• Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by MadDoc

  1. The only supplement I take is CBD oil because it helps me get a good night's sleep. That might be counterintuitive because I can't touch THC. Some days my hppd is distracting while other days I hardly notice it at all. My more "visual" days seem to follow a poor night's sleep. I think KB's suggestion of starting with tiny amounts of any supplement is a really good idea. Everyone is different and you never can tell how it might effect you. Supplements can also take a while to start working so you may have to give it some time. I'm probably not saying you don't already know. I'm going to read up on LMM. Thanks for the info!
  2. Hi and welcome. I'm new to this forum as well. I don't know much about ssri medications so I'm not much help there. However. My hppd symptoms are very similar to what I experienced while on hallucinogenic drugs but not as extreme. I'm curious if your symptoms are similar to what you've felt while taking ssri medications. The brain governs the way we experience reality and there are a lot of chemicals that alter that experience. Do the symptoms linger after you stop taking the ssri meds? Note. I'm not suggesting you discontinue any medication without consulting with your doctor. I'm no doctor that's for sure!
  3. What does lion's main mushroom do? Does it help with anxiety? Some herbals can be very powerful and I can see how they might not always react well. Someone recommend I try kratom for anxiety. They swore it worked great. It turned me into a jittering mess.
  4. I should add that I too see things that are other things. About a month ago I was looking at the arm of a chair and there was a wasp sitting there flitting it's wings. After a couple of seconds I realized that it was only a thread that the cat had pulled out of the arm of the chair. It had twisted around into the rough shape of a wasp but I *saw* a living wasp. If you're seeing twigs that look like worms ... then that's what I'm experiencing. I've gotten used to it and even find it kind of amusing.
  5. Hi Lizord, and welcome. I'm new here too. Two of the symptoms you described are something I've experienced. When I was younger I would see little bright purple dots appear and then vanish. Second, I had real reading issues. Shapes would form between the words that were very distracting. The visual dots went away entirely and the reading issue is still an issue to some extent but I've learned to compensate. Other than having hppd for a long time I'm no expert on the subject but I'd say those symptoms are indicative of hppd. I agree with K.B., sobriety and a healthy lifestyle is good medicine. I continued to use psychedelics for years after I had my first symptoms and now I'm stuck with it.
  6. Point of no return? I don't know. I just see life moving forward. While my hppd has never "cleared up" I feel healthy and happy. Basically it's now just part of who I am and I can't remember what it's like to not have visuals. For me, it's never going away but life is wonderful and each day is a gift. If the thunder don't get ya then the lightning wil. Robert Hunter
  7. I've had insomnia for years. One thing that worked very well is CBD oil. It's a non-psychoactive cannabinoid usually extracted from hemp. I take it about an hour before bed and without fail, I fall asleep, sleep through the night, and wake up refreshed. Very gentle stuff.
  8. Hi gschppd. My primary symptom is that I see patterns on just about everything if I stare at it for more that a few seconds. Especially surfaces with a fine grain. Sand, concrete, grass, curtains, carpets, etc. I start seeing shapes that slowly morph into faces, animals, strange symbols, or just some things that are just bizarre. They're not invasive. If I look away they disappear. When I look back they start to reform but they're never the same twice. They're not three dimensional and they don't speak to me or anything. They're just "there". I don't get visual snow, after images, trails, or warping. Instead, It's like everything has this strange "motif" of its surface. I've had this since I was 14. I'm 57 now so, for me, it's never going away I suspect. That being said it's not nearly as bad as it used to be and in reality it doesn't bother me much anymore. I've had it for so long that it's just part of me. I used to have terrible anxiety but that too has significantly moderated with age. I can't say what may happen with your condition. I'm not an expert in any way shape or form and I'm no doctor. I hope your appointment with the therapist goes well. Hang in there.
