Meadow

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Meadow last won the day on February 4 2013

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About Meadow

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  • Birthday 01/13/1995

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  1. I've tried Kava a couple of times, in high dosages too, and never felt anything. The person who took it with me mentioned his relaxness, feeling good, muscle relaxation etc etc. But for me there was nothing excecpt the numb feeling in my mouth while drinking it. I don't know, maybe it is a personal thing, but could it be that Kava doesn't work for HPPD'ers? I doubt that there are any researches on this topic but maybe someone else here tried it and can share their experiences. It would be really interesting.
  2. Thanks syntheso, it means a lot to me to know that I am not alone with this I don't really know about what could have caused it... maybe stress in university or me taking opiates at rugularly base, but that's going on for at least 1,5 years I guess and the coming-back of the symptons started a few months ago.... Maybe the big *whatever rules the world* just got boring and decided I could need some colour and dp/dr again. I am not religios at all, but in the last time I like to think of some plan behind everything, like as an excuse or something like that
  3. I've been to the dentist today and had x-ray too. I didn't feel any impact on hppd. But in the room there was a painting at the ceiling (for patients to look at) and it was some 3d-illusion with balls. That was some wild stuff going on there. Watching that made me nearly forget about the tooth repairing
  4. I've checked the Sopranos (wiki-article) and it sounds intresting, maybe I am going to watch it. The problem is, I don't like watching TV and it messes with my visuals. My name is inspired by a real meadow with appletrees on it. A nice place to relax and escape the world
  5. Thanks you two for answering I am not enrolled in university anmore, I left it two days ago and told my mom the day after. She wasn't so happy about it, but it's my life and so on.. I can't care about that atm. My mom knows about me doing drugs, but she isn't happy at all about that and if I told her about HPPD she would be like "Ha, told you!" maybe she wouldn't say it, but I am sure, that this will be her thoughts. I know that I have nothing to lose and I keep saying that to me in many situations where it works. But I've been always shy and needed some time to warm up with new people and I think most people won't give me that time. The year in university I didn't make any friends. I've sat on my own and around me all those people with new friends and talking and having fun and I was just there with a silent "help me" in my eyes. My mom really presses me to find something new to do... and this isn't helpful at all, but you guys know that of course. I think I am going to write the two of you personal messages later this evening or in a few days. Thanks again. It feels so good to know that I am not alone on this planet with a confused mind.
  6. It's been a while since my last post here and I just started visiting this forum again a few weeks ago, when I felt something strange is going to happen. And it worsened. After a few days I realised it's my HPPD again... It "went away" (or better: not bothered me) for quiet a long time. I can't tell how long exactly, because I totally lost my track of time. But now it is here again in full bloom of doom. Everywhere where are patterns they start to move and change colours and unsettle me a lot. Visual snow is all over my sight again and so many other optical effects I can't describe now in full detail, because looking at the screen is pretty hard too. I can hardly read what I wrote, so sorry if there are any typing mistakes. But the worst part is Depersonilasation and Derealisation. I feel so out of place, out of my body and what ever you want to call it. All my senses have gone nuts and I really can't define what the term "me" does mean. Everyday-life is nearly impossible and I even don't know what I am doing here right now. Point is, I was studying chemistry at university, what I liked, kind of, and I was not so bad at it. But with my new state of mind I can't handle it anymore. I just looked for the papers you need to quit the whole thing there. It would be a waste of money and time if I'd continue. Last time I went there I was just sitting there staring at all the colourfull moving patterns. When I try to study at home, dp/dr kicked me off everything and I was just sitting there and... I don't really know how I spent all that time, it just flooded away. I don't know how to tell my parents about that (I am living with my mother) because she doesn't know anything about my "drug-aftermaths"and I really don't know how to go on with my life. When it stays like this (which ist the most probable case in my eyes) I can't participate in any job or stuff like that and I just don't know what to do. I just want some quiet place with no patterns where everything can get to normality again. Because I am always hiding in my room I don't have any friends in the real world whom I could tell about that... most won't understand anyways. So thanks for listening and if someone has some advice or whatever they are very appreciated :')
  7. Opiates work pretty good for me. Anxiety and other strange feelings are gone and visuals don't bother me anymore. But when I take them too regularly I notice different visuals appear. That's strange I guess, because I don'tt hink Opiates are meant to give you colourful visuals? What I am talking about are things like colourful shapes, which appear in my field of vision and move around a bit, or my visual snow starts to form patterns and gets thicker or thinner like waves... hard to describe, but these things are only there, when the actual effect of opiates is there. But after a while without opiates and when taking them again, it needs a while again to get to those optic effects. I don't have tinnitus, so it has no effect on that for me
  8. 1) few weeks after my 16th birthday 2) Hardly anything, things like nutmeg, kratom,peganum harmala (everything of them twice) and hawaiian baby woodrose 3 times 3) my fourth time with woodrose never ended... but months/years afterwards I took some mushrooms which gave another blast. 4) No.
