To the psych ward and back

[415_stylee]

Hello!

You may have noted that I´ve not been active for a long time, and it has reasons.

In the last few months my life had come to a point were it was no longer possible keep on living. I was so tired of the HPPD, DP/DR, ADD i.e. all health problems. Plus having to live on a pension so low that you have to eat almost only oatmeal porridge and beg for food from people to survive. Then also having a debt on ~3563 dollars (calculated from Swedish crowns) which I didn´t really cause. This debt was close to going to repo. And losing one of my best friends, and my mother being terminally ill (not long left to live). Plus that the best doctor I´ve ever had got sick (burnout), and I was left with the same quacks I´ve had the last few years, who have not helped me one bit.

Everything (including my likewise s***ty life before these events) just broke my spirit to the point of being suicidal, not having any emotion when I attempted suicide. To kill myself became as natural and needed as eating dinner. I had completely given up. At this point I also drank reckless amounts of alcohol and became very aggressive.

Some of my relatives and my GF convinced me to being admitted to the psych ward, which was a very good decision now in retrospect.

I spent a week there eating 4+ meals a day and got a lot of meds. I found out that my sleeping disorders were really serious, since they had to use up to 4 types of meds to sedate me (Zopiclone, Theralen, Melatonin and diazepam). I also found out that my neuropsychriatic evaluation was done-- I have ADD with Autismspectrum.

And my back is already worn out, have several pain points in the spinal discs. The doctors at the psych ward understood that serotonergic drugs make my condition worse, no more nagging about that. They understand the severity of my disorders, and promised to not postphone any treatment anymore.

They also do not doubt that I have HPPD, and I might get Keppra. I already have begun Wellbutrin at 150 mg. Got it to counter my ADD (Wellbutrin is a DA) instead of Strattera, since Strattera is more likely to cause self-destructive behaviour in the "setting in" period. Ritalin is of course contraindicated because of my HPPD.

Anyway, I feel a bit better now. Wellbutrin is working well, takes away a lot of aggression and restlessness, and makes me more capable of controlling my emotions in general. And I´m lot less jittery in the body. DA´s have always made me kinda drowsy to, which is not really negative.

My HPPD is unchanged, neither worse or better. No serious side-effects either. Wellbutrin is therefore a got option for a HPPD:er with ADD, though of course, DA´s only remove the worst symptoms of ADD, but does´nt cure it.

For the sleep I now take Zopiclone/Theralen/Melatonin. They´re only somewhat effective in combination, apart none of them sedates me at all. Have to take these for atleast 6 months, my sleep rythm is so disturbed that I need to use brute force (this drug coctail) to shift it right again.

I still have a lot of fatigue, sweating episodes, joint/muscle pain, bowel problems, tender lymphs and aphtae (sore throat) but I still don´t know what causes it. One doctor thought it might be a autoimmune disorder.

I have promised my now terminally ill mother to keep on living and try to be happy. Which I will! Even though it feels near impossible..

[VisualDude]

Wow, you are in a rough patch. Now that you have been at the clinic, are they going to help in other ways such as increasing your pension?

fatigue, sweating episodes, joint/muscle pain, bowel problems, tender lymphs and aphtae (sore throat) – sounds like CFS http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronic_fatigue_syndrome

[415_stylee]

The doctors promised to discuss the pension and argue for an increase. And they will not hesitate anymore with perscribing medicines, examinations and treatments.

Yes, I think it might be CFS too. All symptoms matches CFS. I guess psychosomatic causes are ruled out since I´ve had the same symptoms for about 5 years, regardless of medicines and anxiety levels. Psychiatrists always try to say that it´s all psychological, they don´t really think "out of the box" often.

The doctor who said it seems to be an autoimmune disorder was a supervisor specialist in neuropsychiriatric and anxiety disorders (he was also the doctor who got sick). He was i.m.o ten times more competent than the other doctors, took his time, studied my case a lot. Too bad this type of competent and caring doctors are very rare..

Thank you for being thoughtful, Visual.

[Jay1]

While saddened to hear about your recent battle... i'm glad that you have come through it with some positives.

