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Found 147 results

  1. Hi everybody, I'm from Spain and im soffering this fucked shit HPPD since I was 15 yo. To the beginning i had several mild psychotic attacks. These were horrible, but suddenly they went. First symptoms were vs, halos, flashes, ed, low libido,depressión, anxiety, dp/Dr, panic attacks,... Nowadays i have a regular Life. I have a good job, i try don't to think about HPPD, i have girlfriend, but i feel that i have to give another Big step because we wanna hace childs and everyday since 10 years ago i take 1 pill of lorazepam and 1/2 of deprax, just to leave me sleep 6-7 hours at least. I want to leave them because i feel memory loss and other bother sympthoms. And because i want todo face It without drugs. As well i would like to know if someone else has soffered ed even to with Viagra. I don't know if it's a secondary HPPD effect, but i would bet for It. What do you think? My BEST wishes for all. I'm sure we can get much better and cure this shit. Sorry about my english.
  2. Hi all, So on August 6, 2017, at around 10pm, my friend basically forced me into doing acid for the first and only time. I didn’t really want to take it, my girlfriend had just broken up with me, I had gotten blackout drunk the night before, I had just eaten, and I was also afraid of the drug because I had always been told it fries your brain. So anyways, I took one tab of tested (not synthetic [excuse my terminology I know nothing about this stuff]) in order to get high, which is the wrong reason to take the drug. I didn’t really feel anything until I started getting some minor visuals a few hours in. Then at about the 5 hour mark, the trip turned terrible. I started freaking out, I got constipated, and I began to freak out begging my friend to take me to the hospital. After about 4 more hours of this, we both agreed to take a single Xanax bar, and that helped me finally go to sleep. The next day I felt ok, things seemed a little different and I guess I knew to expect that temporarily. The day after that is when all my problems began to surface. I began to see an abnormal amount of floaters in my vision that move with my eyes, not on my own, and I also began to see afterimages of everything and I have also developed blue field entoptic phenomenon as well. These all pale in comparison to the anxiety which controls me. It’s now been 2 months (October 11, 2017) as I write this, and I haven’t been able to get good sleep on a consistent basis and I am extremely concerned that this is tearing my life apart. I can’t get the fact that I used acid out of my head. The floaters never subside unless I am in a dimly lit room, and I become extremely anxious and am not able to sleep easily at night. My social life has significantly deteriorated as well, as my friends love to smoke pot but I no longer do because I am afraid it will aggravate my HPPD. The girl who broke up with me the day of the trip gave me a second chance, but after acid I became completely obsessed with her to a point where it became necessary for her to remove me from her life, despite the fact that I was never like that with her before tripping, and I convinced myself that I could not live without her, which is downright creepy and not like the old me at all. She has called me psychotic on two different occasions since the breakup despite me not telling her anything I am suffering from. It has now been 3 weeks and my thoughts are still consumed by her and my HPPD. I haven’t smoked pot since 6 days before the trip, and since the trip I have taken one Xanax and drank on several occasions, which I have now stopped. I use an e cigarette every day and but I don’t drink caffeine. I have committed now to complete sobriety aside from the e cig, which I had quit previously for about 3 days, but did not alleviate any symptoms. I’m only 17 and I have my whole life ahead of me and right now I feel like it isn’t worth living if I have to deal with this. I made a mistake, one tab of acid, and I don’t know if I can deal with the reality that this may haunt me for the rest of my life. If this is truly permanent, I can’t see why I would want to continue to be a part of this world as it’s only been 2 months and the symptoms, however minor, are now unbearable. I cannot get professional help as my parents are non-believers in western medicine and would not send me to a psychiatrist unless I went full-blown insane. There is also no history of mental illness in my family. Any suggestion is welcome.
  3. Hey all. I'm 18 and pretty confident I have some form of HPPD, or at least something's definitely changed in the past few months, and this is the first support board I've consulted. This is going to be really long because I want to be as specific as possible and see if anyone can relate in any ways. If you only care for what I consider the more important part of the reason why I'm typing this, read the last 2 paragraphs. First, I'll start with some background: About 4 months ago, my friend hit me up about tripping at a different friend's house. At first, I thought we were doing some shrooms, but when I arrived he only had a couple tabs of acid, and I was down to try as it was the summertime before I was going to go to college, and I believed myself ready for such an experience. I took one tab, 100mics, and was fully confident. Eventually though, we had to move locations, and my friend decided to go to a beach near my house. As I was on the come up, he thought it a good idea to invite all my sober friends over and hang out. I was good up until this point, but we then moved location to my house, and this is when I really started bugging. So as we were about to go in my house, my sober friends decided to talk to me about "how stupid it was" to have taken acid and that they "never would have done that". This combined with the setting of my house with my parents and siblings inside made for a very paranoid portion of the trip. Luckily, I wasn't really tripping so much as feeling pretty high at this stage, so I insisted to my friend that we leave immediately. I began pleading to my friend that was also tripping, saying maybe it was a mistake that I took it, and that maybe I would be changed forever, but he brought me somewhat back into control, but it was mostly of my own efforts. As soon as we left my house, the experience completely changed. At this point, I was really tripping hard and the car ride felt super good, with the wind blowing and all of my senses being melded together, I just felt really really good. As the night progressed, we had arrived at a nature conservatory, and just settled down. I won't go into specifics, but I really enjoyed this portion and had a super positive and intelligent time. I then headed