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Found 8 results

  1. Hey guys, I was posting over on the HPPD subreddit every now and again, trying to help people out. Someone linked this forum, so I figured I'd pop over here and introduce myself. As many of you know, HPPD can be the cause of much loneliness and feelings of alienation. I've met two people total in my life that also have HPPD, but it's not a topic they were looking to discuss in depth. Just a note, I'm also an alcoholic and addict in recovery with about two and a half years clean. My case started when I was about 22-years-old. My first "real" drug experience (not weed or booze) was what kicked it off. It was my first time taking MDMA. I also took about a .5g of mushrooms as well, which was also my first time. It was fantastic, really. I've dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life, and I thought I had figured out how to fix that problem. On the comedown, I had an episode of intense hallucinations, seeing people who weren't there, skulls flying around the room, blood dripping down the walls, the whole nine yards. After a few hours, my vision returned back to normal, but the event wasn't enough to deter me from overcoming my nature as an addict. After a few weeks, I was back at it, but those early times, I had no consequences, so I wrote it off as me mixing MDMA and mushrooms that first time. Eventually, I started taking molly more and more often, as well as mixing hallucinogens into my repertoire, and the hallucinatory episodes started recurring, taking a little bit longer each time for my vision to return to normal. After a three day binge, my vision never went back. CEVs, recurring night terrors, patterns, colors, things breathing, floaters, trailers, depersonalization, I had the whole gambit in that first year, only having the depersonalization go away after that period. It was rough for sure. Thoughts of suicide were constantly there, just below the surface. I gave half-hearted attempts to seek out help, but there was a part of me that loved the insanity. I loved being crazy. I loved being unique. I backed down off the hallucinogens, cycling through different phases of drugs and drinking, and the HPPD was always there, continually getting worse, always ready to torment me. I believed it was my curse for being such a shitty person. I deserved it. It was my punishment. As my using progressed and my life fell apart around me, my actual insanity intensified. I couldn't drive over a bridge without thinking about driving myself off. I couldn't hold a knife without wanting to jam it in my throat. I couldn't show up for work anymore, so I quit and moved back in with my parents. I thought I would finally have peace, but there was none to be found for me. I drank daily, used cocaine as often as I could buy it, trying to get away from the reality that was always right in front of my eyes. I wasn't even safe from my torment with my eyes closed. I hit my bottom 06/08/15 at 25. I went to treatment for substance abuse, and that was the last time I took an illicit drug. I wish I could say that after staying sober was a fix for me, that it got better right away, but it didn't. I was without my coping mechanisms, so that first year sober was worse mentally for me than my first year with HPPD. I had to relearn how to deal with life, to learn how to approach situations as an adult. Luckily, I learned a lot in that treatment center, and I continually learn more in my chosen 12-step program. I sit here enjoying my new life that has come from deciding to actually do something about my problems instead of wallowing in my misery. I just moved to a new town to be with my girlfriend, started a new job that has more opportunities for me than I ever thought possible, and know a peace that has been a mystery to me, except through chemical manipulation. My visuals are just as intense as ever, CEV, floaters, trailers, etc, but they're just there. They don't define me as a person. I'm waiting patiently for the day, if it ever comes, that I can see like I used to. If not and I have to be secretly trippy all my life, so be it. The one thing that does bother me about my situation is the difficulty I have explaining it to someone else, and that's why you see me here today. You guys know, and there's so much comfort in being around understanding company. - Brendon
