Doing this nonsense sober...

[mandrake]

I think I read in a recent post by 1998 that he'd flushed fifty vicodins (sometime in October I think) and it sparked some interest in me as to who is dealing with this madness sober...I quit everything two and a half years ago and all it did was make my visuals and anxiety clearer, brighter and much more difficult. Add to it that nary a soul in most local recovery communities would have ANY idea what is meant by such a condition (many of them likely passing it off as a "drug-seeking, false ailment")...I think this complicates any attempts at sobriety in ways that many cannot fathom (having said that I cannot fathom childhood rape, combat-PTSD and other traumas of significant girth). I consider my visual symptoms moderate to severe (bad static, trailers, halos and afterimages) - then again subjectivity is laughable even to me and have endured this for twenty years...I have long since abandoned the possibility of regaining my vision (though I read a lot of futurists' material like Kurzweil and think if I live long enough it could be corrected digitally). So the obvious place to find those who DO understand (my heart brakes for every last one of you - if you guys see the world like I do you all need a hug...let alone a drink) would be a forum such as this. Any words of wisdom? Pearls of hope? Anecdotes? Anyone with a relative experience?

(as a note: I have in no way ruled out having to get back on klonopin one day but that was potentially the worst thing to come down from)

ADDITIONALLY: I am not one of those soap-box elevated, egotistical, judgmental sober people...I absolutely understand why people imbibe, inject, snort and smoke ESPECIALLY with HPPD...

[LJ1985]

Trying to cut a long story short, I used to love drinking, it gave me a release from symptoms.

Trouble was I partied too hard, drank too much nd ended up with glandular fever, my HPPD got 10 times worse while I was in this state, I got put on seroquel and now I dont even dare to drink for fear of even making my HPPD remotely worse coz I don't think I could cope with it , kind of ruined it for myself

[mgrade]

Interesting read. Being sober and nonjudgmental is certainly something good to be.

[Dylan L]

Here's a "pearl of hope", I'm 100% cured after 5-6 years of living with HPPD. I know most docs cant fathom HPPD, in the sense of the word its a complete mysetery, even to those who understand it somewhat, but its very real, just like Combat PTSD which was shrugged off as cowardice in WWI, which is complete bullshit. Sure, it took 30 years for Combat PTSD to be fully recognized s a real mental illness, but the good hope is just that fact, that it was. HPPD research is still in its infancy, maybe in 20-30 years it will be understood and treatable, along the lines of Combat PTSD.

[mandrake]

I appreciate that Dylan...I kind of feel like a complete cure would be in the "false hope" area as it has been two decades with no abatement...but you make a strong case and you make a good parallel to PTSD. I love hearing about people who get over this thing...

[Dylan L]

It's all about mental fortitude and willpower (kind of the same thing I know). I NEVER took a single dose of medication for my HPPD and I never seen a doctor in any field about it. I just lived through it and dealt with it, didn't let it control me, i controlled it. When my HPPD would dictate to me that "No, you don't need to apply for that deployment" I would just go do it.

A total cure medicinally does seem like a false hope as you have said. The brain is one mysterious piece of work, that is for sure. However, if a cure is such an unreal possibility, then people like myself wouldn't be running around hallucination free. I never stopped drinking at all throughout the whole years i've had HPPD. I call bullshit on the people who say alcohol will ruin your chances of recovery because well, im cured and alcohol is coursing through my veins even at this very moment and i'm totally fine brother. Just keep hope, 20 years is a fucking long time and I feel for you and can only imagine what has gone through your head in the decades, I wish i could get my dad on here to talk to you. Your probably around his age, he has had HPPD for 30+ years and the tough buggar never even flinches from it haha.

[John Smith]

Everyone's hppd is different. I can guarantee that drinking has made my hppd worse. I got it from around 10 trips...you did crazy amounts of drugs before you got it. Would it really be that surprising that youre neurologically more resilient than the people here who got it from only a few experiences

[TheSoberPotato]

Stay clean man, I find that any drugs other then benzos make my hppd worsen. I would completely avoid any and all drugs for recreational use. Even certain prescribed drugs can make it worse. I gave Hppd a try for a year without medication and have not seen any improvement. I decided to try keppra and so far from the 10 days I've started taken it I have not seen any improvements. Many medications take weeks to months for full effects so if you are willing to try out something that you think might work give it time. I would highly recommend staying clean for at least a year without trying medications or just stay clean your whole life. Hope you get better <3

[Conquer]

Before my onset of HPPD, I fucked around with a few drugs (had a prescription for Ritalin which I took everyday, took 10x Vicodins over the course of 2 weeks, 3x Salvia trips, 1 acid trip, and of course alcohol every other weekend). 1 DXM incident caused my HPPD. After that I was sober of all drugs for like, 3 months. I then took Ritalin once to study, which made my visuals (which were healing, I think) worse for a long time after. 8 months after that I touched 2x Vicodin, which muffled my hearing and gave me tinnitus (I still have both symptoms). 1 month after that I touched Ritalin + alcohol again, and now all my visuals are way, way worse, I had balance issues (those are mostly gone) and have slight circulation issues (healing, I think). I also have some cognitive issues which I never had before.

Anyway, my point is that drugs you used to do may affect you way, way differently now. So if you want to play it safe, just avoid all drugs. At most you'll get a few hours of pleasure, at worst you'll get permanently increased visuals (or worse).

[Guest]

Over the years my Torrance to drinking has dimished to the point where once I could drink socially once a week and have no more than three beers and suffer the consequences to being unable to drink not even a glass of wine and be completely manic for several days. Whatever you did Dylan all I can say is that you're damn lucky..

[ludwig80]

Hey Mandrake- seems you and I went sober around the same time. I think i'm about 2.5 years of being sober. I had no choice though, my story is on this forum somewhere. Alcohol not only caused all my symptoms to come back but even worse ones.

It has gotten slightly better since then but not a whole lot visual wise. Mentally i've gotten better thanks to time and keppra. No drugs and no booze is more a social hinderment than anything. I find it especially difficult as I recently moved and most people want to go get drinks at the bar, then bail out once they find out they'll be drinking alone all night while I suck down water. I also miss a few guinness after a long day... But is what it is! All we can do is keep on keeping on! You're not alone..