stimulatingdistraction

I'm not much into reading the scriptures.. I tend to look for things wrong with it. And these are things written a long time ago. It's strange looking into what was felt all that time ago to feel it now. Not that it's any less relevant over time, but it sends a message that Jesus just isn't around anymore, if he ever was. At the same time I don't believe that we're on our own. There's just got to be other ways to bridge the gap. I want to be close to God, but it's impossible to hold on to when you're having to reinvent yourself every time the hppd acts up. I've heard the songs, I've heard "in deepest waters my faith will stand", et cetera. I've heard that when you believe that deeply in something it becomes a part of you and no matter what happens, it's not something you have to remember to keep track of, it's just you, "He" is you. And it makes sense and sounds wonderful and all. But what about before you reach that point? You can say He already is a part of me, always has been, and I wouldn't correct you. But I don't feel like it, I feel like it's a point I have to reach and that once I do there will be less issues connecting and staying connected with Him. But what's left of the brain fog, visuals, dp dr, keeps me just out of reach.

It sounds like you had some good eats. And I definitely recommend spam loco, if you like spam at least. I spearfish all over the island, I don't really spearfish any one spot more than the others.. one of my favorite parts of it is just getting there. I shot that particular ono at South Point though, actually. It's my favorite place to dive, and it's well known for its bluewater spearfishing. You can swim out from shore and come back in with fish like ono, mahi, ahi, rainbow runners, etc. You've definitely been to the spot I got that ono at since it's before green sands. Even when the wind is blowing 50mph the cliffs protect the bay so it makes for a good day of diving no matter the conditions, usually. It's called broken landing and is very protected from the wind, only have to worry about the occasional swells that make it difficult getting in and out (mostly out lol) of the water. On the other hand the further down the coast you go in either direction, the water is usually very rough as you've seen.

The fish is a wahoo. Good eats. Thanks again for sharing your perspective. I still take meclizine occasionally, other than that I smoke cigarettes.

I like the way you laid all that out, thanks for the extensive and insightful response. Also, yes a spirituality section would be cool. I've never really delved that far into thought about it, I try not to ask myself too many questions and when it comes to God.. sometimes I just want to feel like there's something out there that loves me. It's just getting myself to that point and moving forward from there that's difficult. It's almost like a puzzle, gotta put this there so I can put that there, etc. It seems like the wrong way to go about things sometimes, but there are those things that we have to acknowledge and jump start some electricity into before we can move on because they are things we have to take with us. It's difficult to really gauge how much anything means to me on any level sometimes, most of the time I just straight up can't. Hilo's good, I'm sure it misses you too. It has been rainy as pretty much always. We just got hit by a hurricane not that long ago but it didn't do too much damage thankfully. I hope there aren't any more on the way.

I find myself wanting to be closer to God, and there are moments where I felt like I was I dunno.. pretty in there I guess? But it washes away so easily it's like a reset button and I get lost in brain fog and have to start all over again. Makes me think things like being close to God is just a state of mind and a bunch of not special things. I never really developed much of a religious opinion when I was younger and sometimes it just seems like everything I've learned along the way gets lost in translation somewhere, and it's tricky trying to keep track of what comes from where, ya know? I was just wondering how you all feel about God. I wasn't really sure where to post this.. community open space maybe? It's kinda sorta about brain fog.. I'm sorry if this isn't in the proper forum.

Syntheso - Thanks for the kind words. I haven't made a full entire recovery but I anticipate one. I believe that the remaining symptoms I have which are only recognizable in complete darkness are only pronounced by the remaining annoyances of anxiety, allergies, and random bouts of vertigo from damaging my inner ear. Once I'm past that, I'll be past hppd for good is my thought. The life I've been living has helped me tremendously in all aspects of recovery as well, which I'd say is something to strongly consider chasing if the lifestyle you lead now isn't fulfilling enough. I hope I don't sound all Obi-Wan but every aspect of your life plays a role, my focus is on attitude and energy, living the way that no part of me feels left out. Feeling more than thinking, believing as much as knowing. jay - It's good to see you still around. And of course I wouldn't recommend it either. onedayillsailagain - Thank you. The way everything unfolded and folded really is interesting. I try not to analyze it too much because you're right.. it was what it was, now I am what I am and what I am now is of value. "Good things take time, great things happen all at once" - Rat Race. =P I'm sorry to hear about your vertigo, I know it's a special kind of shit cherry when topped over everything else. And here's to hoping you'll sail again one day. I think you will.

