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Age 23 Date got HPPD 03/29/2013 Medication's: Klonopin .5 X2, Depakote 250mg X2, Keppra 250mg X2, Supplements: Melatonin 3mg w/B6 2mg X2, St. Johns Wort, Ginkgo Biloba, Multi-Vitamin, Omega 3 Symptoms Shutter Vision Static Vision/Visual Snow Tracers and After Images Dark Frame Surrounding Peripherals/ Tunnle vision Depersonalization/Derealization/ Numbness Massive Depression / Depressed and Insane Thoughts General Anxiety/Social Anxiety / Impending Doom feeling attention/focus difficulties Loss of libido Lack of Self Meaning/Unmotivated Lacking Cognitive Function/Confusion Severe Loss of Sort Term Memory Complete lack of ego Extreme Paranoia(People are out to get me every time someone tells a story I think its pertaining to me, when people laugh I think there all laughing at me) Everything looks clear/sharper (textures look really detailed) Sensory overload First off I want to apologize for any grammatical errors. I'm pretty sure I had mild Asperger's syndrome before I got hppd at least that's what a psychologist mentioned to me a few years ago but never had an official diagnosis. But regardless I was never fluent in reading and writing but excelled in math and science. I first noticed the visual snow after I went on a intense whip-it and molly binger one night I split a case of about 400 whip-its with a lady friend of mine i was loading my cracker with 5 at a time and after every hit I would take I would breath it into a large balloon then after the cracker was empty i would start inhaling/exhaling what was left in the balloon until I got to the point where I completely lost control over what my body was doing and I was so far dissociated I didn’t realize it. After id come too I noticed that there was a small/light vail of static over everything I looked at but it wasn’t that bad and I didn’t care that much at the time because I thought it would fade away in a few hours or days. And it did for the most part. But when I “REALLY” got hppd from staying up all night on about a gram of mdma and then when I started coming down I took 2c-I around 8am to hopefully keep it going and at first it was awesome for the first time in my life actually seen open eyed hallucinations like I saw thing that whernt actually there and I felt like I was rolling. It really was one of the most incredible experiences of my life but after about 4 or 5 hours it turned into a horribly bad trip I felt anxious and depressed and insane and this is when I felt the depersonalization for the first time and it hasn’t went away sense then. I noticed that everything looked a lot clearer and sharper and that everything has like a lot of static of visual snow over it. After a couple days of not sleeping I ended up getting a taking a antianxiety pill and got a several hours of much need sleep but when I woke up I noticed that I still had persisting images, visual snow, tracers, and most of my symptoms. I never feel completely calm. Now everything looks completely different sounds different I can’t feel anything physically. Every time I look at a bright light and look away I see the after image of the light for a few seconds. Or if I look at something and look away really fast the previous thing that I looked at is still there like an after image. And im not to entirely sure but I feel like a piece of my brain isn’t functioning anymore but I can’t seem to notice it. After the initial shock of hppd I kinda calmed down and living with my friends I found it hard to stay away from drugs. I just thought I should stay away from hallucinogens and so I did but I continued to use other drugs and found myself slightly addicted to smoking 4-fa and sometimes doing apvp(bath salts). And continued to do molly and whip-its. It wasn’t so bad having hppd at this point even though it completely scared me Id still do drugs without any noticeable change to my hppd symptoms. However I did end up getting really depressed over so girl problems I was going through at the time and the depression got so bad I just wanted to kill myself so I attempted to do so with a massive dose of a sleeping pill containing (diphenhydramine) little did I know it was an ssri and made you trip out in large dose’s and it considerably hard to actually OD on. And im pretty sure this actually made my hppd way worse. I finally came to the conclusion that I need to stop doing all drugs in general and get a grasp on my life. So I completely quit all drugs in general and moved to Williston North Dakota and landed a well-paying job I just assumed at the time that my symptoms would subside over time and I could just reintegrate back into society normally. But quit the opposite happened I actually was extremely nervous around everyone I meet at my new job. I didn’t talk to anyone about anything unless they asked me a question or told me to do something. I could tell that people defiantly new something was wrong with me. My shift