windscar

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42 posts in this topic

I only used LSD once. With exception of smoking a few joints, I never used any other recreative drug, not even alcohol / nicotine. My life was perfect. Now it's ruined. 2 months in hell. HELL.

You guys are bothered with your visuals. What you don't realize is that HPPD is not a visual disease. Our entire brain is damaged. The visuals are just the obvious part. You don't notice, but you are fucked up, and it's forever. Your thoughts are fucked up, your memory is fucked up, your concentration, visual memory, spatial and logical thinking... everything is somewhat affected. And there is no healing. It is a lie. Nobody ever recovers from HPPD. People just treat their anxiety, and those who say to healed just learned to live. But the fact is: the damage will never go away.

Deal with that if you can. Can you? I can't. I can't take it anymore. This is the worst thing that ever happened to me. People underestimate how horrible is that condition. I would EASILY trade HPPD for paraplegia. I'm so sad. I didn't deserve that. I won't kill myself ONLY because of those I love. ='(

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I only used LSD once. I never used any other recreative drug, not even alcohol / nicotine. My life was perfect. Now it's ruined. 2 months in hell. HELL.

You guys are bothered with your visuals. What you don't realize is that HPPD is not a visual disease. Our entire brain is damaged. The visuals are just the obvious part. You don't notice, but you are fucked up, and it's forever. Your thoughts are fucked up, your memory is fucked up, your concentration, visual memory, spatial and logical thinking... everything is somewhat affected. And there is no healing. It is a lie. Nobody ever recovers from HPPD. People just treat their anxiety, and those who say to healed just learned to live. But the fact is: the damage will never go away.

Deal with that if you can. Can you? I can't. I can't take it anymore. This is the worst thing that ever happened to me. People underestimate how horrible is that condition. I would EASILY trade HPPD for paraplegia. I'm so sad. I didn't deserve that. I won't kill myself ONLY because of those I love. ='(

Just to add a little education, all the tons of scientific data that was posted on the old site was about the effects on the brain. So everyone know that it is in the brain, a CNS disfuncttion, if not damage. But if it is damage, it has been shown to be reversable in about 1/2 the cases.

I only took LSD once also. No other drugs of that class.

And i paid for it. Fair or not , it is what happened.

There is reversal of this problem. It is without a doubt. The longer that you have it though , the less likely it is that it will be alleviated.

As a doc told me, it is a complex issue and there are periods of alleviation of symptoms and recurrance.

I have said that I had two long periods of alleviation. Over 95%, to where I could not notice anything even under the most favorable lighting circumstances for hppd symptoms to be seen.

I screwed myself up during the hike and strain (which I was told by an hppd knowledgable and experienced doc, is know to bring back or worsen symptoms) (and also by another doc a neoropthalmologist saying I probably added acephalegic migraine to my condition). It has been the longest time and the worst conditions and I now do not have confidence that I will have reversal.

You are going through the mental/emotional process that most people who just start getting this problem go through.

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Dude, was this post from before we talked in that other thread?

There is hope! You sound depressed as shit here. Always remember, this is how depression works. It fucking sucks, but hang in there and it will get better!

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THERE IS NO HOPE!

LarryC what is Hike and Strain? You got better then you used another drug in "hike and strain" (?) and became worse again?

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THERE IS NO HOPE!

LarryC what is Hike and Strain? You got better then you used another drug in "hike and strain" (?) and became worse again?

One, as the poster before you said you are repeating yourself even after people answer you.

Second, I did not take a drug. I was better for many years. I went on a hike, hiking up mountain. I strained my neck and I was weak and jerked the neck on the way down the mountain which added to the strain on my neck. the rest i already explained what the docs said.

And there is no way anyone is going to convince you that there is hope for you. It has been told to you several times already that it may just go away for you or at least reduce greatly. You have only had this for a short time, a few months. You need to chill and stop all the negativity and anxiety and realize it will take time for any change to occur. Do remember, although th brain/nervous system can heal to a great extent depending on what happened to it, it is the slowest system in the body to heal.

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yeah dude, try and hear me as rationally as you can. If you are only a couple months in, this is the WORST PART OF HPPD. IT WILL START TO GET BETTER. But it happens slowly. You can't give up hope, read what we say and try to realize when you keep asking the same questions. You probably feel unstable and, frankly, untrusting of what we say just because what you're experiencing right now is so intense and shitty. You'd do anything for a quick fix, but that just isn't how it works.

Anxiety and depression runs in my family, and I have no doubt it made coping with my hppd more difficult. One thing I did to help (this was before I knew I even had hppd) was see a psychologist. They can't cure the hppd, but they can help you to recognize when you are anxious and how to deal with it. You'd think this would be obvious, but its not. Anxiety has physical manifestations, and that makes everything worse when you don't realize it. EDIT: I was also able to confront and deal with shitty things from my childhood, things that still affect you to this day unless dealt with.