  2. Hello all, My name is Christiaan, I'm 18 years old. Over this past summer I smoked copious ammounts of cannabis and consumed LSD thrice, with a space of three weeks between the first and second expereinces and one week between the second and third. On the first two occasions I consumed half of a 155ug tab and smoked a small ammount of cannabis alongside (around one bowl). during the final experience I tripped in haste in my home, and dabbed pretty heavily alongside. I had an amazing experience on 3/4 of a tab, and on the comedown of this trip I accidentally ate another 3/4 tab, intending to redose only 1/4. I panicked and went to my sister, who became upset and started to frighten me as I began to trip harder, and so I just went into my room and panicked quietly. Eventually, maybe two hours later I took 15mg Remeron, an SNRI I'm perscribed for GAD/Depression, which put me to sleep for a few hours. When I woke up I was no longer tripping. Needless to say, since this past experience I have ceased all cannabis/hallucenogen consumption. I have been seeing slight hallucenations. Surfaces sometimes breathe, subjects in paintings seem to float and move around, and when reading lettering, especially on a screen, the words and lines can really seem to warp and slide around a bit. I also have noticed strong starbursting affects on lights especially at night, but I'm fairly sure I experienced that before. I am terrified of this developing into something less easy to ignore, especially since I took an SNRI while I had a good bit of acid in my system. As time goes on I become less and less hopeful that this is simply my anxiety or heightened awareness of normal phenomena. Thank you so much if you managed to read all this. -Christiaan
  3. Hello everyone, my name is Matt. I'm a student and I also work alot alongside school. I have experimented with a lot of drugs in the past and have developed considerably difficult anxiety and what I think could be HPPD. This has an effect on my life, work and school. I never had any problems with my drug usage until after I saw one of my best friend leap over a balcony during a mushroom trip. My visual symptoms are tracers, after-images, halos, also got tinnitus (although that was caused by a fireworks accident) but has been excacerbated by what I think is HPPD. My eyes are very sensitive to bright lights and I see bright flashes when staring at something bright, like the sky or my computer screen. I really want some answers because this is pretty frightening for me. I'm pretty much always anxious from day to day, and I was wondering if anxiety could make HPPD symptoms worse. I have researched a lot about these disorders but there isnt alot about HPPD anywhere. So I ask you, anxiety and HPPD = worse symptoms? Thanks in advance, any help is immensely appreciated!
  4. Hi everyone, i really dont know how to start and i hope you can excuse any mistakes in language as im from europe and i even have problems using my mother language at the moment due to my mental situation (If you want to skip the detailed story you can scroll down to my current symptoms, which basically began after one weekend of smoking too much weed where i had something like a panic attack while smoking alone.) Maybe i just start with a review of my past two months where my current state began and a little about me and my drug usage. Im 22 years old and started with drinking alcohol with 14 like all my other friends, sure i often drunk too much in the future but only at parties and never drunk alone or had the feeling that i need alcohol, pretty normal i guess. Last year (2016) i started smoking weed (just smoked one time before i was 21 and felt nothing so i had no demand doing it again). Due to new friends and an interest in weed because i found out my father smokes pretty often i started to smoke with friends occasionally and somehow i liked that feeling now. I would even say that after a few times i started to love that feeling. Alcohol was no more fun and i said to myself that its better to smoke sometimes and dont drink anymore except a beer or two sometimes (even my father said that to me). In fall last year i moved from my families house to my own place with a friend. That change in life was awesome i was so motivated, happy and loved the new freedom. Someday i bought my first own weed (maybe because it was possible now to do anything without the parents near) and i couldnt resist trying it out alone. It got more often and between november 2016 and march 2017 i smoked almost everyday i got time but i was still going to work everyday and university (sober). I think it still was a „normal“ amount and sometimes i didnt smoked for 2 weeks or so without a problem. In March a friend of mine died i didnt knew him very good because he lived in another town but somehow it bothered me a lot (dont know if this has something to do with my problem). Smoking weed after this incident was almost the same except that i felt a little tension in my chest and when i tried to sleep it took a while. Then there was the weekend whereupon everything started. On saturday march 25th two friends came over to have a nice evening and smoke some weed. I already worked the whole day and was awake since 5am but i didnt smoked for a week or two so i was excited. It was a great evening but after a while i was really tired and fell asleep for a few minutes when my friends were still there. I got some new weed and they left early like 11pm. I dont know why but instead of going back to bed i smoked another one alone. I felt again an odd tension in my chest and was a bit nervous but after a few hours i fell asleep. The following sunday my girlfriend had no time and i had new weed so the first thing in the