Thinking a lot about death

[bpl4269]

Lately Ive been tantalizing myself with the fantasy of death. I find the thought both terrifying and comforting. It seems as if I have irreversibly destroyed my life. I strive so very much for improvement of some kind, yet all I am met with is false hope and broken dreams. I love my family very much, and I know deep down that I would never take my life, but this journey we call life is more than I can bear. Every relationship ive ever had is shattered or broken in some way, and Ive burned every bridge ive built. So in turn, Im left with absolutely nothing. No self esteem, hardly any hope, broken relationships, and no one who cares to take the time to understand my plight. You people are all that I have. However pitiful that may sound, it is comforting to me that someone somewhere is going through this with me. Ive been waiting to get this off my chest. I find that when I spill my thoughts out on paper, or in this case an internet forum, I feel a little less depressed. Thanks for reading if you are somehow still with me. I guess im done :-/

[The Former Fiend]

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl.

 

Its a first person account written by the neurologist and psychotherapist (Frankl) who spent three long years in an Auschwitz concentration camp. He experienced complete dehumanisation.

 

He was tortured physically and emotionally, he was separated from his family, he was starved. He experienced the worst kind of suffering imaginable and both witnessed and experienced unparalleled cruelty, including cannibalism.

 

He still managed to find a reason to live. He was released after three years and created a form of psychotherapy called logo therapy. He even managed to live a relatively normal and happy life after his release.

 

This is not a solution. This is a book.

 

The book is not even 200 pages long but is rich with all matter of inspiration.

Read it and realise that there is purpose in life if you are WILLING TO LOOK FOR IT.

 

....

 

On a personal note (SORRY IF YOU HAVE HEARD ALL THIS BEFORE, I CHECKED YOUR PAGE & CONTENT AFTER WRITING THIS AND REALISE YOU HAVE BEEN ON THE SITE MUCH LONGER THAN I HAVE AND HAVE SEEN AN ACTUAL DR ABOUT IT... BUT HERE GOES):

 

I don't wish to sound harsh but seeing as you feel the way you have been, try to look at life as a giant computer game rich with purpose (IF YOU ARE WILLING TO LOOK FOR IT). Step by step improve yourself, day by day. Some days you will feel better and others you will crash back into oblivion. You must accept these days just as you must embrace the happy ones.

 

Change who you are... become who you want to be and realise that people have experienced much worse things and have truly come out stronger for it. Stop torturing yourself.

 

I suggest getting into a regimented programme that you create for yourself:

- Wake up and go to bed at approriate times - direct sunlight is proven to make people feel better (vitamin D blah blah)

- Start exercising intensely 3-5 days a week - natural endorphins and dopamine blah blah blah

- Eat healthily: meat, fruit, veg, oats, fish oils etc.. (The paleo diet is the best if you are serious about it)

- Start mediating - sounds like a load of omming and arring but it lowers cortisol (dominant stress hormone)

- Read interesting non-fiction like the book i recommended (or anything that is relevant to improving the way you currently feel)

- Stop self destructive behaviours such as biting your nails, only eating junk and staying up all night/sleeping all day etc.. these sound unimportant but behaviour patterns come in groups

- Groom yourself. Not in a vein or narcissistic way. I mean brush teeth twice a day, stay clean, cut hair or comb regularly, only wear clean clothes, trim your toenails, moisturise etc.. you probably do this but take pride in these actions as this will psychologically install self worth over time but you have to stick to it.

- Take up or expand on something creative: Art, Graphic design, music producing software, musical instruments, writing etc... Something in which you can document PROGRESSION (this is essential even if it is not 'creative')

- Make a list of everything you admired about your life and yourself before HPPD and the ones that you still have and find ways to increase the frequency or intensity of these in everyday circumstances.

- SET GOALS both short and long term - the future is what drives us to fill our existential vacuum.

 

--- Do not take medication if you havn't already tried ALL OF THIS ---

 

After you have been doing this for a solid and unfaltering month you should START to feel better.

 

Having taken care of yourself in this manner you will have a foundation on which to progress wether this be relationships, career, family, creativity - it could be ANYTHING and through this you will find meaning and relevance.

 

But you cant  help yourself without addressing the basics I listed above (i've probably missed a few out but its a good start).

 

For now, your motivation can simply be:

your personal struggle to find purpose and recapture your own relevance

 

This sounds ridiculous and cliched but is what works.

[wooshka]

Hey buddy, I too have been thinking about it lately, but, whenever I come to the depressing thought of taking my life and feeling as if it's too much to bear, I think of what it COULD be like if it ever goes away, that relief and stress free life, and then I will be stronger than ever. I know it sounds corny and what not, but it's all I have at the moment, I too have lost relationships and friendships because of this debilitating condition. If you ever need to chat man, hit me up with something I can contact you on and I'd gladly talk to you. Hope you're feeling a bit better now. Keep strong. x

[bpl4269]

The former fiend. Really appreciate your comment with ways to improve my life, but sadly I have been doing or have done everything you suggested in the past four months and have little to show for it. Mild symptom improvement, but the more debilitating of my symptoms have not subsided in the least. On top of all this I am going through mild benzo withdrawal after using .5 mg per day for eight days straight. I was prescribed them by dr abraham and was so tired of dealing with this condition everyday, I started blindly taking them. I decided though after some more research on long term side effects and withdrawal syndrome that I no longer wanted to taint my fragile brain with more foreign chemicals. The stories of wd absolutely horrified me. Hopefully these additional strange wd symptoms will subside soon. Its been about 2 weeks since I stopped taking the clonazepam. Thanks wooshka, Ill messae you with my phone number as soon as I obtain some minutes for my cell phone. Maybe then we can text each other for support.

