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  1. Hello! I'm from Russia, sorry for bad english. 18 Year/50kg I use MDA 27octoberr, 170 mg. After 7 hours panic, I can not recognize myself in the mirror. called the doctor, I received 10 mg of phenazepam, and 5 mg of haloperidol. Has overslept some days. all was good. but on November 5, I made the mistake of using 65 micrograms of MDMA, and weed. the next day, all the thoughts in my head were gone, I felt terrible, I thought I was sick. a week later nothing changed, I went to a psychiatrist, I was told that this is depersonalization, and appointed mirtazapine. I ceased to accept it, because visual hallucinations started, the walls somehow breathed, I feel my body two times weaker than usual, as if numb everything. After mirtazapine returned the appetite, before that I forced myself to eat through strength. I feel now that I'm very dull, thoughts in my head if I have, then only about "where did they go? Where are they?". hallucinations continue until now. What can you advise, after all a month has passed, and my condition has not changed much, I feel complete emptiness inside of myself, I have lost all interests, I can not write music any more, I can not do anything ..
  2. A few nights ago i decided to take mdma idiotically because my symptoms were so much better after 4 months of abstaining from drugs, well during the trip and afterwards i can say i believe i know whats it like to have the full 9 yards of hppd. During the trip it was horrifying, faces everywhere on my floor on my dogs fur on my wall, my feet were itchy i could feel the anxiety and paranoia but i think the mdma helped me manage to stay happy. The next day i learned of all the severity of symptoms that other people have that i dont, my ghosting was not just only above like it usually is, but it was below and side by side, 4x as worse as what it usually was. When people talk about starbursting, i used to think that was normal, but no i saw what it really was like, and i saw afterimages of literally everything. My visual snow was creating flying cars or weird hallucinations that i couldnt completely make out, my anxiety had been almost the same as it was before. Thankfully 4 days later it seems as if im back to the baseline as to where it was before. Guys, mdma used to be my drug, i used to do it every day before work but now i cant stomach it. So my message to you is, if you have hppd, DRUGS ARE NOT WORTH IT.
  3. 19 year old male. Have had mild visual snow and other slight visual defects as long as can remember. Since approximately 15 have suffered with short, intense migraines around once every three months (I believe caused by sleep pattern inconsistencies) accompanied with classic visual auras (loss of vision spreading across one eye). Around three months ago I tried mdma for the first time (I trust the source and purity) and have done it twice since. Noticed no significant change after first try (small dose). However, second time (very large dose, between 400 and half a g) I noticed difficulty reading, more visual snow, light flashes etc which peaked about four days after and, for the most part, subsided after three weeks. Third time, medium dose, hppd symptoms have returned, particularly visual snow and small amounts of light flashing. Three weeks on and I fear this may be more long term; however, it is currently not something that is an impediment to my day to day life. Naturally, I am fascinated by what substances have to offer, particularly mdma, but also psychedelics. Questions: 1. have others found that all doses of mdma worsen symptoms; or, can low doses that don't fully overload 5htp receptors be used without damage? 2. I feel that those who have visual auras and migraines are far more likely to develop hppd. Would others say that this is particularly true of mdma? Would I also be more at risk of negative effects from more classic psychedelics such as lsd or shrooms? Obviously I am aware that taking any psychoactive substance is a risk and should not be advised however, I would value some objective input. Essentially, I am asking whether my experiences with hppd from mdma would mean my likelihood of hppd from other drugs is higher? Or are there ways to control dosages to reduce the risks (for example, trying half a tab of acid in isolation and observing symptoms over a couple of months). I am prepared to abstain from serotonergic drugs, however, this would not be a comfortable decision. I am grateful to be in a position where I have the option of avoiding serious long-term damage; however, if anyone thinks there is any chance of me being able to manage usage conservatively I am interested to hear. Thanks P.S I have used DMT twice with no observable hppd
