What's up? Newbie here...

[Benny]

Yo!

I was looking for a HPPD forum and stumbled across this site - seemed to be the best bet, but it seems a little bit dead at the moment, or hopefully I am wrong....?

I suppose I don't really need to give you much insight as to why I am here - I guess you could say that I am here to meet like minded (literally) individuals to discuss our 'being differentness'.

Although I write in the title that I am a newbie here, I'm not really a newbie on the subject, I've probably been experiencing HPPD to some extent for around the last 5 years. I am 22.

Sorry that this is so long, but my story is a long story.

I guess it started around the age of 17, althougth I can't remember exactly. I remember just suddenly and randomly noticing one night, what we all know as visual snow. It was when I was in bed, ready to sleep, I had never noticed it before, it could of been there but htis is the first time it became substantial enough to attract my attention. I just dealt with it, it wasn't too bad at the time, of course I thought it strange but it wasn't really affecting day to day life and before long, I got used to it. I had no idea though what could of caused it. At this point in life, weed was the only thing I had ever touched and only on rare occassions.

Althoughhhh, when I was around 15 years old, I smoked a load of weed around my friends house one night, and had a truly crazy experience. I felt stoned and out of it so led town on the couch to relax, not really looking at anything in particular.... I went into a kind of trance, my brain sort of switched off or something, I must of been there just staring for likje 15 mins, but can't account for any of it, the next thing I know, someone says something to me and it sorta like switches me back on and everything just goes 'BAM'... I feel absolutely nuts, everything feels wobbly and crazy, I am out of the world, I can remember just hearing a real loud buzzing, and can remember the frequency seemed to change smoothly up and down, and with it the world would feel solid and tight with the buzz at the top of the frequency and then as the buzzing lowered in frequency everything felt wobbly.... Ot was really strange, it felt like I could hear my blood being pumped around my body or something... it's not possible to describe accurately.... I had a panic attack, rode it through, really freaked out though, and ever since, was worried constantly as it scared the shit out of me....

I tried again to smoke weed after, and noticed it starting to happen again...

I would be okay, then feel my muscles randomly start to twitch a little, and then sort of fall into this gaze, just staring at nothingness, and it would blank my mind, I wouldn't be there at all for a second, like being hypnotized is the best I can describe it then all of a sudden snap out of it, like whoa, kind of shocked as to whats going on, and again feel the above symptoms... the droning buzzing sound again... and this sound was really sorta droooooonniig high and low....

Of course this freaked me out, and I always thought that I never quite felt the same since. I have no idea what was up with that weed, or my chemistry, to this day I have no idea what kind of reaction I get from smoking weed. Anyway,

time moved by, I got on with things, but I always had anxiety to a certain degree, but everything was manageable, as long as I stayed the fuck away from weed, until this visual snow developed randomly 2 years later.. So I still managed to carry on through it, just ignoring this stuff, and then I got to the age to go out and party... So I was (am) big into music, and partying, and so came the more shall we say involving drugs........

From the age 18 upwards, I did a lot of cocaine, on and off, never got addicted, never have done, always had the ability to be 'over it'.....But, I am a pretty imaginative/creative person, and really preffered the idea of hallucinogens. I still took coke on and off, not really bothered about it, but if it was around, i'd just take some purely to have some fun conversations with my friends.... Then I discovered MDMA.

MDMA isn't really known for being a classic hallucinogenic, but it really can be. We were (un)lucky enough to score the best MD for a while. There was a period of it. Always, absolute pure MDMA crystals that would make you go wild, but always only available to buy in an 1/8th for about 125 pound. I know people exaggerate about how good the MD they get is or whatever, but this stuff was truly mind blowing, one crystal and you were away in space....... Anyway, we took this stuff regularly,having fun, hugging each other all night, seeing our favourite cartoon characters come to life etc etc........ and now to cut to the chase -

One night, we got the 3.5g pure MDMA crystals... My friend bombed his dose in a rizla paper, probably about 0.25g. I preffered to just pop a bunch of crystals into my mouth and swallow. I took maybe 3 medium sized crystals, which normally would give a real nice comeup..... So, 15 minutes go by, and I expected any minute, a real nice come up, and then, BANG, comepletely out of it, eyes twitching alllll over the place, feeling like my left eye was on the right, and the right on the left, it was unbelievable... I spent almost an hour, trying to climb a 2 ft high fence, which had an open gate almost 2 feet away. I really was out of it. And you know what, the most stupid thing you can ever ever ever possibly do when your tripping that hard, is to carry a big bag with more of the stuff in it with you.

I am such a dick for this, but once you are so gone, you aren't so much in control anymore. I always was pretty responsible with dosages and stuff, and I had educated myself on substances, I knew the chemistry behind it and what to expect usually. So yeah needless to say, we took more. I don't remember much, but I know that between us, we consumed around 2.8 grams, so about one and a half each. Absolutely ridiculous considering the potency of a few crystals.

I tripped so hard it changed me forever. I remember it being light outside, but we left when it was dark, everything in the background was covered by this huge pink, bubble kind of honey-combe substance. So you would look down a street, it would look normal, and at the end, it would be blocked by this stuff and everything in the distance around you was blocked with it, we were surrounded, it was very claustraphobic and distressing. Actually, the first hallucination I had this night, was a woman stood in the middle of an empty road (it was probably 2am) with her head down, hands to the side, not moving, like the grudge style or something, I ran towards her to tell her to get out of the road or she will get hurt, and she just slowly faded away... So you tend to know it's gonna be a rough ride when that is your first hallucination. EVERYTHING looked incredibly real, as real as life, every hallucination, and they always faded slowly away to nothing, I saw my friends eyes just bleeding and looking totally fucked up, and hearing like a sinister breathing from everything. We would see shadows of people all screwed up on the floor, which would climb the walls and follow us, etc etc, you get the point.. Our own stupid fault I know, but thats what happened and there is no changing it. I felt awful since, my anxiety was unbelievable, and I could just sit crying for days. I couldnt make sense of anything. I know it messed me up, because I woke up with my forehead, and the areas around my eyes all swollen up.... Took a while to get to a 'stable' level, I guess I had absolutely no seretonin whatsoever for a while... I was obviously a bit of a silly boy! It even makes me feel real trippy just thinking about it.