As hard as it is to hear this, I'm gonna say what everyone else has said. You need to chill out, breath, and ride this through. Look at your previous posts. Besides the fact that you seem to ignore most of what people say to you (they are speaking the truth), your posts are otherwise totally coherent. You can still function, you are not crazy, you are still the same person. This is a rough patch that you need to get through, and that no medication will heal. If you find a med that helps you out a bit, fine, but to truly cure yourself to the highest potential is a mental exercise. I have faith that you will. Don't expect it, try and forget about it. Also, remember your worst days, and compare your current one to the worst one. If its better, you're on the right track.

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I don't know why people think I ignore them, I read everything you say, if I don't answer something is because there's nothing more to say. But I honestly won't believe I will get better until I find the explanation of what is going on.

Sorry if I'm repeating myself, but I just can't understand how, with all the current technology, they can't figure out the cause of HPPD. Not a cure, just the cause! I mean, they can trap antimatter on magnetic fields but can't track the malfunctioning of a few neurons? HPPD is not even a mysterious disease. We know what causes it, we can reproduce it easily and we know where to look to. So why we have no answers yet? Is there something so difficult on understanding neurobiology I'm not heard of or it is just lack of fundings and interest?

If it's a lack of fundings/interest I am seriously considering dedicating my life to HPPD. Joining a medicine school, studying madly and accumulating funds so I could achieve something in some future. But my mind is so fucked up I don't know if I still have the capacity to do so. (I had - I used to be the best student of my school).

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Seeking for an explanation does nothing to help you in the short term and probably just makes you more anxious. We've all wondered what's going on, and we all wish we knew exactly so that doctors could find some kind of reversal/cure. It just doesn't work like that, you need to try and move on. This is done by being healthy and trying to keep positive. I don't know why, but I feel like we might be very similar people - I had the same exact thoughts as you had.

At this exact moment, I've gone from 5 days of continuously going to be between 5 and 8am (due to gigs and recording sessions) to waking up at 7:30am today to get my classwork done and go to class. I feel tired, dizzy, there's tension in my chest, my visuals are a bit worse, and my dp is worse than usual (and I haven't even mentioned the weed I've been smoking).

Now, in the throes of my hppd, I would have been freaking out right now, feeling totally helpless, thinking I was having a heart attack, and I'd probably be calling an ambulance. But you know what, I'm sitting here continuing to do my homework because I now have the coping skills to deal with this shit and not have it affect my life. After this, I'm gonna call up this girl I've been seeing, we're gonna get some dinner, then we're probably gonna bang, and then I'm going to pass out earlyish so that I can wake up for my 10:30 midterm tomorrow.

My point in all of this is that life goes on, and it will for you too. Just keep perspective and stop looking for answers because there aren't any. It's the worst part, but you need to accept it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model I always thought this scale was bullshit, but it actually kinda makes sense. You're in a mixture of anger and depression, the goal is acceptance, and once that comes, you feel 1000 times better (remember it takes time to get to 1000)

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I won't tell you to relax or chill. This is by far the worse thing that's ever happened to me as well as most of us. I do know the 1st yr. of hppd, I was going to the E.R. every week thinking I was dying, over time most of my problems became bearable.

This should just be my signature I say it so often, but exercising and keeping your mind distracted have to be done to balance yourself out.....

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Both of you, sorry if I already asked. How old are you, what do you do, when you got HPPD, what your HPPD looks like and how it changed with time?

Colforbin that scale is no bullshit it is very true. About finding an explanation, why not try? It is not impossible.

Sorry for the short answer I took 1mg of klonopin it is a small dose but I'm feeling very drowsy I have to sleep.

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About finding an explanation, why not try? It is not impossible

There are many theories, many, many have been posted on the other board before it all went away.

What is wrong is that they don't all agree, you wrap your mind around information you are not qualified to make a judgement(you would not diagnose a patient, including yourself, who had a condition if you were not a licensed medical professional or scientist in the particular field or even a very sharp dude.)

But most important is that in the end, it is just a bunch of data, mostly incorrect that you spend hours going over and you are still left with the condition as before. Instead you can work on helping yourself in other ways.

It certainly seems that you are not paying attention to the peoples posts e.g. you post THERE IS NO HOPE after others gave you the best advice and document information on the condition that you will probably find even if you look for a long time. That is just an example, but it is the tone you are carrying.

We all know what it is to go throufg this at the beginning stages so so far, keep trying to get through to yo

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No you do not understand, why not seriously trying to find an explanation? And I am paying attention to everyone but I still think there is no hope if we just wait, it is my opinion, it didn't change, sorry.

