Emotional trauma and hppd

[stormbel]

Hi everyone! I'm so glad I found this website. 

 

I don't know where to begin as my life story is so complicated. I have had a run of very bad luck; event after event. I'm 16 and I have had hppd for 6 months. It all started from taking 150 morning glory seeds (LSA) as I wanted to take a break from reality in my damaged, broken, abused state. I had no idea about hppd as I had never heard of it before, they didn't even mention it during a drug education talk at school. Instead they were talking about the dangerous effects of weed, alcohol, etc. (I wish I had become an alcoholic instead, believe me!) I have PTSD, clinical depression, ADD and extremely bad anxiety. I have been bullied most of my life because of a learning disability. This had a huge effect on my self esteem. It's also the reason why I turned to drugs. I took these psychedelic seeds after many traumatic experiences, and I was so excited reading about them because you could just buy them at a garden center... If I only knew what would happen at that time! I didn't have a clue that it was related to anxiety. I also smoked a lot of weed after this, every day. I also took ritalin 20mg. I had no idea that this makes it worse, I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I thought that I was just going insane. Now I have had to drop out of school because I couldn't possibly go on like this. Reading is so exhausting for my eyes and they keep going out of focus. (double vision also) and I have severe brain fog. That was my breaking point. All I ever wanted to do was to finish school because it was a huge part of my trauma and I wanted to leave it behind me. I have no one to talk to as I'm told that I'm lying. The doctors gave me Mirtazapine for my anxiety, but it just made all the symptoms worse. The doctors don't take me seriously, and they told me that they wouldn't take any suggestions for medication when I asked for keppra. I have a lot of symptoms: bad visual snow, afterimages, trailing, starbursts, light sensitivity, blotches of colour on white walls, things melting into each other or disappearing in the dark, tunnel vision, and when I look at the light and then look at something, it starts to disappear.

 

I have not smoked weed for 3 months and it's not getting better. I can't bear the visuals 24/7 anymore and I'm so scared that it will never go away. I miss my old self so much. 

 

I wish everyone the best. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. 

[StateOfRegret]

Hi stormbel, your story was very moving - I'm very sorry for you. The fact that people around you are not treating you right, and that the doctors are obviously not being very helpful is just adding insult to injury!

6 months is not very long when it comes to HPPD - there is still every reason to believe that you will recover in time
In the meantime: this board is good for support and advice, but spending too much time on it may not be good for everyone (hyperfocusing on HPPD symptoms generally doesn't lead to anything good).

 

(This makes me think (as others have probably done before me) that we really need to put together a professional-looking document detailing the symptoms and possible medical treatment options of HPPD, with references to primary literature. I'll definitely begin looking into that soon! Perhaps two versions would be in order - one for relatives, and one for medical professionals.)

[stormbel]

Thanks for the quick reply! Knowing that I'm not alone with this keeps me going. I'm desperate to be able to think straight again so that I can start studying. I have tried L tyrosine and I found it helpful with anxiety. It gave me a lift. It might not suit everyone but I believe everyone who has anxiety and depression should give it a shot!!

[stormbel]

Thanks for the quick reply! Knowing that I'm not alone with this keeps me going. I'm desperate to be able to think straight again so that I can start studying. I have tried L tyrosine and I found it helpful with anxiety. It gave me a lift. It might not suit everyone but I believe everyone who has anxiety and depression should give it a shot!!

[StateOfRegret]

I've been considering giving L-tyrosine a shot myself.

You seem like an intelligent person who can speak for him/her self. I cannot fathom why your family do not take your ailments seriously. I would be furious in your case, I think (not that it would be helpful, of course).

[stormbel]

I'm happy to say that my family is very understanding, that's not a problem. And yes, I'm sure everyone would be furious. I'm in despair because the doctors are so ignorant and refuse to give me any medication that may be helpful. They don't understand that it's a visual thing. Also, I had an EEG scan done and it came out normal, so they just sent me home empty handed. I've heard that this is the case with a lot of people with hppd.

[StateOfRegret]

I'm happy to say that my family is very understanding, that's not a problem.

That seems to contradict your original statement:

I have no one to talk to as I'm told that I'm lying.

[Guest]

I had an EEG scan done and it came out normal, so they just sent me home empty handed. I've heard that this is the case with a lot of people with hppd.

 

I´ve had EEG and MRI. All was fine. It´s not exactly brain damage anyway.

[stormbel]

I'm talking about doctors and friends, sorry for the misunderstanding.

