Speech problems (and a short introduction of myself)

[rotbart]

Hello guys,

I'm new to this forum and I've developed HPPD ~7 months ago, mostely from 2-CB and MDMA.  I have abstained from psychoactive substance use completely since, excluding alcohol. Things haven't gotten better, rather a bit worse. 

I have relatively moderate visuals and I have gotten to the point where I can say that I would be okay with living with them forever (while they still annoy me everyday and make some things challenging, for example working with excel or reading on a computer screen).

The things that annoy me most are DP/DR, cognitive impairment and my social anxiety which has gotten 5 times worse with HPPD. 

One of the worst symptoms of all these are my speech problems. I often can't find the right words and slurr them... my mouth just feels "different" and somehow heavy - it's hard to describe, I think that has to do with DP/DR. Speaking is now a demanding task for me.

It is really humilitating in front of people, especially in front of groups.I often think to myself that they must believe I'm retarded or sth or simply born with a speech disorder, which is definitely not the case. It greatly hurts my self esteem. It has gotten to the point where I'm fearful of speaking and I'm overthinking it, which makes the problem even worse. 

I used to be a very good speaker, I was always very precise in how I would articulate myself, how I would choose certain words and formulate my thoughts.. many friends used to state this as an exceptional skill of mine.

I think it definitely has to do with my social anxiety, DP/DR and the fact that I'm fatigued most of the day - physically and mentally. But I also feel like I have simply lost some of my ability to speak correctly. Sadly, things have only gotten very slighty better with time, but there are also periods where I really think that I have improved and the words "flow" like they used to be.. but then I'm quickly back to a really shitty baseline. 

The fact that makes this issue even worse is that I'm 19 years old and am about to study Engineering (Maschinenbau). I'm from Germany and I was interested in Technology since my early childhood, so this is a big dream of mine. I also have good grades, good requirements overall.. but then there's my HPPD. It has made me fearful of studying and the social aspects (having to find friends at the start and so on, especially with the speech prolbems) of it.. no to speak of employment later in life where I would most likely be in some team leading position.

I should also add that I'm quite depressed since all of this started - that's why this post might seem a little pessimistic. But I'm definitly trying to think positive and hoping for improvement

So, my question would be: Has anyone else experienced something similar regarding the speech issues?

 

Best regards from Lower Saxony, Germany!

 

Please excuse spelling and grammatical errors.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 27, 2017 by rotbart
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[K.B.Fante]

I can relate to a lot of what you've been through. I also used to be very charismatic, well spoken, etc., only to become virtually mute for large stretches at a time while dealing with this. At first I didn't have problems with slurring or finding the right words, but now that my hormones are out of whack I also struggle with that as well. Speech problems are a common symptom of brain damage so it's not like you're experiencing anything abnormal.

Honestly, I think you're actually in a good position in terms of trying to heal. At such a young age your brain is more malleable and eager to repair whatever went wrong, just as long as you stay away from drugs and stress, eat healthy, etc. School can give you something to focus on, trying to get good grades and learn. Don't worry too much about what's down the road as you have plenty of time to recover. Also, try not to be concerned with what other people think of you. That's common for young people but you'll quickly realize it's also pointless and more harmful to your own happiness and well being. 

That said, if you've already had this for seven months chances are you're gonna have it for a while longer. Just remember that time is a powerful healer of many things and don't ever give up even when you think you've lost all hope and can't take the pain any longer. I've been there far too many times and am very happy I haven't caved in!

Edited January 28, 2017 by K.B.Fante

[rotbart]

Thanks for your contrucive answer man! 

[dukkha]

Hi Rotbart,

 

I must say, it's a pleasure to make your virtual acquaintance because you sound exactly like me. I also got HPPD from 2c-I (or 2c-B maybe?) but I'm sure the random shit in the ecstasy also didn't help. My symptoms are like yours too, my moderate visuals are manageable but the anxiety around speaking in front of people is terrible. I also use to be extremely eloquent before HPPD. Now it comes and goes. Sometimes I'm my old self and sometimes I feel literally retarded. Strangely enough, what I've found is that masturbation also can affect my voice a lot. I've actually gotten great result from abstaining from jerking off as strange as it may sound. I'm not opposed to it morally or whatever, but it's honestly what works for me. I know you're a young dude but if you're desperate consider giving it a chance. 

 

Wow man, reading your story again I have to say I'm touched. I remember myself when I was 19 and exactly in your position. I was in university and was loving the studies but struggling like hell from HPPD. So I guess the good news is that I'm 28 now and life got a lot better. I did well in my studies and began to get more confidence, and with the confidence I got my eloquence and happy life back.

 

I would like to echo Boozebome and say that basically you have to maintain and healthy and simple life. Obviously drugs and drinking, even weed (or perhaps I should say especially weed) should not even be a consideration. Try to do a little bit of exercise and meditation, but don't stress out over being perfect or doing a lot. A psychiatrist could help if that's an option or even just a friend you can talk to. The forum is good to get your shit out, but it's also bad if you start reading all the topics day after day. Get outside and talk a nice walk to get some fresh air. 

 

It's good if you have one or two good friend. You don't have to tell them about HPPD or anything but if you have someone who you are comfortable to be around then you can feel confident to say whatever you want. Basically the reason we clam up and cannot express ourselves is due to hope and fear. The hope of being accepted and praised and the fear of being rejected and disgraced. So spend time with friends who you can say any sort of non-sense bullshit that comes to your mind. And also think that the other people around you, students or teachers or whatever, are not going to be in your life forever and who gives a fuck about what they think. And to be honest, they are also too self-centered and too insecure about themselves to have time to pay attention to the little subtle oddities in your voice that, to you, sound like huge errors. So don't worry about it.

 

Luckily you're a young dude whose brain is still growing. Thanks to neuroplasticity you can heal from this shit and get better. You sound like a brilliant young man who is experiencing some obstacles. Welcome to the game brother. Keep your head up and everything is going to be just fine. That's my 2 cents, as they say in America.

 

-Dukkha

[rotbart]

@dukkha

thank you so much for sharing your story! it really gives me hope for the future.

and also thank you very much for the kind words. reading your post warmed my heart.

 

I will actually start studying b.sc. mechanical engineering in Darmstadt/Braunschweig this october. It's gonna be tough but it's also a big chance to solve my issues with socialising, to get over the HPPD related issues and to finally get a happy/fullfilled life back.

To others who might read this: Don't lose hope.. I'm one year in and I can definitely say that even if the symptoms themselves don't improve, you'll feel better every month. Just get outta there and progress in life - just do something productive. socialising, excercising, reading, meditating, studying.. doing some hobby etc. You just have to go continously forward and in one, two years or maybe even more you will be happy again. Work towards that. You will be fine

 

Edited July 20, 2017 by rotbart

[Guest]

I must be one of the unlucky ones because this shit isnt getting any better.

[rotbart]

Well my symptoms are technically not improving, they even got a little bit worse. But I got alot better at coping and going out there to go on with my life. Socialising, working part-time, excercising etc. - it's often a pain in the ass because I feel spaced out alot (yk, that trippy feeling, not really being there) and feel fatigued most of the time. I'm still depressed and hopeless regulary but at least I make progress and feel somewhat better and that gives me hope. Sometimes, besides the VS and trippy feel, I acutally feel like my old self. Only for a few minutes up to maybe half an hour but it happens more often. It shows that you can actually do something and improve, even if it's a very slow process.