morning was smoking again. I smoked three joints over the day i think and felt pretty normal (just normally stoned the whole day). Only in the evening the tension came again but harder this time and there were some „stitches“ in my chest. I was getting nervous but was able to calm down myself. Again it was harder to fall asleep this evening. It was like starting to dream while still awake and realizing it and wake up due to this feeling. The next morning i felt normal again i think and at midday i smoked another one with my flatmate because our internet was broken and we didnt know what to do. Suddenly i felt like being between stoned and sober and i just wanted to be fully sober. Everything felt a bit unreal like a dream somehow and the fact that our internet was not working was strange in my eyes and made me ask myself „is this really happening?“. But i managed to keep calm and said too myself that everything is normal that im just stoned and that i will be sober after a few hours. At the evening the internet suddenly worked again and i felt good again as far as i can remember. But instead of asking myself why i felt so strange and why i had this chest tension and stitches the last days i smoked another joint at this evening. Afterwards i was with a friend on skype playing a videogame when i suddenly had the feeling of getting a heart attack or something i had to lay down and was very anxious (i think this was my first little panic attack). The feeling came like in waves but i was able to calm down myself. It was a strange feeling i felt like not getting enough oxygen in my lungs, couldnt sit still and i just wanted to go outside. I took a walk but back home i didnt felt better. The „getting a heart attack“ feeling came multiple times again. Later it got better somehow and i was able too sleep (its hard to remember details since my memory is one of the main problems now). After this evening everything began and before you ask i never smoked or drank again after this evening (2 months now). The next day i said to my girlfriend that i feel strange somehow but not bad it was a strange feeling in my stomach like being a little sick and nervous. But the day was okay i even was in the city buying some led strips for decoration but when turning them on i realized that it make me feel very sick when the lights were flashing fast. I also got that same sick feeling in my stomach when i tried to focus small text. I thought that this weekend was just too much and its like a small withdrawal. The next they i went to university and in the train i was getting a bit nervous and was glad when i got off but otherwise everything seemed good i could concentrate just like normal. The only thing i noticed was that at midday a had to yawn like every 5 seconds for about an hour and felt a bit light sensitive (but it was one of the first sunny days so i thought my eyes just have to adapt to the new light condition). Back at home i started to feel strange and very nervous again, my heart started to beat very hard and fast and i thought again that i dont get enough oxygen. I went to the hospital because i couldnt calm down. I was so nervous that i was a bit confused, they checked my heart and blood values but everything was fine. After a while i got calm and was glad about the results. I left the hospital and felt pretty okay but was scared to stay alone. The days after i started to feel dizzy and extremely anxious and thought that something really is wrong with me i cried the next days very often for no real reason i felt hopeless and empty (hard to describe that emptiness). I went to my father because i couldnt be alone. At this time i knew something is different and everything felt strange and unreal like a nightmare but i couldnt really describe it and had no idea what was going on. After one week since all started i couldnt focus my eyes on anything for longer than a second and felt like seeing everything with 10 fps also every flickering light made me nervous and feel sick. This got better after a few days but i realized a lot new symptoms which stayed since then. So here is a list of what i noticed after the first strong fear was gone: Visual problems trails but by now only in dawn light condition every light and reflection blinds me and glares, even car, bike or traffic lights at daytime long afterimages of everything, positive and negative lots of grey and normal floaters in every light condition starbursting if the environment is dark around the light sources, gets worse if the light is far away ghosting, especially if its dark and there is white text on dark background everything seems a bit oversaturated at daytime very little static my eyes seem flickering and unsettled the whole time looking at a display is hard feels like looking through a slot or that something semi transparent is diagonal about half the display difficulty to focus my eyes on something for a time longer than a few seconds the feeling that my eyes are to slow if scrolling a website or something sometimes one of my pupils is almost double