[wooshka]

No problem mate, let me know once you've obtained some credit. I'm from Australia, so I'm unsure if this changes the circumstances of texting. 
x

[NamelessUser]

I can provide some first hand experience. My grandma's sister just literally died. In the three years I've lost a brother and a sister. It is trouble-some. Enough to know that I want to keep living. Because after death- there really is nothing. 

But on the flip side, I love the feeling of death. Yes it sounds insane. I was suicidal for a long time, and my preferred way to cope was to cut off the oxygen and blood through my neck. I would fade away, and I would feel okay. I'm guessing it is something similar to what someone shooting up heroin feels like. Now that I've gotten help, that whole idea sounds insane, but at the time it was relief. I was stepping over the ledge.

 

All I can say is, that because of death - we have life. You have many more lessons to learn. Let death take you when it's your time. Are you the type of guy to get up and walk out in the middle of movie, or do you stay till the end no matter what?

[1998]

I stayed inside my house and wanted to kill myself while losing countless friends the first yr. of this more difficult way of living to say the least.

Honestly what saved me was just working, working out and getting with girls. Half the time I didn't even know what to say to them I just smiled and laughed at whatever they would say. Then I met the one I knew I would marry w/o hppd so I just focused on working (anywhere) until we saved up enough to buy a house.

PS. Don't do it.....

[andrewcb]

Getting dressed and combing your hair are the big ones for me, if I put the effort in looking nice I feel I MUST go out and do something. If I don't get dressed and start watching t.v. and what not I just stay home so that is a big one imo, getting dressed and looking nice = going out. Also minor improvements sound awesome to me at least you are not going backwards, I think HPPD and all the symptoms that come with it, whatever you got with your HPPD, will just vanish one day, I don't think it will be a slow thing.....might be minor improvements but from what I read from other people it is basically a spontaneous thing where you just snap out of it. 4 months is a long time who knows maybe around the 6 month mark is when the magic will happen. I have been preaching about Gabapentin which seems to work fairly ok, I don't see it becoming addictive or habit forming because I only get mild relief, nothing major but I will take anything! Works good in replacement for benzos, I kicked a 30 mg valium habit, was on 2+ years and I kicked it in a few days but am experiencing some w/ds but they should be goon soon Just continue what you are doing and stay clean it will pass. Really I read more success stories from people who quit all drugs completely vs people who try to treat it, just takes time, could be 3 months could be 2 years who knows. I feel pretty confident if everyone was to quit all drugs and eat healthy and work out and stay occupied HPPD and all symptoms would pass but unfortunately that is easier said then done. Take care buddy!

[bpl4269]

Andrewcb, actually I have had this condition for eight long months. I was almost recovered around the six month mark and then my dumbass decided to smoke weed. The first time it actually didnt do anything to my symptoms. Then I smoked some higher grade shit and my visuals shot through the roof. I was literally having visuals more intense than my first acid trip. Fast foreward four months and here I am, pretty much back to square one. Hopefully it will pass again. As long as the anxiety/dp/dr fade I will be happy. I am never touching another drug in my life.

[1998]

I still smoke and the intense visuals go away for me after a couple days. I also didn't touch anything the first 5 yrs of hppd, no clue if that mattered though.

I had the most colorful patterns everywhere I looked for 2-3 yrs and they have become more of shadows and black and white streaks. Not nearly so vivid or annoying.

On these boards I've read many ppl saying their visuals died down or they just get used to them, it's the dp/dr ect. that causes the most problems.

[wooshka]

Hi bpl, how are you feeling as of late mate? 

[bpl4269]

Pretty shitty right now. Ive had this whole bit of drama with my mother the past few days. She thinks that she is the center of the universe and everything I do should be for her. Simply put, she is a cunt. I know thats a strong word, but I feel that it fits the situation. In addition to the incredible amount of emotional pain that I experience from hppd, I have my mother saying things like "you are selfish asshole," and "Ive had to put my entire life on hold because of your bullshit." She is entirely unsympathetic and is insistent that punishing me on a consistent basis is the right method of action to quote "straighten me out." Somehow she doesnt have the mental capacity to understand that Ive endured enough agony and punishment for a lifetime. On top of that, Ive got these random aches/pains joint pain coming out of nowhere which I believe are due to candida from the antibiotics I take everyday. This being because I have been quite lax with taking probiotics with my clarithromycin. Well then. Got that off my chest. Anything you want to bounce off me?

[Wakeupyourdreaming]

Think ahead knowing yourself you'd try to put yourself in the best position possible right? Yet for some reason it doesn't occur and life is a confusing blur and your hampered by mental disconfiguration unable to step back because your always so emotionally pissed off at something or somerather.

But now step back, take a moment and realize that manure(shit) is the best fertizlier there is and you have opportunites to plant seeds and flourish having been surrounded by shit(mentally not your family) if you so choose. Just like a plant it will take time but whatever you choose it'll be based off of what you've already been through, it makes you more aware of what life is or can be. There was a scientific study about a rat who had food and water but they had hardwired him to where he had an ectasy button he could press each time it felt like he orgasmed or some such like that, the rat instead of eating or drinking went hard and pressed that button until he died, thats why your life isn't happy go lucky 24/7 learn and let live man.

Also back to my first subject if you've tried to obtain the best situation yet hate it whats to say when you kill yourself you couldn't of just majorely ****** up

imagine seeing all the things you could've been if you weren't so short sighted how it could of turned out but you threw it all away for a chance to get away from it all and now can't go back.

[bpl4269]

Whoa there wakeupyourdreaming. Chill out a bit. I was just venting and wallowing in my own self pity. Just because I fantasize about the thought of death, does not mean I would take my own life. Plus, I dont believe I would have the balls to do it. Ive already hit rock bottom multiple times and havent offed myself yet, so Im fairly sure I wouldnt ever kill myself.