back with the same friend who had tripped, and began to see those weird effects on objects when you're driving, where it becomes like shutter frames or something. The roads around me are also super swervy, and I felt pretty cool as I drifted back and forth (This is important for later on). As we arrived back, I slept it off and felt pretty dead the next day, but felt nonetheless completely normal. TL;DR, We tripped at my house for a little, where I was bugging out, but as soon as we left I had a really positive and mind-blowing experience with acid. Post all this, I was a big fan of acid, and even vouched for it to multiple friends and believed it to be supremely enjoyable. I was even considering doing it with one of my close friends who had done it in the past, and never really looked back on the experience the whole rest of the summer. I drank, smoked, and enjoyed the rest of my days pretty much just partying. I had some slight paranoia about flashbacks and such, because of course I had realized they existed, but such a low percentage of people had it that I was sure I wouldn't and one friend I knew had taken 1000 mics and convinced me that they didn't exist. I wouldn't be the guy who got it. No way. Fast forward to about 2 months ago, and it was three days before I was set to leave. I was having one more huge smoke sesh with my friend before I left, and didn't have acid on my mind for a second. It was like any other stoned night, and as I was driving my friend back to my house, I distinctly remember feeling a sudden onset of that swervy road feeling again, and it brought me back to the trip where I began seeing the same exact visuals that I saw the night that I was tripping on the way back to my house, like the shutter frame thing. I got pretty paranoid, but my friend convinced me to go get pizza in town with him and settle down, and I instantly felt way better. I ended the night on a high note, and the trip ended as soon as I stepped out of the car. Then I proceeded to pass out at my house. I decided that as long as I didn't drive at night baked, I would be fine. The next day, I woke up feeling fine and decided to smoke with one of the same friends. With the knowledge I had assumed, that all I needed to do was not drive high at night, I gave high driving another go but this time during the day. Boy, was I wrong. I got far far more trippy visuals than the day before, like my whole line of sight being tilted side to side every time I looked up at the road, along with the same visual effect as the other day. I was incredibly paranoid, and wondered if this would happen every time I smoked. I told my friend that I needed to drop him off (what a shitty way to end our last sesh ever) and proceeded to drive back in this same trippy state. When I got back home, the trip didn't end like when I got out of the car the night before, and I really started to freak out and immediately decided to sleep it off. I don't really remember how I felt the rest of the day, but I know I wasn't tripping anymore after I slept, just slightly foggy like after you smoke. The day after this, I noticed something was up. I felt pretty detached, and became super anxious, especially as it was the day before I was leaving for college. It felt like I was just permanently slightly buzzed. I also noticed that when I drove, my vision would ever so slightly lean one way then snap back into place, which obviously didn't help. As I got to college, my vision was still the same, cloudy and like my entire perception is different. When I arrived (Been about a month and a half now) I continued to drink, and felt pretty fine and continue to feel mostly fine. I then decided to try adderall (I'm prescribed) and felt fine the first two times, but the third had my first onset of what I believe to be true DP;DR, or at least one of them the day after. It was probably the single-handed worst day of my life. I felt as though I couldn't communicate with anyone, and that I was barely there, almost like I was just a set of senses looking at people through a weird fuzzy glass. I couldn't feel emotions like I used to, so much so that I visited the university doctor and got pretty much nothing besides a possible prescription for benzos, which I refused. For those of you who deal with this on an everyday basis, I cannot imagine the pain and suffering you go through. I continued to have these days every so often on a lesser scale, but on these days as soon as I began interacting with people and getting into routine I was brought back into myself, but never fully. This brings me to now, as I sit here typing this instead of my 10 page essay because it's so hard to do fucking anything now. I used to be very social, with a significant amount of control over my emotions and my mental state. It's super difficult and strange to describe how I feel on a day-to-day basis in terms of my mental state, as most days I feel and function fine, but it's almost as if I don't truly enjoy, hate, love, or feel anymore. I'll laugh at things I find funny, but it's like the part of me that laughs is in a completely separated part of my head than how I feel. Even when I was crying to the doctor involuntarily about my mother, I felt this sort of utter nothingness in my head, yet an overwhelming sorrow and melancholy at the same time. I don't want to say this is psychosis, because I felt far worse the day I had a bout of DP;DR, but it still feels like so inferior to my past way of living. The visual stuff is worse and better on some days, but a symptom I haven't yet read of anyone else getting is that when I shake my head, my perception almost needs to catch up, which creates this disorienting illusion of the objects moving side to side. The same applies to when I move my head forward and back and look at an object, it almost becomes magnified for a quick second when I pull my head away because the closeness of the object is still there for a quick second. The tilting of my peripheral is sometimes still there, though I can make it worse by tilting my head. When I run, with every step my vision gets jolted slightly, and one of the most noticeable weird things is that when I make myself dizzy, and then stare at an object, rather than getting that typical woozy dizzy feeling I used to get, my vision tilts and snaps back very quickly (Every .5s) at a lesser and lesser scale until eventually it settles back into place. I also get halos (rainbow with white lights), streaks when I blink, and light sensitivity. It doesn't help that I'm posed to go into business, and noticed that with stress and lack of sleep my symptoms get way worse. All of this is also worse at night. In such an important time in my life, acid really screwed me over. Thanks to whoever takes the time to read all this.
