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Everything posted by K.B.Fante

  1. Whatever you do, don't make any emotional decisions and do something you'll regret down the road. You're really young and your brain is especially vulnerable, but also capable of incredible healing. Stop drinking caffeine immediately along with all other drugs but especially weed, see a psychologist, read posts on this forum to get an understanding of what you might be dealing with and don't take any more cold medicine. There's lots of crazy stuff in there that can mess you up.
  2. I've felt that way many times over the last year. Eventually I figured out how much of a role sleep, diet, exercise, etc., plays in how I feel day to day and once I adjusted properly I was much more stable. Between nicotine, antibiotics, lack of sleep and pain meds it's no wonder you're feeling unstable. Like you said, it's just temporary. Get all that crap out of your system, drink a bunch of water, maybe hit up a sauna for a few days, sleep, get on some probiotics and eat some fermented foods to replenish your gut bacteria and you should be feeling way better.
  3. Re-reading your posts it does seem as though the solution you're suggesting is to somehow view our condition in a certain light that would allow us to control our stress and potentially master our HPPD symptoms. The numerals you list as "1., 2. and 3." explicitly state this. I will admit I took your suggestion a bit too personally and went too far in addressing what I felt was erroneous about it. I apologize if I offended anyone with this. That said, I'm not an angry person and I think the 400-plus posts I've made on this site clearly corroborate this. I do tend to comment at night after work and lately I've been a bit cranky due to additional medical conditions on top of HPPD and getting pretty tired of my job. Maybe it just all came out in the post above. I do think, however, that posts that reduce HPPD to a highly controllable condition in any way are incredibly frustrating to read given this site -- the largest database of HPPD-related stories and information on the Web -- is teeming with literally thousands upon thousands of first-hand accounts of longterm HPPD sufferers who've tried every trick in the book to alter their condition in the slightest and have often failed. There are in fact suicide notes and many accounts of suicidal ideation due to the immutable force that is HPPD, and so to suggest there's really nothing wrong with us, that it's only stress related and that if we just understood the cause we'd overcome years of the most severe mental anguish imaginable, I think is not exactly helpful. Again, I apologize if I came off the wrong way, but I think it's important to understand the stigma surrounding mental illness and especially HPPD, especially with regards to the concept that what we're going through is "all in our heads" and not an actual neurological malfunction. Downplaying the severity of this condition is the exact opposite direction we should be going in as a community and is exactly the battle the mental health community has been waging for literally hundreds of years. If we can't even get our own sufferers on board with the idea we have a neurological disorder then how in the hell are we supposed to make progress with doctors or the general public? Please don't take my above post personal. I promise I'm not an asshole. I think you just happened to catch me on the wrong day at the wrong time with a subject I'm very passionate about. Perhaps you know better than I, but is the brain not composed entirely of cells that fire signals back and forth to convey messages to the body and to the self? If something is healthy, is acted on by an outside force and then remains unhealthy afterwards, that is essentially the definition of damage, no? Perhaps you feel differently than I do about HPPD, but in my case I have zero reason to believe I did not suffer some form of damage given I was neurologically "normal" prior to taking a hit of acid but ever since have had a long list or neurological conditions that forms the basis of HPPD, including micropsia, palinopsia, tinnitus, diplopia, mydriasis, cycloplegia and visual snow to name a few. Though I am no doctor I also don't think it's to far fetched to suggest this array of neurological disorders does not often result simultaneously on a single day without some form of significant alteration inside the brain. You can call it whatever you'd like, but from my perspective and in my case "damage" seems to be an entirely appropriate and in no way disingenuous nor offensive term given the definition of the word can be as simple as "unwelcome and detrimental effects." I'd venture to say everyone here could label HPPD as unwelcome and detrimental without feeling all that disingenuous.