  4. More or less, I was wondering what everyone thought about taking MDMA after recovering from HPPD. If anyone has any of their own experiences as well that would be fantastic. I'll give some background information to my HPPD to help you decide whether you think I could take MDMA again, and just in case anyone is interested in my HPPD journey. I'm pretty sure my HPPD is primarily, if not exclusively weed related. My symptoms have been visual (visual snow, moving lines, and by far my biggest symptom was violent shaking of my peripheral vision), anxiety (largely caused by the vision symptoms), and small amounts of DP/DR. My HPPD began in March 2015 and in the year prior to this I smoked weed a few times a week and took LSD, MDMA and 2CB a few times as well. However from December 2014 - February 2015 whenever I got too high I would experience the violent shaking of my peripheral vision for the duration of my high. In February I stopped taking drugs, and then in March the visual shaking began happening while I was sober. I then experienced all of the symptoms permanently. Hence I believe weed caused my HPPD because my symptoms began while I was high on weed. Since getting HPPD I stopped all drugs use completely besides alcohol (which has little if any effect on my HPPD). The first few weeks were hell, constant panic attacks about my shaky vision. Over the next 3 months, until June, my symptoms became manageable but still very uncomfortable. Since July I have no longer experienced the shaking of my peripheral vision whatsoever. I would say that I have been cured since around the beginning of October or mid-October. My DP/DR is completely gone. My peripheral vision no longer shakes. My only lingering symptoms are visual snow (which is dying down, I no longer get this every day and when I do it's very minor) and small amounts of anxiety, which I probably had before HPPD anyway. Straight lines still wiggle a little bit, but my symptoms are now essentially unnoticeable unless I focus on them, so I consider myself cured. I imagine that my symptoms will have gone entirely within a few months from now. So, bearing all this in mind, does anyone have any thoughts on taking MDMA on a rare basis from now on? I have no intention to smoke weed or take psychedelics in the foreseeable future, but I'm desperate to take 200mg of MDMA this weekend. I have never reacted negatively to MDMA in the last and not have I ever had any open eye hallucinations on MDMA.
  5. Hey all, I've been stalking this forum for a while now, haven't had the chance to sign up properly since issues validating my account but here I am. I'm 20 and I live on the eastern coast of Australia. I've had what I think is HPPD pushing onto 7 months now. I got mine from 6-7 months of moderate ecstasy use, 3 first months were every four weeks. There was a month between during university holidays where I'd have 4-6 pills in a night (but would never take two at once); it was more of a keep me going where I'd often stay in the club until 8/9am. After that period I realised how dumb that was of me, and only stuck to 1-3 pills every fortnight/three weeks, which in hindsight was still incredibly dumb. Anyways, I had my first major scare when I took an e and a capsule of mephedrone (bath salts, which I didn't know at the time//first time taking it), which I had bad hallucinations on for a bit. The next few weeks were horrible/anxiety-ridden, as I've always been against hallucinogens due to their potential of flashbacks - particularly cos it was bathsalts, I was worried of going psychotic. I had occasional random static on people's faces in the dark which gave me a fright but it slowly went away. I also had this weird static around plain objects, but slowly diminished in time/thought it was always there. 4 weeks later my anxiety improved a lot (after exams), and I went out again and took two halves of an ecstasy pill (MDA) throughout the night. Had a few anxious episodes but was all good. A week later was when I realised I had this faint static on the plain walls, which is when my anxiety shot through the roof - I thought I had done permanent damage. It was only after countless searching up symptoms to when I realised I had just more than static: - colourful static/flickering vision in dim light rooms, carpets, plain walls, occasionally around objects - negative palinopsia which sometimes looks like halos depending on light conditions - colours sometimes got more intense (which now has gone away) - only trails in peripheral vison/when i blur my eyes... which is normal I think - colourful spirals in centre of my vision in the dark which come and go - the feeling of shadows/blotches moving around my room in dark (this is what scared me the most) - intensity varies, read its common from ecstasy abuse... Anywho, reading up on all these symptoms (questioning myself if I got DP/DR, which I don't) got me severly depressed/chronically anxious so I saw many doctors and told my parents. After being on an SNRI for approximately 5 months now, safe to say I've never felt better. My visual disturbances (sometimes I think the SNRI made it worse) are still persistent but only inside or in the dark. I stupidly have done half a bump of ket and GHB a few times, both of which I didn't find interesting/fun at all, without any increases of visual symptoms. I still drink 1-2 times a week without any issues, and play sport twice a week. My ability to focus on things in sport/static in the sky after intense exercise annoys me a little bit but what can you do. Sometimes I'm hopeful that these symptoms will go away, but it seems like 90% of the time they don't so I try not to worry about them. So yeah, HPPDer through ecstasy use Wishing the best of luck within all your recoveries (y)