Keep on fighting, we will all beat this shit one day

[415_stylee]

While saddened to hear about your recent battle... i'm glad that you have come through it with some positives.

Keep on fighting, we will all beat this shit one day

Thank you for your thoughtfulness, Jay1. Well I guess a little bit of good always comes out of a whole heap of bad, right?

I´ll keep on fighting as long as I´m still breathing, indeed we´ll beat this s**t!!

[1998]

I had a similiar experience a few years back 415_. I was extremely depressed from hppd and was drinking alot of alcohol with my klonopin, and taking soma plus vicodin to try to numb the pain. One night I was so sad about my Mom dying a few yrs back and was drinking heavy with extreme dp/dr kicking in. I grabbed an old picture of my Mom and me and just swallowed a bottle of klonopin and sleeping pills. My Wife noticed right away and they flushed everything out at the ER.

I was then put into a psych ward for close to a month where I never mentioned hppd because of fear they might throw coctails of pills at me. They treated me for bipolar II and panic anxiety disorder. They gave me 4mg. of klonopin daily along with depakote. (I only take 3.25 mg of klono daily still alot)

The first month on depakote was hell but after a while I noticed I didn't feel like kicking the shit out of anybody that looked at me wrong and was able to function over all better which was great. I blamed hppd for everything wrong in life, but sometimes we don't realize there's other problems that could be treated that aren't related to hppd.

I hope they pay for your meds the rest of your life as they're doing for me as long as I make all scheduled appointments.

I really feel your pain, mentally and physically. I also have ruptured disks that make it hard to walk sometimes. The most important thing that got me back on my feet was getting a job and doing physical therapy on my back and excersising as much as possible. If you can't find work try to do hobbies. Camping, fishing, ect.... Feel better man, we only live once don't end it, longterm solution to a shorterm problem. keep your head up later

[415_stylee]

I had a similiar experience a few years back 415_. I was extremely depressed from hppd and was drinking alot of alcohol with my klonopin, and taking soma plus vicodin to try to numb the pain. One night I was so sad about my Mom dying a few yrs back and was drinking heavy with extreme dp/dr kicking in. I grabbed an old picture of my Mom and me and just swallowed a bottle of klonopin and sleeping pills. My Wife noticed right away and they flushed everything out at the ER.

I was then put into a psych ward for close to a month where I never mentioned hppd because of fear they might throw coctails of pills at me. They treated me for bipolar II and panic anxiety disorder. They gave me 4mg. of klonopin daily along with depakote. (I only take 3.25 mg of klono daily still alot)

The first month on depakote was hell but after a while I noticed I didn't feel like kicking the shit out of anybody that looked at me wrong and was able to function over all better which was great. I blamed hppd for everything wrong in life, but sometimes we don't realize there's other problems that could be treated that aren't related to hppd.

I hope they pay for your meds the rest of your life as they're doing for me as long as I make all scheduled appointments.

I really feel your pain, mentally and physically. I also have ruptured disks that make it hard to walk sometimes. The most important thing that got me back on my feet was getting a job and doing physical therapy on my back and excersising as much as possible. If you can't find work try to do hobbies. Camping, fishing, ect.... Feel better man, we only live once don't end it, longterm solution to a shorterm problem. keep your head up later

Thank you for understanding! It really warms my heart. Like you are telling me here is very close to what happened to me.

I´ll keep on living. Mostly because I´m stubborn as hell, and I promised my mom!

The debt is now solved. I had to take out my heritage from mom prematurely. Mom told me "what good does these money do in the future, when it can save you from disaster now".

So, that´s one big stone lifted from my shoulders.

I´ll probably get Keppra soon, my doctor says. Then I´ll have Wellbutrin + Keppra + sleep meds. Maybe there´s a future after all..

Hopefully I can get so functional that I can have part-time, protected job from the municipality. The doctors promised to arrange such a job when I feel better. Otherwise, I´ll get a permanent, non-questionable, pension when I reach the age of 29. Whatever it´ll be, I´ll not give up on my life again.

[dukkha]

Wow my friend, my heart goes out to you in hope that your immense suffering will lessen. Sounds like things are moving in the right directions. The forums are here for you as much as they can be.

Dukkha