[stormbel]

Which kind of scan shows hppd?

[StateOfRegret]

If you look in the literature, you'll see that they usually find some qEEG abnormalities, as far as I remember.

[stormbel]

I see! I'll definitely ask the neurologist about this. 

[Missjess]

I'm happy to say that my family is very understanding, that's not a problem. And yes, I'm sure everyone would be furious. I'm in despair because the doctors are so ignorant and refuse to give me any medication that may be helpful. They don't understand that it's a visual thing. Also, I had an EEG scan done and it came out normal, so they just sent me home empty handed. I've heard that this is the case with a lot of people with hppd.

I too just got an EEG done and mine was normal too...I certainly do not have extreme or full blown hppd but I have a very mild form of it along with severe dpd that got exacerbated after Iboga use

I rlly hope u get better ur only 16 and still gotta go to school and get a future ahead of u not sure how u feel about alternative healing ? But I'm going to see john of god this Friday in Brazil he is a famous Brazilian healer that heals ppl with entities and helping spirits ...I have personally spoken to a number of ppl who have been helped by him, 1 lady having gone with drug induced psychosis and being significantly helped.

Anyways I am yet to go myself and report back whether or not he can help me...if he does I will make a massive post about it on this forum for all to see and possibly consider for themselves.

[Missjess]

If you look in the literature, you'll see that they usually find some qEEG abnormalities, as far as I remember.

Perhaps I should get a qEEG again...I got one a number of years ago for my dp and it showed a lot.

Mayb it will prove more about minor hppd who knows..

[Syntheso]

A sad story indeed, but, on the bright side, you seem very intelligible and mature for a 16 year old. I sense that from the way you write. 

Keep your head up! You are particularly young and I have confidence that you will recover if you treat your mind and body well from this point onwards.

[hppd24years]

Hi everyone! I'm so glad I found this website. 

 

I don't know where to begin as my life story is so complicated. I have had a run of very bad luck; event after event. I'm 16 and I have had hppd for 6 months. It all started from taking 150 morning glory seeds (LSA) as I wanted to take a break from reality in my damaged, broken, abused state. I had no idea about hppd as I had never heard of it before, they didn't even mention it during a drug education talk at school. Instead they were talking about the dangerous effects of weed, alcohol, etc. (I wish I had become an alcoholic instead, believe me!) I have PTSD, clinical depression, ADD and extremely bad anxiety. I have been bullied most of my life because of a learning disability. This had a huge effect on my self esteem. It's also the reason why I turned to drugs. I took these psychedelic seeds after many traumatic experiences, and I was so excited reading about them because you could just buy them at a garden center... If I only knew what would happen at that time! I didn't have a clue that it was related to anxiety. I also smoked a lot of weed after this, every day. I also took ritalin 20mg. I had no idea that this makes it worse, I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I thought that I was just going insane. Now I have had to drop out of school because I couldn't possibly go on like this. Reading is so exhausting for my eyes and they keep going out of focus. (double vision also) and I have severe brain fog. That was my breaking point. All I ever wanted to do was to finish school because it was a huge part of my trauma and I wanted to leave it behind me. I have no one to talk to as I'm told that I'm lying. The doctors gave me Mirtazapine for my anxiety, but it just made all the symptoms worse. The doctors don't take me seriously, and they told me that they wouldn't take any suggestions for medication when I asked for keppra. I have a lot of symptoms: bad visual snow, afterimages, trailing, starbursts, light sensitivity, blotches of colour on white walls, things melting into each other or disappearing in the dark, tunnel vision, and when I look at the light and then look at something, it starts to disappear.

 

I have not smoked weed for 3 months and it's not getting better. I can't bear the visuals 24/7 anymore and I'm so scared that it will never go away. I miss my old self so much. 

 

I wish everyone the best. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

[hppd24years]

I too received this disorder when I was like 15 to 16ish. I never knew what the hell hit me either no doctors had any idea of hppd including myself.. It was a horrific experience it did relieve itself from me for around 6years in my mid twenties but it came back harder than when I first initially came a victim to it. I know it was from coffee drinking over a period of years that resurrected the hops back in me. I strongly recommend to stay away from anything with caffeine in it. Trust.. Even when u get better don't fall for pure pressure with any drugs because just remember it can and probably will entice self produced progression always remember that it can get worse from not making the right choice. U don't want to be chasing normality for 25 years like me now from making the wrong choice. Stay clean be positive and u will over come it trust. Hppd25yearsnowandstillbreathing.