I wasn't planning on getting back on this site and there's probably only a few that maybe remember me. I probably won't stick around long past this post and maybe nobody will give a shit but I've made improvements that I decided not to keep to myself. Just a quick catch up.. The first year was pretty much the lowest low. Dp/dr, visuals, anxiety, you name it. As of six months ago my remaining symptoms are anxiety, head pressure and visuals, which I only notice at night. During the day it's like I never had it at all. After the miserable first year and a whole lot of eating right and exercising, most of my symptoms dwindled to a tolerable coasting point to where it was bad, but not fuck-life bad. That coasting point lasted two years with little improvement and I was always doing what I could to promote a full recovery and be generally okay with my life. Getting from that point to the point I'm at now happened within a month, which was seven months ago. If that's not interesting enough in itself, I'll tell you how. I still don't know the why, but I'm not complaining. I was working construction, and with the lack of demand I ended up doing landscaping on the side. I'm also an avid fisherman, mostly spearfishing. During this period, two things happened. First, I damaged my inner ear on a deep dive while spearfishing. Vertigo. Ever been laying in the center of your bed and "knew" you were falling off of it, but you weren't? Second, while landscaping I came into unintentional contact with datura. The vertigo and datura experience and what I went through because of it isn't important. It was a nightmare, and my hppd became worse than it had ever been. The strange thing is, after all hell broke loose, when I started getting better, I got better fast. Here's what I did: -took meclizine for vertigo (still do) -used nasal spray and neti pot for allergies I never had before the vertigo -sucked it up and tried not to kill myself or think about killing myself during and after datura exposure There's so much of my recovery I don't understand but what helped more than anything, I believe, was fucking up my ear. I don't know if any of you have ever injured your ear but when I did I experienced a sort of break in psychology, barely knew what anything was and when I started recovering from that, I felt like I could be anything. It's amazing how much of ourselves is controlled by such a small part of our body. After the datura exposure, everything was so fucked, more than it had ever been and I prayed for a brief moment of clarity. As strange as I'm sure it'll sound to many if not all of you, I got that moment of clarity. I knew who I was for a second, and what I had to do without even thinking. That moment had such a severe impact on me, it was like I was given a direction to walk that I could give myself to. I felt God's love. I could remember who I was and I focused on every prominent memory I had that was pre-hppd. The most prominent was school. So what did I do? I went back to school, the culinary program at the local community college. I felt old wheels turning, it was as if I had allowed an old perception back into my eyes and the sight I had back then came with it. The feelings came with it, the annoyances came with it, I started being the piece of shit I used to be before the mess. Since then I've been sorting through that, and figuring out what to make of my life. What I'm not sure of is whether or not it was God completely that healed me, or some combination of fucking up my ear and the datura... but if you ask me, it was God. I felt obligated to share, even if none of this helps any of you. I've been wanting to, but I'm very protective of my progress and just being on this site gives me some anxiety. I wish you all the best.

That guy looks like my brother. Reminds me of like.. a modern day anglo saxon... all that's missing is the giant shield and axe and then the look is complete. lol Diggin the beanie!

That's awesome man.. wish I could've met people like you and them at the right time. I'm sure there were moments of pure joy. I'm living the way I am now to strengthen to someday go back to that. When it comes down to it, it's what I want and what I feel I have to do, it's the only way my existence makes any sense to me. If you ever take some vacation time to Hawaii and you're still down for the experience, look me up!

There's good money to be made from pelagic spearfishing.. out in the deep blue for mahi, ono (wahoo is english name I think), ahi (tuna). But you need a boat for that kind of work. I shore-dive, anywhere from 5ft-40ft of water. Still money to be made but more as a side job sort of thing. Erry now and then coming out of the water someone will spot me and make an offer on a fish, it's good tobacco money. I've taken it to the point before though to where I was living off of fish I caught every day, sleeping on the beach. Did that for 3 months. No rent, cops didn't mess with me, was an unforgettable nature blast. It's really the only way I want to be living my life, exactly like that, but having no one to share it with does damaging things to the mind. Gets lonely and interaction with intrigued passerby's just doesn't cut it. I haven't met anyone yet who would be comfortable living that way unfortunately. But as far as making a living from spearfishing that way, you can absolutely live your life like that here. It's also very rewarding. Catching your own food, lots of coconut trees to harvest (coconuts are very healthy; lots of minerals and good stuff), wild guava and lilikoi to eat, raiding the potato farms and the occasional citrus tree.. You can live off the land and survive if you have the skillset needed to get fish whether there's waves, strong currents, murky water, etc. Though having money is still a part of this lifestyle.. I didn't go completely primitive. I lived in a tent, I smoke cigarettes, and the spear sometimes needs replacement tip or shaft, new bands, etc, magnesium shavings and flint/lighter, and sometimes you really just want a burrito or ice cream, stuff you can't find on a tree. The benefit is that the lifestyle can provide you with these things as well.. selling fish to the passerby's (mostly elderly church-going fish-loving people bought from me). Some popular reef fish you can get not too far from shore can all sell for quite a bit depending on poundage, can make enough money to support that lifestyle. Anyway I got carried away, my bad. But yeah, can definitely make a living from it, just depends on how you want to live. I'd love to spearfish in Portugal someday.. I'd be game for anywhere in the world really, would be awesome to travel and spearfish new places. Planes scare the shit outta me though lol

