Breaking The Cycle

[SlavicPsychonaut]

Hello Everyone!

Long time forum indulger, first time poster. After viewing a myriad of discouraging topics pertaining to this insidious neuropsychological illness I felt compelled to post a positive topic that can generate some intelligent, anecdotal discussion. For me, (and I'm inferring I can attest for others) after my HPPD symptoms manifested after a horrific LSD trip I also developed a perpetual pathology of self-loathing for myself and how I had permanently altered my consensual perception of reality. This self-loathing had completely eradicated my aspirations, physical health and created alienation from anybody that remotely attempted to assist me. Eleven months had passed since my first HPPD symptoms manifested and my symptoms had ameliorated to the extent that I could function in everyday society; I still felt emotional atrophy.

Gradually, over the course of two and a half years I've reconciled with myself and broke the perpetual cycle of self-loathing, which, in my opinion is the initial step to recovery. I'm not trying to undermine the severity of this illness, I still genuinely struggle to forgive myself for existing in the ethereal realm; you just have to if you intend to ever derive joy from life while concurrently having HPPD. HPPD is not worth committing suicide over, HPPD is not worth ruminating for the rest of your life why it was imposed on you, HPPD isn't worth devoting a single neuron to, because it is impermanent, finite and erroneous. The best psychological retraining was to simply ignore it existed and acclimate to the surreal as a new, albeit foreign perspective on life. Embrace don't condemn what happened to you; this is probably more germane to individuals who acquired HPPD via psychoactive drugs, (including myself) but it dragged us from the cesspool of self-destruction and made us introspectively re-evaluate the cumulative toll of our drug of choice.

HPPD inspired me to become a more disciplined, ambitious and more altruistic person. Never concede to this bullshit; life hasn't lost it's value, enjoyment or overall personal purpose for you. This is my inaugural post, but I intend to be present to offer my unconditional advice and assistance to those who are feeling hopelessness and despair in their current stage of HPPD. I promised as soon as I conquered HPPD, I'd dedicate some time to these forums and innervate some hope for new sufferers, so here I am. Feel free to PM me anytime, guys!

[LaizzesFaire]

Thank you for coming back and sharing your story! I must say your post was genuinely inspiring. As for the self loathing, which I can certainly relate to, I believe this is one of the most important features of this disorders to address. My disassociation started at the same time I became extremely concerned about the fuzziness in the visual field which didn´t bother me for almost a year. With the help of therapy I´ve also been able to take some of the weight off of this mess. So, even though the visuals are still present, my ability to function somewhat normally and engaging in life is far better now. Hopefully I´ll reach your point through time and acceptance.

[cpandrews]

Very true words. I am a fourth-year student at a competitive university and following the onset of my symptoms last march I really became enveloped in a pretty vicious cycle of fixating solely on the change in my perception, ultimately circulating around the fear that I would no longer be able to perform well academically (or that worse-that I had just utterly fried my conceptual abilities). I considered dropping-out, but stuck to it, and after a rough semester, I've gotten largely back on track. I think you are absolutely correct that the first step is really letting go, for me this first improvement I saw in my symptoms was at the point when I was able to stop constantly fixating on my symptoms, and just focus on the everyday happenings of my life.