  4. CBD

    Does anyone or has anyone tried cbd oil? What has it done for you in terms of visuals
  5. Has anyone used this supplement? I know gaba plays a big role in hppd and i havent seen many trials on this supplement. Its only $10 so if no one has tried it, i will gladly guinea pig. So, please let me know! https://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/B0013OVZAG/ref=pd_aw_sim_121_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=2VHBYAHDRPDTKMXFFKFJ&dpPl=1&dpID=41gIOd1BtwL
  6. Hey everyone. I've been off the page for a little while since I got a new job, requires me to be gone from home for 12 hours a day 7 days a week and after my 7 days I get a week off. The job itself is doing me wonders, It shows me that I can still live a functioning normal life even with a few vision problems and some anxiety. The time I usually get to notice my symptoms is when I'm driving on the highway late at night, so tonight when I was driving for the first time in a week I noticed my ghosting was a lot less severe. Ever since I started taking magnesium oxide I've also noticed my visual snow has nearly completely gone! I don't wanna say there's only 5-10% of it left but I will say it's about 50% less than what it was about a month ago. If you're someone who doesn't have a job or had dropped out of school due to hppd, my honest suggestion is to push through it and not let it dictate the things you do. If you let hppd control the way you live your life you're getting sucked into it and it becomes you. There's more to you than hppd, there's so many other things to be done. On one final note, I think the last time I was on this page was the 29th of August and I will say not browsing this page every day benefited me so much. I came back here for the first time in a week tonight and after reading some posts I felt my anxiety and nervousness levels rise. This page can be very helpful to you to get advice from people or if a new symptom arrises. But I was so much worse off when I was browsing these forums 2-3 times a day every day. Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate the page, as far as I'm concerned we are all family fighting a battle and I would do anything for every one of you that was in my power. But there needs to be a point when you step back from the forums and pick yourself up and move on with your life. I will still be around, just not every day, I encourage you all to do the same.
  7. So, quick for introduction to my background in regards of HPPD, I have done a whole bunch of drugs before and I already had HPPD in a major developement and tried to manage it with certain forms of therapy and by giving it aome conciouss time... my constant symptoms when it was the best were tracers and that a part of my concioussess is in the spirit world which is very fine with me. I pretty much had trust in DMT and Salvia (I don´t know why I trusted Salvia I only tryed it a few times before and one time it even scared me, with that I have to mention that I am used to trip hard and that it is hard to scare me in this sense ) To the topic... about 26h ago I tripped hard on salvia while I was on Paracetamol ( stupidity is big in this one because I forgot that I was taking Paracetamol because I took it as medication for my cold, knowing that Paracetamol has some sort of not fully researched effect on opioid eceptor and the fact that Salvinorin-a bind onto kappa-opioid receptors I propably wouldn´t have done the salvia) After the trip I instantly wrote down my experience and while writing it down I started this feeling in my body arise, it was a combination between the HPPD I got from a 2cb x MDMA x Methamphetamine x Cannabis and the HPPD I got from a painfull experience with 5HTP and LSD just mixed into this salvia dissociation and trip I slept hours longer than I usually do and woke up very dissociated The dissociation is my main problem with this case of HPPD because it is not only like depersonalization/dissociation-syndrome it has it´s very own vibe ( like every HPPD) ... I just never had HPPD from a dissociative psychedelic I guess^^ other symptoms include: very strong enhancement of colours ( even stronger that it was with the LSD HPPD) ,constant contact/concioussness with/about these imagined/normally unperceived entities that arise when tripping hard on salvia, also I don´t have small visuals in my visual field like specific tracers for this HPPD or swirls or anything but my whole vision is moving as one most of the time when it is weaker ( as if I knew the world was spinning) when it gets worse I can´t see sharply and more complex geometric patterns are in my whole visual field. I hope someone here can help me or that I can at least find some kind souls to share a path together much love and light Ari
  8. My doctor prescribed me 0.5 mg of klonopin to take when needed, how should i take it so it reduces visuals.
  9. Dear Fellow Hppdler! So iam a hppd newbie , i've had it since this march. so roughly 5 Months. I actually just want to ask you if my symptoms are Hppd, or pre hppd, PTSD or whatever! Symptoms: NO visual snow! NO trailing! NO afterimages! The only Vision related things are: Increase of colour , eg trafficlights But somehow only bright colors do increase^^, weird stuff ^^ Normal colors look normal My vision got worse, like my general eyesight got worse. Then i also got DR , but no DP! Actually only the derealisation bothers me... It got better during the months, but the DR did only slightly decrease. Do you think this is Hppd? Iam not sure about this, i got my hppd from some horrific lsd trip , so may i just have a trip related trauma? and my mind is trying to protect itself from it by going in DR mode? PS: of couse i stopped ALL drug use since then sincerely, J
  10. Alright, i bought a supplement called gaba by now off amazon, because i know gaba plays a big part in hppd and it also has relatively positive reviews. I posted on here and on the facebook page and i didnt get any responses in regards to people using it so im going to guinea pig and let people know the effects in the in my post on the medication forum.
  11. Im looking to get some ppinions on this, does anyone think if you refrain from pharms and/or illegal drugs you are more likely to make a 100% Full recovery in the future? As in only exercising and taking supplements and healthy dieting, no fap. I feel like in a way it only makes sense, your brain chemistry was altered and continuing use with any powerful mind altering medication will only slow things down? I am now no longer looking to go on any benzos or medication long term. My goal now is to only use a clonazepam in a dire situation. I feel like your brain needs to rewire which i do believe it has the power to do.