  6. Hi I'll give you the cliffs of my story real quick: Did MDMA once, combined with alcohol and it ruined my brain. For a little over 11 months I've suffered from, and continue to suffer from: Anxiety (Recovered, at least it seems like it) Depression DP/DR HPPD Insomnia Dizzyness Headaches Mild bruxism, though horrible tension headaches Food intolerances Bad IBS An array of cognitive impairments Indescribable suffering ??? etc Now, my question is whether working in this condition could actually be detrimental to my recovery? I had a long summer break, 7 weeks, during which I felt very good, and had many days where I was symptom free. And I had weeks and weeks where I was close to symptom free, living an absolutely fulfilling life. This carried on to the first month and a half working, I felt great. However, now I've been on a steady decline since the end of September, and I'm starting to get scared that work is actually annihilating me further. Work is now extremely hard, and I have to fight to get through it. I think I'm actually fighting harder now than I did during the first 3 months. The only reason I'm able to keep fighting is because I hope I will feel better again in a short while, but it does not seem to be happening. I'm scared that I'm now deteriorating myself permanently by working like this. What should I do? I live in a country with very reasonable health care/disability options.
  7. Just a quick one to ask if anyone who's experienced success with Keppra had developed HPPD from MDMA use, or had their HPPD significantly exacerbated by MDMA. I've just noted that a few of the unfortunate non-responsive cases have been in people with MDMA-related HPPD and wanted to know if there's any tangible connection there or not.
  8. Joseo619

    Its back and worse than ever

    Hello. My name is Jose and I live in San Diego and I have HPPD that is caused from 20 years of drug usage. I am 34 and started using when I was 14. First it was pot, then a little drinking, then it turned to psychedelics such as LSD and then mushrooms, and graduated to meth, cocaine, and then PCP. I first experienced HPPD when I was 17 and I went to a rave and took about 8 hits of acid at once. I was gone frying for about 4 days straight. I thought when I permanently saw the static snow vision never leave me that it was "cool". Now some 15 years later it is not cool to still have it. I am telling you I would smoke weed and then boom, break into this crazy psychosis that would have me tripping out hard, melting into my own fantasy land, thinking I was going to die, begging God to let me come down off of it. Life was a nightmare. I had depersonalization, would cry because I was literally in a bad world. The world we live in became a scary, trippy place. After a nervous breakdown and near suicide attempt to get me off my trip, I finally calmed down. I went to see a doctor because amazingly enough I had insurance due to me being a bing partier and having a great career. I always managed to hold a great job and still be able to party my butt off and come to work. The atmosphere at work of being alone in a quiet cubicle while coming down really made it easier to deal with. Sadly, human interaction scares me because I have these facial distortions when I stare too long in a conversation. My mind drifts. Anyway, let me stay on track. After the breakdown I got a DUI and I sobered up. This lasted 4 months and man they were the GREATEST four months of my life. I was in good shape, eating well, no alcohol, no drugs, and my mind was clearer than ever and I was anxiety and HPPD free. Then after four months my birthday came around, and all hell broke lose. Well, I was tougher mentally but the panic attacks would come after drinking when I had hangovers. They were the worst. Although I hadn't touched pot or drugs in almost 3 years, I thought I had beaten the HPPD. Then a month ago I was drunk and met some shady people on my block and started to tweak again. Then do blow, then drink, all on 3 day weekend bingers. So from the end of Sept 2011 until this past weekend, 11/12/2011, I was doing it hard again. Tweak, weed, drinking, cigarettes, and steady diet of death. Then I came back to work this past Monday the 14th, and the HPPD packed up and decided to join along for the ride. I have been on a permanent HPPD trip from hell ever since, and I know the only way to stop it is to do this: DO NOT DRINK, DO NOT DO DRUGS. Stay away from caffeine, and no cigarettes!!! Seriously, it WILL go away but you need to stay away from the people, the bars, the triggers, the MUSIC, anything that can make you want to party, do away with it. Expel it from your life. And WORK OUT. It helps. Laugh. Find a hobby, cook, and most of all, if it helps, find God. You don't have to be all hardcore bible thumping former gangster saved type a' dude, just find a higher power to beleive in to get you through. For me, I need to be homebound for a good month before I attend my meetings at Kaiser. I don't do N.A. or A.A. I do a general group or see a therapist. Even THIS is a support group to me. Then after a month of home "detox" and the gym and eating I finally get outside and take a meeting in slowly. I go to church again. i start enjoying activities such as the movies or eating in public and driving when I am sober. And finally the home stretch of staying clean. I understand what all of you are going through. I thank God I found this site. I went to my Therapists and Psychiatrists and they say HPPD "is not officially recognized". I say fuck them. One, they never did drugs, and two, they either catagorize it as Schitzophrenia, or severe anxiety or drug addiction. I still say fuck them, They have no idea this really exists. Until someone in a medical journal says it is ok to treat HPPD and they develop a coures where the freakin Therapists meet their mandatory 20 hour training in regards to "HPPD" will they realize this is for real. I am here to support ANYONE and ALL of you. Thank you for listening. God bless. -Jose in San Diego.