the size of the other one Other problems tinnitus (had tinnitus on one ear before but now worse and on both ears) constant tension in my whole body sometimes my muscles hurt even without doing sports at the beginning it was very hard to eat constant dizziness not strong but its there everything and everyone seems foreign, especially when looking in someones eyes i feel anxious and sick (maybe dp/dr dont know) cant really sleep, it feels like i instantly start to dream when i close my eyes but never get deep sleep, i wake up every 2 hours and sometimes i cant fall asleep again i feel dumb and cant concentrate at all (brain fog?) it feels like i cant think at all if i want or have to my brain just "does nothing" im really depressed i could cry every second but only because of the thought "you ruined your life, you had everything" no feelings except the one above, i feel like a robot and act the right way only because i know how to but i dont feel it (is this dp?) everything feels like a nightmare sometimes i think im still in my bed and its still march and i hope to wake up, i know this is stupid but im somehow not sure if its not true no sense of time at all, if something happend a second ago and i think about it it feels like it happend years before, i dont have feelings connected to the memories, and they all seem to be far away (anyone know this feeling?) my own thoughts "scare me" and feel also kind of far away, even if i plan to take a shower it feels strange in my head somehow old memories are suddenly in my head even if they happened 15 years ago, they are as clear as things which happened minutes ago, also if i look at something i instantly get a memory in my head which my brain seems to associate with what im seeing (i think this is one of the reasons why i feel like im in a dream and im not in here and now) i see faces and eyes everywhere even without looking for them like my brain searches for them without my control, i see them in trees, walls etc. i can say "its just a tree" and i dont see real faces or eyes but i cant see objects just like they are without my brain starting its rollercoaster drive of thoughts and associations (pareidolia i think but its extreme) i feel like the most important filter in my brain is messed up, in the city i see every reflection, movement etc. also sounds seem louder than before and i cant ignore them (i even hear sounds i didnt heard before, they are real but i think they were filtered out before, maybe hyperacusis) sometimes i think about suicide or behaving strangely and because everything feels unreal and like a dream im scared i will do it, i feel disinhibited somehow i feel like i have forgotten how to think, all i do is associate old memories and compare all the time how things were before 2 months Last week (i think) i found out about HPPD and found many of my symptoms which werent explainable with other disorders, especially those visual problems. I would love to hear some opinions about my symptoms and if they are typically for the HPPD related things like dr/dp, anxiety etc. friends say that i behave just normal only a bit sad and not as happy as before. This is what gives me a little hope because sometimes i thought i become insane. Tanks for reading.
  5. Hey Everybody, I'm new to the forum and just figured I'd introduce myself. My story is fairly typical. I had a really bad acid trip about a year ago. Before then I had only smoked pot on occasion. For weeks after the trip I continued feeling dizzy/lightheaded, high-contrast textures seemed to move, couldn't focus on text at all and all sound seemed weirdly amplified in that trippy way where it seems like you can hear every conversation in a public place. I eventually noticed crazy phosphenes at night, Halos, static, floaters/flashes and after images after a couple months. I'm lucky enough to not have experienced dp/dr or panic attacks. I'm happy to say that after about 11 months most of my symptoms have either been greatly reduced or gone away completely. I rarely feel dizzy anymore, textures are mostly stable, rarely see phosphenes, no more halos, and I don't get the auditory trippiness anymore. My floaters/flashes and static are still there but I think they've either improved greatly or I'm just good at ignoring them. The only thing that hasn't improved are the afterimages, which seem to have gotten worse over the past few months (negative burns and tracers on bright lights at night). I'm hoping with a little meditation, stress-management and possibly therapy I can be relatively symptom-free. I've sworn off all recreational drugs and I very rarely drink alcohol or caffeine anymore. When I do it's in extreme moderation. This stuff freaks me out because I work in a creative, visual field in Hollywood so I really depend on my vision. It hasn't affected my career and I want it to stay that way. I'm proud to be hitting the one year mark in a month. I'm hoping the first year is the hardest. Trying to stay positive. So anyway just wanted to say "hi". Any other LA-based HPPDers out there?