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There's no reason to not try and find an explanation. It just sounds like you're so caught up in trying to find an answer that you are forgetting the most important things. Finding an answer right now wont help you. It's best to just get healthy at the moment and get your life back together.

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Do you feel like your HPPD have affected your cognition and academic performance? I'm seriously thinking in leaving engineering to try medicine.

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In the beginning, when I was in your position, yes. I had to drop a course cause I wasn't able to read all the material without it moving.

Now, I would say I'm back to 95% of what I was before hppd. I can still learn, I can still live my life.

EDIT: If you want to pursue medicine, you should definitely do it. But before you make decisions, and considering youre in the middle of the shit right now, just dont think about medicine or anything for a couple months/until you feel a bit better. Take some time for yourself.

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Dont know what i can add to make you feel better.. I also got HPPD after only one exposure to Mushrooms which was my drug debut.. I guess seeking some help, like someone to talk to would be advisable..

As for your future.. I asked Dr.Abraham when i met him, (the leading specialist on HPPD) about the future, and studying and working.. He told that once one adjust to the condition and have other more positive things in life to distract you,

the visuals and other symptoms will become less bothersome and relevant to your life.. He also said that some off his HPPD patients include, Doctors, lawyers and even investment bankers.. who all have HPPD.

I also asked arturo lerner (another HPPD specialist) about whether HPPD is braindamge, the answer i got was no.. Since the changes in the brain are functional.. And i think that research have concluded that apart from the visual and psychological symptoms

HPPD doesnt have a lot of effect on memory and concentration.. Although im not sure about this one.. But i think i read it once on the former forum, please correct me if im wrong..

I can say i feel better after having this condition for 3 years i guess.. Takes a while, but sooner or later, it wont make sense blaming yourself, or thinking catastrophic thoughts.. It just becomes better, and less relevant i guess..

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But do you fell like your HPPD affected your intelligence, memory, ability to concentrate, etc?

I will definitely pursue medicine and if I'm not affected intellectually I am SURE I will be able to eventually find some of those answers for us.

EDIT: Just read Ralphy's post, that is good, let's hope.

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No you do not understand, why not seriously trying to find an explanation? And I am paying attention to everyone but I still think there is no hope if we just wait, it is my opinion, it didn't change, sorry.

Seeking for an explanation does nothing to help you in the short term and probably just makes you more anxious. We've all wondered what's going on, and we all wish we knew exactly so that doctors could find some kind of reversal/cure. It just doesn't work like that, you need to try and move on. This is done by being healthy and trying to keep positive

ColForbin's statement below yours is absolutely true if you were able to see all the people who first got this and their approach to there situation.

I still think there is no hope if we just wait,

All your and everyone's effort to search the literature has resulted in no solution. So I do not understand your statement as to no hope if we just wait. Wait for what? All the theories have been put out there. The med profession knows what they are and do not have a soultion. So what are you or we going to do by gathering information. There are many, many illnesses that the biological knowledge of the cause and mechanism are know and there is no effective treatment, let alone a cure.

Gather all the info you want. We have done that already and are still in the same place we would have been had we just took care of ourselves body and mind instead of trying to be super scientist.

Just think a moment. Do you know how much time/effort and money it would cost a very skilled medical researcher to have testable theory for this ailment (other than what exists now)?

Do you know that if that actually happened by some very knowledgable scientists what the next step is after they were able to prove their theory?

There would be the discovery phase - the phase of discovering a treatment- a medication. This step takes a very long time, a high degree of knowledge in biology, biochemistry neuorology and more and whole bunch of money.

Then the next step is trials for effectiveness and safety. And then get approval for the treatment. This takes a long, long time and hundreds of millions of dollars.

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Do you know how much time/effort and money it would cost a very skilled medical researcher to have testable theory for this ailment (other than what exists now)?

I am willing to give my time, effort and money for this.

Why are you angry at me?

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No one is angry. It is, however, annoying how we have multiple times taken time out of our day to write long, thoughtful posts offering you the best advice about how HPPDers can overcome the worst of their problems. Instead of taking that advice to heart, you largely don't react to it, and instead choose to harp on the medical side of things, which in no way helps you at the moment. I personally overcame hppd's stranglehold with nothing but the use of welbutrin for a couple months, and its questionable that it even did anything. My recovery has happened only by essential changes in my thought processes to accomodate this new burden, resulting in what now feels like a normal life to me. By seeking solutions solely in medicine, you cut yourself off to EVERYTHING ELSE a hppd'er needs to heal, and that is just ignorant and stupid.