  12. so the last time i took lsd was months ago, and my trip was filled with anxiety and panic. I was just anxious the whole time and had a bad panic attack because i was scared about dying. ;ever since that trip, i feel as if my vision isnt quite the same, and im not talking about the hppd aspect of it. things and people just looking slightly different, and a little more dream like. Everything and objects just look"off" and not quite like they used to, which really bothers me. When i try to recall in my memory how things used to look, it takes on the same "off" look in my mind as everything does now. Is this derealization? Am I stuck like this? will this visual change ever go away? the only things that have changed since i took the lsd was my vision and i have more anxiety now. what is this?
  13. I have had slight visual snow for my entire life as far as i can remember, never been a problem i always just though it was what normal vision looked like, its not a concern to me tbh. I have been smoking weed for atleast 2 years now mostly just when im with people so not that often, and have done Mdma twice. However not long ago I recently started seeing what looked like really tiny rain drops, the type you would have to go out of your way to try to see, constantly falling in my vision. Its only really visable when i dont concentrate on something or im looking into a dark space. I would probably decribe them more as a super thin/small pulsing light that kind of resembles rain drops. I noticed this a few days ago where i would look out me window trying to figure out if it was raining or not, and didnt think anything of it. Now I recently have been looking Into HPPD to see if thats what it is i am a lot more aware of them, I cant tell if it has been getting worse or im simply over aware of it and trying to look for it all the time. Doesnt really impact my life to much just anoying and freaks me out. What im really worried about is if its going to get worse. Anyone able to tell me if they think this is HPPD? I am also just as worried thats its not HPPD and it could be something more seriously wrong with my eyes? Thanks!!!
  14. A few nights ago i decided to take mdma idiotically because my symptoms were so much better after 4 months of abstaining from drugs, well during the trip and afterwards i can say i believe i know whats it like to have the full 9 yards of hppd. During the trip it was horrifying, faces everywhere on my floor on my dogs fur on my wall, my feet were itchy i could feel the anxiety and paranoia but i think the mdma helped me manage to stay happy. The next day i learned of all the severity of symptoms that other people have that i dont, my ghosting was not just only above like it usually is, but it was below and side by side, 4x as worse as what it usually was. When people talk about starbursting, i used to think that was normal, but no i saw what it really was like, and i saw afterimages of literally everything. My visual snow was creating flying cars or weird hallucinations that i couldnt completely make out, my anxiety had been almost the same as it was before. Thankfully 4 days later it seems as if im back to the baseline as to where it was before. Guys, mdma used to be my drug, i used to do it every day before work but now i cant stomach it. So my message to you is, if you have hppd, DRUGS ARE NOT WORTH IT.
  15. >Visits the doctors about HPPD, doctor doesn't know anything about HPPD >Tells doctor about persisting drug-induced hallucinations and panic attacks, gets referred to a drug and alcohol service >Makes it clear that there is no history of addiction or continued use, gets referred to psychiatrists >Open to suggestion, trying not to be classed as a drug-seeker, I accept the anti-psychotic prescription Seroquel >Takes Seroquel, makes HPPD worse, notifies doctors of this >Is offered SSRI anti-depressants for panic attacks, rejected them >Prescribed antipsychotic Olanzepine (Zyprexa), which doesn't do anything for HPPD, and Diazepam (Valium) for panic attacks, which also does nothing >Moved to a mental health facility so that doctors can sort medication out >Psychiatrists conclude that panic disorder can fix itself and that the HPPD visuals are psychotic hallucinations >Prescribes Aripiprazole (Abilify), and took away the Diazepam, which made HPPD worse, and induced anxiety and hypertension (high blood pressure) Psychiatrists insist that benzo's are unsafe and should only be used short term due to risk of addiction, despite no history of addiction and the thousands of milligrams worth of any benzodiazepine it would take to actually be fatal. Big fuck you to every single doctor out there who hasn't done their research and has treated every HPPD patient like this. I have already explained to them that the most effective treatment for HPPD include anti-convulsants, but they do not listen. Instead they want to chuck as many anti-psychotics and anti-depressants at me as possible, hoping that I will come across one that will eventually kill me. These doctors are not here to help, they are here to kill and deny effective treatment. Even if addiction were a problem (which is not if you do not abuse medicaiton), I'd rather be addicted to a drug than have HPPD for the rest of my life. Now I will proceed to seek medication illegally because this medical system has failed me.
  16. Hi. I'm 57 years old and I've carried a deep secret most of my life. I see visual patterns everywhere. They are most prominent in anything with a fine grain. Tar, sand, carpets, curtains, textured ceilings ... you get the idea. I see patterns, shapes, designs, animals, faces, Aztec glyphs, etc. as if intentionally created by an artist. They're not static either. The slowly move, shift, and transform. If I'm looking at a wall I "know" it's a wall. I don't believe the hallucinations are actually visible to anyone else so I guess I'm sane. How did this happen? Just before my 14th birthday I entered High School. An older friend of mine asked me if I would like to try "acid". I had smoked cannabis with him before and he assured me it was similar. Well, acid in the early 70s was quite strong and it was a long day. From that day forward I had this issue with seeing visuals I described earlier. My earliest memory of this was after smoking some cannabis I saw the outline of a flower appear on the fabric covering a speaker. I kept taking hallucinogens until I was about 20 years old and then stopped taking drugs all together. However, the visuals never went away. I can look at a sidewalk and it looks like all the little sand grains were laid out in complex designs. It's as if "random" doesn't exist in my visual experience. I've learned to deal with it in my own way. I look at it as my ability to not just see the mundane. This disorder hasn't stifled my ability to solve complex problems, get a degree, raise a family, and work in a professional career. In a funny way it's like an old friend. I think I might miss it if it "cleared up". I was stunned to find out that there was a term for what I have. For years I figured I was borderline schizophrenic because I was seeing things. Hiding this disorder has caused great anxiety in my life because I knew it wasn't "normal" and I never knew if it would get worse. I'm hoping to find other people with symptoms like mine. I'd also like to give people hope because I've lived with this for over four decades and life is great.