  9. A few hours ago I ate about 5 gramms of dried fly agaric. No intereference with HPPD-Sypmptoms so far, but this isn't even with psilocybin with me (it gets worse after a couple of days and not imediately^^) Right now I feel absoluetly calm and relaxed and in peace with the world and all its inhabitants. and some time before today I felt as if flying when closing my eyes. I know I should avoid tripping because of HPPD, but I still love those feelings and everything. I stopped all drugs for more than a year and a half, but that had to effect on my HPPd so I think tripping is okay as well, even if it get really nasty from time to time, until now everyhing went better again. Update: Now, after about 2 days, I still feel calm when I look inside of me. There is no trouble like before, everything seems to work. But there is some strange effect too: I am easily getting into arguments with people. There is a wish to discuss and humiliate. Especially with my boyfriend. I really hope he doesn't really hate me now... A long time I can keep those argumenting-ambitions down, but it doesn't work always... If you read this, what I don't think actually, please forgive me!
  10. Sometimes my neck stiffens too, but I had this before getting HPPD and I don't see any connection between my symptoms and my neck actually, it feels stiff, when I laid wrong or soemthing like that, but I guess i am more sensitive to such kind of things... those feelings of my body are just more intense than before.
  11. Nice idea, I will try that soon, but with another text, because I am pretty familiar with latin words ;-) Edit: Just tried it with different texts in various languages. There were black strains appearing at my desktop but I could still read the words, but everything else seemed to move and to swirl around and it blurred a lot, but not the text itself. I don't know if doing this will have any effects, but I am just going to go on with it, I guess. It can't do much worse, I hope ;-) If I notice anything going better, I will let you all know
  12. A time ago I had some tramadol too. And when I took some (a bit too much for just painkilling) I felt as if my HPPD was gone, at least it dodn't bother me anymore. But I became kind of addicted pretty soon. And when all trama was away, it was really really hard. It is about half an year ago, but I still get the feeling sometimes of really wanting it again. (I got it from a friend...) I don't think it made my HPPD worse, there were just withdrawal symptoms added.
  13. Do you have visual symptoms and what are they? --> yes, I have visual symptoms. This huge concentration lack just added up to my "normal hppd". I'm sure I will forget some symptoms, because they change a lot. I have Visual Snow, halos around objects, sometimes starburst and I'm very sensitive for smells, lights, sounds, etc, or when I want to read a text letters look as if they move or they even form patterns/figures, negative afterimages as well, or objects seem to move or there are appearing frames/colours/whatever, mostly when looking at the PC, but also when being in "real life". So just a whole bunch of what HPPD has to offer. A few days ago I noticed something new. After telling somebody that I feel better about my HPPD, I really saw some strains of fog. They started at the lower part of my field of vision and slowly climbed up. I looked somewhere else, but they came with me. So it was kind of part of my eye... don't know how to describe that. Generally I just feel like being in some state of dreaming. my body feels strange as if not belonging to my thoughts and I don't know what this "I" is, i mention always... I felt like this before, I mean with HPPD already, but this no-concentration-state is nothing new to me. But it went away quicklier and just came occasionally. Now it is kind of always with me and I don't know how to get rid of it. Maybe that's because I want it so much to leave. because I really need my concentration to get a good graduation.But it isn't helping when I put myself (the part I can control) into the state of thinking that it doesn't matter what I do and that I can learn later. The dreaming just stays, no matter what I do. It is just like that I am sitting on my bed, books and papers in front of me, but I just sit there, not able to get my mind on these things. It feels as if there is some barrier in my head that keeps me away from real life. Sometimes I can't even follow my thoughts, so they are just gone, which I had often at the very beginning of my HPPD. And I read a bit about piracetam and aniracetam and stuff like that, but I don't know if I really want to take medicaments. Actually I don't even want to go to a doctor, because I have really bad experience with a lot of them... but that's another story Medis are kind of the very last option for me. I don't really know how this lack of concentration started... a few weeks ago I began learning and at the beginning all went well, but slowly it was harder and harder. And now I am hardly able to do anything. Even writing this means a huge effort to me... I take long breaks between every sentence(nearly) and it is really hard to get started again. my mind just wants to have in it, what HPPD gives me and not what I have or want to do..
  14. Hello. I'm sorry if tehre is already a thread about this, but I looked for one and didn't find one. Actually, I did not put much afford into the search, which is caused by my problem... I can't concentrate on things for a long period of time and I have no motivation to do things. I am still at school but finishing it this year, in April. So for those big last exams I need to know so many things and the exams themselves will be about 5 hours each, so therefore I need to concentrate a lot too. But for a few days I just get my ordinary homework done, but afterwards I just can't get myself to study. Of course doing homework helps too, but it's not enough, I'm afraid. So I am just sitting around, listening to music or play some computergames in which I get lost, because of dp/dr. Everything does just not work as it should be.... Anyone knows what I can do in order to get something done? It is not all about learning for school, I also don't get myself to do other senseful things. I'm not taking any medicine or stuff like that, just some Kratom from time to time, which helps me dealing with other symptoms. At 4th February there is my first important exam, 220minutes of Physics, about everything I've learned in last two years. I Don't feel like I am going to remember everything which is important. But don't get me wrong, most of the time I am not in panic about this. Just sometimes. But most of the time I'm not even having enough motivation for being afraid of getting bad grades...
  15. The Stooges- We Will Fall Just flew away with this song. That's what I like abou HPPD sometimes... to just feel high without taking anything. But only when it's the right moment...