I can handle going spearfishing every day.. great source of exercise as well when the current is pumpin. Though sometimes it's difficult not to go full blown panic attack with the occasional shark chasing me around wanting a bite of my catch. Looking for job again, a while back I was working customer service and anxiety/panic attacks got to me. My symptoms are much more tolerable than they were 3 years ago but that's one of the things that still gets to me. Would prefer to have a janitorial job of some sort, or farming.. something not too social. Scared to go back to college because I wouldn't want to have to give any sort of presentation, otherwise I'd try for associates degree. At that point now that all the difficult symptoms are mild and I can keep track of myself and the day for the most part, feel like ready to try life again. Just have to be a little bit choosy about which jobs to take.. which makes it difficult. It's hard to secure any type of job, and most here are customer service related. Hoping something with housekeeping/inventory/dishwashing/farming/etc comes through.. applied many places... the goal now is to make some growth socially, sorta why I joined up here. Easier to converse with you guys vs everyone else. Have felt slightly better since I came here, didn't think I would.. so very thankful for that, and everyone here.

Ah man I love Sigur Ros. Favorite by them is Njosnavelin. Hoppipolla was the first I heard of them, one of their more popular songs I think, and just about anything by them was an amazing listen on shrooms. I liked Infected Mushroom a lot too. Their songs Converting Vegetarians and Artillery were amazing. Matisyahu - One Day always got me in a bright mood. Kinda depressing now with all the memories attached to the songs but I still listen to em erry now and then. One of my favorite songs at the moment is Saltwater Anthem by Oshen, can replay that song over and over for an hour or two some days.

Here on the big island of Hawaii you can get an acre of land in the boondocks away from people for 400-500 bucks a month in some areas. But you'd have to build living arrangement on it. You could live in a tent, or create some sort of shelter.. people have been very creative with it. Had a co-worker who has an arrangement like this and she and her husband and kids love it and are doing well. Downside is cost of living here is crappy. Land can be cheap, but groceries will come back to bite ya in the ass. Was 10 bucks for a gallon of orange juice last time I checked. You'd get familiar with the sales department very quick. But it is a beautiful place to live, and despite some hawaiians race hate towards caucasians it is mostly a pretty friendly place and there are lots of cool people to meet. Maybe not your best bet, but thought I'd chime in anyway, give ya some options.

Passion- I really feel for you. Three years ago I could've been writing those same words. I went through a vitamin phase as well. Even though the didn't seem to help all that much, some part of my head believed that the would and I think sending that signal to my brain that I was doing what I could to help prevent myself from feeling like a total wreck helped somewhat. It gets easier as time goes by, I promise. As far as reattaching your soul with your body, connecting mind and body, however you want to put it.. you still have memories. You're going through all of these literally seemingly unreal things right now. But you do have memories of when things did feel real, when you did still feel a part of the world. Think about those memories, your brain and body still remembers how to do them. Think about the things you enjoyed before, and try to reconnect with those parts, almost in a restoring-motor-function-sorta-way. But right now you need to stay away from any stimulating drug, it'll only make things worse or just as bad again and again. You're crying out for some relief from the horrible feelings you're experiencing, and you have memory of hash and all being something that helped with certain issues in the past. But you need to connect yourself to the fact that it's not something that can help you now. And I'm not sure if my way of dealing with things is what other people would find acceptable or help-worthy, but these are some of the things that started me off on getting me to where I am now. And if anyone disagrees or wants to add anything in on this, please do so. I'm always all ears. MG- Damn, I know how you feel with the salty and sugar foods. Really gets the heart pumping. hah Combination of eating the wrong types of food and then doing something like smoking herb was enough to send me full blast into a thinking-you're-gonna-die attack. Heart was going a hundred miles a minute. Something I noticed that helps with that is to go for a drive. I had my brother drive me around for the longest time, even though he doesn't understand the need for some of these things and thinks it's a pain in the ass to help me through what he doesn't understand - which doesn't help.. but the drive helped to keep my senses engaged enough on other things to repair, or something of the sort. But, yeah. Eating good food helps a metric fuckton.

Thanks for taking the time to respond, I appreciate it. Yeah, I do have some questions... "almost there, in terms of getting better"... almost where? I'm not sure how much better than this I could get besides having more daily activities and people to connect with. I'm sort of a loner. What does someone who has gotten better from hppd look like? What did they do to get there? I thought that once you have it, you're stuck with it and can only cope. I'm decent at coping, so I'm not sure what else I could be doing besides what I am now.