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Everything posted by MadDoc

  1. Excellent post. Couldn't agree more with items 1-3. Jay's point regarding self blame is excellent as well. One thing, even if you're symptoms don't seem bad at first and your life isn't hell, proceed with caution. When I stopped using I was kind of stumbling out of a long term psychedelic stupor. The symptoms (visuals) I had were initially kind of reassuring. It wasn't until the years started to go by that I realized it wasn't going away. Sobriety at the first sign, good or bad is important IMHO.
  2. I've posted a number of times that I feel like a misplaced alien dropped onto a strange world. When I read your last post you said "I feel like some other entity/alien" I think know what you mean. I've felt that way since I was a kid. I don't trust doctors much. If I break a bone or get cancer, then sure I want a good doctor. However, in the US primary care physicians just come across as pill pushers. I'm very wary of any chemical that's prescribed. Then again, for some folks, medication is just what they need. I guess I just don't trust these alien doctors (: One of the things I like about this site is I can open up about this condition. I kept it bottled up for decades and it's very freeing to "talk" about it with other perople that won't just write me off as an old psychedelic casualty.
  3. I've been put under a few times for routine "old guy" tests. I noticed no issues afterwards. My visuals were no worse afterwards.
  4. There is some excellent advice in these replies. There are a lot of bright people who post here. I'm not counting myself as one of them (: Seriously though, anxiety is something that can magnify any underlying issues. Then the anxiety can make those issues worse causing a cycle that makes the anxiety worse and worse and making whatever issues you may have seem bigger than they are. Hppd is no joke, but by itself (at least for me) it's something I can live with. The anxiety was something I had to resolve or my blood pressure would have made me real sick by now. As the other replies say, deal with the anxiety. I couldn't do that until I was sober especially refraining from cannabis because, for whatever reason, it causes major anxiety in some people.
  5. The fact that the trails and halos are better is a great sign! Also, reduced anxiety is a good indication that you're on the mend. Keep up the exercise and all the other positive things you're doing.
  6. My hppd came on slowly over time. However, I noticed it after my first dose of acid. I think if I had stopped then it would have gone away. Instead I dosed almost continually for six years sometimes for weeks at a time. That's how my symptoms came about. I've had visuals for over 40 years. You know what though? Life has been wonderful. I have few regrets. The visuals I have are just part of me and I don't pay them a lot of attention. What helped? Getting focused and living my life. I was also lucky that some of my symptoms subsided and dissapeared over time. Sorry about my babbling post but if there's one thing I want people to hear is that hppd isn't the end. That being said, I don't want people to think hppd is no big deal and that dosing has no possible consequences. I hope your symptoms subside. Hang in and take care.
  7. So, this is from one incident where you think the weed might have been "enhanced"? Give yourself some time because it's likely that your symptoms will subside. However, it might not be a bad idea to take it up with a medical professional just to eliminate any other possible causes. Granted, I didn't do that but my symptoms were clearly from psychedelic over exposure.
  8. So are you saying the visual symptoms cleared up? If your main issue is anxiety there are a whole host of things that might cause that and it might not be related to psychedelics. Weed can cause visuals and, for some, anxiety and panic attacks. The weed that's around today is very strong and the CBD has largely been bred out of the plants. CBD makes it more mellow and relaxing. I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis but it sounds more like anxiety than full blown hppd. If I've misunderstood what you're going through I apologize.
  9. Weed will do that especially the weed that's around these days which is why I don't touch it. For some, it's wonderful, for me, a disaster. You may have to set it aside at least for a while. Your choice though.
  10. This is part of the "mindfulness" meditation I was taught. It was called the "body scan". Different names for an excellent practice. I focus on a single point in the center of my mind. Good medicine!
  11. CEVs are Closed Eye Visuals. They were images that were indescribable. Just crazy. As soon as I closed my eyes they would start. For anxiety, meditation has been a huge help. It also helps in dealing with day to day stress. I think one of the biggest benefits is that it taught me how to control my mental chatter. The negative dialogue in my mind was one of the biggest causes of depression and anxiety. Having some control over that has been a huge relief.
  12. You're going to be ok. I have visuals whenever my eyes are open and I used to have CEVS when they were closed. That being said, life has been good, no, life has been wonderful. Just because we have this "abnormality" doesn't mean we're less worthy than anyone else. You're doing all the right things to heal. The simple fact that you don't have visuals at the gym is a good sign! I'm not an expert on hppd and I'm not even saying you have it because I'm not qualified to do so. I do think the earlier in life you stop using the more likely to have moderating symptoms. Hang in and take care.