I almost doubt that you have hppd at all. Do you know the terror of legitimately thinking that you are going insane and that all of your dreams in life are destined to fail? Have you ever even talked about your symptoms here? I could be wrong, but I feel if you were seriously afflicted, our conversations wouldn't have progressed in this manner.

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Sigh, Wind Scar

People do recover from HPPD, there are videos on youtube of people who did for the most part. No you probably will never go back to entirely because you are here now, but none of that matters now, all you have is you now and a choice to what to do with yourself. I am choosing to go this road without medication as my visuals are not so bad and I have learned to control my anxiety. The future is always uncertain, and if you truly have hppd then it can always get better. It might not or it might. Focusing on the medical aspects are not within your control so don't try to, do something that makes you feel better. I play video games because when I play my world stops moving, and my grainy vision is harder to see. I forget I have hppd and for that time I am who I always was. Find that for you. I may get better, and I feel like I am albiet ever so slowly. Don't focus on hppd, and for you I think the best course of action is to get off this site. You need to find peace with yourself and not look for things you will never find. We are here as support, if you needed to talk to us we will be here. We are not here to be spouted off to about how we are not trying to GET BETTER NOW OMGOMGOMG.

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Please sorry if it seems like I ignore your advices but understand, my life won't get back. I was in the best moment of my life: I had health, lots of friends, the most awesome girlfriend in this world, had a success life, being ranked #1 on high school, having just passed the entrance exam for the best university of my city, having lots of money for my age that I obtained from my work and being in the best physical shape and health ever - so I had freedom to enjoy my life like I never did before - spending time with friends/gf/family, playing soccer, going out though my city, Rio de Janeiro - it's the paradise - MaracanĂ£, Copacabana beach, Lapa's night, my beautiful Vila Isabel. And I just learned to smoke weed and I absolutely loved it. I used it responsibly, showed it to my friends, once we smoked on pedra da gavea hearing

and that was probably one of the best moments of my life. And if I had all that is because I fought - because few years ago I had family issues, was obese, failed on school, was losing my friends, had no money no good times. I gradually conquered everything I had.

Now... I have panic attacks when I go out, I don't fell comfortable with my friends anymore because the brain fog doesn't allow me following a conversation. I wake up on dawn with panic attacks, I fell groggy 24/7, have difficult to concentrate so I can't work. I have an extreme apathy, I can't enjoy life anymore, I can't enjoy music, food, sports, anything, I don't feel PLEASURE anymore. I can't have SEX! I don't remember the last time I laughed. The visuals bothers me, but my whole brain is fucked up. The visuals are there just to remember of how my brain is fucked up. I have all the visuals, halos, trails, ghosted texts, bright lights and stuff, but in my opinion they're just names for the same mechanism: palinopsia. And the visual snow, that for me is almost invisible. Some think HPPD is psychological, but anyone with it knows it is not. It's so OBVIOUS that your sight is altered. But anyhow I have done a few tests with my friends, just to have sure. I asked them to stare a light at the same time as me and tell me whenever the negative afterimage completely vanished. It takes like 20 seconds for them, but minutes for me. I also asked them to look at the google logo and immediately look to the wall and tell me if they can still read the google logo over the wall (positive afterimage), but no matter of how hard they tried, they couldn't. 2 friends could, though. Both are LSD users. Interesting, not?

So what I'm saying is that there are so many things messed up with that I won't be happy the way I am. Doesn't matter how hard you think otherwise, I won't. I fought madly to have the life I had. Countless time working out, dieting, studying, beating social fears, programming and administering those games, enduring my family in war, my mom being threatened of life. If I had accepted the misery, my life would never have turned around. So I won't. I will fight again, I will study madly until I find a cure or good treatment. I don't believe it is an impossible task, I believe it just needs some labor. So it's not that I don't follow your advices, but I just won't stop trying to understand the disease. That is just it. Please, understand, and don't be angry with me. I am sad with our sittuation, I am very thankful for every single post and I want to repay with good news.

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Right, so look at what you just wrote, how similar it was to my whole story that I posted in that other thread, and peep the success I've had in getting better. That's the point you're not understanding when we say you're not listening. On one hand, you say you hear us, and on the other, you say you'll never be the same when we have repeatedly told you stories of high recovery rate (even if you are never exactly the same). It's fucking life dude, eventually you have to try and move on and stop wallowing in your own depression.

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And this is repeated on other threads where people have said that people actually get better and wherever we say that and tell you that the data says that, including people's testimonials you say it is your opinion that they actually don't. Do you not think that people know how to gauge their own changes from what they saw with full blow hppd and compare it to what they have now?

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OK perhaps some people recover but as you are saying that there's a high recovery rate, I have also read in various places that those who recover with time are the exception.

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