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Murtra last won the day on April 7

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About Murtra

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  1. Got hallucinations again. Similar trigger to the previous one - listening to music and moving. Saw lots of glittery orbs everywhere except the point on which my eyes were focusing. They disappeared after few seconds and I'm back to normal. Still I'm seeing objects in intensified hues and see visual snow, but often forget about them and function semi-normally. Is this how HPPD should work like? I'm a bit scared that it could be a different mental disorder, maybe that fear is groundless though.
  2. I don't think I have any regrets. Each thing I did was the best decision at that time (and that applies to everyone, no reason to blame yourself), even if now I see negative consequences of many of them.
  3. Hey. I'm afraid I can't tell if you have HPPD or not, as I'm not even sure about mine. I think though that I can say something about the spiritual part of your perception. Usually psychedelics show you what you already knew and wanted, altough they could make you understand these things much more deeply. The point is that's not really the objective truth, and we are still barely evolved apes, homo sapiens, just with an intoxicated brain. Even if psychedelics show us some things in a way that could be very close to the way they really are, all we find are still only our own thoughts, which are just models, attempts to describe something that we perceived through an enormous amount of distortions. There is no magical way in which we could connect to the divine, all we can do is get some taste of it, or rather taste of a mental construct we think of as the divine. Approaching it without caution might result in many bad things, just look at the history - it's full of many honest people that turned off their critical thinking at some point. What I'm saying is that although psychedelics are an amazing tool at deeping our understanding of ourselves and the universe (which might be actually the same thing, depends on your perception), they are just that - a tool. They aren't (sadly) a magical key to the objective truth, God, Brahman, Tao, however you call it. All we can do is expanding our knowledge, experiencing as much as possible, thinking critically, keeping open mind, confronting our views with others, and repeating the whole process. Still, none of us will be 100% right at the end anyway, but luckily that's probably not what life is about. Good luck on your journey!
  4. Yeah, full abstinence seems as the most reasonable option. Didn't touched anything except green tea since that event happened (and I'm thinking about cutting this one too). It's just that I imagine future me, let's say 40 years older, with all the symptoms gone (maybe), and still abstaining from fear of getting HPPD back. Maybe I'll be able to get away with soft stuff like alcohol or marijuana then, dunno. Probably I shouldn't worry about that now. Anyway, I often forget that I'm not feeling normal, and it looks like I can function almost normally. Good for me that I always tried to focus on enjoying that "normal" feeling, and never did drugs often enough to rely on them, so it's not that hard to remain sober. I wonder if I can worsen my symptoms by meditation and inducing OBEs with music. Although I meditated a lot since HPPD arrival, sometimes I get extremely trippy experiences (feeling my body melt, float and expand, or feeling someone's presence), not sure how experiencing one would impact my mental health right now, and I didn't found anything about the second subject.
  5. Hey. A month ago I had an experience that left behind something that might be HPPD. Done some different drugs throughout 2-3 years, mostly 1P-LSD. 2 months before I tripped on 1P-LSD, month before on ecstasy, and 2 weeks before smoked weed. I was in my room, dancing to some trippy music, while feeling a bit on the edge emotionally. Suddenly I started to see something resembling silver snow falling in front of me, and a point of light running on the walls. These hallucinations lasted for few minutes, after that I saw patterns on everything resembling those on high doses on acid, and after maybe 30 minutes only more intense color hues and minor "visual snow" remained. It didn't changed much since then. I wonder if that's 100% HPPD. I feel a bit anxious all the time, my emotions feel stronger, I often feel tired despite sleep, have headeaches, I feel dazed/confused all the time, and I have trouble with maintaining focus. Lately I got diagnosed with a pretty big cyst in one of my sinuses that I'll have removed in the next few months, and I suffer from Gilbert's Syndrome. Blood tests are almost perfect, and I don't suffer from any mental disorders. Lately I'm under strong pressure (learning for exams and looking for a job), and stress might be making everything worse. I wonder if I can hope that this cyst might be main source of this condition and that removing it and stabilising my life might cure it, or I just should accept that it won't go away and learn to live with it. Also perspective of complete abstinence from psychedelics feels wrong, as I have learned a lot from them (LSD helped me make difficult decisions and evolved my atheist worldview into something resembling Alan Watt's ideas), and never tried possibly further lifechanging substances like DMT, mescaline and mushrooms. Anyway, I'm 20 years old guy from Eastern Europe, nice to meet you.