  17. It may just be me getting used to hppd but i find my all cevs to be fading, i find my visual snow to even be less when my eyes are closed as opposed to when theyre opened. Its like im getting a taste of what its like pre trip. Itll be 4 months in 5 days. Unfortunately it seems that when my eyes are opened the static is constant.
  18. This is mainly to the newcomers like myself. For those of you just entering your days of hppd, take it from someone who also hasnt had it for very long, ive only had it for 3 months. The first month to months could very well be a hellish ride straight to satans throne. But one thing id tell you is to not lose hope, insert yourself into discussions with friends and on forums(not just about hppd but anything) take some recommended vitamins like vitamin d3 and b complex and magnesium, get a therapist you can talk to and stay active, all these things will help you get better. While my visual symptoms have not subsided, my physical symptoms on the other hand have. Ive always had social anxiety tho, so for the most part i would say i definitely feel like myself again. I attempted suicide in my first month and its now my third month and im so glad i never did. If theres three things of most importance i could tell you to do 1. Acceptance(accept this is your life as of right now, you cant dwell on the fact you MIGHT have this for the rest of your life because you also MIGHT NOT. My girlfriend told me i just need to take it one day at a time, we live day by day not month by month or day by month, you dont know if youll have this tomorrow or a month from now or a year, which leads to my second) 2. Never give up hope (Accepting that you have it in my opinion is a great step to recovery. But also being hopeful in the possibility of recovery is very important) Acceptance and being positive/hopeful are two great things to feel towards hppd. Its at that point imo you can feel true improvement and recovery. 3. CEASE ALL DRUGS. I cant stress that one enough, let your brain rest. Those in my opinion are the three best things to do when faced with hppd. Granted i may have it milder than a lot of hppders but i do want you guys to know i havent smoked or dosed since the onset, i drank maybe 3 or 4 times(avoid that too if you can) i also have a foot injury right now but most of my improvement came when i was going to the gym and running and sweating like a dog. Hppd isnt the end, but in a lot of ways its an eye opener.
  19. Here is the article that appeared as a book chapter. I am sharing it for the purpose of academic and general research for the benefit of the human condition. I do not want to give away the details that I will present, but I will be giving a critical analysis of it, which can have good and bad points. My video review will be part of the series of videos I will provide that will cost a nominal fee per viewing (for the first 6 months or so, and then it can be open to everyone.) However, it takes a lot of work to create, read, pay for the articles, student loans and put together the content so I have to stop feeling guilty for asking for money. This one is free, but as I discussed on the Facebook HPPD and DP/DR group, I will be returning to research and providing research reviews on my youtube channel, opportunities for individuals to learn research methods as a lay person or for work to design and receive funding for their own or co-designed research. If you have issues with the article, good, bad, in between you are encouraged to try and work through reading a research article and make notes either publicly or for yourself. I will go through it from a unique perspective. Even the general emotion it gives you. You get to be the judges. - David Kozin THE LINK IS BELOW: A copy will also be placed in the section for documents also. Current Topics in Behavioral Neurosciences pp 1-28 (2).pdf
  20. I hope people take the time to read this and believe what I am saying because everyone I talk to about this problem does not believe me. I am writing this now because I have had suicidal thoughts recently and need to make a change in my life. My suicidal thoughts are pretty bad. I plan on seeing a therapist this week. When I first started high school in 2008 (9 years ago) I smoked weed once. Just one time. My friends who smoked the same weed were stoners and they recovered the next day like 99% of people do. But I smoked a lot and I had HPPD for about 4 months. I had tingly feeling in my feet and panic attacks everyday. This is when I just started high school where I knew no one and I am a shy introvert. It was absolute hell. I felt alone and scared everyday. But I got through it!!!! And all the symptoms went away like I said in about 4 months. I felt 100% fine. So over a year later I am working out one day and I sit down and my HPPD symptoms came back. ALL of them !!!! But they quickly went away in a few hours. And since then every time I work out (lift weights especially) my HPPD symptoms come back. Please believe me when I say this!!! My mom does not believe me and no one else does. What the fuck is wrong with me. I smoked weed once and now every time I work out I feel HPPD all over again. I have not heard anyone else have this experience before and I have obviously done a lot of research into this. Okay so I lived with the fact that I cant work out for years. I just quit working out-whatever I felt 100% fine just kinda pissed that I could not do it. But this past December I was very upset over things in my life.(Could not get a good job, girl I like a lot has a boyfriend, feel like I have zero friends, lonely) I was so mad that I just started working out. I would wake up and work out and work out some more. I knew that HPPD could come back but I was so sad and wanted my depressed feelings to go away. So now My life is terrible. It is June now and I have not worked out like that for 6 months. But Since that time I have extremly bad visual symptoms of HPPD. They include: -afterimages (These are the worst, get them after looking at something for a second.) -trails, I can see trail when things are moving. For example, if I move my hand across my face. -anixiety, can feel my heart beating at times, feel like I have no personality, feel alone and depressed -tingily feeling in my feet (This feeling gets worse if I work out at all) I love to run but I cant now, makes it worse -floaters all the time, especially outside. -vision makes a huge adjustment from going to light to dark places I seriously can not even go on a 15 minute run right