a psychedelic amphetamine called DOM which was called STP in the 60s.  I can see how that class of chemical could cause problems.  It certainly rattled me pretty badly.  What's really scary now are all the variant "research" chemicals coming out of China.  They're untested on humans are some have the potential of being fatal.  I wonder if they're more likely to inflict hppd.  I guess time will tell.

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