  9. Jay, one thing you mentioned is how you appear to be very laid back to others. I'm the same way but there's something I struggle with constantly that's part of my hppd (I think). It's a little difficult to describe. Each of us has a persona. We act in a certain way around others and we may act one way around our friends and another way around someone else. I think Ken Kesey referred to this as "social armor". Psychedelics strip away your social armor and you can (or you think you can) *see* into other people and I used to think I could see this social armor. What happens to me now is the little nuances of each person's persona is exaggerated. People often seem like stereotypical used car salesman. Little behaviors that are normally common social behaviors seem so over the top that I have difficulty communicating sometimes. Instead I just act calm and I don't say much. I smile a lot.
  10. Hi. I'm 57 years old and I've carried a deep secret most of my life. I see visual patterns everywhere. They are most prominent in anything with a fine grain. Tar, sand, carpets, curtains, textured ceilings ... you get the idea. I see patterns, shapes, designs, animals, faces, Aztec glyphs, etc. as if intentionally created by an artist. They're not static either. The slowly move, shift, and transform. If I'm looking at a wall I "know" it's a wall. I don't believe the hallucinations are actually visible to anyone else so I guess I'm sane. How did this happen? Just before my 14th birthday I entered High School. An older friend of mine asked me if I would like to try "acid". I had smoked cannabis with him before and he assured me it was similar. Well, acid in the early 70s was quite strong and it was a long day. From that day forward I had this issue with seeing visuals I described earlier. My earliest memory of this was after smoking some cannabis I saw the outline of a flower appear on the fabric covering a speaker. I kept taking hallucinogens until I was about 20 years old and then stopped taking drugs all together. However, the visuals never went away. I can look at a sidewalk and it looks like all the little sand grains were laid out in complex designs. It's as if "random" doesn't exist in my visual experience. I've learned to deal with it in my own way. I look at it as my ability to not just see the mundane. This disorder hasn't stifled my ability to solve complex problems, get a degree, raise a family, and work in a professional career. In a funny way it's like an old friend. I think I might miss it if it "cleared up". I was stunned to find out that there was a term for what I have. For years I figured I was borderline schizophrenic because I was seeing things. Hiding this disorder has caused great anxiety in my life because I knew it wasn't "normal" and I never knew if it would get worse. I'm hoping to find other people with symptoms like mine. I'd also like to give people hope because I've lived with this for over four decades and life is great.
  11. What I forgot to say is if people in the 60s had a very very pure substance then 2000 mics would be conceivable. 1000 of the stuff I had in the early 70s would have been unthinkable. 1000 of the "university" batch that came later was very "doable". I'm wondering if the doses I had in high school were really impure or adulterated with something nasty. A lot of them had some sort of speed "included". That was the stuff that started my hppd. The clean "material" I got later didn't seem to make hppd any worse. It was different.
  12. RE: Documentary Jay, I don't think LSD use was spread out more. It was rampant! In my high school it was everywhere and seeing someone "lose it" wasn't uncommon. The teachers were actually trained in how to deal with someone who was dosed. I also went to a high school that had an "open campus" so if things got bad you could just leave. Foolish idea to give a 14 year old kid that kind of freedom IMHO. From a totally unscientific standpoint I'm guessing that the doses in 73-74 were in the 200 mics range. At one point there was window pane where the hits were around the 500 range (at least). It wasn't until I first got to college that I was introduced to the "real" thing. It was manufactured at a local prestigious university and it was so clean that taking big doses wasn't too tough to take. I used to take does up to 1000 mics (not bragging, I wish I hadn't!!!!). I used to *love* dosing and I don't think I ever had a bad trip. However, I started to realize how badly it had rattled my head. That's when I stopped.
  13. Hello and welcome. I'm new to this site as well. I know that cocaine and stong cannabis can cause anxiety even after succession of use. However, hppd can do the same thing but there are a host of symptoms that can go along with it. I'm no doctor so I can't make any diagnosis. What I can suggest is staying sober for some time to see what happens to the symptoms. Please understand I'm not suggesting that you discontinue prescribed medication because your doctor is qualified to make that decision and I'm not. I've never brought up hppd with my doctor (well, once) because I didn't even know it had a name until very recently. However, at my next physical I'm going to bring print out describing hppd and bring it along.