  4. I mean many people don't see huge fluctuations in their symptoms based on their level of stress or anxiety or whatever other mental instability they may be facing. Symptoms are bound to fluctuate a bit throughout the day based on body chemistry and mood, but no amount of ignoring symptoms or relaxation or even severe anxiety has even done much to change my symptoms on the whole. Good luck, but I don't know that it's wise to assume you can understand the pain, suffering and physiological impairment of others based on stories you've heard here and there. I'm curious if you apply this same sort of logic to other scenarios in life, telling people their subjective experiences, feelings and bodily sensations actually don't exist and that it's just all in their mind. I don't think this is a particularly helpful way of interacting with people who are suffering, nor is it grounded in fact. Quite frankly, it's fairly egotistical to assume your condition or pain is equal to others when in fact they could be experiencing a level of suffering you didn't even know possible. My visual impairment that resulted from ingesting acid doesn't change because I want it to or because I just think a certain way. I guess maybe I'll just try to think like a millionaire from here on out and one day I'll way up next to a sack full of 100 dollar bills then? Is that how it works? I don't mean to be an asshole but you can only handle so many people telling you it's "all in your mind" before you have to be blunt. If you could spend a day in my shoes you'd understand this isn't something I'm imagining because I'm bored with life and want to see magic fairy dust every time I look into the sky. If you believe you can just think yourself out of neuronal cell damage then have at it, but please refrain from insisting this is some sort of cure until science can verify this as an actual method of treating illness.
  5. I'm not huge on the "It's all in your head" theories. My HPPD, and many others' here, is not related to anxiety in the sense I can control it. My HPPD symptoms are pretty much the exact same 24-7, 365. Theoretically, maybe the brain is sending some sort of signal it shouldn't, but it sounds like it's much more likely the brain is not filtering out excess signals instead -- at least that's what a lot of the leading doctors are suggesting.
  6. Seems like nothing shows up, so I'm not sure I should even get one. I've searched the site for "MRI" and pretty much all anybody's said is that they don't show anything for HPPD. Just curious if it's even worth it and if anybody has had first-hand experience with this.
  7. Glad you've made it through. Have your symptoms improved much over time? I imagine so. I just wish more people came back and made posts like this rather than never coming back at all as it gives others hope. I really think there's a misrepresentation of the number of people who recover because they never post their success stories years down the road.
  8. My guess is that 10 years from now your desire to try psychedelics again will be almost nonexistent. There's a reason people quit doing drugs as they age. Getting short bursts of dopamine might make you feel good for a few hours but that's no recipe for real happiness.
  9. Good news. It's all about baby steps and moving in the right direction. You can't jump from suicidal to healthy and happy in a week. That takes many, many months and often times years. It's just about moving that general direction, even if you take a few steps back or sideways every once in a while. Keep up the healthy lifestyle, especially the eating, and see where you're at in another few months. I bet you'll feel even better.
  10. Nice! Please keep us updated. I didn't get one because people said nothing would show up. Maybe EEG will be different though.
  11. Mine are always worse at night, likely due to the high contrasting environments and bright lights. It used to be insanely bad to where lights would literally blur across my entire field of vision when I moved my eyes horizontally, but it's gotten way better over the last few years. Caffeine seems to make these symptoms much worse.
  12. MDMA obviously causes HPPD but I've also heard of people who get a minor case of it and recover within a few weeks or months. I can't remember what it's called but there's a name for it. As long as you remain sober and live a healthy lifestyle you should be OK sooner rather than later.
  13. What do you mean you worked out and all your symptoms came back?
  14. I sorta thought that too at the beginning. It's actually pretty common. People aren't used to talking the way they do and trying to connect with someone else on such an emotional level and thinking about their life in a way they haven't before, and so backlash is to be expected. If you stick with it you'll be rewarded though. Just takes finding the right therapist and being willing to accept you may have experienced traumas you weren't quite aware of. HPPD in itself is a trauma.
  15. I'd stay away from Jimmy John's, Subway and all other fast food franchises if I were you. Even though these places seem healthy the buns are loaded with gluten, carbs and are devoid of any quality nutrition that your brain needs to heal or reset itself. You should really start to try and cook for yourself. It's cheaper and healthier and gives you something to look forward to and learn about. I'd recommend trying to cut out gluten completely for so many reasons it's not even funny. Gluten has even been linked to schizophrenia and can have damaging effects on your neurological health even if you don't have a severe mental illness like we do.
