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Everything posted by TheMythos

  1. Zyprexa.
  2. This is the one that replaced my old pdoc who really worked with me on HPPD and took it seriously. I'm going to show her articles. I couldn't find the keppra one but I found the sinemet one, one where they used lamictal (which I've already tried), and a couple of others just to show her it's a real disorder. I'm going to tell her that these are my next options: *Upping the depakote to see if that does anything * Keppra * Sinemet And will report back with whatever I get and its efficacy.
  3. Don't do it man. This morning I was in the planning stages of ending my life. You don't want to go down the road of what this could do to you. It's just not worth it.
  4. Just echoing everyone else...definitely abstain.
  5. I don't know about destroyed. Downregulated maybe but I don't think you're going to see actual receptor destruction unless you're doing heavy amounts of MDMA and that's serotonergic receptors. Even hardcore coke and meth addicts "recover" after 4 or 5 years sober.
  6. I'm going to ask for sinemet tomorrow when I see my psychiatrist.
  7. "Professor Anil Seth, co-director of the Sackler Centre for Consciousness Science at Sussex University, said: “This finding shows that the brain-on-psychedelics behaves very differently from normal. “During the psychedelic state, the electrical activity of the brain is less predictable and less ‘integrated’ than during normal conscious wakefulness – as measured by ‘global signal diversity’. “Since this measure has already shown its value as a measure of ‘conscious level’, we can say that the psychedelic state appears as a higher ‘level’ of consciousness than normal – but only with respect to this specific mathematical measure.”" What do you guys think? I think it lends credence to the electrical activity theory. Maybe we altered the magnetic fields produced by our brains?
  8. Alright so here's my story: I first noticed the symptoms of HPPD after a mushroom trip in 2009. Nothing too bad, just some black static on stuff, visual snow, lines would move, grass and walls would breathe slightly, etc. This stuff kind of dissipated over time and would come back once in a while when I was really stressed or had too much coffee or lack of sleep. No big deal. I kept doing drugs, even psychedelics, for the next couple of years. Acid in 2010. Some RC in 2012. Weed almost daily. Everything changed November 7, 2015. I had a panic attack while I was driving with a friend. I've never experienced anything like it, and the sensations of what I was experiencing sent my mind into a state of extreme hypochondria. I thought I was dying. They rushed me to the hospital and checked my heart because I thought I was having a heart attack, everything ended up being fine so they gave me a 10mg Valium and sent me on my way. The panic didn't go away. It was all day, every day. It was relentless, and all this horrible stuff about dying was going through my mind. I thought death was imminent, that I was going to have a heart attack or stroke any minute. I guess I got into a state of hypervigilance. About a month later is when everything got way worse and what I've been experiencing every single day non-stop for about a year and a half. A month after the initial attack, in early December, I started to notice that I was seeing only what I can describe as closed-eye visuals with my eyes open. The perceptions in my head and mental state started to change. Anything I could think of I could see in very vivid detail, and thoughts and images were flooding into my mind on auto-piilot and non-stop. It was like I was tripping on a half-tab of acid 24/7 but it was all mental. Like I said, I've had HPPD since 2009 but have never experienced anything like this before December 2015 - like a mental picture show in my head that just wouldn't stop. I see clouds, birds, lights, and colors - anything that the mind can imagine, anything I can think of I see, with my eyes open, but in my mind. All the time. I feel like I'm between two realities, like there's another world inside my head all the time and I'm switching between them. There's a "space" in my mind's eye where all these images originate from, and it's this "space" that I think is the core of the problem. I haven't done drugs about a week before the panic attack, and don't plan on doing them ever again. Anyway, I couldn't sleep, became agoraphobic, and driving became impossible. Riding in the car was a nightmare and would send me into panic mode. The extreme anxiety/panic/hypervigilance lasted about 4 months straight and I slowly started driving with my dad in the car, and was able to start driving close to home around town on my own. I can now make it into the outskirts of the city but there's a certain distance I can get to and I can feel the panic start to envelope me. I started failing my classes and failed an entire semester because I just couldn't do it mentally anymore. The images and weird thought processes have not stopped for almost a year and a half straight. At first I thought I was going insane. I thought I was in the early stages of schizophrenia and I was about to have a massive psychotic breakdown. But I kept telling myself that I'm too logical and coherent for that. I had several tests ran over the course of a couple of months and even got an mRI done, but there was nothing substantial. I don't see things externally and don't hear things, no external hallucinations, I just see shit in my head. I feel like I fucked up my mind and my brain. I've been to about 5 different therapists and have been on about 12 different medications in this timespan ranging from Abilify to Depakote to SSRIs. Nothing has really abated the symptoms and the withdrawal from all these drugs left me in a worse state. My life is very stressful right now. I'm on disability and have maybe one friend I can hangout with in real life. No girlfriend. Live at home with my parents. Money's always an issue. I've contemplated suicide every day for the past year and a half. One thing gives me hope - a friend I met on an HPPD Facebook group who said he went through the same thing and said that what I'm experiencing is all DP/DR and hypervigilance. He said his lasted about a year and a half and then he made himself go out and do things and it started going away. Also, in January of this year, I had a really good month where the images/weird perceptions were down 0.1% (I measure their intensity on a percentage scale). It was a really good month. That gives me hope. But the past couple of months have been non-stop. There was even a period of about 3 months where I developed some kind of weird synesthesia where whenever I touched or saw metal like a fork or tin foil, I would feel it throughout my whole body and in my consciousness like my body was made of metal. That went away. If that can go away, can the images and the space in my head? I feel like every day is just a struggle to survive and all I want are my mind and life back. Can the intensity of all this go down, to where it's manageable or not even noticeable? I'm prescribed klonopin and it helps sometimes but I don't want to get addicted to it. If any of you have advice I'm all ears. Thank you for listening to my story. Please tell me that there's some ray of hope out there and I haven't completely fucked up my brain.