  6. Hello. I've just joined this forum. I am from Germany and therefore my English might be bad sometimes, because I am not familiar with terms and words to use when talking about drugs in English. But I hope you are going to understand what I am trying to explain. I am not even sure, if the things I experience are really to be called HPPD. But I've read a lot about this topic and wrote in another german community (Land der Träume) about it, and I guess everything points into this direction. I started taking Hawaiian Baby Woodrose in December 2010. I had four trips in total. The last one was at 27th January 2011 and it never stopped. I mean, since then I feel different. This last trip was a spontaneous one, just chewing two or three seeds and then my family interrupted me before it could really start for dinner. I already felt it coming up, but then I needed to hide. Other drugs I took before Woodrose are Kratom,Syrian rue (Pegganum harmalal) and Nutmeg. After a while (maybe 2 months) I took some Kratom to "cure" the woodrose-feelings. It felt like heaven. The woodrose parted my inner thoughts and Kratom melted it all together again. But when the effect went away, I felt worse than before. I took about 80 grams of Kratom in two weeks. and then for a long time nothing. I just coped with the symptoms somehow. But about 2 months ago,I started again with Kratom and Tramadol. The last one has a immense effect on me, I need very less to get the feeling. My HPPD-like symptoms come and go. Well, actually they are always there, but sometimes it is very hard for me to get along with them. About a week ago it started to be hard again. Since yesterday evening they go away slowly, and therefore I am only able to write about it, before I could not concentrate on typing and stuff like that, because my keyboard looked like a dancehall for letters. Today I tried to not notice the things I see. And that made it more creative. There were bright white rectangle flying through my field of vision or blue stripes following me. The shade of blue was like water in typical carribean beaches. I also notice halos around objects. As already said, letters are dancing with each other, and when reading texts the black color melts together, I see patterns in it, these patters are moving and changing colours, mostly it becomes a dark green or violet or blue. Often there is something like a grey dust above everything, like static on TV, but in grey and with smaller grains. I also see afterimages sometimes, and I have always Closed-Eye-Visions. They are annoying when they don't let me fall asleep. I mean, how can someone sleep, when seeing a firework or a giraffe eating leaves? I see floaters on the blue sky and on walls, no need to look there for long time, they com imidiatly A few months ago I was in the theatre. There I saw trails of the actors. Actually there have been around 5 people on stage but for me there were lots more. I still saw where they stood before. The stage was mostly white with less prop on it. And it feels like objects are moving but they don't do it for real. Often there are moving colourful objects in my field of vision. They always have the same colour, but this colour can change. I want to say, that at a time there are some balls in the same colour, but the next day they all have another colour. I am pretty sure, I forgot many many things. Some even have gone already. I feel like that for more than a year... For example I don't have that much pseudo-hallucinations anymore. At the beginning I saw a special type of snails everywhere I went. (I guess it was a hallucination, I can't imagine that there are 30 snails in my room really) Now there are only the colours and wrong movements. When I want to push everything away, it intensifies for more attention. In summer it seems worse than in winter. When I have lots of stress it gets worse too and it also worsens when I am hungry and tired. right now my black keyboard looks very green. and the edges blur. When listening to special kinds of music, I feel better. Music like Pink Floyd or Jefferson Airplane or other psychedelic stuff. ----- So, to people who know more about HPPD, does that sound like it? If there are questions, please feel free to ask me. Or if my phrasing is not good enough. Another thing: A while ago, while taking Kratom, I painted my lamp with blue colour. I also have a blue cloth in front of my window against the sunlight. And somehow I feel finer in this blue light than in other lightbulb-light. Is there somewhere something about that? and does anyone know about if Kratom is good for stuff like this or if it "harms" me more? I also want to learn riding motorbike. But I am afraid of it with all these colorful balls in my Field of vision. Anyone has experience with that? I reallly want to feel this freedom,but I guess it could be hard... Thanks for reading and I hope you could understand, what I am trying to say Greetings
