Hello,Im here to learn and help

[Lobotomizer]

Hello everyone, Im going to try and keep from rambling as much as possible but I have sooooo much to say and don't know how to fit it all into one thread and keep it from being "too much to swallow" so I will touch on as much as possible and if you have any questions feel free to ask as I hop what Ive gone through may help some of you and I would also like to learn

 

Ok so first of al I have been a member before....long ago when the forum had a dark blue and boxier scheme, I remember one of the more interesting posters was a guy named "Lucid". Hi Lucid if youre still posting. Anyway I have no memory of my account info so I had to start a new one.

 

So Ive been using psychedelics for 20 plus years and the only thing I know for sure is that they have the ability to hurt some of us and help some as well. They are a powerful tool and not to be taken lightly. That being said Ive gone through some horrific trips and have gone through HPPD (I still have it). I have stopped using psychedelics for a large chunk of the last four years and started using again albeit treading carefully. I was much more irresponsible with my dosage, set and setting prior to the onset of my problems as a result of these drugs.

 

So back in in 94 I discovered LSD and used it extremely frequently until 96. Initially it was a lot of fun and I got my kicks from visiting the psychedelic realms, however one bad trip lead to the next four years being hell and misery. This was my onset of HPPD, perhaps? Looking back at this event with a more collected state of mind I really believe that the onset of my HPPD was within the first few doses of LSD, in fact I believe this to be the case with anyone that uses psychedelics, however I may be wrong, its just speculative at this point. I believe I noticed mine as a result of PTSD like symptoms from extreme trauma. Ive asked a lot of my friends who tolerate psychedelics well about there visual symptoms and most will agree that they have visual snow, slight trailing etc, etc. I believe that I noticed mine due to spiritual and emotional trauma. In the same way war vets become delusional and believe things are happening that really aren't our HPPD perhaps gets exacerbated by the root cause of emotional trauma.

 

So for the next four years the only thing I could do to make myself feel better was to drink booze as I was in a constant state of agony. I feared that my food could be laced with LSD. I feared that I was stuck in a "plastic" world. (dp/dr I believe) and I was just so depressed as a result. I did any kind of research I could to try and find answers to my current state and I found a few suggestions along the way that where more in the "hair of the dog" school of thought. Well, fast forward four years and I figured things have slowly gotten better mentally but I knew I was still traumatized from my one high dose LSD experience, but I figured Id give a low dose of mushrooms a shot...I figured they were different than LSD. Well I was mostly wrong as they were very similar and initially I felt uncomfortable but it began leveling out and I rode the feeling out. Anyway when I came down from the experience I felt "cleansed". From that day forward I made a fairly rapid recovery, at least emotionally. I didn't even notice my visual disturbances. I felt "cured". I believe this to be a result of the mushrooms helping me come to terms with everything. That these drugs wont "hurt" me. As my main fear was being dosed again unexpectedly, or losing my mind. Now Im not suggesting that anyone follow my path but this is what worked for me. When I returned from the mushroom trip I felt probably 60% better than before and rapidly rached about 85% recovery within the next week. After this point I used mushrooms at varying dosages over the next 12 years. Not only did I use varying dosages but I had many experiences ranging from uncomfortable and just plain bad to spiritual and life changing. In fact I had one experience that resulted me in quitting two addictive substances (alcohol and tobacco) immediately after the experience. This lasted a good three years and then I returned to my bad behaviors. I have not noticed any increase in visual disturbances from mushrooms however I did use one RC (25c-nbome) recently that seems to have slightly exacerbated it for me. Ive used LSD on occasion since and have also seen a slight exacerbation but nothing very notable. My emotional state is stable.  

 

I do have to warn about cannabis. I find cannabis very uncomfortable to this day, Ive never really enjoyed after my bad experience with LSD but even before then it was a bit "wierd" for me so I believe that if you are not comfortable using cannabis that may be a warning sign that more powerful psychedelics may effect your emotional state and HPPD. I believe people who are neurotic or worry a lot about more trivial things than others are succeptable as well. Ive noticed more easy going people seem to have less issues using psychs.

 

The bottom line is everything is constantly changing our brain chemistry. Remember this, you will never return to a state prior to tripping because its impossible. I feel we must accept this. These powerful drugs just showed us how much our brains can change after one experience. You cant unlearn what you've experienced but you can come to terms with it and you can find contentment and happiness beyond your wildest dreams, just as you could before you had your drug experiences. I thought this was impossible but I did it. I was the most fucked up person I knew from drugs between 96-2000. But now I feel normal. I still get angry, I still feel sadness and I become joyful but I have control again. It just takes time and passion to get better.

 

Currently I use psychedelics a few times a year without many problems. Ill report back here as perhaps I could be your guinea pig of sorts and you guys can learn from me and I will learn from you as well.