now? If I do , my feet become tingily. What the fuck is wrong with me? No one else with hppd from what I have read has this? I smoked weed once and now I can not work out for the rest of life? What the fuck? This has caused me to have a terrible relationship with GOD. Why would he put this on this earth for me to use? Why would he make me this way? I love working out and want to have a great body but I cant because I smoked weed one. I want a six pack. I am a motivated and focused person. How does this happen when I smoke weed once. I can understand if you take LSD a ton of times, maybe this would happen. One thing that i keep thinking about is the time before I smoked weed once (in 2008) I want to go back to that time and not smoke obviously. I think about that sometimes, makes me feel very regretful. How do i deserve this? I literally smoked weed one time and this is my life. These visual problems are ruining my life. I accepted a job that begins in January and I am considering turning it down now because the job will require me to work 60 hours a week staring at a computer. This a dream job at one of the best companies in the USA to work for. I worked my ass off in college (Magna Cum Laude, graduated in top 15% of my class, made dean or presidents list every semester) And now I get this dream offer and I am afraid to take it because of anxiety I have from HPPD? From smoking weed one fucking time? God What do you want from me? I feel so sad and upset all the time because I have this disorder. I feel so alone. I wish I had cancer instead of this, that would be a piece of cake to deal with compared to this. No one I know can fucking relate to how I feel. That is why I am thinking about suicide. I know that neither of my parents had this disorder or my sister. They have all done drugs and been fine. I must say though that depression runs in my family. My dad has tried to commit suicide multiple times and so have my cousin and uncle. I just found out this information recently. I have seen that fasting can have some affect on the disorder. I have been considering fasting for a couple weeks to see what it does but I have a full time job now, no way I can function without eating food for days on end. I dont know what to do?? Can someone please help me, Make me feel better? I DONT DESERVE THIS. I literally smoked weed one time. God I feel so alone. Will appreciate any feedback. I hope you guys can believe me. Want to make this absolutely clear: I have not done any other drugs besides smoking weed once. I dont even drink alcohol now, (not that it makes my hppd worse but it is just not my thing) I have not done acid or shrooms or anything like that. Nothing.
  21. hppd

    I have had HPPD for about four months now. I know it's not a very long time for how long it can last but, it's so awful living with this every day. The only way I'm personally able to describe it is that the air around me is suffocating, like a have no space in an empty room filled with breathing walls, visual snow, static or tiny patterns. Another thing I have is very bad depersonalization and it's the whole reason why my anxiety comes out like it does. Before I had HPPD I have only had an anxiety attack 3-4 times but now I get one almost every other day and it's so hard to manage hanging out with people in fear that I will start freaking out of no where and have to be alone. Usually when I am inside of an attack everything is so colorful and it looks like I'm on mixtures of drugs and it can last anywhere from a couple of seconds to an hour or 2. The only thing I like so far about this whole situation is that I've been able to find myself through art. I've found that if I'm feeling anxious I can just draw something and it will really help me forget. Everyone always tells me that they like the things I do and how they love that I found a unique style that belongs to me. I'm very happy that those people are supporting me even though I still wish I hadn't done the things I did to get this way. It all started when I did 3 psychedelics in over the corse of 8 days including: LSD, LSA and DXM. It took a while for my symptoms to come through but I can tell that all 3 of these drugs made a huge difference in my life because I feel the things I felt to this day when I was in all of those trips. I have been on a few medications so far to help the visuals and depersonalization. Including Prozac, Busbar, Abilify and Gabapentin. All of these drugs made things worse for me and I wish I never took any of them. Except for Gabapentin because I have a feeling it might work in a higher dosage. I have talked to my psychiatrist about HPPD and she had no clue what it was and didn't seem interested. She just jumped the gun on antipsychotics and labeled me as "psychotic" (because she's an asshole) I've done enough research to know that only in very small cases do antipsychotics help HPPD because it isn't the same thing as Psychosis at all. In my research ive found that Primarily benzos including Klonopin, Valium and Xanax work the best for depersonalization and visuals. And levetiracetam has been able to just help visuals. I really want to find a psychiatrist who understands instead of one who asks me if Acid and LSA are both LSD. I need someone who actually knows about drugs but my mother won't let me switch. Is there anyway that I can get her to understand or believe me and get me the medications I need without seeming like I'm pharma-shopping?
  22. Hello everyone, my name is Matt. I'm a student and I also work alot alongside school. I have experimented with a lot of drugs in the past and have developed considerably difficult anxiety and what I think could be HPPD. This has an effect on my life, work and school. I never had any problems with my drug usage until after I saw one of my best friend leap over a balcony during a mushroom trip. My visual symptoms are tracers, after-images, halos, also got tinnitus (although that was caused by a fireworks accident) but has been excacerbated by what I think is HPPD. My eyes are very sensitive to bright lights and I see bright flashes when staring at something bright, like the sky or my computer screen. I really want some answers because this is pretty frightening for me. I'm pretty much always anxious from day to day, and I was wondering if anxiety could make HPPD symptoms worse. I have researched a lot about these disorders but there isnt alot about HPPD anywhere. So I ask you, anxiety and HPPD = worse symptoms? Thanks in advance, any help is immensely appreciated!