  7. Hi my name is Corey, I am 22 years old and from Sydney, Aus. This is my first post so i'll try to be as thorough about my HPPD as i can be, From the age of 16 i was a recreational drug user i would go to raves, parties drink heavily and pop "Ecstasy" every weekend when i was 17 i had my first 2-cb based pill which i fell in love with and began abusing. ( taking every weekend and seeking the drug out specifically) After 2 months of 2-cb use, i had my first "Bad trip" It was an awfully long and bad experience, i came down as normal and decided to not touch that particular drug. I continued to drink and pop ecstasy, always asking people if it had 2-cb in it or "trippy shit" as i would say, needless to say i got another 2-cb pill by accident under the impression it had no 2-cb in it, i had 2 upon leaving a day club and yep i freaked out again. I recovered once more and decided to swear off drugs completley, In my own stupidity i popped irregularlly and used Speed because i thought it was a bit cleaner and i knew what i was gettting, this continued till i was 21 when i was at a club and decided to have half a pill at a friends birthday apparently it was 2-ci or 2-cb based, i did not know that at the time. I took the pill which seemed normal got quite smacky, when i awoke from my munt i was tripping, i told my friend that i don't handle this well and they immediatley took me back to the hotel and watched over me as i went to sleep to avoid the freakout, i woke up scattered and stupidly i decided to drink the whole next day to ease the comedown. This was in June of last year. All was good until about 4 days after the last freakout, i was at work and suddenly noticed i couldnt see out of my left eye and it was gradually getting worse, It was a migraine. My sight returned and i felt quite bad the rest of the day with the pounding headache. After that day is when i started to notice things i never seen before, I will try to list my symptoms that i had when it began. Floaters- Small specs and silvery lines floating through my vision at all times and a lot of them Flashers - Shooting stars that fly across my vision and dissapear Auras - When i would be reading i could notice a slight aura around things that i was reading or around the edges of people After images - Wherever i look, if i stared for too long and looked away i would be able to see the shape of that object for about 5-10 secs usually a purplely colour A feeling of off balance - When it first began i would always feel dizzy, like i was still tripping it was odd and i couldnt pin point why i felt like this Visual Snow - Static on everything, notice it more in the dark or when look at a pattern like carpet, i later found if i would wake up during the night and look at my phone with only my right eye open, i would see intensely thick static like a tv with terrible reception. Anxiety - This was awful in the first few months, it has gotten slighty better over time. I would throw up every morning, have panic attacks at work ( intense feeling of fear) Warping and breathing - If i stare and focus on anything for too long not only do i get the after images, Stuff starts to appear to breathe and dissapear from my peripheral vision, i have to blink and re focus my vision to get it back to "Normal" Ghosting - When reading i can see and identical copy of the letter above sometimes it gets so bad like as if i were looking at 3d screen but without the glasses, usually at its worst in the morning or when i am squinting, This doesn't just appear on writing it has gotten worse in the last few months and there are now ghosted copies of everything, people cars etc. Blinking usually resets my vision to a more bearable level. Reflections - I am really bugged out by my own reflection, i also constantly see double in the mirror when up close. Star bursting - This is a symptom that has increased within the last few months, at night it is car headlights and streetlights, i will see a star type formation on the light with rays shooting off in different directions, in daylight it is the worst, sunlight reflecting off cars are like camera flashes. I notice this from very far distances. Trails - If im looking at something and the background behind it is bright say white, if something moves across it i see a shape move across with it like fog. Also one other strange thing is when i look at the bright blue sky i see all this tiny silver dots flying around in my vision, not sure what this would be called but i never used to see it until this hppd started. Since it began i have sort medical advice by seeing a neurologist who sent me to have an MRI and Blood work done, both came back negative to anything physically serious, i was then reffered to a neuro opthamoligist which said my eyes are perfectly fine, that was this week i have ceased going to these doctors as it is clear they have no idea what they are dealing with or how to help other then to tell me hopefully time will heal it. Basically what i hope to achieve with this post is get some advice such as How do most people cope with it a little better? Is there anything known that i could take to alleviate some of these visual symptoms? Do you find it gets worse or better over time? Any advice at all. I'd like to say thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this and give me their input. I apologise if my post is not clear or thorough enough as its my first time posting. thank you