  9. I have pretty severe OCD and was wondering if inositol would make hppd worse? Thinking of trying it for my obsessive and intrusive thoughts as I've read it's a good supplement for that but that it could be working on serotonin?
  10. You're right. The root of all this is fear and anxiety. I've made incredible progress in the past couple of months because I finally came to the realisation that the images couldn't hurt me. I no longer have panic but the anxiety still lingers.
  11. Social interaction makes me feel a lot better. That's one thing I've noticed.
  12. Thanks. I know you guys don't really have any answers beyond the ones you've given me. Just my OCD reassurance seeking. Some part of me says its not just HPPD, but I know that's all just anxiety and hypochondria.
  13. So I've said before that my visual symptoms don't really bother me. I woke up with an aura this morning and had a massive migraine in the middle of my head. Laid in bed for 3 hours waiting it out. I got up and all of my visuals were 10x worse than usual. Grain everywhere lines and objects moving shit moving in my visual field. I took half a mg of Klonopin and it's abated somewhat. Just find it interesting how a migraine could play such a huge role in increasing symptoms.
  14. I wonder about choline because my gp had given me hydroxyzine which is an anticholinergic after the panic started. I was taking it every day for about a month then the mental hallucinations started.
  16. I think you should have full diagnostic testing done by a trained psychologist. I'm not going to diagnose you but you obviously have symptoms of an anxiety disorder with obsessive thinking and probably some depression. Like Jay said those can all be targeted with CBT. Also look into Mindfulness Based CBT for obsessive and ruminative thoughts.
  17. I found this article very interesting. While I'm not seeing overt external hallucinations like this woman I am experiencing something that resembles daytime parahypnagogia, although it all seems mental. There's a part of me that knows this is all bullshit, but a part of me that can't control it. I'm pretty sure it was brought on by extreme stress, panic, and sleep deprivation in late 2015 but I'm not sure how to reverse it. K.B., doc, any ideas?
  18. Mine are usually blind spots in the vision but I've seen those zig zag patterns too. Even after the headache's worn off I feel like shit all day and have a burning sensation in my head.
  19. How can I become a test subject?
  20. Now that more research is coming out that shows psychedelics alter the electrical activity in the brain, could TMS and tDCS be potential treatments for HPPD? They do TMS here at the University of Louisville and I've already made an inquiry about getting the procedure done. It's only been researched for depression and anxiety (and I think maybe ADHD) so far so I'm not sure what doctor would be willing to try it for HPPD. The side effects are minimal and there are no long term side effects from what I understand.
  21. "But right now, scientists think that the effects that the 5-HT2A receptor has on glutamate signaling are the ones responsible for the sense of dissociation, the sensory distortion, and possibly those weird wavy lines." It's strange that APs that block 5ht2a don't work well for HPPD and dissociation.
  22. Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve.
  23. Ok so this morning after I woke up I had a strange episode that felt "neurological". I was still laying in bed for a minute after I woke up and started noticing this ball of light in my consciousness, but this was different from some of the stuff I ordinarily see. It's like I could feel it in my head. I started feeling really weird and off and started to go numb in the middle of my head and couldn't feel my face or different parts of my body. I immediately thought it was a stroke but know my history with hypochondria and I've experienced similar things in the past so I just rode it out without panicking or freaking out. What does this sound like to you guys? Could it be seizure related? I've been feeling off all morning ever since.