Well, fellas, it's hard to keep going.

[ramblingon]

This post may be depressing, and I apologize if it is. Haven't logged in in quite a while, just trying not to think about hppd too much. In a month I will have had hppd for 2 full years. I've learned to live with it a little since then, but not the life I want. It's hard to keep going everyday. I've tried medications, but no real improvement from them. I was depressed for years before I even got hppd, and this was the icing on the cake. I've almost given up and having a decent life. I really don't see this improving. I didn't want to go the benzo route, but I might have too try. I know assisted suicide can be a touchy subject, but honestly, i've been suffering for years. I tried to talk to people close to me about it, but they wouldn't hear it. I can't bring that up to my parents again, but I'm in constant suffering. I couldn't possibly kill myself while my parents are still alive, they shouldn't have to go through that, but I feel like a great burden to them. As soon as the last one of my parents keels over, I'm done. Now I feel like I'm just waiting out my miserable time I have left. Maybe I'll find a cure in the years before it comes to that.

Keep looking on the bright side, everyone. I hope everything works out for you all. I wouldn't say I've given up completely yet, but I'm certainly at a new rock bottom in my life, and I can't even go have a goddamn beer to help pass the time, because of my HPPD.

I don't know any of you, but my heart goes out to everyone with HPPD. Or any life crippling mental illness. And believe me, I've been diagnosed with more "mental illnesses" than I can count, and been put on so many medications in the last 15 years or so, that I think I can say I know what it's like.

[Jay1]

Horrible to hear that mate... If it gives you a glimmer of hope, I was at rock bottom after 2 years of this and the 3rd year gave me light at the end of the tunnel... My depression mostly cleared up and my anxiety was 50% better. Mine is not a one off story either.... Many of the long termers here said the 3-4 year mark was key.

But you have to fight this like you would fight any major illness. Force yourself to get out of the house, force yourself to chat to people, get out into nature, get blown away by the beauty of the world. If you hate your school/job, change it.... If your friends aren't supportive... move on. I know the grip of depression is very tight and you sometimes can't even get out of bed.... But every time you get an "easier" day, try and get out there and live.

Do you have any disposable income? Maybe just buy a plane ticket to somewhere completly new and just travel.

I have been in your spot (I suffered heavy depression before and during hppd too), I have been suicidal and felt a burden to everyone who loves me.... But I can tell you that recovery from the depression does happen.

Keep fighting mate, PM me if you ever need anything, even if it is just to let out some anger.

ps - Did you ever try Lamictal? Of all the anti depressents I tried, this one really worked and didn't affect my hppd.

[cs1234]

I don't really know what to say but I feel like I should post something. You should really take jays advice and go out and just do stuff. I know a guy who has a psychiatrist for a lot of social problems. The psych told him to go to a park and just try to have a conversation with everyone he saw. I not sure if you have any social problems but I'm just putting that out there. Also have you ever thought about Zoloft? Ssris can make hppd worse but some people say it doesn't affect theirs that much. Besides, if your suicidal I would think its worth it. I just feel reall bad for you man hang in there.

[Gmo]

What symptoms do you have?? Do you have DP/DR too?? I've had pretty serious issues for a year now and it's really depressing. Don't kill yourself though.....seriously, regardless of how bad it gets there's always someone else out there that has it worse. I get down feeling sorry for myself from time to time but at the end of the day there's worse shit that could happen. Cancer jumps to mind initially, I can't imagine being diagnosed with that.....I'd take HPPD over cancer any day. Also, a few months ago a kid I went to highschool with had a really bad 4 wheeler accident and had to have his arm amputated.......around the time I heard about that I was feeling sorry for myself and obsessing over how it's not fair that I feel this way, but I'd much rather have both my arms and deal with this than be 100% mentally ok and lose a limb. I know that's kind of irrelevant to your situation but the point is it could always be worse and it's not worth killing yourself over.

[2muchmandy]

Killing urself is one choice. Its an unreversable act. Its one thing that is final. There are shrinks, meds, lifestyle changes. Every time I consider topping myself I say no. Theres klono keppra a shrink. Theres soooo much to consider before taking that last resort choice

[ramblingon]

Thanks for the replies everyone, it really means a lot to me. Jay1, that is actually encouraging. Thank you. I do have some money saved up, I'm seriously considering traveling, actually. I could manage to get away for a week or so, might do me some good. Also, yes I believe I have tried lamictal in the past, before I acquired HPPD. Might look into that again. Thanks for the offer of letting me PM you too, might take you up on that at some point.