  14. Jay, thank you for your kind welcome. I tried joining last autumn but couldn't register. I'm so glad I tried again and here I am. Yes, I think "unlucky title" is well put. This isn't something I'd wish on anyone and it has been a long haul. One thing I'm finding is age doesn't equate to wisdom. I just have more miles on me. I've stayed in touch with many of my friends from high school and none of them admit to having symptoms of hppd though some do get a glassy eyed stare from time to time so I wonder. The older users who were around in the early 70s used to talk about how psychedelics put them on a different "vibe" and I suspect it had something to do with residual effects. Hard to say. The term "acid burnout" was quite common but i dont remember people talking about specific symptoms. There were quite a few of people I knew who committed suicide quite young and now I wonder if they were suffering from hppd. I guess I'll never know. To be honest I haven't brought this up with my friends in decades but I plan to. If I hear anything I'll post it. The psychedelic drugs that were available back then we're lsd, dmt (occasionally), dom (stp), mushrooms, and mecaline (the real thing), and pcp (something I avoided). That being said I really wonder what we were taking sometimes. I've said that even though I have hppd life is wonderful. I'm at the age that I'm losing friends to age related illnesses and I'm realizing that each day is precious. It's given life a new perspective. It's wonderful to have found this forum. I can't say that enough. I'm not alone.
  15. MDMA wasn't around back in my day (insert Grandpa Simpsons' voice). What was available periodically was a psychedelic amphetamine called DOM which was called STP in the 60s. I can see how that class of chemical could cause problems. It certainly rattled me pretty badly. What's really scary now are all the variant "research" chemicals coming out of China. They're untested on humans are some have the potential of being fatal. I wonder if they're more likely to inflict hppd. I guess time will tell.
  16. I think it sounds fine. One thing for sure, I'm in no position to judge others. I'm just an awkward human bumbling through life (:
  17. >> As a newbie I'm not aware of the ettiquette, I'm always second guessing myself and tend to apologize often even if there's nothing to apologize for. I also don't post on the web very often. While message boards are old hat to most they're kind of unfamiliar to me. >> I used to really believe I was the only one in the world with this affliction. YES!!!!!!!!!! I've felt this way since I was a kid. Before the internet there was nowhere to go and nobody to talk to. The one doctor I talked to back in the early 80s was so rude and basically told me "you get what you deserve". I literally felt like I was the only one who struggled with these symptoms. I finally realized that there's nothing special about me so there must be someone else out there with the same problem and there must be a name for this malady.
  18. I think this is a really good conversation. When I said "life can be wonderful" the last thing I wanted to imply is that continuing to use is A-OK because things are going to turn out swell. In my opinion sobriety is the single best thing you can do for yourself at the first sign of this affliction. Now that I'm a stones throw away from 60 I can say that I'm happy and life is great but it wasn't always that way. I stopped using when I was 20 and my 20s were, at best, difficult. I got through college, I got married, and we had kids BUT I was struggling. I had horrible anxiety, I had to work really hard because my focus was so "off", and frankly, I felt like an alien who had been dropped on this planet. If I could go back and talk to my 14 year old self I'd scream "Don't take that purple tablet!!!!". Someone talked about acceptance in this forum and in my 30s I just started to accept that this is who I am that I have a self inflicted disability like it or not. I realize that this disability must have a huge spectrum and each of us has it at a different level with different symptoms. I don't want to minimize the fact that it can be debilitating. Then again, I don't want people to despair. I saw a topic in this forum on suicide and it really freaked me out and I deeply hope that anyone struggling with those thoughts can and will get help. I guess what I want to communicate that a good life is "possible". I don't have any secret formula or golden key to happiness. I guess I'm trying to say is I'm one of the afflicted and I love life. This is all so new to me. It was only a couple of weeks ago that I could register in this forum and reach out to others. This is huge and I may come off as a little over zealous at times. I should apologize to Danny79. Now I've taken your introduction and I've send it into another orbit.