  23. Hello All! My name is Victoria. For the last, about 2 years now, I have been experiencing persisting visual disturbances daily. These vision issues include staticy vision, trails, depth perception issues, light sensitivity, inability to focus. They used to calm down when I rested (I take almost daily naps because of this), but now it doesn't really seem to go away much. I have experimented with a lot of drugs. To be honest, in the past few years though, it has only really been MDMA. Lots of MDMA. I haven't really done much in a while though. One pill in February, and not really anything since last year. I hardly even smoke weed anymore. I feel like somehow the symptoms are getting worse and I am not doing anything anymore. I have been to an optometrist, optamologist, I am getting an MRI of my brain done to see if there is any scarring on my brain. I also now experience migraines. I had a substance abuse issue about 7 years ago and when I ended those days I recovered almost fully. A couple years after that, I would randomly dabble in stuff, but not that often and I never had these issues unless I was super anxious. Now this is a part of my life now. No one can tell me what's going on as everything about me shows perfectly healthy everywhere. I have tinted glasses that really help with the light sensitivity at work, but will this ever go away? Just to clarify, this didn't begin after a particular trip. I recognized these visual disturbances as something I would experience during high points of anxiety as a result of my previous drug use. About 2 years ago, is when it became a daily almost consistent thing throughout the day. Now it's basically present at all points in time. Just would love to hear from people that may be going through something similar.
  24. Hi everyone, i really dont know how to start and i hope you can excuse any mistakes in language as im from europe and i even have problems using my mother language at the moment due to my mental situation (If you want to skip the detailed story you can scroll down to my current symptoms, which basically began after one weekend of smoking too much weed where i had something like a panic attack while smoking alone.) Maybe i just start with a review of my past two months where my current state began and a little about me and my drug usage. Im 22 years old and started with drinking alcohol with 14 like all my other friends, sure i often drunk too much in the future but only at parties and never drunk alone or had the feeling that i need alcohol, pretty normal i guess. Last year (2016) i started smoking weed (just smoked one time before i was 21 and felt nothing so i had no demand doing it again). Due to new friends and an interest in weed because i found out my father smokes pretty often i started to smoke with friends occasionally and somehow i liked that feeling now. I would even say that after a few times i started to love that feeling. Alcohol was no more fun and i said to myself that its better to smoke sometimes and dont drink anymore except a beer or two sometimes (even my father said that to me). In fall last year i moved from my families house to my own place with a friend. That change in life was awesome i was so motivated, happy and loved the new freedom. Someday i bought my first own weed (maybe because it was possible now to do anything without the parents near) and i couldnt resist trying it out alone. It got more often and between november 2016 and march 2017 i smoked almost everyday i got time but i was still going to work everyday and university (sober). I think it still was a „normal“ amount and sometimes i didnt smoked for 2 weeks or so without a problem. In March a friend of mine died i didnt knew him very good because he lived in another town but somehow it bothered me a lot (dont know if this has something to do with my problem). Smoking weed after this incident was almost the same except that i felt a little tension in my chest and when i tried to sleep it took a while. Then there was the weekend whereupon everything started. On saturday march 25th two friends came over to have a nice evening and smoke some weed. I already worked the whole day and was awake since 5am but i didnt smoked for a week or two so i was excited. It was a great evening but after a while i was really tired and fell asleep for a few minutes when my friends were still there. I got some new weed and they left early like 11pm. I dont know why but instead of going back to bed i smoked another one alone. I felt again an odd tension in my chest and was a bit nervous but after a few hours i fell asleep. The following sunday my girlfriend had no time and i had new weed so the first thing in the morning was smoking again. I smoked three joints over the day i think and felt pretty normal (just normally stoned the whole day). Only in the evening the tension came again but harder this time and there were some „stitches“ in my chest. I was getting nervous but was able to calm down myself. Again it was harder to fall asleep this evening. It was like starting to dream while still awake and realizing it and wake up due to this feeling. The next morning i felt normal again i think and at midday i smoked another one with my flatmate because our internet was broken and we didnt know what to do. Suddenly i felt like being between stoned and sober and i just wanted to be fully sober. Everything felt a bit unreal like a dream somehow and the fact that our internet was not working was strange in my eyes and made me ask myself „is this really happening?“. But i managed to keep calm and said too myself that everything is normal that im just stoned and that i will be sober after a few hours. At the evening the internet suddenly worked again and i felt good again as far as i can remember. But instead of asking myself why i felt so strange and why i had this chest tension and stitches the last days i smoked another joint at this evening. Afterwards i was with a friend on skype playing a videogame when i suddenly had the feeling of getting a heart attack or something i had to lay down and was very anxious (i think this was my first little panic attack). The feeling came like in waves but i was able to calm down myself. It was a strange feeling i felt like not getting enough oxygen in my lungs, couldnt sit still and i just wanted to go outside. I took a walk but back home i didnt felt better. The „getting a heart attack“ feeling came multiple times again. Later it got better somehow and i was able too sleep (its hard to remember details since my memory is one of the main problems now). After this evening everything began and before you ask i never smoked or drank again after this evening (2 months now). The next day i said to my girlfriend that i feel strange somehow but not bad it was a strange feeling in my stomach like being a little sick and nervous. But the day was okay i even was in the city buying some led strips for decoration but when turning them on i