  9. So I'm just trying to find some commonalities amongst all of us and determine what the main culprit in causing HPPD is(i.e. frequency, dosage, substance). So if you could just list the drugs you used up until HPPD and what substances you used after HPPD and how frequently, I'd appreciate it. Also, if you could state whether or not your HPPD was instantaneous after a particular experience or gradual.....I guess really I just want like as detailed of an account as your trying to give from the time you started using drugs up until this point. If you don't wanna read this entire thing(It's kinda long) just skip to the bottom. Story: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{So for me I smoked weed for about a year before my HPPD "hit" I had done ecstasy around 20-25 times, taken LSD about 5 times, shrooms once, cocaine twice, and pills every now and then(klonopin, xanax, vicodin) but not very often. The bulk of my ecstasy use was the summer before I got into LSD.......After all my ecstasy use I had a little HPPD, I would see trails on certain things and I had a little light sensitivity but nothing out of control. It really didn't bother me at all, everything just looked a little more vibrant and alive. So then sophomore year(when I started using LSD) of college I found a LSD hook up and started trippin. I tripped 3 times over like 1 1/2 months and felt completely fine. No anxiety or weird visuals and my weed highs were still normal. Then I took like a 2 week break and then tripped acid twice more within like 3 weeks of each other. After these two trips things started to go down hill. These last 2 acid trips I had were terrible. I was really paranoid and one of my friends was screwing with me the entire time and the experiences left me in some odd state of mind. Afterwards things started to look a little "acid-like" when I was sober but I still felt like everything was ok. However whenever I would smoke weed I started to clam up and have a lot of anxiety and couldn't really speak straight at all. So I decided to take a break on weed for Christmas break and when I tried to smoke once second semester started the problems were like 20 times worse. From here on out things gradually got worse and worse, I tried to continue smoking as I thought if I regained my tolerance weed would go back to normal. After a bit of this the weird delusional thoughts and anxiety started creeping into my sober life and I decided to stop smoking weed. But, I did decide to do DMT twice and LSD once in an attempt to have a good experience and maybe redirect where everything was heading. It didn't really help....it made the visuals slightly worse but overall was just a waste of time and money. So I decided to stop with all the psychedelics and was "sober" for about a month before I went to a 2 day rave. I took ecstasy both days thinking I could never have a bad experience with that but did and that weekend worsened my visuals quite a bit. So........about a month later I got hit with DP and that was about 7 months ago.....I've taken ecstasy twice since DP hit.....Once was terrible and once was actually enjoyable. I've been more or less sober since around August except for a few drinks from time to time. So yea that's my drug story.....all of that was within about a year and a half from the first time I smoked weed to the time I got DP.}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I don't expect most people to of read all of that but mainly what I'm wanting is just to know what you believe the main culprit of your DP/DR/HPPD was. I think for me it was the two negative experiences I had on LSD. Those two experiences just set in a negative undertone to my subsequent drug use from that point forward. I feel like if I had kept the same frequency of drug usage but avoided those negative trips then I never would've developed anxiety that never would've led to DP and I don't believe my HPPD would've gotten as bad.

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