  19. Hi Danny. I'm new to this forum as well. I think you bring a great message. I noticed the first symptoms in the early 70s when I was about 14. One common thread I'm seeing is that many of the people in here started using quite young. I'm wondering if that has anything to do with it. The mind is still in formation and the introduction of such strong mind altering chemicals may change trajectory. I've had "residual" visuals for over 40 years and I still have them today. But you're right, a decent life and even a wonderful life certainly is possible. There's no reason you can't get an education, pursue your dreams, have wonderful relationships, get married, have kids, raise them well, and wake up in the morning happy to be on this planet. Thank you for your positive message!
  20. Over four decades my symptoms have moderated. Jay1, your symptoms sound much like what I first experienced. The visuals were just running riot all the time. Now, they're still there but they're not nearly as prominent. I've also just gotten used to them being around. What worked for me was deciding that it was time to get on with life regardless. I think step one was getting sober because without that I couldn't focus. Move the clock ahead 40 years and I still see visuals (why does the line "I see dead people" keep going through my mind?) but I'm a "normal" (some would disagree) happy human and life couldn't be better. For what it's worth. I guess I'm trying to say "don't despair". The mind can heal even though it may not ever return to "normal" (whatever that is).
  21. Hi Amanda. I'm still in contact with people who tripped with me in high school (40 years ago). None of them have residual symptoms except for me and they used to look at me like I was crazy when I described what I was going through. I stopped talking about it to anyone a long time ago until I found this forum. If I consume MJ my heart pounds and the visuals that are always present become far more "apparent". As I've stated in other topics, I wish I had stopped using drugs once my symptoms started. Have you considered just not using drugs for a while just to figure out where your head is at? I realize that can be difficult when the people in your sphere are still on that adventure. Food for thought anyway. I'm no doctor or anything (MadDoc) is an old nickname from those days. Be well and take care.
  22. Hangovers make my visuals much worse. I find if I don't get good sleep or sleep that's low quality (alcohol does this) then the my symptoms are worse. MJ is also something I can't touch. Tiny amounts send me into an alternate universe. I think sobriety is probably one of the best treatments for HPPD. It didn't make my visuals go away but they're much better when I'm sober. Also, being sober, it's easier to get focused and get on with life.
  23. >> The visual snow even forms into psychedelic shapes sometimes, spirals .... That sound similar to what I deal with. I agree with K.D. taking a break might be a good idea just to see how you feel after a while. I noticed similar symptoms when I was using (I was 14) but I continued to use psychedelics for another six years unfortunately. I wish I had stopped right after the symptoms started. That was back in the early 70s and nobody had ever heard of HPPD. We were always afraid of "flashbacks" which never seemed to happen to anyone so I figured that continuing to use wasn't going to have an impact.
  24. Hi Jeffy. Have you considered taking a little break from tripping to see if the symptoms moderate or go away? Hallucinogens can have short term effects like empathy, insight into ones self, or just seeing the world from another viewpoint. Some of these residual feelings can be wonderful as I recall. However, for some of us we get negative symptoms that never go away. Basically I see visuals much of the time. I can't make them go away and I've had this for over 40 years. If you take a break then perhaps you can gauge how things are going up in the cranium.
  25. I'm definitely going to print out the information and bring it to my next medical appointment. It will be the first time I've brought this up with a medical professional in at least 35 years. I think it'll be a real relief to have this out in the open. It's funny, I don't think my wife even realizes because I just don't talk about it. I haven't gotten very far in the posts I'm afraid. I spend most of the day in front of a computer and the short time I have available in the evening is usually spent doing something (anything) that isn't at the keyboard. I did read the posts where someone was talking about suicide. Man, that was eye opening! Like most days during the work week I go out for a long walk. I work in a built up area so I'm always walking on sidewalks. The very sidewalks with the little white, black, grey, etc. stones that bring on the images. I realized that I'm so used to seeing visuals that I can kind of ignore them. Today I really paid attention and their movement started giving me a minor motion sickness. The shifting, moving, reforming, and motion. At one point when a plane flew by I realized how the sound of the plane tied in with what I was seeing. Normal people don't experience this. I wonder what that's like. I guess I'll never know but hey, what can you do ... right? Thank you HPPDked and K.B. Fante for replying to my posts. It's like I finally have contact with people from my own planet.