realized that it make me feel very sick when the lights were flashing fast. I also got that same sick feeling in my stomach when i tried to focus small text. I thought that this weekend was just too much and its like a small withdrawal. The next they i went to university and in the train i was getting a bit nervous and was glad when i got off but otherwise everything seemed good i could concentrate just like normal. The only thing i noticed was that at midday a had to yawn like every 5 seconds for about an hour and felt a bit light sensitive (but it was one of the first sunny days so i thought my eyes just have to adapt to the new light condition). Back at home i started to feel strange and very nervous again, my heart started to beat very hard and fast and i thought again that i dont get enough oxygen. I went to the hospital because i couldnt calm down. I was so nervous that i was a bit confused, they checked my heart and blood values but everything was fine. After a while i got calm and was glad about the results. I left the hospital and felt pretty okay but was scared to stay alone. The days after i started to feel dizzy and extremely anxious and thought that something really is wrong with me i cried the next days very often for no real reason i felt hopeless and empty (hard to describe that emptiness). I went to my father because i couldnt be alone. At this time i knew something is different and everything felt strange and unreal like a nightmare but i couldnt really describe it and had no idea what was going on. After one week since all started i couldnt focus my eyes on anything for longer than a second and felt like seeing everything with 10 fps also every flickering light made me nervous and feel sick. This got better after a few days but i realized a lot new symptoms which stayed since then. So here is a list of what i noticed after the first strong fear was gone: Visual problems trails but by now only in dawn light condition every light and reflection blinds me and glares, even car, bike or traffic lights at daytime long afterimages of everything, positive and negative lots of grey and normal floaters in every light condition starbursting if the environment is dark around the light sources, gets worse if the light is far away ghosting, especially if its dark and there is white text on dark background everything seems a bit oversaturated at daytime very little static my eyes seem flickering and unsettled the whole time looking at a display is hard feels like looking through a slot or that something semi transparent is diagonal about half the display difficulty to focus my eyes on something for a time longer than a few seconds the feeling that my eyes are to slow if scrolling a website or something sometimes one of my pupils is almost double the size of the other one Other problems tinnitus (had tinnitus on one ear before but now worse and on both ears) constant tension in my whole body sometimes my muscles hurt even without doing sports at the beginning it was very hard to eat constant dizziness not strong but its there everything and everyone seems foreign, especially when looking in someones eyes i feel anxious and sick (maybe dp/dr dont know) cant really sleep, it feels like i instantly start to dream when i close my eyes but never get deep sleep, i wake up every 2 hours and sometimes i cant fall asleep again i feel dumb and cant concentrate at all (brain fog?) it feels like i cant think at all if i want or have to my brain just "does nothing" im really depressed i could cry every second but only because of the thought "you ruined your life, you had everything" no feelings except the one above, i feel like a robot and act the right way only because i know how to but i dont feel it (is this dp?) everything feels like a nightmare sometimes i think im still in my bed and its still march and i hope to wake up, i know this is stupid but im somehow not sure if its not true no sense of time at all, if something happend a second ago and i think about it it feels like it happend years before, i dont have feelings connected to the memories, and they all seem to be far away (anyone know this feeling?) my own thoughts "scare me" and feel also kind of far away, even if i plan to take a shower it feels strange in my head somehow old memories are suddenly in my head even if they happened 15 years ago, they are as clear as things which happened minutes ago, also if i look at something i instantly get a memory in my head which my brain seems to associate with what im seeing (i think this is one of the reasons why i feel like im in a dream and im not in here and now) i see faces and eyes everywhere even without looking for them like my brain searches for them without my control, i see them in trees, walls etc. i can say "its just a tree" and i dont see real faces or eyes but i cant see objects just like they are without my brain starting its rollercoaster drive of thoughts and associations (pareidolia i think but its extreme) i feel like the most important filter in my brain is messed up, in the city i see every reflection, movement etc. also sounds seem louder than before and i cant ignore them (i even hear sounds i didnt heard before, they are real but i think they were filtered out before, maybe hyperacusis) sometimes i think about suicide or behaving strangely and because everything feels unreal and like a dream im scared i will do it, i feel disinhibited somehow i feel like i have forgotten how to think, all i do is associate old memories and compare all the time how things were before 2 months Last week (i think) i found out about HPPD and found many of my symptoms which werent explainable with other disorders, especially those visual problems. I would love to hear some opinions about my symptoms and if they are typically for the HPPD related things like dr/dp, anxiety etc. friends say that i behave just normal only a bit sad and not as happy as before. This is what gives me a little hope because sometimes i thought i become insane. Tanks for reading.
  25. Hello Everyone. In an attempt to get a rough unofficial census as to how many of us there are, I have created a link on the NNRF website that will take the user to a map that serves as a census for HPPD. As stated it is not official but the map servers a variety of functions. 1. It allows us to communicate with one another. 2. It displays our general locations and that of specialists who deal with HPPD. 3. It performs a census (however unofficial) of how many people suffer from this condition 4. The census might serve as a means to get more researchers interested in HPPD To view the map and please do, you may click here: http://www.neurogroup.org/map/hallucinogen-persisting-perception-disorder-worldwide-map/ The more of us that appear, the greater the odds that we may get some much needed attention paid to this disorder. All the best Hope1 *Admin Please Pin and if possible send a mass email blast to all registered users on this site.