  13. I think living these days being at the breaking point is a baseline condition. There is just so much stress. Jobs are competitive, traffic is crazy, all the machinery makes so much noise, we're treated like cattle, etc. What's that Dylan lyric? Something like "the heart attack macine". Throw in hppd and being at the tipping point isn't difficult to reach. However, life, even with hppd can be productive and a great joy. For me, it's all about staying focused and committed to things that I come by naturally and the things that make me happy. I'm also unapologetic about being a misfit space shot. When I start feeling like I'm at my breaking point I rely on my family and the great outdoors to keep the balance. I also babble a lot as is evident in my posts (:
  14. I'm repeating myself. I say this over and over. I used to love weed. Smoked it every day, all day long. Then it started to give me panic attacks and it makes my visuals very intense. I didn't quit weed, it quit me. I don't know why it causes anxiety but I'm sure it's related to hppd. It sounds like you're making excellent lifestyle changes. Staying focused and productive is what helped me along.
  15. Anxiety goes with living in this modern world. Learning to deal with the constant barrage of input sober isn't always easy.
  16. Yes, staying drug free, at least for a while, is a very good idea. I mean, you don't want to dose worrying that it might bring on this condition. I, unfortunately, was totally ignorant of the consequences when I was using. Since you've only dosed once I suspect you're going to be fine.
  17. Weed makes my visuals intolerable and I've only indulged maybe 10 times since I quit dosing back in 1980. It brings on racing thoughts, racing heartbeat, and crazy hallucinations. The fact that your CEVS have moderated is a good sign IMHO. Mine lasted for a few decades before, almost suddenly, going away. I can't comment on medication because I've never taken anything for this condition but there are people in here who are very knowledgeable. Obviously, the best thing to do is to refrain from taking psychoactive substances because this condition can get much worse. Take care of yourself and the healing will begin.
  18. Not selfish in the slightest. You're doing the two things that really helped me (meditation and sobriety). In the first 10 years of having visuals after quitting drugs I had a lot of ups and downs. Sometimes my visuals were terrible but then it would moderate for a while. I've never taken meds for hppd so I can't comment on that. What really helped me was staying focused. For a time I was almost regimented going to school, raising kids, working, etc. Now I'm just an old burnout who takes life as it comes. I don't know if that helps at all. The visuals can be tough to deal with but I've found that the brain adapts it's own filter so they're not as noticeable. It just takes a while. Take care and hang in.
  19. I think anxiety is one of the symptoms of hppd and anxiety can make symptoms worse. Vicious circle. I'm not saying I think you have it because I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis. I've just had the condition for a long time. Are you doing anything to address the anxiety? School in an of itself can provoke anxiety. I can't say anything about medication because I've never taken any for my symptoms (except alcohol for a while which was a BAD idea). Meditation is what works for me. It doesn't cost anything and you never need a refill. If you haven't stopped using psychoactive substances that's a good first step. Also, give yourself some time. It's possible that your symptoms will moderate. I often write the following. I do so because I mean it. Even if your symptoms linger you can live a productive and happy life. Don't despair.
  20. I have no experience with MDMA but there are a number of people in this forum who do. From their posts it can certainly cause hppd symptoms. There are also a number of people who have had delayed symptoms that showed up after they stopped using. It sounds like you're not using anything now which is the best thing you can do for yourself. Eliminating other possible causes is a good idea which you're also doing. My visuals will probably never go away but most of my other symptoms did. Give yourself some time. If you are experiencing hppd symptoms they can take a while to moderate and/or go away. Hang in there. Even if the symptoms are persistent you can live a productive and wonderful life. Sounds corney but that's the truth.
  21. My best advice is to refrain from psychedelics and avoid weed. Smoking amplifiers my visuals to the point where they're really distracting. At least take a break because the symptoms could get worse with continued use. As Thinkers stated, give it some time.
  22. Also, a sober life is a wonderful life. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure that out.
  23. Permanent in my case but I dosed heavily for years. If I had stopped when I was 14 i think it would have cleared up.
  24. When I was young (a long time ago) I used to have those half awake/half asleep dreams where you know where you are but the body is paralyzed. It's usually accompanied with vivid images. Grotesque faces are apparently common and that's exactly what I saw when it happened to me. I guess it's pretty common. There's a name for it that escapes me at the moment. I don't know if that's what you experienced but it sounds similar. It can also be accompanied by a full body buzzing not unlike a huge inhalation of nitrous.
  25. Cannabis makes my symptoms intolerable. It makes my visuals very intense. When I first started to get symptoms it was always after smoking. I guess for some of us it's a trigger of some kind. I'm not an expert on hppd but staying away from the herbs might be a good idea.