 

-Regards

 

 

[Lobotomizer]

I know many of you may read my above post and assume "stupid" or "irresponsible" regarding the continued drug use. Well I can assure you that Im not stupid and Im open to "irrespnsible" but I have recovered to a very significant degree. I live life to its fullest and feel as though HPPD never took place in my life. That being said, I feel that Im a lot more careful and safe with my frequency of use, dosage, and substances.

 

Also I would like to add that the following things have helped since the initial onset of HPPD:

 

-Spiritual practices, energy work, meditation. I don't believe in a god in the classic sense, but I believe that there is some sort of devine order in the cosmos and I feel that focusing on this has helped IMMENSLY. Also avoid people that tell you different as I don't believe that atheistic points of view will help such a condition as feeling so helpless and hopeless, it would be conducive to call on a bit of divine intervention for recovery.

 

-Working out/excersice this helps the body create endorphins which wwill give you the emotional strength to battle your condition. I recommend heavy weights and heavy cardio. Makes me feel like Im walking on a cloud all day.

 

-Stop watching anything that me evoke unpleasant thoughts or emotions. No news, no horror movies. These things made me feel more hopeless.

 

-School/academics- exercising the brain. The more you use the brain the more neuropathways you will create the stronger your emotional state will get. Challenge yourself with mathematics and language arts. I have found that challenging my brain with mathematics has helped me sleep more soundly at night better than any physical exercise ever could.  

 

-Stay AWAY FROM CANNABIS. I don't know why but it seems that cannabinoids may be extrememly harmful to many peoples emotional state and can worsen symptoms of HPPD exponentially. If you absolutely need something to calm down when things get too rough an occasional drink or two is what I used with success.

 

I hope my subjective experiences may help some of you guys. I would like to give something to the community as I didn't have much support or help through my horrific four years of hell.

[hppd33]

How do you cope with dp/dr? Did you also used medication? If so what did you take?

I am now 22 months underway in my hppd journey, but I dont experience a decrease in symptoms! I am getting depresseder with the day.. Not that i will kill myself, but its almost unhuman what MDMA can do with you. 

 

Also i have the idea that MDMA induced HPPD is other then LSD ones, i did do shrooms in the past(like 15years ago) but this XTC-like vision on the world is driving me insane, its consantly if i look at postcard all day, like everything is unreal.. with that i have no feelings at all anymore, no happiness, no love feelings. 

 

Like you say, dont wtch movies or the news, i cant even look 1.5 hour to a movie, i dont have the concentration to follow it, also i forget the names of the characters in the movies.. etc. The news, i dont care about anymore also, i have no detachemnet what is happening in the world or my country, even what happens in my family. If someone dies in my family i cannot feel with them, like others can, pure because of this HPPD.

[hppd33]

oops double post

[Lobotomizer]

It went away my friend, that is after four long years. I had it so severly that everything took on a "plastic" feel. Or things seemed to have a manufactured feel, if you will. At times I would have complete ego loss while out of no where..as in I wouldn't recognize my own hands. I think cannabis worsens this feeling, so definatly don't indulge in that. I believe meditation can help with dp/dr quite a bit. I must admit that I also used alcohol when things got unbearable but I cant recommend that to anyone. Also, as you probably know many people have DP/DR without having prior drug use, thus it may be comorbid with your hppd and may be treated simultaneously. In other words...treat the HPPD and the DP/DR will follow or visa versa. Hope this helps.

[hppd33]

Yup i feel like that. Did you also had closed eye visuals?

[chrismo]

FFS.

[Lobotomizer]

FFS.

What does this mean? Sorry not very hip to internet lingo

[Lobotomizer]

Yup i feel like that. Did you also had closed eye visuals?

Oh yeah, I was in a perpetual "light trip" and then would have panic attacks which led to acute heavy bad trip scenarios that felt as if I was peaking on LSD. Once I almost ran into a busy intersection to escape the horror. Overtime the frequency of the events subsided. To answer your question yes I had closed and open eye visuals. Faces appeared in all surfaces, most noticeably at night.

[StateOfRegret]

-Spiritual practices, energy work, meditation. I don't believe in a god in the classic sense, but I believe that there is some sort of devine order in the cosmos and I feel that focusing on this has helped IMMENSLY. Also avoid people that tell you different as I don't believe that atheistic points of view will help such a condition as feeling so helpless and hopeless, it would be conducive to call on a bit of divine intervention for recovery.

Conversely, I resent the notion that atheists lead hopeless lives, or that non-spiritual thinking somehow leads to helplessness and hopelessness. I do not believe in the existence any divine entity, and I certainly do not find my life hopeless. In fact, I have never felt depressed. Even when I was feeling my worst, I always believed in the possibility of improvement. The world is a rich, fantastic place with or without any so-called spirituality.

[chrismo]

Well said, sir.