Anyway, after this until now, a few years later almost, I'm pretty (90%) sure that I have HPPD. I have visual snow across everything, patterns really mess my vision up, especially grids, my thoughts have no structure, I have zaps, flashes etc. Everything breathes, some days everything is totally flat and I have no depth perception.... It's been a while since the MD trip which changed almosty everything. Things have changed since, I don't want to say better, I will just say that my visual snow is the main problem now. I seem to be getting my depth perception back a little, and I have some moments of clarity and it's like all the fog you are surrounded by suddenly subsides, and these moments are completely uplifting and refreshing, it's almost like someone throwing a bucket of cold water over your head, an awakening feeling. it's like "hey, i feel completely normal again" and slowly it goes back to being un-normal. I'm hoping that this will gradually get better until and IF my full sense of depth comes back. I swear during htese moments of clarity, it's like being able to see through or maybe past, all of my visual snow, does anyone else experience this? It makes me think, that it actually is a problem with your brains visual/perception filters, and I swear when I get this clarity, I have a feeling which feels as though all of a sudden you can actually feel all the signals/circuitry suddnely fall into the correct places... Pretty difficult to explain but just a real feeling of being 'right' in the context apposed to feeling 'wrong'.

I did use a few drugs since, I tried MD a couple of times again, stupidly, but it was kind of at a point of 'nothing to loose'... The effects were fairly average but always more trippy than usual. And someone gave me some MD and notified me after taking it that it was the SAME MDMA which had cause me to trip so bad, luckily it was a small dose. But I did remember it feeling 'strange' again... It was horrible, I just got this same unnerving and slightly sinister feeling I had got from it the first time.... I remember feeling it felt as if the MDMA was 'broken'.. Just not right, like the chemical formula was messed up or some shit. I also since used a little Ketamine, which was ridiculously trippy but normality was restored fairly quickly and I felt actually pretty good, and I tried mephedrone a few times, which is just an awful drug.

The last drug I took was around a year ago, and I plan to never take a drug again. Ever. I have lost the interest entirely, I feel I just like to live the quiet and ordinary life, in fact, the most ordinary life possible seems like a great idea to me. I just want to eat good food, do some sports and travel and enjoy innocent activities. These days, I'm just fighting the visual snow and anxiety....

But yeah, so thats me. I have an extensive list of symptoms/experiences, I'm here to share information, maybe I can help... maybe you can help me. I'm in the stage of just living with it, I got past the denial and all this stuff, now it is just a case of finding new ways to deal with my issues. If anyone has an explanation about any of the stuff I have written, please say, especially the thing about weed. To this day, If I have the tiniest toke on a spliff, I usually trip out completely. I guess I will never truly understand.

Sorry if I have made mistakes and for my fairly rushed style of writing, I have moved from the UK to Germany recently and English seems slightly unfamiliar at the moment.... Maybe it's another symptom!

Peace

[cassandra]

we're a lively bunch! honest, haha. but the site has completely changed, so it might take some time for all of the old members to come back. but there's lots of help and support from this group, just stick around! and welcome!

[alisa]

Hi Benny, Thanks for sharing your story. I know it can be hard to write it all down because when I do it sounds crazy, but believe me it doesn't sound crazy to me at all. And as you can see sometimes I write these long sentences where everything just runs together. My experience was with LSD in the late 1960s and I have a son your age, but even though I'm a lot older I can relate so much. I also did the MDA thing, too. Pot did weird things to me too even before LSD. It was kind of fun at first, but I often got scared and paranoid. My friends would all be having fun and I would develop this weird anxiety. Sounds like you are finding a simpler life style that I'm learning too is one of the keys to coping with Hppd. Also just knowing others can relate helps too. Take care Alisa

[camilaamilaa]

Hi Benny,

I'm new on here too but also not new to HPPD. You and I actually have very similar drug histories. I used cannabis when I was a young teenager until I had a horrible experience almost identical to the one you described. I never felt quite the same after that. I tried cannabis again a few times after that experience but always had anxiety and felt I was on the verge of another bad trip. About 4 years ago I started experiencing visual snow and terrible anxiety. I learned how to manage my anxiety, I had no idea I had HPPD, I thought I was just experiencing the beginning stages of schizophrenia. About 2 years ago I started using MDMA and cocaine recreationally. Pretty consistently the last 4 years I have had visual snow. It is the most severe at night or when I look at the sky, white walls, or when I am thinking about it. I stopped all MDMA use about 6 months ago, and all cocaine use about 5 months ago. I did so as an effort to see if my HPPD symptoms might go away, and also because my MDMA experiences were becoming unpleasant. Today, I would say my HPPD symptoms are very under control. I think the best advice I gathered from looking at forums over the years is to avoid thinking about your HPPD and to stop using drugs. I am so hopeful that someday I will be able to look at the stars at night without seeing snow and feeling anxiety. I hope that someday my HPPD will go away entirely and I will finally be able to see through this fog. I hope that this forum becomes more active! For years I thought I was the only person in the world who had ever felt this way. We should find peace in knowing we're not alone.