Gmo, I have all the visual symptoms, and DP/DR. I'm sure there are worse cases of HPPD out there, but I believe mine to be fairly severe. Thanks for the words, I appreciate it. I know suicide is a touchy subject. I'll just say It's not HPPD alone that makes me feel this way. But I'm not at that point yet.

Thanks again guys. And I'm sorry for clustering up the forum with a thread I basically just complained in - I really wish I were in a condition to give something back to this community.

I can't get this performance out of my head the past couple months:

(NSFW - Language)

[shaolinbomber]

I know how you feel. HPPd ruined what "was" my life in an instant. Deep depression set in for me as well when it all started but instead of killing myself I turned to pain pills to numb it and then eventually Heroin. now I can confidently say that I am moving on with my life and am recovering from the addiction so it's not the end of the world even though it feels like it.

[ferret]

That Warren Zevon song is a great one that I hadn't heard before. He wrote it after being diagnosed with terminal cancer but I'm sure you already knew that.

It can always be worse. Somebody from my home state just lost all four limbs after stepping on an IED in he middle east on deployment.

[Jay1]

I'm seriously considering traveling, actually. I could manage to get away for a week or so, might do me some good.

Cool, get on it... You have some beautiful places to explore in the USA...You're not a million miles from Yosemeti, for instance... I imagine that would be really good place to just get away from it all and remember that life can be pretty amazing.

I spent a month in Iceland last year, no tv, no internet, no electronic lights (24/7 sunshine)... Just my camera kit and some music, it really worked wonders to clear my mind.

[piper83]

I'm sorry to hear you're in this frame of mind. I'm 5 years with this but I am slowly getting better and feeling more and more positive as time goes on. There are still days where I get very depressed but I am learning to deal with these and life is getting better. With time you can learn to not let it affect you as much, as you live more the better things in life will take over your attention.

I had depression for years and was suicidal at one point before hppd hit. Clearing up some of these underlying issues which causes depression since hppd has made hppd easier to deal with.

Jay has imparted good advice, Live as much as you can. Life isn't always easy even for those without hppd, make changes for the better where you can. Improve your life where neccessary (as per what Jay suggested), try and force yourself to get out there and be sociable and enjoy the world, be with your loved ones, get out into the fresh air & nature.

Travelling is a good shout. I went travelling for a year around the world post hppd, met some cool people, saw some amazing sights and slept with a fair amount of women (: , loved it. Am now in training to become a teacher. life is pretty good, it has been and still is a fight though and I still have times where im very resentful of hppd. But its fight that with time, you can learn to have the upper hand in and live a decent life.

Taking good care of yourself goes without saying, exercise, diet, sleep. said a million times on here but make it a routine that you base your battle from.

There are new things cropping up that can give you a slight improvement, magnesium supplements for example that Jay stumbled upon recently and are now helping some of us. Anything to give you a 0.5% or 2% improvement, slow steps you know but they can be made.

Personaly I now have the odd beer or two as the relief I get from feeling somewhat normal and the social inclusion (everyones in the pub in the uk) outweighs the worse hangover the next day. This way hppd is affecting my life less as Im not feeling its causing me to be missing out. Am equally supportive of abstinence though as this is obviously better in terms of allowing the body to make any recovery.

[Guest]

Currently at 41 but a slave to HPPD for the last 15 years.

The advice you're being given is golden. There is life after HPPD. Eat, play exercise basically do the things you're supposed to and you'll be fine. Up until my second condition I followed the same advice and was string enough to resist taking any medication but take really good care of yourself and be good to you. Grow old gracefully and if you're lucky to live long enough who knows? You might see a cure for this one day.

[1998]

First 2 yrs I turned into a recluse and just wanted to die. So my Dad forced me to travel S.E. Asia w/ him and even though I was nervous at first, but I began to enjoy life again. Playing tennis, girls, scuba and working out plus the beauty of the world was life changing.

By yr. 3 I started to feel much better. I'm still doing well, married ect..it's not even hppd ruling my life anymore. Just the f///ing klonopin. Only take that drug if you're seriously suicidal. gL all!!

[Jay1]

it's not even hppd ruling my life anymore. Just the f///ing klonopin. Only take that drug if you're seriously suicidal.

I hope people pay alot of attention to this

[morbide]

I hope people pay alot of attention to this

This really bugs me, i am seriously considering getting klonopin prescribed but only to use once or twice a week for study/reading sessions, work interviews etc.

Would it be ok to use it like that and not everyday?

[1998]

''Would it be ok to use it like that and not everyday? ''

It would be ok. But the relief klonopin will bring, makes it extremely difficult not to eventually take it everyday.

You'll feel great for a while from klono, but eventually everybody hits tolerance and welcome to hell.

Only you know if you're mentally strong enough to only take it once or twice a week. GL!!