  16. I agree wholeheartedly with this. I've been down this road before -- absolutely desperate for any sort of relief because I felt my life depended on it. I messed around with tons of medications and hardly anything even had a positive effect on my HPPD. In fact, I'd say nothing really helped my symptoms. What I eventually figured out is that there's an inherent sensitivity with HPPD and that the more substances you throw at your brain the worse you're going to feel. Jesus, half the people or more on this forum can't even handle sugar or coffee, much less multiple pharmaceuticals at the same time. As fruitgun said, ween off whatever you're on very slowly unless there's something you're taking that you feel you can't live without. Again, go slowly as you have all the time in the world. Then after that be sure to give yourself time so that you can assess how you feel. My guess is you're going to feel a hell of a lot better. Work out ever day, eat almost strictly whole foods, eliminate excess sugar, get off the cigarettes, go to yoga, see a therapist, go to group mental health meetings and check back in with us three months down the line. Again, I'm guessing you're gonna feel much better and have an entirely different outlook on life.
  17. Yep, same here. My HPPD is always a bit worse after just waking up.
  18. I'm a pretty firm believer in the power of nature, biology and healing, although it's important to remember not everyone is in the same boat here. Different people have different symptoms and different levels of HPPD. For those who've had it for a long time and just want to live without pain, I see no reason why medication isn't an entirely acceptable option. But I do think at first it's highly advisable to refrain from all psychoactive substances (including excess sugar, coffee, nightshades, etc.) in order to give yourself a chance at healing naturally.
  19. What are you eating? A week is not much time in the grand scope of altering your brain chemistry through food. You need to practice good eating habits for months and even years on end before you can really start to feel a change. I'm at about a year now and my body feels as good as it ever has, especially when combined with morning exercise.
  20. So I still don't understand... Who's prescribing you all these meds? Or are you just getting them on the black market? Because I don't understand how a doctor would be willingly feeding you all this stuff knowing the harmful interactions. Taking any combination of meds is a very tight balancing act with potentially disastrous consequences, much less psyche meds. I have absolutely zero doubt that this is the crux of your mental instability at the moment and that if you can get on the right meds and remain stable you'll be OK. Trust me man, I've been through this but to a lesser extent with over the counter herbs. Our brains are really, really sensitive and even the slightest imbalance can cause major emotional instability. I remember last year just mixing excess rhodiola and holy basil together made me nearly want to jump off a bridge. I can't imagine what it's like with big pharma drugs.
  21. This says it all. What kind of meds are you on? And how many? If you're on some kind of ill-advised big pharma psyche med cocktail you're almost sure to be suicidal. Hell, I was suicidal for months on end without any of that crap. Are you seeing a doctor who's prescribing this to you? Have you let him or her know about what's going on? Here's the thing Mythos: I've had HPPD for over two years now and have had suicidal ideation for about half that period and have been suicidal for maybe four months when things were at their worst. I literally cannot explain in words how psychologically and emotionally tormented I was when I was at my lowest point. I thought my suicide out and thought I was being rational because I could not take the pain anymore and had tried everything. But the thing was, I hand't. There's always another day, another thing to try, some glimmer of hope somewhere. And this is the great thing about it: Life always evolves. Nothing stays the same. Everything changes all the time. This is a law of the known universe. So even thought it's as bad as you could ever imagine now you have to remember that it won't always be this way. It will get better. It just might take some time. In the meantime, I hope you can get on top of your med situation. It sounds like it's pretty bad.
  22. Yes, you'll likely recover as long as you don't do anymore drugs and stay healthy. Your brain is still growing so fast at that age. Just give yourself time. I've had this for over two years now, and many people don't recovery for upwards of five years. You just have to give yourself time.
  23. There was a big thread posted a while back that was similar to this, though I'm not sure how to find it now. I think B-complex vitamins and magnesium have the best track record with HPPD but that's likely because people are just depleted. I also take digestive enzymes, selenium, zinc, sunflower lecithin and fish oil. Time of day matters too. You shouldn't take a lot of minerals at the same time as they can compete with one another. My morning drink consists of tulsi tea, hibiscus tea, passionflower tincture, bacopa tincture, a half teaspoon of turmeric, sea salt, apple cider vinegar and sea salt. It tastes like crap but it's an excellent morning cleanse and gives me a boost mood wise. As for diet, I'd say going gluten free, limiting sugar to only organic produce and taking it easy or eliminating nightshades is the best bet. You can be liberal with what you eat as long as you're eating natural foods that come from the earth.
  24. Yeah, there's a handful of posts on this site where people seem to find significant relief with opioids but as is mentioned above this comes with all sorts of additional health concerns. Perhaps they could offer some form of temporary relief for people who are really struggling.