was 12 hours a day everyday for 6 weeks I also lived where I worked and my phone ended up breaking so I literally talked to no one at all I would just spend all of my spare time in my room and the other time I spent working and trying my hardest to avoid any social contact with anyone I could. I was stuck there for 6 weeks and for some reason every minute felt like an hour time moved so slowly. And all I could think about was that I need to get through this and get back home and everything will be better being around my friends and people I could actually talk to. Toward the last 2 weeks I was the I acctuly started seeing a psychologist who of course never herd of hppd before in her life and just thought I had drug induced schizophrenia and prescribed me olanzapine an antipsychotic. I tried one that same night and it was so horrible made me feel a hundred times worse and like I was having a really bad trip. She later prescribed me with a anti-depressant Lexapro which made me feel really happy for like an hour or two then really shitty for the rest of the day. I eventually got fired from where I was working because of my worsening symptom and came back home. Now I barley talk to people. Ill hardly look people in the eye’s when people try and talk to me ill be quite the entire time then try and end the conversation and leave. Now I usually just try and avoid people because its always awkward. Most days I spend without talking to a single person. Then most days I’ll get really nervous and no matter what I do I cant seem to calm down and my inner voice just keeps telling me that im worthless, that my whole life is a joke and that im not good enough. Out of a 24 hour day I leave my room for about a half hour and its only to eat and shower. Iv been seeing this psychologist back here at home and when I originally asked for keppra she got really tense and hissed a little like as if I insulted her beliefs or something. And instead she put me on Depakote 250mgs 3 times a day and Klonpine .5mgs twice a day to treat my mood and hopefully my visuals. Depakote did nothing for my visuals but did help my mood some I noticed that I was slightly less depressed but not necessarily happy at all. Plus I noticed taking Depakote 3 times a day gave me a sever headache so I lowered it to twice a day. When I saw here again to weeks later I told her that my mood was a little elevated but no change in my visual symptoms. She proceeded to tell me she had done some research herself and I presented her with the case study on keppra. And she agreed that it was the best liable treatment from my condition. So now I take 250mgs of both keppra and Depakote in the morning and right before bed. Results well I’m still very nervous around any person even close friends of mine. However keppra a reduced my visual symptoms a lot I still notice visual snow but its about %70 less, after images have significantly reduced, trails and tracers are about %90 reduced, my depersonalization, de-realization, and numbness is down like %70. My anxiety is down like %40 I feel like I can think better with less brain fog and confusion. And its only been 4 days now im excited to see how ill be after 3 months. However there is a down side to keppra when I was taking Depakote and klonpine I bailer noticed any side effects at all. But with the addition on keppra I fell heavily sedated almost like a drunk zombie. I feel like im shit faced without the head change sometime ill stumble or bump into walls. I fell a little dizzy as well. I do fell a little more agitated but nothing like the infamous “Keppra Rage” iv been hearing about. Iv also been taking gingko for memory and St Johns Wort because its an mild ssri and I haven’t noticed any sever changes in symptoms I’m just really desperate to get rid of this intense depression. I feel like I don’t have any emotions at all anymore like I can’t feel happiness or anger or anything anymore only a really low baseline sadness…. And I’m hoping that just maybe it’ll help my increases my mood. Is it normal for people with hppd to feel so insane it repeats all though out the day in my head? All I think about is “I’m insane, no im normal, nope I’m defiantly crazy, no its just the hppd I’m fine it’ll get better.” I also notice for a very brief period in the morning when I every first wake up calmly is that I feel completely normal I can feel the bed sheets brushing against my legs. I run my hand through my hair and it almost tickles because I can feel my hair move. Then after about five minutes my body pretty much goes numb and my symptoms slowly fade in. Any advice form anyone would be great I defiantly want to stay positive and get through this and get on with my life. Because my psychologist isn’t sure I can qualify for disability because I can still function and communicate but when I’m around people I freak out or end up getting fired from jobs. So financially I’m in a bind which doesn’t help my depression.